Humor

[Whitlock]

Dreams are fun. Did you have some hard cider last night? Glad it wasen't me that fell off the roof.

[glenn kangiser]

Cool story about the dog and cat Don.  Seems like our place....

Note to self:  If at Whitlock's and Sonoran shows up with a pair of scissors and a sleepy look in his eyes, and Sassy says, "Come here dear", do not turn my back on Sonoran.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I had the strangest dream last night.  (This isn't some story I found on the internet, this is real...fresh in my mind from last night.)

I don't build log homes anymore...but I had a dream that I was back on the job site.  My father-in-law was the contractor and he was gone.  I came into the dream at the point where I knew what my job was even though he hadn't officially told me.  I had my two younger brothers and my step-brother with me. 

I was in a panic because I had two jobs to do and both of them required some experience and my brothers didn't have any.  I was panicked because I wanted to get working but I didn't know how to arrange things and have everyone working.  I could lead one of the jobs but I only needed one other guy to help. That left two guys without any work and I was stressed to death running around the job site trying to find some work that I could have them do.

While I was running around the job site a deer showed up on the site.  It wasn't afraid and it got very close to us.  Here's where it gets shady...for whatever reason that I don't know or can't remember, I had to cut the deers butt hairs.  A pair of scissors appeared in my hand and I started chasing the deer around.  I got one snip and cut off one side of the butt hairs that were sticking out and had to get the other one.  My father-in-law showed back up to the job site.

I was chasing the deer with scissors, two of my brothers were sitting in a ditch talking and I didn't see the third one.  My father-in-law climbed up on the roof to get to work without saying anything. I chased the deer up the side of the house and it jumped onto the rough (through some magical and impossible way).  It was up on the peak and my father-in-law went to chase it off.  It ran down the peak and jumped off from the highest point into some small pine and cedar trees.  But then the deer dissappeared and it was my father-in-law crashing into the trees and falling into branches on the way down.

Well anyways, that's it...I cut some butt hairs off a deer and my father-in-law jumped off a roof. 

Merry Christmas everyone.

LOL, that's funnier than some of the jokes and stuff... and it tops the one my husband had last week about being in a panic because he was supposed to be at a job interview (in the dream, of course) and couldn't figure out how to dial his cell phone even though he was looking right at it in the dream... he was standing in front of the building where the interview was to take place, but he was lost, and he couldn't dial the right number even though he was looking at it.

[glenn kangiser]

Was this already posted here?

"Why are you late?" the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'
Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting worst fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat, and last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
' Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!'
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
'Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!

[glenn kangiser]

Actually recommended for me by Youtube...

Jensen Tips

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGfkmwqR74Y&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

Warning - Fart humor

If you like you can pretend you are above watching it...

[MountainDon]

Do you know why the British don't build computers?



They haven't figured out how to make them leak oil...



You need to own an old British motorcycle to fully understand that joke. 

[Squirl]

 

Or car.  I have had many of both!

[MountainDon]

I was helping a friend move an old Norton Atlas when I remembered hearing that gem some time ago.


I made the last British bike I had leak free with the liberal use of RTV silicone sealant.   

[diyfrank]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[diyfrank]

HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him

if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.   



HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

[John_C]

A study at the University of Missouri shows the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she's at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she's attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she's menstruating or menopausal, she's more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ar$e while he's on fire.

[Redoverfarm]

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check undernea th. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer

[Sassy]

Some funny postings, ya'll 

[Redoverfarm]

Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[Sonoran]

I'm starting back up with college classes. Today was the first day for my Political Science course. Here's a quote from the syllabus:

"Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing."   

Now I clearly understand what plagiarism is!!

[Redoverfarm]

 Sonoran you impling that I copied someone else joke. Your right I did.

[Sonoran]

No Red, I wasn't implying that.  I just find it humorous because it doesn't explain what plagiarism is.

It's like saying:

Yelling is the act of yelling.  If you don't know what yelling means...you won't know what the act of yelling means...

[Redoverfarm]

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE???

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.  WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.  BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!  HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.  THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" " I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!

[glenn kangiser]

Hey John.... this is what Sonoran was talking about --- YOU ARE YELLING......

Wonder if they used a handful of leaves..... hmm 

[John Raabe]

[MountainDon]

Lessons In Life

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

[MountainDon]

Lessons In Life 2

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[MountainDon]

Lessons In Life 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[MountainDon]

Lessons In Life 4

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[Dog]

MountainDon...Good ones! The full of wisdom...
The man comments...I was just thinking today about how men  are from Mars and women from Venus ...That hilarious. We're from a different galaxy all together! Somehow it works..and it's WORK!