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Off Topic => Off Topic - Ideas, politics, humor, inspiration => Topic started by: glenn-k on February 12, 2007, 03:59:23 AM

Title: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on February 12, 2007, 03:59:23 AM
Sorry for this -

http://www.bradrand.com/Pages/redneck_page.htm

Brief nudity depending on how long you look ---

Building related pix also.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 12, 2007, 09:06:55 PM
I finally stopped laughing long enough to be able to make this post.   ;D ;D  I think the Redneck Highrise is where they got the idea for the Clinton Library.  
http://www.clinton-library.com/
And how about that doorbell button!!   :o
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on February 12, 2007, 09:34:21 PM
I'm glad you posted that, Don.  It cracked me up too, but I was thinking maybe it was a little to wild for us here since no one had posted anything on it, so I was about to get rid of it.

At least two of us (and my wife) are crude enough to think it was cool. ;D


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F%3Cbr+%2F%3Ehttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.bradrand.com%2Fimages%2FRedneck%2FATT00043.jpg&hash=ef48be2121eeebcb882d4e7527e03f68)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Amanda_931 on February 13, 2007, 06:39:31 AM
The "Clinton Library" one we've seen before.  IIRC Daddymem challenged us to say how it was done.

But I loved the skunks.

And sent the whole silly thing widely--if mostly to people with a fast internet connection.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 13, 2007, 11:45:11 AM
I was wondering about how they did the highrise.  :-? Did anyone come up with a feasible answer?

And the skunks are precious.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on February 13, 2007, 07:11:34 PM
We had it posted by itself one time - and came up with some theories but not a postive answer.  

Glad you enjoyed that, Amanda.  I was using Stumbleupon http://www.stumbleupon.com/ stumbling through humor, and couldn't keep that one to myelf. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 21, 2007, 05:52:26 AM
Sassy forwarded this to me from work.

I LOVE MY JOB .  .  .  .  .

 

 

               If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in

a coma!  This is even funnier when you realize it's real!  Next time you

have a bad day at work think of this guy.

 

 

      Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

 

       Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.  She then sent it to

radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring

a worst job experience contest.  Needless to say, she won.

 

 

            Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down

lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you

realize it's not so bad after all.

 

              Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must

bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office

lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a

wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to

keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to

the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.  Now

this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times

with no complaints.

 

 

              What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is

take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods my

whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

 

 

             Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt

started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made

things worse.  Within a few seconds my butt started to burn.  I

pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In

agony I realized what had happened.  The hot water machine had sucked up

a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now, since I don't have any

hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the

crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

 

 

              When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was

actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.  I informed the

dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were

unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all

laughing hysterically.

 

              Needless to say I aborted the dive.  I was instructed to

make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five

minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry

decompression.  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing

nothing but my brass helmet.

 

              As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of

laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told

me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.  The cream

put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was

swollen shut.

 

              So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about

how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your

butt.

 

              Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I

Love my job."

 

              Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a

jellyfish bad day?

 

  

              May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: benevolance on May 21, 2007, 12:31:07 PM
yuck dude
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 21, 2007, 02:46:25 PM
I guess that was a little bit raw, wasn't it, butt true.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 23, 2007, 10:16:41 AM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the
    blockage will be almost instantly removed.


    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.


    3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just
    by using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an
    egg timer.


    5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
    be afraid to cough.


    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
    all about the toothache.


    8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
    In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
    If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
    If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.


    9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


    10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

    
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Amanda_931 on May 27, 2007, 05:18:39 PM
Some of those are truly horrible, Sassy.

I had to send them to half my mailbox.

 ::)

(But I could have used that one tip the day I shopped my finger instead of the onions.)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 27, 2007, 08:47:30 PM
Yeh, I had to send it around to a few people, too.  Good word pictures   ::) ;D .  Glad to see you are back on CP!  I was just mentioning to Glenn last night that you hadn't been on for awhile - we miss you when you're gone!  
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Amanda_931 on May 28, 2007, 07:28:55 PM
Friend e-mailed back that that list "spoke to the inner dork in all of us."

(just now I'm making an effort to do as little as possible)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on June 02, 2007, 07:40:17 PM
Pretty good video - My Generation

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=mht7l5aib1
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 20, 2007, 03:09:38 AM
Got a decent joke today

I rear ended a car a few days ago. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!   He was pissed!   He looked up at me and said "I am NOT HAPPY!"
I said, "Then, which one ARE you?"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on July 13, 2007, 07:20:11 PM
UNIQUE EXERCISE FOR BUILDING MUSCLES IN "OLDER" PEOPLE

Just came across this exercise suggested for older people, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 25-lb potato sacks, 50 -lb sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 13, 2007, 09:17:31 PM
Um - Don -- you had me goin there for a minute.

How about lifting a calf every day as he is growing.  I've heard you will still be able to lift him when he is a full grown bull. :o

What do you think? :-?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: benevolance on July 14, 2007, 01:50:21 PM
sounds like an awful lot of bull to me Glenn ;)

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Daddymem on July 15, 2007, 02:32:34 AM
One day a family drops off Grandma in a nursing home, where they are assured that she will be well cared for. Shortly after they leave, Grandma slowly starts to lean sideways in her chair. The nurse immediately rushes over and straightens her up. A little while later Grandma starts to tilt to the other side—and once again the nurse runs over and props her back up. This continues until the family comes back that night for a visit. “So how are they treating you, Grandma?”

“Not bad,” the old woman replies. “Except they won’t let me fart.”
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 15, 2007, 05:19:21 AM
That was pretty funny, Daddymem.  Like being made to sit on fresh egg all day without breaking it.  Poor Granny. :( ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on July 15, 2007, 05:20:52 AM
 ;D ;D ;D

....sometimes I do that...  :-/  lean over for that reason  :).
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on August 08, 2007, 05:49:31 PM
25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 08, 2007, 05:58:15 PM
Hm-- I took the metal detector to the beach the other day myself. :-/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on August 08, 2007, 06:13:16 PM
# 11, 17, 18, 19, 25
 :'(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: benevolance on August 13, 2007, 08:14:54 AM
no hair on my ears yet....

the back goes out a fair bit though.... >:(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 01, 2007, 10:16:49 AM
WARNING. The following may not meet the standards for political correctness in the community you live in. But it is mostly funny. YMMV





Ten Nine Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. You can buy a silencer for a gun. This is not factual. It is ILLEGAL anywhere in the USA to possess a silencer for a firearm. It kinds spoils the joke for me...  :-/  Silencer for a paintball gun is legal though.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 11:24:40 AM
I thought it may be better that I didn't respond. :-/

... OK - just one question -- can you put a pillow over a gun to silence it? :-?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 01, 2007, 12:20:22 PM
I'm not a lawyer.....  :-/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 07:08:39 PM
Guess I watched too much TV as a kid -- they were always using silencers or pillows on TV. :-/

I haven't been able to remember many good jokes lately. :(

Dubya walks into the doctor with a frog stuck on his forehead.

....Everybody know this one already?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 01, 2007, 07:14:56 PM
I can't imagine a pillow having much effect on the roar my 45 makes anyhow. I suppose the simple act of firing through a pillow is not illegal, but why you might feel the need is another matter. As for a silencer, if you are criminally minded you wouldn't care if it was legal or not.


Maybe I'm the only one, but why does GWB have a frog on his forehead?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 07:22:36 PM
That's the way I see it -- a criminal wouldn't care -- he's probably not even legal to have the gun.

...anyway  --- I don't know how it got there -- i just know it was a serious enough problem that the joke sent him to the doctor :-/

Dubya walks into the doctors office with a frog stuck to his forehead.

The doctor takes a look at the strange duo and says, "Well, what seems to be the problem here?"

Frog looks at the doc and says, "Doc, could you cut this wart off of my a$$?"  :-?:-/ :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on November 01, 2007, 07:22:36 PM
According to the TV shows you can use a potato.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 07:25:16 PM
I knew I could count on you Stink.  :-?

Now if a critter gets into my chicken coop at night, I can get rid of it with no noise and be able to sit down and have a nice bowl of mashed potatoes at the same time. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 01, 2007, 07:31:08 PM
Silencers don't work worth crap on a revolver. Too much leakage at the front end of the cylinder. In a semi-automatic pistol, an explosive blast of hot gas from the muzzle creates the noise of the shot being fired. A silencer captures and dampens this gas. On a revolver, instead of capturing the muzzle blast, a silencer will force most of the gas back down the barrel to the cylinder. There will be a very slight reduction in noise, but not enough to make a difference. And, if the shot is fired in the dark, it will be even more noticeable, because the gases expelled at the cylinder will cause a bigger flash of light.

Never know when that knowledge might come in handy.

Actually thinking a bit more on this, it might be legal IF you go thru all the hoops, allow the ATF to background check you, pay a license fee, etc.  Why bother?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 07:47:06 PM
Yeah -- that is for movie stuff.

Around here shots are heard every few days year round.  People just plain like to shoot stuff. :)

Pretty big time redneck country here and unless you are shooting at somebody complaints are seldom made.

The day the county suggested looking into some new local city out of towner's complaint asking to make it illegal to shoot around here, the entire county supervisors council chamber was filled wall to wall with local rednecks looking like a lynch mob.  Needless to say we can still shoot here as we please.

Nice to have a few people around with some brains.  Now if someone will kindly show the whiney mis-placed city people back to their city.  >:(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on November 01, 2007, 09:05:57 PM
I was thinking, maybe a gun is not the best method for ya. You  could use a Candle Stick, a Knife or maybe some Arsenic . Make sure the delivery is not in the Library, that would be so obvious. :P
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 09:41:16 PM
I haven't played the game Stink so I don't have a clue what the proper weapon or delivery method should be.  I was kind of thinking about maybe gas in the living room. :-/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on November 01, 2007, 09:46:24 PM
Hmmmm gas in the living room, plan on blaming the dog?




lol
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 01, 2007, 09:50:05 PM
I've made bean soup twice in the last week....   :o :o :o   Glenn has a delicate constitution  ::)  -  just read that der Furer Hitler also had some problems like that.  Thus his nickname "Glennas....."  he'll have to tell you the rest, but instead of blaming it on the dog, he blames it on me because I cooked the soup  :-/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 01, 2007, 09:51:15 PM
Who stepped on the duck? :-?

Honey, will you please quit that? :-?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 01, 2007, 09:53:04 PM
I fact, I think I inadvertently am helping him do away with me  :-/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: benevolance on November 01, 2007, 10:40:57 PM
well here in sc they are gun crazy... annoying as hell to listen to locals shoot all day long... and trust me folks we can sit out and listen it will not be 10 minutes before we hear a gun shot... and usually we hear them over and over... i dunno what the heck they  are doing... but they are not hunting... if you miss with shot one there is no way the dear or rabbit are around for shot 2 or 3 or 10 but they shoot one bullet after another bang bang bang all the damned time

if it is for target practice.... they either are world class marksmen or dumbasses who still cannot shoot what they aim at.

when we were kids we would go into the junk yard with the lever action 22 and try to shoot in the O's and 0's on license plates from a distance and then we would try to shoot through the same bullet hole twice in a row... guess we learned to shoot fairly quickly

bullets were expensive for us as kids we did not shoot to waste them much.... if I had the shot gun and I was going to shoot some birds for the barn cats I would wait until 2 or 3 were on the same branch and get em all with one bird shot in the 12 guage...My dad used to make me hunt squirrels as a kid because they were so destructive and chewed their way into the shop in the fall looking for a dry warm place to spend the winter.... squirrels are much faster than most people would think.. unless you get em on the ground eating they are hard to shoot and kill because they never stand still ever...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 02, 2007, 08:43:05 AM
A funny list of dumb laws in the United States
http://www.bored.com/crazylaws/index.htm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 02, 2007, 03:39:36 PM
Quote
People just plain like to shoot stuff. :)   Pretty big time redneck country here and unless you are shooting at somebody complaints are seldom made.
Our mountain property is far enough away from the crowds there's not much shooting we hear. The neighbor to the west, 1/4 mile or so, does like to practice though. I'm not certain what he shoots but it sounds big.

Myself I like to plink for fun, keeping the hand and eye trained, well mostly just for fun.  :)   I have a few 22's. One revolver, a pistol, and 2 rifles, one my ancient single shot Savage from a waaaay back. A brick (500) of ammo lasts a long time and is cheap, about the same as 50 Colt .45's.  

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 02, 2007, 04:07:15 PM
I'm a good enough shot that i don't practice a lot-- just enough to make sure the gun is still shooting straight. :)

I have an old 22 semi-automatic rifle - a Ruger 22 revolver with an extra cylinder for 22 magnums, a Baretta 380 semi-auto pistol recommended by a cop and a 30.06 semi-auto rifle.  

I need to get another shotgun -- but I have most of it pretty well covered.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 02, 2007, 05:23:55 PM
Do you use ear muffs? I never used to years ago. Well, who did back then? However, I am missing some frequencies now. When the hearing test was completed the lady asked me if I had been in the armed forces. I replied, "No. Why?" She told me about the range my hearing as deficient in and added that people who had been in the Army or Marines and had seen active combat frequently had the same hearing pattern... Too much time spent shooting stuff when I was younger.

I now have some Peltor electronic ear muffs which are super, and expensive. Model 7s

http://www.envirosafetyproducts.com/product/Peltor-Tactical-7S-Classic-Neckband-Model.html

Before I got those I had another pair of Peltor model 105 like these...

http://www.envirosafetyproducts.com/product/peltor-earmuffs-neckband-h10b.html

Actually I still have 2 pair of them, one pair stays with the chainsaw, the others in the shop. They are behind the neck types; they allow you to comfortably wear assorted headgear, from baseball caps to hard hats. Not too many others around like them.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 02, 2007, 05:31:54 PM
Huh?  What did you say?

I should have years ago - between the loud shooting, stereo amplifier in the old ride, too much rock and roll too loud, and running equipment I have a lot of ringing.

I always carry earplugs now and wear them when operating equipment.  Usually not time and no pockets  :-/ when I have to go shoot something in the middle of the night. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 02, 2007, 08:05:02 PM
Hmmmm. Yep, wearing the Koss Pro 4A headset in the darkroom for hours on end didn't help matters here either.  :'(  Then the woodworking machines like table saws with singing blades, tho 20 years ago I was wearing ear protection but not as good as the present stuff. And I didn't wear them all the time.

I have continuous background "muzak" as well.  :(

Sad thing is that it takes years for the damage to show up and many kids today won't believe you if you tell them of the dangers. Ditto some of those who toast themselves in the sun, courting skin cancer.

Hopefully our younger members are wiser than I was. Or if  not, will heed some advice if they read this. Investing in some top quality hearing protection now beats having to deal with diminished hearing later.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 02, 2007, 08:15:04 PM
Once the ringing gets so loud, you are doomed to listen to the voices speaking inside your head, --- and look what that has done to me. :-/

They do give me some good advice sometimes though. 8-)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jraabe on November 02, 2007, 08:54:04 PM
Do you mean good advice like yelling... "Will somebody please answer that damn phone!"?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 02, 2007, 09:01:55 PM
That would be useful, but many times they are busy advising and giving me replies to
Stinkerbell. ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown_Tomatoes on November 04, 2007, 08:48:48 AM
I read that jellyfish story out loud to DH before we went to bed last night and we both laughed ourselves silly over it.  After we went to bed every few minutes, he'd crack up again and get me giggling about it again. As tired as we were, we must have laughed for half an hour.  This morning, I sent it to my uncle who used to work on offshore rigs  way back when because I knew he'd get a kick out of it.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 04, 2007, 09:06:43 AM
I had to go back and re-read it -- that one will make you cry. ;D

http://www.countryplans.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1171285163/#6
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 09, 2007, 01:47:47 PM
Humorous flight attendant preflight instructions

http://www.glumbert.com/media/preflight
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on November 09, 2007, 02:17:38 PM
I was on a Southwest flight like that with an attendant with a great sense of humor... makes it a lot more interesting. ;)  At least for those who are paying attention.  
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 10, 2007, 05:02:04 PM
Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 11, 2007, 06:32:30 PM
MtnDon, my SIL just sent me the preface to that advice... it's a neat story  :)

A Dog's Purpose, (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life-- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 16, 2007, 11:40:01 AM
Gotta love those redneck ladies --

Presenting the Redneck Tank Top.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Frednecktanktop.jpg&hash=f8c9926aad976ca3bbecfd9be2514465)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 16, 2007, 06:08:04 PM
 The Game

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up And asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn-k on November 17, 2007, 07:59:45 AM
From a Tom Green Guest:

Quote
1. I work in construction and got hurt on the job the other day.

Luckily it was just my feelings.

2.  Women are really getting forward nowadays.  I was sitting in a singles bar and one walked right up to me , from clear across the room and told me she didn't want to dance with me."

Sorry for that one -- I couldn't do better this morning.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 29, 2007, 08:43:30 PM
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico !'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 13, 2008, 10:28:12 PM
Here's one my BIL sent.

 Dad at the mall


 I took my dad to the
Mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a  bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.
 
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at  him. The
teenager would look and find  him staring every time.
 
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your  life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
 
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my son.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 21, 2008, 08:40:43 PM
This is from Glenn's daughter... 

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
 
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
 
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. And the wife continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.
 
Thunderstruck by the wife's account, the pastor slowly rose and hesitantly asked if any one else had anything to say.
 
A man rose and timidly walked to the podium. He announced, "Hi, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM ."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 24, 2008, 07:33:46 PM
On Political Correctness...
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore:


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


I hope no one is offended....
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 24, 2008, 08:09:56 PM
I know this doesn't meet PC standards, but it is funny...

A Polish immigrant went to the MVD to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:


'*C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.*'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Sure", the Polish man replied, "He's actually a good friend of mine!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 24, 2008, 09:11:12 PM
Well within our self imposed PG-13 or so limits, Don.

I hope everyone here knows by now that no one here intends to offend -- we're just kidding around but not so stuffy that we must always be P/C. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 25, 2008, 04:19:09 AM
CANNIBAL RESTAURANT
>
>         A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
>
>            + Tourist: $5
>            + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
>            + Fried Explorer: $15.00
>            + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
>
>         The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
>
>         The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of s***, it takes all morning

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: wingam00 on January 25, 2008, 04:42:33 AM
If you are a parent you will understand the following;

  WORRY

   Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for
 their own Actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become
 detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, "It's Their
 life," and feel nothing?

    When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for
 doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head.  I asked, "When do
 You stop worrying?"  The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident
 stage."  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

    When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair In a classroom and
 heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And
 was headed for a career making License plates.  As if to read my mind, a
 teacher Said, "Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you
 can sit back, relax and Enjoy them."  My dad just smiled Faintly and said
 nothing.

    When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to
 ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open.  A friend said,
 "They're trying to find themselves.  Don't worry, In a few years, you can
 stop worrying.  They'll be Adults."  My dad just smiled faintly And said
 nothing.

   By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable.  I was
 still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle  There Was
 nothing I could do about it.  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
 I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their
 frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments.

    My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and
 lead my own Life.  I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad's
 warm smile and his Occasional, "You look pale.  Are you all right?  Call
 me the minute you get home.  Are You depressed about something?"

    Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry?  Is
 concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
 Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it
 a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?

    One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me,
 "Where were you?  I've been
    Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried." I smiled a warm
 smile.      The torch has been passed.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 25, 2008, 09:25:32 AM
I like both stories and both so true...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 25, 2008, 09:33:40 AM
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

My granddaughter got away from me Sunday at the mall. She
approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little girl hesitated for a moment and then replied,


'Jack Daniels and women with big boobs.'
 

 



 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 25, 2008, 09:37:04 AM
That could have been 2/3 of the guys in the mall.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: benevolance on January 25, 2008, 09:49:39 AM
i better refrain from commenting on that one... hehe... too easy to get myself in trouble ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on January 25, 2008, 09:51:08 AM
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 25, 2008, 10:00:35 AM
 rofl

Here's a video "How the markets really work"  it's pretty funny although there is some politically incorrect examples...
http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/187.html 

This video was #1 last year....
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 25, 2008, 10:27:17 AM
i better refrain from commenting on that one... hehe... too easy to get myself in trouble ;D

I censored part of mine before I posted t.  I was going to say something that was maybe a bit politically incorrect.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 25, 2008, 10:29:27 AM
I'm not far behind that, John. 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 25, 2008, 12:05:11 PM
This is a little longer than I would like but pretty good.

YANKEE AND SOUTHERNERS

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a
single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the Station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding. The
Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 25, 2008, 09:12:38 PM
That's cruel, John. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on January 26, 2008, 06:40:31 AM
I hope this link works... my cousin sent me this yesterday.  Enjoy.  It is a recording of a guy in TX witnessing an accident.

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 26, 2008, 07:53:33 AM
Thanks, Homegrown.  That was funny. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 26, 2008, 10:34:13 AM
 

 

 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 01, 2008, 05:04:39 PM
... another from redoverfarm...  [I had to split the image up in order to get it thru photobuckets size limits... reduced quality a bit for speed/file size]

Country Technology


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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 05, 2008, 03:32:02 AM
Two Newfie buddies are walking home from the local pub when one of them
drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the
cell phone and dials 9-1-1.
 
The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are you?'
 
The Newfie buddy replies:' I don't know what happened, we were walking
home on Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell
down!'
 
The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'
 
The phone seemed to go dead.
 
The operator now really concerned kept shouting because she could hear
him panting!
 
Finally he came back on the line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak
street, that's O-A-K.'




Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 05, 2008, 09:03:50 AM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on February 06, 2008, 07:12:08 AM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 06, 2008, 08:07:10 AM
Drew, you're gonna get me started on my elephant jokes and nobody wants that.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on February 06, 2008, 08:46:45 AM
Step away from the pachyderms, Glenn!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on February 06, 2008, 09:08:38 AM
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 06, 2008, 06:46:37 PM
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were
in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son: 'Boy.........go gitcha Momma..............'

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 06, 2008, 06:52:42 PM
I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 06, 2008, 07:39:48 PM
 rofl rofl rofl Those are good ones Red!  I liked the Country Technology too!

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.  

Hey, I see patients like that everyday who've just driven themselves to the ER!   d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 07, 2008, 05:50:09 PM
INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-
happy marriage, a young husband decided to
solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself
as the beneficiary, & then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least somethingup front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he
surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor......

...the manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras &
observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the
police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrange-
ments with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared ...




'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 07, 2008, 07:36:05 PM
Follow da' link to "Bored, Tubby & Mild"  [with apologies to John Kay and Steppenwolf (http://www.steppenwolf.com/)]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn0sr2HsUso


the original, some of it anyways.... http://av.steppenwolf.com/mp3s/all_time_greatest_hits_lo/brntbwldl.mp3
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 07, 2008, 07:43:29 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McCpBsH9cOQ

In case you haven't seen this... hopefully this isn't where I first saw it.  It's hilarious.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 07, 2008, 09:30:29 PM
That's absolutely great, HGT!!  :) I've never seen it before. Thanks!

Even greater is the story of The Young@ Heart Chorus. They have a WEBSITE (http://www.youngatheartchorus.com/index.php). Here's a wee bit from they "about" page...

When the Young@ Heart began in 1982 the members all lived in an elderly housing project in Northampton, MA called the Walter Salvo House. The first group included elders who lived through both World Wars. One of our members had fought in the Battle of the Somme as a 16 year old and another, Anna Main, lost her husband in the First World War. Anna was a stand-up comic who at 88 told jokes that only she could get away with. She sang with us until she was 100. We celebrated her 100th birthday with a parade downtown. We actually had to reschedule the parade for a year later when her family informed us that we had the date wrong and she was only 99. This initial group also included Diamond Lillian Aubrey who came on our first two European tours and wowed the audiences with her deadpan version of Manfred Mann’s “Doo Wah Diddy”. In later years she appeared “on stage” via video, performing the Stone’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”.

Also if you do a YouTube search for Young@Heart there are several more videos. The group also has a CD available.

Young@Heart is partially funded by the NEA [National Endowment for the Arts]. This is the first NEA funded project I've run across that I approve of. That's your money, our taxes, at work, or is it play?. Much better spent on this instead of some of the other $hit (literally, click for link (http://www.mtholyoke.edu/offices/comm/csj/991008/madonna.html)) the NEA has funded.

Here's Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t68529LC6pw&feature=related).

I'd like to see them do some Warren Zevon, maybe Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner or Excitable Boy  [crz]

CountryPlans members who don't cruise surf all the topics are sure missing out!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 07, 2008, 09:59:34 PM
I've noticed that off topics is really getting popular lately...and the building problems are all getting handled too.  Great job, people. :)

Thanks for that news item on Artie, John.  Good one.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 08, 2008, 03:14:06 AM
Don, I think we'd all live longer if we did stuff like that... I really admire the spunk of the folks in Young at Heart.  When my husband was a graduate student, there was a professor in his  department that I used to see jogging around campus in neon spandex or singing with the local barbershop singers, etc., and I was floored to learn that the guy was nearly 80 years old! (He had an amazing tenor voice, too, by the way.)  He'd teach class in dress clothes and leather hiking sandals with white tube socks.  One of DH's advisors is the same age as my grandma, but he still drives to the university two times a week (a little over an hour one way) and to my mom's company once a week as a consultant, and he ranches full time southwest of Oklahoma City.  Not only that, but the man reads voraciously and is more on top of all the current research in that field than all the younger guys... and he does all his calculations long hand with a pencil.  I've never seen him use a calculator.  I want to be like that when I'm 80.  My great-grandpa lived independently until he was 93, and then he decided to move into the nursing home because "those old folks there needed him";  it used to crack me up to see him pushing people in wheelchairs down to the cafeteria for dinner, when they were considerably younger than him.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 08, 2008, 12:33:27 PM
Here's another funny song my uncle sent me today.  I hope the link works for y'all.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 08, 2008, 12:51:09 PM
 rofl  good one, HG!
here's one my SIL sent me today
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....




_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 13, 2008, 10:27:44 PM
I only did karaoke one time when my daughter talked me into it.  They sent me a link to my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NsdF_sk7fQ&feature=related

This is Sunday isn't it?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 14, 2008, 05:26:51 PM
 
Two boys were walking home fro m Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
 
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?'
 
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 15, 2008, 01:57:48 PM
Now this is a dog that loves snow or is nuts




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sUL0KCIc48&feature=related
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 15, 2008, 08:09:52 PM
Wow-- the canine snowplow.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 15, 2008, 08:17:16 PM
Way cool dog!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 15, 2008, 08:43:08 PM
...and all my dogs know how to do is eat horse manure and cow manure. 

Yesterday out in the country they thought they were at an all you can eat Smörgåsbord. They were chowing down like fiends when I finally saw them and made them stop.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 16, 2008, 02:29:15 AM
Glenn mine do the same thing.  Doesn't bother me for the outside dog but the house dog usually gets sick from it.  And of course they usually find some or something of unsavorable smell to roll in.  They will do it everytime.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 16, 2008, 07:32:16 AM
...you got it, John.  As long as they don't try to give me a kiss.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 20, 2008, 11:55:34 AM
''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young”I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to weddings and funerals.I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior, in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us! 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 23, 2008, 03:59:20 PM
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 26, 2008, 05:37:42 PM
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.


If you can't eat it or play with it,
piss on it and walk away.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on February 28, 2008, 01:29:00 PM
Life Explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that i s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 28, 2008, 01:39:32 PM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 01, 2008, 05:59:36 AM
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
 
Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
 
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
 
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
 
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
 
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
 
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
 
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
 
Sincerely,
 
A Satisfied Taxpayer


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 01, 2008, 07:19:59 AM

E-mail rec'd from BIL


Subject: Quick Emergency Room Visit

EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues
and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the
front of my shirt.
 
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
 
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
quicker emergency service.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2FGetAttachment.jpg&hash=20a8ae987df70b565f01fa7504ac93e1)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 02, 2008, 03:52:31 AM
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's Morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his p ickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love George!   
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 02, 2008, 05:46:26 AM
Good ol' George. rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 02, 2008, 06:28:15 AM
 ;D  That's great... we had a Mildred in the church I grew up in, too.  She and her husband used to go fishing and play dominoes with my grandparents.  My grandpa was like George... quiet, and I think I only saw him really mad once in my life.  Well, we were at the lake with "Mildred" and her husband Bill and "Mildred" (obviously not her real name to protect the not-so-innocent) popped off something about how she wasn't sure she wanted to get in Grandpa's boat because it stunk like stink bait.  Without looking at all disturbed, Grandpa looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and softly said, "Well, I'm not sure I want you in my boat... big as you are, you might sink it."  It shut her up fast... I'd never seen this woman at a loss for words before that.  Another time after "Mildred" had lost a bunch of weight after having gastric bypass.  They were at Grandma and Grandpa's playing dominoes and Mildred was flouncing around and acting like a thirteen-year-old school flirt and said to Grandpa, "Don't you wish your wife was as skinny as me?"  Without looking up from his game, Grandpa replied, "I'm just glad she doesn't look like a dried up wrinkly prune like you."  Again, she was totally at a loss for words... gotta love those people who don't say much but boy do they have some zingers when they're needed and appropriate.  Grandpa was the only person I ever saw get the best of our local Mildred.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 02, 2008, 08:56:22 AM
 rofl rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 05, 2008, 03:51:28 PM
In  Florida, an atheist became incensed over the
> preparation of Easter and
> Passover holidays He decided to contact his lawyer
> about the  discrimination
> inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
> afforded to Christians
> and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had
> no holiday to celebrate.
>
>
> The case was brought  before a judge. After
> listening to the long passionate
> presentation  by the lawyer, the Judge banged his
> gavel and declared, 'Case
> dismissed!'
>
> The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
> ruling and said, 'Your
> honor, how can you possibly dismiss this  case? The
> Christians have
> Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews
> have Passover, Yom
> Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my  client and all other
> atheists have no such
> holiday!'
>
> The  judge leaned forward in his chair and simply
> said, 'Obviously your
> client is too confused to even know about, much less
> celebrate his  own
> atheists' holiday!'
>
> The lawyer pompously said, 'Your  Honor, we are
> unaware of any such holiday
> for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your
> Honor?'
>
> The judge said, 'Well it  comes every year on
> exactly the same date---April
> 1st! Since our  calendar sets April 1st as 'April
> Fools Day,' consider that
> Psalm  14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart,
> there is no God.' Thus, in
> my opinion, if your client says there is no God,
> then by  scripture , he is
> a fool, and April 1st is his holiday!  Now have a
> good day and get out of my
> courtroom!!
>
> Way  to go, Judge!   
>
>               AMEN
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 05, 2008, 08:34:20 PM
Good one, Red!  You could give Glenn a run for his money in the stories & joke dept!   c*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 06, 2008, 02:30:42 AM
History happened on July 8, 1947

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, just over 60 Years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S Air Force and other federal Agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
       
         Albert A. Gore, Jr.
         Hillary Rodham
         John F. Kerry
         William J. Clinton
         Howard Dean
         Nancy Pelosi
         Dianne Feinstein
         Charles E. Schumer
         Barbara Boxer
       
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 06, 2008, 04:53:50 AM
 rofl rofl rofl  I needed a good laugh this morning.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 06, 2008, 03:56:54 PM
MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
>>
>>     'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
>>
>>     'Yes. What can I do for you?'
>>
>>     'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
>> marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
>> them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
>>
>>     'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
>>
>>     The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
>> search the shed where the firewood is kept .
>>     Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
>> marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>>
>>     Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>>
>>     'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
>>
>>     'Yeah!'
>>
>>     'Did they chop your firewood?'
>>
>>     'Yep!'
>>
>>     'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
>>
>>     (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)





Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on March 06, 2008, 04:11:27 PM
That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 07, 2008, 12:10:34 AM
That's great, but around here past policy had the Sheriffs in charge of the Mary Jane farms.  I'm afraid to ask if that's still the policy.  How do you get them to chop the wood?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 07, 2008, 11:48:31 AM
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag , soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you ain't laffin'...  You ain't livin'


 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 07, 2008, 01:22:59 PM
 rofl rofl rofl  where do you find all these? 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 08, 2008, 03:59:18 AM
Science Experiment . .



     
  A  dog is truly a man's best friend.
  If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


  Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
 
  When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
 



=
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 08, 2008, 06:19:55 AM
I can see it all now.  rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 08, 2008, 07:38:06 AM
 n* n*  [slap] heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 08, 2008, 10:01:54 AM
The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 
Happy Mental Health Day!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 09, 2008, 01:59:27 PM
The Compassionate Lawyer.

 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
 two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
 his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The lawyer got
 out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you
 eating grass?"

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We
 have to eat grass."

 "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
 lawyer said.

 The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children
 with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
 man he said to him, "You can come with us also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
 have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "No problem, bring them all as well!" the lawyer answered. They
 all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
 large as the limousine was.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
 said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
 with you."

 The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place
 - the grass is almost a foot high!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 09, 2008, 07:03:42 PM
Good one, John.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 11, 2008, 06:12:16 PM
This one is for all the members of the opposite sex that usually catch the blunt of the gender jokes. 

To Be 6 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
 
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.   
 
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
 
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling a nd her stomach felt  upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake.
 
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my  dress size, you dumb ass!'
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 11, 2008, 06:18:09 PM
got that right!    heh rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 11, 2008, 06:18:37 PM
I try to explain that to Sassy, but she just doesn't understand.  :(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 11, 2008, 06:23:44 PM
Sassy I owed you that one after the dog in the trunk .
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 11, 2008, 07:07:28 PM
How magnanimous of you Red!   :D

ok, don't know whether this is humorous or not...
FACTS TO PONDER:
 
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
* Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80000000.
(Yes that's 80 million)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups is 1500.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
* Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So statistically doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
Remember"Guns don't kill people doctors do."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand !
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at largeI have withheld the
statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic
and seek medical attention.
 
Respectfully submittedA Concerned Citizen
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 11, 2008, 07:28:17 PM
ok, don't know whether this is humorous or not...
FACTS TO PONDER:

It's humorous in it's own way.
But my skeptical side would like to be able to find some proof to back the numbers of medical accidents. A google brings up multitudes of hits  on this same thing, but little else. I did find the number of doctors to be right in the ball park.

The CDC does state that 7000 US residents die from prescription errors caused by poor handwriting.

The next time I go to the doctor I'm taking my gun for certain.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 12, 2008, 03:30:29 AM
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas
They hired him because he was so funny.....

 
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Goat)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available .

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.

 If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy

blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 12, 2008, 07:29:07 AM
Glad he got the job.  An overachiever for sure.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 12, 2008, 10:45:07 AM
Took my kids to visit the Harn Homestead in downtown OKC this morning.  I remember going there when I was my oldest daughter's age and thought it was a neat place even back then.  We packed a picnic lunch and went on our merry way.  Well, when we got there, the parking lot was full of vehicles from various schools and there was  a sign up welcoming a conference for the Oklahoma School Board Association.    We went on our tour and had our lunch.  We sat near the entry gate where a sign was posted to please keep on the trails... we watched a steady stream of educators come along and glance at the sign only to step over the low rock border and merrily trip across the grass to the event barn, and my daughter decided that they were either the most illiterate or irreverent bunch of educators in the world. 

The real kicker was when we were getting ready to leave and DD was looking in one of the barns.  Suspended from the top of the barn loft was a hoist with a fierce-looking set of claws for hooking hay bales and lifting them to the loft.  The girls were looking at it and talking about it when who should wander up but the state secretary of education, Sandy Garrett.  She asked them if they knew what those claws were for, and they both nodded, and then she said jokingly that she thought they were for picking up little girls.  The girls looked at each other and shook their heads and told her, "No, those are for picking up bales of hay."  Sandy Garrett laughed and walked on with her group, and I asked Cori if she knew who that woman was... when I told her that she was the State Secretary of Education, she rolled her eyes and said, "Boy! Am I glad I'm homeschooled!!!  She didn't even know what that hay hook was for!!!" 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 12, 2008, 01:40:05 PM
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

 

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

 

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 

 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 13, 2008, 03:23:54 AM
In Honor of St. Patrick's Day‏

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy..   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 13, 2008, 06:06:58 AM
You almost made me spill my coffee, John.  Good one.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 13, 2008, 06:28:06 AM
 rofl rofl you certainly keep us entertained, Red!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 13, 2008, 04:26:32 PM
THE OUTHOUSE

Once there was a little boy that lived in the
country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it
was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and
the boy determined  that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen
so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the
outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't in the cherry tree."




Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 13, 2008, 04:56:27 PM
Gotta love it John..... rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 13, 2008, 07:37:27 PM
Reminds me of the guy in the two holer who stood up to pull up his pants and a quarter fell out of his pocket, slipped through a crack in the floor and went into the hole.

The guy calmly got out his wallet, took out a twenty dollar bill and threw it into the hole.

This totally confused the guy sitting on the next hole, and he looked at the guy and asked, "What the heck did you do that for?" hmm

The first guy replies, "You didn't expect me to go down there for a quarter, did you?" d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 15, 2008, 03:30:58 AM
Subject:  Catholic Beer



While shopping in a food

Store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.  She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 16, 2008, 06:44:04 AM
Just a few before St. Patricks Day.


The Pub

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
 



Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 17, 2008, 02:51:39 PM
I got this from a good friend up in Canada. Hope this isn't in too bad taste?  ???

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2FCondi.jpg&hash=2669317f729523390986b7cb2c6aa3b3)

I needed a laugh on this historic day of the start of the Great American Meltdown. As I told my Canadian friend,

"Come-on down, great bargains on houses, mortgages and slightly used financial institutions. Up to 99% off. No reasonable offer refused!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 17, 2008, 05:50:07 PM
John, that was great.  rofl rofl

You know we allow PG17 here, but boy --  that is one ugly lady.  She may be a bit past our limits.  I don't care what color...and you included a few of the perpetrators of the meltdown too. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 17, 2008, 05:57:53 PM
Inspired by that, here is one my daughter sent Sassy and I today.

CALLING IN SICK     

             
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" ???


There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.



The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?"


If they only knew! ::)


Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 17, 2008, 06:45:04 PM
I'm waiting for the YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbNKzfQBkbk) video to come out on that one.  ::) :P
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 18, 2008, 12:41:29 PM
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all
mankind made." 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 18, 2008, 06:13:12 PM
John  rofl rofl

Red   rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 19, 2008, 02:56:50 AM

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

    And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. 

    Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar." 

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, " that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!";

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed . . .

    "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"






Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 20, 2008, 04:05:02 AM
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession.



Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.



One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, an! d a Pl ayboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when
he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up.


'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing
that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and,
Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum.'


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he tu rned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
Centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run
for Congress
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 20, 2008, 05:52:31 AM
...and he was going to be one of the good ones. rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 20, 2008, 07:13:45 AM
Barbara Bush had been feeling bad for a while so decided to go into the doctor and get checked out.

The doctor said, "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Bush?"

"Well, doctor, I seem to have extremely bad flatulence, but the good thing is it doesn't smell bad and it doesn't make any noise."

The doc said "OK, let me have a look."  hmm

"Take this medication for a week then come back in next Tuesday and we'll check your progress."

Following instructions for a week, she returned on Tuesday.

"I'm afraid, Doctor, that after taking all the medication, my condition is deteriorating..  My flatulence now smells horrible. Still no noise but, I almost make myself sick."

The doctor replied, "Great, it looks like we've cleared up the sinus problem.  Now lets see what we can do about your hearing."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 20, 2008, 12:10:44 PM



REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

 

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. 

 

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
 
I bet he felt like an idiot.






 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 20, 2008, 12:21:59 PM
 rofl rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 20, 2008, 12:32:45 PM
Estate Planning

When Joe found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his Stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 21, 2008, 02:41:22 AM
WOMAN GAVE BIRTH AT 65.   
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.  When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked.  "Not yet," She said, "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."  Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," She said.  After another few minutes had elapsed,I asked again, "May I see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied my friend.  Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me."WHEN HE CRIES?"  I demanded.  "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 21, 2008, 05:14:36 AM
Makes sense to me.  hmm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 22, 2008, 03:18:21 AM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 22, 2008, 11:57:53 AM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 22, 2008, 12:19:38 PM
Sent to me by my daughter,

A family from East Tennessee was visiting Knoxville and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's
at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my taar life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the pretty young woman, said
quietly to his son, 'Boy..................go git yor Momma...............
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 23, 2008, 06:23:12 AM
Not really sure whether this is humerous or not but it will become apparent that it is with everyone sitting around being able to "bust your own bubble" rather than having someone else do it for you. 

 BUBBLEWRAP
 http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 23, 2008, 09:11:22 AM
a little disappointing in that it didn't do anything special after you popped them all.

 :(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 23, 2008, 10:21:26 PM
Just like real ones then. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 24, 2008, 06:27:39 AM
Thanks Glenn for the elevator story... Good way to start the week!  ;D

(If only technology really worked that way!)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 24, 2008, 12:21:18 PM
Glenn I am offended. Just like in life the ones at the top get all the credit. You must have been asleep when this one flew past you. :D

http://countryplans.com/smf/index.php?topic=2529.msg47513#msg47513
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 24, 2008, 12:39:26 PM
Ah-ha! John I knew I had heard/read that one before! I couldn't remember where!  d*

Glenn's memory is worse than mine.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 24, 2008, 01:11:52 PM
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that  her mother had several strands of white  hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and  make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'    The  little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,  'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are  white?'





A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 24, 2008, 08:41:16 PM
You know, John -- It sounded familiar to me too --- I failed to re-read the older posts.  I thought it was funny both times though.  rofl.

I was thinking about that very problem and wondering if I had posted another joke before.  I think If we have a question we should just go ahead and git 'er done. 

I was thinking that we would probably all crack up if we went back through the old postings.  Good Collection -- thanks for the hard work, John C.

It's cool because Sassy always forgets the jokes too.  She can laugh at the same joke every couple of days. ::)

So without looking back:

Three old men were discussing the problems of growing old.

The first one says "Yup, yup, yup --- since I got my prostate problem it takes me an hour to tinkle in the morning."

Not to be outdone, the second one says, "Well you think that's bad, sometimes I just have to sit there on the can for a couple hours, just trying to pass the big one."

The third old fella was kind of quiet for a minute then finally added his 2 cents. "We'll, I have no problem taking a leak.  6AM just like clockwork...every day.  Number two --- no problem.  By about 6:30 the deed is done."

Well, the other two looked at him -- "Thats not so bad -- whats the problem?"

He kind of looked down at the floor and said, "The problem is, I don't wake up until 8."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: sparks on March 24, 2008, 09:45:24 PM
   There's this guy out one day raking his lawn at his new home out in the sticks.

   And a car comes roaring up the road then comes to a dusty stop. The driver yells out ' Howdy neighbor, new here?'

   'Yup, been wantin' to git out to these parts for a long time'

    Then the driver says he's having a party at his place down the road later on that evening.

    ' Oh, yeah, what kinda party?'

    "Just the usual kind....you know...eating...drinking..games...party stuff....maybe even some fightin'... and
   
     love makin'

     And the guy leans on his rake and says "sounds like my kind of party, what should I wear?"

     "Don't matter, just gonna be you and me"

     
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 25, 2008, 05:53:31 AM
 [shocked] [scared]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 25, 2008, 05:17:04 PM
   Another Dream shattered

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Funtitled-5.jpg&hash=626baf060f243ffa9fd69ec890123eac)

Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!
                             Wouldn't you know it ?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 25, 2008, 06:02:56 PM
 Bill and Hillary are at a Yankee's home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
 
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
 
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
 
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
 
Bill hesitates!... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
 
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.
 
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
 
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
 
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
 
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
 
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?
 
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 25, 2008, 07:20:48 PM
   Another Dream shattered

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Funtitled-5.jpg&hash=626baf060f243ffa9fd69ec890123eac)

Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!
                             Wouldn't you know it ?

That would be my luck.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 25, 2008, 07:23:41 PM
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankee's home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
 
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
 
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
 
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
 
Bill hesitates!... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
 
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.
 
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
 
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
 
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
 
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
 
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?
 
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"

Homegrown, that was great.  rofl      [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on March 25, 2008, 07:36:41 PM
They shoulda been sitting in a sky box.   [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 26, 2008, 03:38:58 AM
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other night a gal I know was invited out for a night with the "girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, She headed for home. Just as She got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning her husband asked what time she got in, She told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one!" she thought. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleare d its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 26, 2008, 07:05:24 AM
[rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 27, 2008, 11:09:49 AM
An engineering grad student is walking across campus one day when a gorgeous blonde rides up on a really cool electric assisted bicycle.  She unzips the front of her jumpsuit and tells the young man in a seductive voice, "Take whatever you want."  The engineer scratches his head and says, "Gee, thanks a lot."  Then he hops on her bicycle and rides off.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 27, 2008, 01:26:33 PM
Italian Boy's Confession



 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.


 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'
 'Yes, Father, it is.'
 'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'


 ' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
 As well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

 'I cannot say.'

 'Was it Teresa Volpe?'

 'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'

 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

 'My lips are sealed.'

 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
 And I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
 Yourself.'

 Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
 Whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 '4 months vacation and five good leads.'

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on March 28, 2008, 03:32:34 PM
What did the cannibal have for lunch?

A Sam handwich!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 28, 2008, 09:00:42 PM
George Bush walks into the doctors office with a frog stuck to his forehead.

Doc looks at him and says, "What seems to be the problem?"

Frog looks at him and asks, "Could you remove this wart from my butt?" hmm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 03, 2008, 11:15:18 AM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 03, 2008, 07:28:15 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 04, 2008, 06:44:45 PM
Dec 8
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

Dec 9
Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

Dec 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

Dec 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

Dec 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

Dec 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very just cruel.

Dec 17
Way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

Dec 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.

Dec 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.

Dec 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

Dec 24
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

Dec 25
Merry  Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an' idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

Dec 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

Dec 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

Dec 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She’s driving me crazy!

Dec 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

Dec 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

Dec 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Screw Bob, to heck with the wife!

Jan 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
My God…Why am I tied to the bed?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 04, 2008, 07:06:05 PM
It only took a month-- glad I don't have much snow.  Just filed the sights off my gun barrel in case a bear shows up.  I don't know about that shovel thing.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 04, 2008, 07:10:22 PM
I have the same snow shovel we bought in 1976 when we bought our first house. The blade is an inch or more shorter than it was when new. Worn off against the concrete.

Probably haven't used it half quarter as much in 23 years here as the 9 years back home.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on April 04, 2008, 07:25:10 PM
There is a Family Dollar store in the strip mall where I have my office here in N. GA.  Every year corporate sends the store another box of snow shovels in anticipation of winter.  Seems they have been piling up in the store room for a few years as no one ever buys a snow shovel.  This year, in an effort to regain some storage space, the new manager put a couple boxes of them by the door with a sign "Free, take one". 
A week later he took all of them to the Goodwill store. Not a single snow shovel went out the door even for free. 

Snow shovels are not what you would call a popular item in the South. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on April 04, 2008, 07:40:16 PM
I think its a marketing issue John C. They should have said "Free Pooper Scoopers"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on April 04, 2008, 07:49:22 PM
I'll mention it to him on Monday.  This is a rural area, people don't scoop after pets. The poop shovels and pitchforks are heavy duty items, a lot stouter than those snow shovels. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 05, 2008, 08:42:52 AM
Two  women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as

her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize,

" Please allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd  allow me," she told him.  "Oh, no, I'll be

all right. I'll be fine in a  few minutes", the man replied.  He was in

obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands

together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed

her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened

his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful

massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 

He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 05, 2008, 01:55:37 PM
I think its a marketing issue John C. They should have said "Free Pooper Scoopers"
My husband moved ours with us from Wisconsin, and I asked him if that's what he was intending to use it for, because we seldom have enough snow here to bother with a shovel. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 05, 2008, 02:43:51 PM
But if you already own one why not keep it.

When we moved to NM from Canada I didn't think I'd ever use our snow shovel. The first summer I used it to shovel blown in sand from the doorway.  ::) Within a year the first snowfall came, only a few inches but it was nice to be able to clear the sidewalk so snow didn't get tracked inside. I haven't used it every winter, but probably most. This past winter twice at least, maybe three times.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 05, 2008, 10:09:22 PM
Thats a good one, John.  ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 07, 2008, 08:29:18 AM
Check your add for typos before posting it.

Quote
Free Estimates does not include service calls, Insured and Boned
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 07, 2008, 04:32:21 PM
The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.   

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.   

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.   

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.   

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'   

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just t fine - they were used to sharing everything.   

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.   

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'   

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)       


 






 



'THE TEETH.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 07, 2008, 07:47:59 PM
Better than gumming it to death I guess.  [crz]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on April 09, 2008, 06:18:23 PM
Advertising slogans that didn't quite translate


The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"


Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."


Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the  following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."


Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."


When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.


Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the  name of a notorious porno magazine.


An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the  Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato"  (la papa).


Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in  Chinese.


The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",  meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with  Wax", depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000  characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."


Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to  make a tender chicken,"   was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."


When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its  ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket  and embarrass you."  The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to  embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant!"


When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 10, 2008, 08:43:20 AM
Those were great!
When I was living in Korea, I had a collection of funny signs in English.  Here is a sampling, though I can't remember all of the good ones.

On a styling salon advertisement:
"Jesus's Hair Park" --funny enough, they were open on Sunday.  I don't know if they thought they were good enough Jesus could get his hair done there or what.

On the "Tom Cat" restaurant's sign near a US military base:
"Beer, Wine, and Skittles.  Here, you can rule the roast!"  I have a feeling that instead of Skittles, as in the candy, they meant vittles?  And ostensibly, roost instead of roast... or maybe the roast is generally unruly in Korea?

A sign for parking translated into English:
"Par King"

Another restaurant sign:
"Best Rest Runt"

In an English menu in Korea:
"We prepare our food with absolute courtesy and diligence."

There were too many to remember them all... wish I could.   Somewhere I have a running list.  However, my absolute favorite was one in the movie theater.  Before the feature film, they showed the typical no smoking symbol, followed by a symbol for no cell phones and no feet on seats, and the kicker was saved for last when an outline of a whole squid appeared with the big red circle and line drawn across for "no squid".  Whole dried squid is a popular snack item sold by street vendors.  The vendors briefly wave the shoe-leather-tough squid across a burner and then you eat it whole, like really super-tough beef jerky that smells like it came out of a horse's rear end.  I'm assuming it was banned from the theater because even Koreans admit it smells awful! 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 10, 2008, 12:13:55 PM
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


"You've got Male"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 14, 2008, 10:29:58 AM
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One

 

 We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We  turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet  parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

 We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived  and we opened the front door to leave the house.

 The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't  want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

 My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife  doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the  night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's  just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

 A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,  as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to  poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take  off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket  to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

 The cab driver hit a parked car.



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 15, 2008, 02:08:09 PM
Yup, Sho'Nuff, It'S Comin'!!!

 
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge inEl Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.  One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

 
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.  The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

 
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly  he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

 
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

 
The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: BiggKidd on April 15, 2008, 04:03:27 PM
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.


That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
Positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 17, 2008, 12:57:59 PM
'Good morning, welcome to Wal Mart!'
 
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
 
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
 Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
 couldn't  believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
 at Wal-Mart.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 17, 2008, 08:44:37 PM
Sometimes you really have to wonder. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 18, 2008, 11:27:40 AM
A tribute to all the wives. Against my better judgement. ;D

Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 19, 2008, 08:39:37 PM
Sassy gets emails from an old friend, sometimes sending along some humor.

Here is one he sent today.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO

THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST

NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS,

THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD

GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO

UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN

INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE

SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF

MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO

OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR

BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'


'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL

THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE

WAS A WITCH .

A WITCH ??. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY

THAT?

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER

ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN

SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK

MY TEETH WITH HER!'   :-\
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 21, 2008, 12:06:07 PM
Well this ones on me.  I sure some can relate but after the fact it was pretty funny. 

I was building a raised hearth for the fireplace today.  Standard 2X framing covered by 1/2 ply, followed by storm guard and then lath wire for the stone.  Just prior to putting a piece of Hardee board on top I couldn't find my 2' level.  After several minutes of searching it just wasn't anywhere to be found.  Guess what. Yeah you are right. INSIDE THE HEARTH.  d* d* d*     Luckily I was able to pull the top piece up and reach in and pull it out.  After the hardee board for the hearth stone to sit on I concreted the space between the hearth and the fireplace opening.  If I hadn't remembered it would have been a time capsule of sorts I guess.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 21, 2008, 12:11:46 PM
Senior moments already?  hmm

Last one I remember was looking for my cutting glasses - for the torch - and not finding them because they were on my hat, which was on my head.

Not sure where my head was.  The sun must not have been shining though. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 21, 2008, 04:14:04 PM
Glenn that reminds me once that my secretary kept walking from office to office. Seem to go on for 1/2 hour or so.  I said S****** what are you doing.  She walked back to my office and said she had lost her D** glasses.  I told her to look on top of her head.  She walked away #$%@##.  Good girl but from farther down in the sticks from me.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 21, 2008, 05:37:04 PM
I hate it when that happens -- I have a bit of swede in me but not blond.

Might be if I had more hair. [crz]

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on April 21, 2008, 05:58:05 PM
I read somewhere that the average person spends twenty minutes a day searching for things they have misplaced.  In my case twenty minutes a day is a goal.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 21, 2008, 06:25:01 PM
Here's one on me today, too:  Had to make a grocery run because I didn't go last week and we really needed some food in the house.  Seemed like everything that could postpone the trip kept happening, and then my mom called just as we were about to walk out the door.  When I finally got off the phone with her, I grabbed my purse and keys and ushered the girls out the front door.  Just as I was pulling the door to, the phone started ringing again, so I ran back inside and tried to catch it when I saw DH's cell number on the caller ID, because I know he never calls without reason.  Unfortunately, he'd hung up by the time I got the phone.  Well, I figured I'd call him back with my cell phone as I was getting kids in the truck, so I dug my phone out of the purse and strode back through the door, pulling it closed behind me.  DH answered just as I realized my keys were sitting on the counter next to the home phone, and the door was locked.  DH apologized because he'd accidentally called home instead of calling his office phone to test out the new answering system that they were having trouble with... so there was no reason for the call.  And, by now, the kids and I are locked outside in hot humid weather with no food or drink, or even a place to hang out, really.  The doors are all locked.  The truck is locked.  As it turned out, we sat on the front stoop for more than two hours waiting on DH to get home from work.  He was teasing me because I looked like some sort of homeless pregnant bum sitting on the concrete slab and leaned up against the door.  My feet were all swollen and the kids were all hot and sweaty, but we did finally get back in.  What a waste of an afternoon. d* d* d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 25, 2008, 04:00:55 AM
My uncle emailed me this one this morning...cheesy joke of the day c*


The Wedding of the Wongs


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?


Sum Ting Wong
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 26, 2008, 04:29:14 PM
::)

That was almost enough to start me on my Confucius jokes but I don't know any clean ones.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 26, 2008, 05:55:36 PM
 :)  My husband didn't get it.  I had to read it out loud twice, slowly, before it began to sink in finally (I'd emailed it to him at work and he wrote back that he didn't get it.)  Engineers!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 26, 2008, 08:41:05 PM
I probably wrote this one before, but a Chinese fellow went into the eye doctor because he was having problems seeing.

The doctor took a look and said , "Hmm, looks like you have cataracts."

The man replied, "No, Rincoln Continental."

d*

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 27, 2008, 05:00:18 AM
 ;D  True story.  I have a friend who is a musician in Branson.  He was with a group of musicians raising money for MS and they were filming a portion of the fund-raiser as a PSA.  Shoji Tabuchi, the Japanese fiddle player, was among the group, and just before the filming began, Shoji turned to the audience to explain, "Now when I pray, you crap rear roud!"  My friend said that when the cameras started rolling half the audience was doubled over in their seats laughing hysterically.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: NM_Shooter on April 27, 2008, 06:33:06 PM
Okay... apologies in advance.  This one qualifies as PG-13

-f-



The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 27, 2008, 09:26:02 PM
Thanks for that one, Frank.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi234.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fee86%2Fcloudflower%2Fbatgirl.jpg&hash=b03ee6886be3aa216d964949296ab5b0)

I needed that.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on April 28, 2008, 04:57:59 PM
Is she a good cook too? ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 07:38:47 PM
Does she have to?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: sparks on April 28, 2008, 08:27:27 PM
My son sent this one to me. He's over *there* somewhere.

> I thought this was funny....
 
 
> Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all
> working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
> out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in
> total', says the Genie.
>
>
>
>
>
> The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
> land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the
> Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
> Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can
> come in our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's
> eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
> wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 500 feet high, 5o feet
> thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
> it's virtually impenetrable.' The Texan sits down, cracks open a Miller
> , smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.
>
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:01:02 PM
> Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all
> working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
> out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in
> total', says the Genie.


Osama Bin Laden:

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fz.about.com%2Fd%2Fpoliticalhumor%2F1%2F0%2Fi%2FF%2Fosama_bean.jpg&hash=1d6803e4c2754a019dbf71a333d73379)

------------------------------

Yours faithfully...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:10:31 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fz.about.com%2Fd%2Fpoliticalhumor%2F1%2F0%2FN%2FF%2Fosama_pee.gif&hash=f28c12d4b5a9509c5225647d0337b106)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:21:44 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fz.about.com%2Fd%2Fpoliticalhumor%2F1%2F0%2FP%2FP%2Fosama_waldo2.jpg&hash=60252ae7122612ebae93e71860b9ffc2)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:26:24 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fz.about.com%2Fd%2Fpoliticalhumor%2F1%2F0%2FS%2FP%2Fosama_baby.jpg&hash=407004beb0ff70e55c9b99ede61feda6)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:30:21 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fz.about.com%2Fd%2Fpoliticalhumor%2F1%2F0%2Fq%2F9%2Ftaliban_assaulttank.jpg&hash=3e9a579775c0a1c8b7aba45c9475f8cf)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 09:33:07 PM
Yevgen, what is the thought on Osama there?

Many here think he was dead long ago as Benazir Bhutto stated before she was assinated. 

He was a CIA asset, and his family was in business with the Bush family

Thanks  for your comments.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 09:40:53 PM
Yevgen, what is the thought on Osama there?

Many here think he was dead long ago as Benazir Bhutto stated before she was assinated. 

He was a CIA asset, and his family was in business with the Bush family

Thanks  for your comments.

The theme "Humour" has smoothly passed in a theme of "Politician", whether not so?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 09:55:51 PM
Good catch, Yevgen. rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 10:03:37 PM
Excellent idea, whether not so?


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bostonapartments.com%2Fhumor-plumber-toilet-truck.jpg&hash=e65e2deda1ba89653cb5aa0928ed34f0)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 10:05:15 PM
That looks a lot like my cousin.  He's a plumber in Oregon.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 10:21:11 PM
That looks a lot like my cousin.  He's a plumber in Oregon.

That plumber from anybody will not hide a place of the work.

And to it will have to recolour a door of a pickup as soon as it will change a place of work (for example, instead of a toilet bowl to draw office armchair as soon as it will be arranged with the manager in shop of office furniture)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 10:37:31 PM
Some self employed people here are a bit crazy. ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 10:57:07 PM

Look and admire! ;)

-------------------------------------

The barge with coal floats...

It is pushed with a tow behind

Ahead - a leaf bridge :P

------------------------------------

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat01.jpg&hash=93e994ba8e5d770ca297969e783a8755)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat02.jpg&hash=9b312c3a3c6acef533c15ac998d1e223)


The barge has passed, and the bridge... It is not dissolved!!! What to do? The captain does not surrender and unhooks the barge.

In fact the tow is a submarine



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat03.jpg&hash=a012c32cdbe16bbb3313bf7689b6714c)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat04.jpg&hash=0c54cc36b229c38ee314d5b5d1e3ecaf)

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(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat07.jpg&hash=a2468e806a9efdd4ff6189e40ecd7bed)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat08.jpg&hash=16a8324e29551a36e917615eb2508928)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat09.jpg&hash=d4fa8993522b6a3b65a5b99e5dc46651)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat10.jpg&hash=4e2b31bc832bb0fd9c0b8885dab687d0)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat11.jpg&hash=c88f2437a9e1dae538d1ed6a3eae219e)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat12.jpg&hash=f90d529e7238551a139c39318676ce4a)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat13.jpg&hash=a37db147f963eefc405925f11fa8e3c3)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat14.jpg&hash=31c4e8de4f5aeb9a27d5172d7a9311d4)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat15.jpg&hash=9b04bc23e2b97619c7312e85496283e6)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat16.jpg&hash=9c1316b40ba0e85a50a93727e3b78f81)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat17.jpg&hash=e31a167af50e3b6bcdb5eeff78902380)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat18.jpg&hash=6c96c5881ac770f3e9b3e900003209f2)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat19.jpg&hash=0044e6869673cbf0b53de339177f7d4d)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fecho.vsev.net%2Fimages%2Fboat%2Ftowboat20.jpg&hash=1b49e2ec9a9cdda5e37beba66ba4f720)

-----------------------------------------

The brave captain of the barge... [cool]

And you so can? ;)

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 11:05:26 PM
That was a very good maneuver , yevgen.  Was that intentional? 

 I saw it somewhere one time before if I recall correctly..
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 11:10:14 PM
Found it -- true story - it was in Alabama.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/accident/towboat.asp
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 28, 2008, 11:14:07 PM
Found it -- true story - it was in Alabama.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/accident/towboat.asp



http://echo.vsev.net/showthread.php?fid=29&tid=1677&old_block=0
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 28, 2008, 11:23:29 PM
Interesting - Here is a translator for our members who do not read Russian -- like me. :)

Paste the above link into the translate web page line on Alta Vista.

http://babelfish.altavista.com/babelfish/tr

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 29, 2008, 12:59:01 AM
The Bermuda Triangle: d*


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcooler.irk.ru%2Fpic20%2Fevq01.jpg&hash=1f9dfc48626df7f5a218b6901abfff6f)

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----------------------------

Yours faithfully... :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 29, 2008, 01:44:45 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.awz.ru%2Fimages%2Fprik%2Fnewfiles26022005%2F14.jpg&hash=a7d8c29ca9000eaba2f633e69b32e8b3)

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 29, 2008, 05:53:16 AM
Nice van. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 29, 2008, 10:00:24 AM
On that last one....  is he taking the parts car home, or the parts car to the wrecking yard??


I love the barge.     

I saw the double crane one before... from the UK I believe.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on April 29, 2008, 11:25:33 AM
http://www.liveinternet.ru/users/1774405/post47597268/

Сlick on kittens and it is kept.

Include a sound.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 29, 2008, 05:28:37 PM
My dogs enjoyed that.
On that last one....  is he taking the parts car home, or the parts car to the wrecking yard??


I love the barge.     

I saw the double crane one before... from the UK I believe.

I'm not sure, but the bottom one - the van looks like it hit an IED.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 01, 2008, 10:44:43 AM
The Drunk Guy

 
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
 
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
 
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."
 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!
 
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 09:56:01 AM


Fallen out little snow:


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.online.ua%2Fblin.com.ua%2Fimg%2F85%2Fonline_ua-42114.jpg&hash=6b0bc024bc807cbf279a246e440b6931)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:01:36 AM

Some garages located a small puddle:



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.online.ua%2Fblin.com.ua%2Fimg%2F85%2Fonline_ua-42037.jpg&hash=de93a9a4456f7e942fcef10fb913eb48)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:20:19 AM



 
FORD Focus:



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.online.ua%2Fblin.com.ua%2Fimg%2F73%2Fonline_ua-36336.jpg&hash=cae3920a30d03d848c6cd3c0fc1a93af)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:32:03 AM

To drivers do not exceed the permissible speed:



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia.online.ua%2Fblin.com.ua%2Fimg%2F72%2Fonline_ua-35986.jpg&hash=cc98ed730548ac9881c599e304d6f850)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:46:38 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:48:28 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 03, 2008, 10:50:28 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 03, 2008, 10:55:45 AM
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and g oes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 03, 2008, 09:09:16 PM
Looks like Bob got a good deal, John.

Interesting pictures, yevgen.  A good cop and what looks to be a rather deep puddle.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 04, 2008, 03:37:14 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 04, 2008, 03:47:01 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 04, 2008, 03:49:08 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 04, 2008, 05:35:56 AM
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.

He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed,saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I
just never wanted to."A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger
said,"Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew
his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking
down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass_?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on May 04, 2008, 07:20:53 AM
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.


Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.


Our OIL is located in

Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas



Our DIPSTICKS are located in  Washington, DC!! !

Any Questions???   NO? Didn't think So.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 05, 2008, 02:29:22 AM
CATHOLIC GASOLINE

 Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
 her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck
 would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away.
 
 She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.  The
 attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
 but she could wait until it was returned.  Since Sister Mary Ann was on
 the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
 her car.
 
 She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
 spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
 
 Always resorceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
 filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. 
 
 As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
 across the street. 
 
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If that thing starts, I'm
 turning Catholic.'
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on May 05, 2008, 05:27:10 AM
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. 
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said,
'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.   
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. 
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
 Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 
First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'

 

 

 
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.   
He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter,
who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one --
which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. 
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so
I will give you credit for that answer.'
'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but
I thunk and thunk about that, and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but
I will have to give you credit for that one, too. 
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

St.  Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run Forrest, run!'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 05, 2008, 09:32:36 AM
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices  the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

 

'Little Partner, ' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'



 

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 05, 2008, 09:45:02 AM
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
         
       I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
         
       A half-gallon of 2% milk,
       A carton of eggs,
       A quart of orange juice,
       A head of romaine lettuce,
       A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
       A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

       
       As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
       check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
       front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
       the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
         
       I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
       intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
       looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
       about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
       status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know
       what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
         
       The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 05, 2008, 10:17:18 AM
The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices  the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

 

'Little Partner, ' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'



 

 



[rofl2] [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 05, 2008, 11:50:52 AM
   WHILE SUTURING A CUT ON THE HAND OF A 75 YEAR OLD
TEXAS RANCHER WHOSE HAND WAS CAUGHT IN A GATE WHILE WORKING
CATTLE, THE DOCTOR STRUCK UP A CONVERSATION WITH THE OLD MAN.

 EVENTUALLY THE TOPIC GOT AROUND TO OBAMA AND HIS BID TO BE OUR
PRESIDENT. THE OLD RANCHER SAID, 'WELL, YA KNOW, OBAMA IS A 'POST TURTLE.'
NOT BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM,
THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM WHAT A 'POST TURTLE' WAS.

  THE OLD RANCHER SAID,'WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD
AND YOU COME ACROSS A FENCE POST WITH TURTLE BALANCED ON TOP, THAT'S A
'POST TURTLE.'

  THE OLD MAN SAW A PUZZLED LOOK ON THE DOCTOR'S FACE, SO HE
CONTINUED TO EXPL AIN. 'YOU KNOW HE DIDN'T GET UP THERE BY
HIMSELF, HE DOESN'T BELONG UP THERE, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHILE HE
IS UP THERE, AND YOU JUST WANT TO HELP THE DUMB ASS GET DOWN.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 07, 2008, 01:59:14 PM
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: yevgen on May 07, 2008, 07:59:04 PM
Obvious example of fines for speeding: d*

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 08, 2008, 01:09:27 PM
Has anyone noticed the new highway signs for gas stations?  I saw one the other day for the first time.  What do you think of it.

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: BiggKidd on May 08, 2008, 01:48:38 PM
Got Gas???????????????????

Clik on image to watch short video.

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Wonder if that guy's for hire? With my thirty six gal tank on my van I could use his services. rofl rofl rofl

Larry
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 08, 2008, 06:47:14 PM
   rofl   rofl rofl   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 09, 2008, 05:36:00 AM
There was a comedy skit on Leno a few weeks ago that was a mock advertisement for a game called "Siphon" that was pretty funny.  One of those nights I couldn't sleep, I think.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 09, 2008, 06:29:57 AM
I caught a doper after he stole gas from my equipment - footprint went straight to his Cadillac.  He was likely passed out inside -- called the cops -- showed them the funnel and can sitting beside his open gas tank. 

They said they couldn't do anything because I didn't actually see him do it, (but would look the other way if his car mysteriously caught fire in the night).

I guess I should have done it.  I was just plain disgusted with the SYSTEM to protect the criminals.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 09, 2008, 02:12:06 PM
Glenn sounds like Lazzzy officers.  That's almost as good as redhanded IMO.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 09, 2008, 02:16:58 PM
 
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 09, 2008, 06:10:28 PM
I am not even going to mess with that one.

That's as bad as the wife who happily told her husband, "Honey, I lost 10 lbs. this week."

He replied, "Turn around, I think I found it."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 11, 2008, 02:08:22 AM
> DIVORCE VS. MURDER
>
> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
> pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy
> some cyanide."
>
> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
> give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
> license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
> happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
> different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
>
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 11, 2008, 07:51:11 AM
Where do you find all these, Red?   rofl rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 11, 2008, 01:14:33 PM
Sassy that one came from my wife.  Yeah she is a hospital employee also but has more time than you as she is in administration.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 12, 2008, 02:12:33 AM
Blonde Swimmer



 
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy -five length s she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

 
 



.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 12, 2008, 06:18:58 AM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 12, 2008, 06:20:09 AM
My husband tried to tell a blonde joke yesterday, but messed up the punch line, so I'll try to correct it for him now.

A blonde was driving down a residential street in her pickup when she saw another blonde sitting in a speed boat in her front lawn, pretending to drive the boat.  Infuriated, she pulled over to the side of the road and began yelling at the blonde in the boat.  

"Hey, you!  Get out of that boat!  People like you are the reason that everyone is always making fun of us blondes!  You're making a fool out of yourself and all of us!"

The blonde in the boat paid no attention.

The other blonde shook her fist and yelled, "If I could swim, I'd drag you out of that boat and punch your lights out!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 12, 2008, 06:47:02 AM
How to catch an elephant...

Lay down in the grass and make noise like a peanut.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 13, 2008, 12:57:37 PM
 

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS... PRICELESS !!
If you don't listen to anything else today, listen to this one.  This will definitely make you laugh!  Turn up your sound and click on the website below.  The accident occurred in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.  This is a phone call from a man who witnesses the accident involving four elderly women.  It was so popular when they played it on CHUM- FM, and they put it on their website.  The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.



http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 13, 2008, 03:10:45 PM
I hope this link works... my cousin sent me this yesterday.  Enjoy.  It is a recording of a guy in TX witnessing an accident.

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf 

I knew I'd posted this before... it's still funny though.... they say the memory is the first thing to go.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 13, 2008, 03:13:42 PM
I may have posted this one before, but it's another one that's still funny... the guy in the outhouse looks just like my dad, only I can't imagine dad wearing a tie for any reason.

http://gprime.net/video.php/ihatemondays
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 13, 2008, 05:05:38 PM
HT I think the baby is laying on your memory stem. I just posted that exact site 2 hrs before you.  Still funny though.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 14, 2008, 05:05:25 AM
HT I think the baby is laying on your memory stem. I just posted that exact site 2 hrs before you.  Still funny though.

No, Red, look at the date on the quote... Jan 26th!  :D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 14, 2008, 04:53:31 PM
HT I didn't look at the date  d* but wondered.  Shoot I can't remember what I did last week let alone in January. Is it crowning yet?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 15, 2008, 07:51:19 AM
 rofl  I was just giving you a hard time.  Every time I listen to that one, it cracks me up.  Sounds just like a guy I dated in college for a while.


Here's another one I heard the other day:

Spud and Ethel went to the state fair, and Spud saw one of the rides that he'd really like to ride.  "Ethel," he said, "I'd really like to try that ride... it looks like a lot of fun."  Ethel shook her head and said, "But Spud, it costs ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks."

The next year they went back to the state fair, and the same ride was still there.  It was a really wild roller coaster.  Again, Spud told Ethel that he really wanted to ride it, and again she replied, "But Spud, ten bucks is ten bucks." 

This went on for years, and each year, Ethel thought the ride was too expensive.  They were getting on up there in years and one year the ride operator heard Spud say, "Ethel, I'd really like to ride that ride before I die."  As always, Ethel answered, "But Spud, it costs ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks."  The ride operator got tickled at the old couple, so he said, "I'll make you a deal.  You can both ride it for free, but only if neither of you says a word the whole time.  If either of you holler, you owe me ten bucks."   Spud and Ethel climbed aboard, and the ride operator started the ride.  Neither one flinched or hollered.  He turned up the speed on the ride so that it got wilder and wilder, and still not a peep from Spud or Ethel.  He let the ride go twice as long as usual, and still silence.  Finally, he stopped the ride and said incredulously to Spud, "I can't believe you didn't scream!  I thought sure you would when your wife fell out ten minutes ago!"  Spud shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Ten bucks is ten bucks!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 15, 2008, 07:53:23 AM
 rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on May 16, 2008, 06:57:14 AM
anyone lose a cat?

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 16, 2008, 07:29:24 AM
I have had a few of those cats.  Odd breed.  Mine was named Ernie, after the guy who gave him to me.

Always walking around hissing and showing his teeth, although he never did bite me.

Nice thing was besides cat food, he would eat anything...vegetables , garbage etc.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 16, 2008, 08:11:48 AM
 rofl rofl
I raised one of those cats, too!  From a tiny baby that fit in my hand to a big thing - was really sweet, would let you hold it, pet it, feed it by hand - his name was Algernon (actually, don't really know if he was a he or she).  Had the softest fur...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 16, 2008, 08:57:00 AM
My friend Rachel forwarded that one to me a few weeks ago and I sent it to a redneck Okie friend of mine who lives in Sacremento now... thought he would get a kick out of it.

In college, I had a couple of neighbors who became really good friends.  One was Pakistani and the other was Malaysian, and we used to cook and eat together a few times every week and play basketball every Friday.  They were nice guys.  Out of the goodness of their hearts and the emptiness of their wallets, they decided to take on a third roommate, Faraj, from Dubai.  Faraj was young, cocky, and trying desperately to fit in and impress American girls.  Mainly, he just annoyed his roommates.  And he smoked, a habit that the other guys detested.  Well, one night the other two guys and I had walked to the local little pancake house to have breakfast for supper, and we stopped back by their house for the awesome tea the Pakistani guy used to make.  When we came in, Faraj was sitting at the table, shaking like a leaf, and was completely pale.  He whirled around when we came in the door and said to me, "Hey, Mishi (his ridiculous nickname for me), how beeg do the rats geet around here?!"  His face was the most comical thing I've ever seen.  Turns out, he'd gone out for a smoke just after sunset, and heard something rustling in the bushes.  He thought he was seeing a cat and reached down to pet the 'possum, who spun and hissed and growled at him.  As he later told me, "That rat was thees beeg!  And he had glowing eyes and fangs thees long!!"  The other two guys and I laughed so hard I thought our sides would split.  Faraj quit smoking that day! ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 16, 2008, 12:38:05 PM
 rofl rofl rofl   that's a good one!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 16, 2008, 01:05:47 PM
 ;D I never could convince him that it was a marsupial and not a rodent, though.  I still giggle when I think about his face when we walked through their door! 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 18, 2008, 11:25:04 AM
I became confused when I heard these terms
which reference the word
'service'

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 18, 2008, 01:09:23 PM
Sorry, John.  You are not allowed to promote Vaseline sales on this forum. [crz]

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 19, 2008, 02:46:04 PM
A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl., Police Dept.
 
 A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.   His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.
 
 About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
 
 The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
 
 A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
 
 The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.  She opens the door. There sitting in the garage  is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
 
 True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

 

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 19, 2008, 05:59:24 PM
Probably did have a couple too many. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 21, 2008, 05:26:34 PM
REDNECK VACATION


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'






Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on May 26, 2008, 12:29:12 PM
Some more on those "dam" plans.   Long so in 2 parts


Saw this over at the Alaska Forum.

Part#1




This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. The man's response follows...
DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
D Price
District Representative and Water Management Division. avid L.
***
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on May 26, 2008, 12:30:19 PM
Here is Part #2

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 26, 2008, 12:32:21 PM
gandalfthegrey I had gotten that before. Pretty good response letter though.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 26, 2008, 03:00:07 PM
 heh heh rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on May 27, 2008, 06:58:03 AM
How about some Handy Conversions Factors ?

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 phone
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on May 27, 2008, 03:18:09 PM
What can I say?
 ;D ;D :D ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 28, 2008, 02:29:29 PM
Subject:  on sale A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.  'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife <
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says  'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...  A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.  'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,  'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.  The man replies... " SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE FREAKIN'PRICE " 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 28, 2008, 04:07:32 PM
    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their
    carts around
    Home Depot when they collide.
     
     
     
    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
    I'm looking
    for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
    where I was going."
     
    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.
    I'm looking
    for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a
    little desperate."
     
     
     
    The old guy says, "Maybe we can help each other. What
    does your wife look like?"
     
    The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall,
    with blonde
    hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
    wearing tight white
    shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife
    look like?"
     
     
     
    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for
    yours."






Sent to Sassy by a friend.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 31, 2008, 01:41:09 AM
The Three Li ttl e Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said t he second little piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The dri nks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of be er,' e xclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'   
 
You're gonna LOVE    this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 31, 2008, 03:59:56 PM
Corn Fed Venison - It Looked Good On Paper!

As I sit here behind this laptop, I now realize that this definitely wasn’t the brightest idea I have ever had. I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand…kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
continued
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 31, 2008, 04:00:12 PM
continued from above

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.


http://www.bloggingwv.com/corn-fed-venison-it-looked-good-on-paper/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 04, 2008, 03:34:46 AM
STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud....
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
                                      'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral Of This Story ? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery
Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance!

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 04, 2008, 12:23:41 PM
Red, I like that joke... the first time I heard it, I was in highschool.  My grandpa was in the hospital and wasn't doing so well.  In fact, he was in such bad shape that he couldn't talk.  I'd go see him every day after school.  I'd always try to find a new joke or two to tell him when I went, and I remember when I told him that one, his face lit up in a big old grin.  I didn't have to wonder anymore if he heard me or not.   ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on June 04, 2008, 01:42:23 PM
This one from Glenn's daughter...

No Good Chili
 
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma .
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring ay it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,

'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
 
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'
 
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over
to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly
down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
 
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, Yep, that's as far as I got, too........'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on June 04, 2008, 01:51:01 PM
 rofl  Sounds like our local cafe.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 05, 2008, 02:33:26 AM
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!   

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense..'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed .

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit'   



 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on June 05, 2008, 03:14:55 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.loopy.org%2Fbeer.jpg&hash=99322609d01573c4accd73df80ffeaa9)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on June 05, 2008, 03:25:37 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.loopy.org%2Frs.jpg&hash=71b0d7f805753d80194a9d5c31723984)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 05, 2008, 05:29:00 AM
I wonder if that one was real?  Wonder if they caught him? rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: southernsis on June 05, 2008, 07:03:15 AM
Couldn't stop laughing. Where I live a lot of these are common sights. I have a neighbor that told me he had been working on his place for 10 years and he finally had it done. His landscaping consists of old car bodies, toilets, bathtubs and beer can. Just some local insight. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: BiggKidd on June 05, 2008, 01:56:43 PM
A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 06, 2008, 08:49:03 AM
Got this from a friend this morning... some are more accurate for certain parts of the state than others.  I can't believe there is no reference to Coca-cola in the entire thing...

Things I learned living in Oklahoma

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's dark -thirty.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pass time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive  then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 06, 2008, 12:19:07 PM
Jeet has been shortened from dijaeet -- oh no -- wait a minute -- My ex's niece was from Arkansas.  Different language - similar roots I guess.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 06, 2008, 12:36:37 PM
or the other variant, which I'm more apt to use, jeet yet?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 07, 2008, 03:47:58 AM
Subject: A Beer Before It Starts

 

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.  When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.  It's gonna start".  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.  When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second". 

 

"That's it!"  She blows her top.  "You  bastard!  You waltz in here, flop your fat-ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband signed, "Oh shit, it started".

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 08, 2008, 09:27:46 AM
Subject: Two Trees
 
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one:
 
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
 
The birch says he cannot tell.
 
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
 
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
 
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
 
Now wipe that smile off your face.
 

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 08, 2008, 10:31:11 AM
:)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 11, 2008, 01:22:59 PM
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the  Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing$1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in
the collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,
and I give some of it to the church.

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'




 
Title: Re: Humor HELL EXPLAINED BY a CHEMISTRY STUDENT
Post by: John_C on June 12, 2008, 12:58:58 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid- term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 17, 2008, 12:09:17 PM
 GOT TO LOVE LITTLE BOYS!

            Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
            tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
            The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
            'Eight,' the boy replied.
            The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
            The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
            him.    He's my brother.  He's four.  We saw on TV that if you use these
            you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either
            one.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 17, 2008, 08:42:14 PM
So is it possible that if I bought a box, I may be able to swim?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 18, 2008, 12:26:06 PM
 A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
 his mother asks if he has done his chores.
 'Not yet,' said the little boy.
 His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
 Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he
 kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the
 pigs, he kicks a pig.
 He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
 dry cereal.
 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any
 milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
 get any eggs for a week.
 I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week
 either.
 I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
 Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
 halfway across the kitchen.
 
 The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You
 gonna tell him or should I?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 18, 2008, 01:40:52 PM
I think the moral is to be nice to animals. Right ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 18, 2008, 06:46:08 PM
There has to be some kind of lesson there. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 23, 2008, 12:52:10 PM
 Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,
a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.
'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in....the hole-he-goes.'
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 23, 2008, 09:17:58 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 24, 2008, 10:19:36 AM
never overlook the obvious

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need ... a new
suit! ' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new
suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44
long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.?

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe
and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache!'


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 24, 2008, 10:28:12 AM
[rofl2] rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: mvk on June 24, 2008, 12:09:05 PM
I got carded today at Agway when I asked for my senior discount [cool]
Mike
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 25, 2008, 09:38:33 AM
Will I live to see 80?


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well'
for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on June 25, 2008, 11:03:26 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 26, 2008, 03:02:08 AM
 

   

 

 

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded  that I take her out to someplace expensive......

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on June 26, 2008, 06:31:39 PM
 Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

 ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 26, 2008, 07:37:40 PM
Perfect!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on June 27, 2008, 07:29:16 PM
High Flying

Presidential candidates
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.


Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could
throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'


John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred
$10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their
 exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out
of the window and make 325 million people very happy.'

I'm
voting for the Pilot!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 27, 2008, 07:59:38 PM
I'd pay for his Av-Gas.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on June 28, 2008, 05:25:15 AM
just read page 18, had me LMAO. d* got to go back and read the other pages.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 02, 2008, 12:41:19 PM
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to
cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
 
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place . .. smack him again!"

If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on July 02, 2008, 04:50:05 PM
Back in the day, when Bill Clinton was still President he was returning from a political trip to Arkansas.

The presidential helicopter landed on the lawn of the White House and the President walked off the chopper and through the assembled marine honor guard. He had with him a pig on a leash.

Several of the marines saluted and welcomed him back to Washington.

Near the end of the line one marine sergeant spoke up. "Welcome to Washington, Sir.  Nice pig Sir."

The president stopped and confronted the marine. "That's not a pig sergeant. It's an Arkansas razorback.  I got it for Hillary."

The sergeant replied. "Good trade sir".
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on July 02, 2008, 06:02:17 PM
 A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address. Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed and passed out cold.

The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen.

"My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on July 03, 2008, 11:32:32 AM
Classic! Just told it to friends... ;D

Thanks, John
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 08, 2008, 02:32:06 PM
Kids Are Quick

____________________________________
   
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     

 _________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.   
______________________________________
   
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
   
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
 as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher 

__________________________________


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 09, 2008, 06:18:05 AM







My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,                       
 
'Look at this!  It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant!    It says so on the picture!' 


 
 And so it does...


 


' A f r i c a n  Elephant '


 
Hooked on phonics!    Ain't it wonderful?
 

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 09, 2008, 08:13:17 AM
;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 09, 2008, 11:55:23 AM
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

  1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY
REMOVE ITSELF.

  2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

  3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

  4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR
VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

  5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
SNOOZE BUTTON.

  6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

  7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

  8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

  9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

  DAILY THOUGHT:

  SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on July 09, 2008, 01:31:00 PM
Those are awesome. 

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

One thing I have learned is that if someone shows up to fix something and has either duct tape or wd40 it's a clear sign they don't know what they are doing.

WD40 is a terrible lubricant, it actually can produce rust over the long term.  It's a water displacement compound - not a lubricant.  A better approach might be PB blaster or even LPS.  Duck tape is not even used in duct work unless its the aluminum backed type .. which is not what people think of when you say "duck tape".   It melts in the sun and delaminates.  terrible stuff. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on July 09, 2008, 01:42:50 PM
I don't care much for WD-40 but I subscribe to the theory that you can do almost anything with duct tape.  I offer as proof the duct tape prom dresses. :)
http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp (http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on July 10, 2008, 05:13:04 AM
geez, next you're going to tell me there's no santa claus. :( what am i to believe anymore? ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 10, 2008, 07:16:17 AM
I don't care much for WD-40 but I subscribe to the theory that you can do almost anything with duct tape.  I offer as proof the duct tape prom dresses. :)
http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp (http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp)

I'm impressed... some of those were really elaborate.  I sewed my own prom dresses when I was in school, but they weren't quite as flashy...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on July 10, 2008, 04:37:00 PM
Now that's a good idea.  I think I'll send my daughter to her prom wrapped in duct tape.  And barbed wire.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on July 10, 2008, 04:41:19 PM
Actually there is a $3000 scholarship for the couple with the best Duck Tape Prom outfit.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 10, 2008, 09:26:01 PM
I think it's only appropriate that I bring this up again now.

http://tapesculpture.org/index.html

http://tapesculpture.org/gallery.html
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 11, 2008, 07:14:31 AM
Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the
preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone
with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, 'Bubba, what
you want me to pray about?'
Bubba says, 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing.'
So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's
right ear and his left hand on top of his head and
prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left
finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top
of his head and prays some more.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands
and says, 'Bubba, how's your hearing now?'
 Bubba says, 'I don't know preacher, it ain't til
next Wednesday '
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 11, 2008, 07:39:59 AM
Hmm... wonder if Bubba still had to make a donation? hmm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 16, 2008, 05:53:07 AM
5 Surgeons Five

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operateon are. The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on myoperating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered. The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded. The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are thebest, everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like constructionworkers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, noballs, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 16, 2008, 06:53:29 AM
This is the humor section, John.  You shouldn't be posting facts here. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 17, 2008, 06:27:23 AM
Three things to think about this morning:
 1.  C O W S
>
>         Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during

> the mad
>         cow epidemic our government could track a single
> cow, born in   
>         Canada  almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
> slept in
>         the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their

> stalls.
>         But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
> wandering
>         around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>         2.  T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N
>
>         They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
>    Iraq   .... Why 
>         don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
> really smart
>         guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it

> anymore.
>
>
>         
>

>
>
>
>
>         3.  T H E    1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S
>
>         The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted

> in a
>         courthouse is this:
>         You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
> 'Thou Shalt Not Commit 
>         Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of
> lawyers,
>         judges and politicians...It creates a    hostile
> work  environment.
>
>
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 17, 2008, 06:50:26 AM
Well said.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on July 18, 2008, 06:32:42 AM
A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  See this card?  The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.  No questions asked or answered.  Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.  The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

"Your card!  Your card!  Show him your card!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 18, 2008, 07:57:43 AM
Perfect treatment  for a power trip. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 18, 2008, 09:16:50 AM
love that one! ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on July 19, 2008, 06:43:14 AM
Young Chuck, moved to  Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next
day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the
horse died.'
 
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
 
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
 
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'
 
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
 
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
 
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'
 
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened
with that dead horse?'
 
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'
 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
 
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 
Chuck grew up and works for the government.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on July 19, 2008, 10:22:53 AM
;D I'll have to remember that one!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 22, 2008, 08:48:43 PM
There are three kinds of men;

1.) The ones that learn by reading

2.) The few who learn by observation

3.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on July 23, 2008, 05:04:19 AM
  OUCH!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 23, 2008, 05:31:37 AM
 The Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.? After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on July 23, 2008, 06:25:24 AM
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Floopy.org%2Ftired-dog.jpg&hash=c493baceb532e9afeb529f2303e4460f)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 23, 2008, 07:17:08 AM
Me too!!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on July 23, 2008, 09:37:09 AM
Muldoon, What a great story!  :D
I'm going to send this to a couple of friends.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on July 24, 2008, 07:39:22 AM
Christmas Divorce

 A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son asks. The father says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."  Frantic, he calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 24, 2008, 09:59:00 AM
 rofl rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 24, 2008, 11:13:23 AM
NEVER TICK OFF THE NURSE

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

'Not with a carnation.' 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 29, 2008, 03:44:56 AM
A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 01, 2008, 02:25:15 PM
Shirley & Marcy                     

     A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

    So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

    She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

    As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

    Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

    The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

    'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

    'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

    'Well,' Timmy explained, 'Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'


    May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

    I know you smiled! I sure did.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 01, 2008, 02:45:45 PM
Here's another...

Old George In The Hospital

                                           

George was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we
ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'
Old George had had enough of this particul ar nurse.  One
day, at breakfast, Old George took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.   
Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So . you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a
little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.  'My,
it seems we are a little cloudy today .'
At this, Old George snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run
it through again.  Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted!    Old George just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on August 04, 2008, 04:54:35 PM
At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless.  d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 04, 2008, 05:11:28 PM
How old is your brain?  Check on the link and follow the directions.  You can tell us what your answer is if you what it made public. Now be honest.

Procedure of  Flash Fabrica Game:
>
> 1. Touch 'start'   
>
> 2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.   
>
> 3. Memorize the number's position on the screen, then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number.   
>
> 4. At the end of game, computer will tell you how old your brain is.
>
> Good luck !!


> http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html
>   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 04, 2008, 05:14:27 PM
Oh I forgot.  Mine did actually match my age.  That's all I am saying.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on August 04, 2008, 05:37:10 PM
i'm too scared to play the game. i've had a couple of lemonade and vodkas and it's 10:30 pm. i'll check it out tomorrow.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 04, 2008, 06:02:01 PM
Mines 39 -  I'm almost juvenile.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 04, 2008, 06:07:13 PM
At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless.  d*

What do ya mean?  That's nurse humor...  I could tell you lots more...  heh heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 04, 2008, 06:14:18 PM
well, I kept putting the highest to the lowest at 1st - forgot the rules  ::) got 55, then redid it & got 51 - aw well - at least the 1st time I got a couple years younger than my age - Glenn was pressuring me & making me nervous because he's so immature   c*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 04, 2008, 06:21:41 PM
heh 

At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless.  d*



What do ya mean?  That's nurse humor...  I could tell you lots more...  heh heh

You don't want to hear.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 04, 2008, 06:23:51 PM
...at least I did an honest one try first time posting.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 05, 2008, 09:45:18 AM
Did y'all hear that they were going to make another spinoff of the CSI series?  They were going to call it Arkansas CSI.  But they had to cancel it.  Arkansas doesn't have any dental records and all the DNA is the same.   ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on August 05, 2008, 10:21:29 AM
Its ridiculous to think that an 18 y.o. could actually get that score playing the game... :) Everyone in my family tried it and the lowest we got was 26. Maybe we're just slow...

EDIT: My little sister just made the record w/ 20. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 05, 2008, 10:50:30 AM
ummm... my score was 120....   ???  What's that supposed to mean? d* d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 05, 2008, 10:54:23 AM
never mind... when I actually followed the directions, it was 35...not too far off.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on August 05, 2008, 01:01:11 PM
There were 3 sisters, ages 96, 94, and 92 years of age.

The 96 year old was going to take a bath.  She stuck her toe in the tub and hesitates,  "Was I getting into or out of the bath she hollered. "

Her 94 year old sister was coming up the stairs and stops to listen.  "Was I going upstairs or down she hollered."

The 92 year old was sitting at the table. "Hope I never get that old," she says to herself, "Knock on wood," she said as she tapped the table. She hollered up to her sisters, " I'll be right there to help as soon as I see who is at the door."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 05, 2008, 04:16:31 PM
HG, I was doing it the opposite way, too - kept picking the high to the low, even the 2nd time - bet I could do a lot better now but Glenn told me I would be cheating.  Well, Ernest T Bass, what would you expect from a bunch of home schooled kids???  ;)

gandalfthegrey,  rofl rofl  I don't think I'm quite there yet...   ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 05, 2008, 06:04:12 PM
No, I was clicking ONLY the lowest and then the highest... I sort of missed the part that you were supposed to arrange them in ascending order and instead thought you just had to click from the "lowest" to the "highest" circles... d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 05, 2008, 09:51:02 PM
No wonder you got 120.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 06, 2008, 05:04:58 AM
yep...downright senile!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 06, 2008, 12:08:14 PM
Bessie & Clyde
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
'Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after, a highway patrolman came upon the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took his gun out and shot her, right between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said 'How are you feeling?'
Now, what the hell would you say?'

 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on August 07, 2008, 06:27:43 AM
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.  'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.  'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said.

The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti'.

'Two with meatballs, one without.  Send extra sauce.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on August 07, 2008, 06:31:23 AM
why trampolines are soo dangerous in Texas

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.loopy.org%2Ftramp.jpg&hash=ffae827aec987485f409dcb340bfe709)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 07, 2008, 08:20:34 AM
Great picture! 

Here's a great video "Send Bill O'Reilly Back to School"

http://foxattacks.com/kids/?utm_source=rgemail
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 07, 2008, 09:04:15 AM
Wow - those bucks look very horny. [crz]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on August 07, 2008, 01:10:34 PM
hi muldoon,

  what a great picture. we have alot of deer in michigan but i have never seen them do that.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 08, 2008, 08:01:15 AM
WHITE LIE CAKE  Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.  Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.  When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'  This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.  Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at
9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.  When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.  Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.  The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church membe r and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.  The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!  She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake !'  Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.' 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 12, 2008, 09:37:11 AM


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Install A Home Security System In The South
===================================================

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
  14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
  and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

'Cooter'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 12, 2008, 11:23:08 AM
 rofl rofl  those were both good!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on August 15, 2008, 05:22:13 AM
Love the low cost backwoods security system. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 15, 2008, 12:44:26 PM
What do you call one politician stuck on the moon?
A: Problem
What do you call two politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Problems
What do you call ten politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Big problems
What do you call all politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Problem solved!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 19, 2008, 06:14:52 PM
I got this from my 83 y/o friend - he got it from a blonde friend...

            A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN

            ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

            SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

            TO SEE HER TICKET.


            SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

            CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.


            THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M B LONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

            GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'


            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

            THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

            BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN

            ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



            THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

            EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

            SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


          THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

            GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HER E.'


            THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

            HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

            THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


            THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

            HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'


            HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

            AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES

            BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..


            THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

            ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

            ANY FUSS.

            'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 20, 2008, 06:19:27 AM
That one's great!:D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on August 22, 2008, 08:02:10 AM
Why I Didn't Make the Olympics (http://boortz.com/more/video/why_i_didnt_make_olympics.html)


 link is to a short video
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 22, 2008, 11:09:33 AM
OUCH!  SOME OF THOSE HAD TO HURT!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on August 22, 2008, 02:21:37 PM
yep, that's funny!! ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 25, 2008, 06:03:05 AM
Computer Dependency Test

Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we have become way too dependent on our computers.
 
Q: Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down
































...     .........................  Look down, not scroll down!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 25, 2008, 06:53:35 AM
Crimoney --- that was scary.....




















I better get dressed. [crz]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 25, 2008, 01:47:42 PM
"President Bush is dispatching Vice President Dick Cheney to Georgia, setting up a high-ranking diplomatic mission to an ally reeling from a short, intense war.

The White House announced Monday that Cheney will head abroad on Sept. 2 for stops in Azerbaijan, Georgia, Ukraine and Italy.

The vice president's office described Cheney's trip only in the broadest terms, saying Bush wants his No. 2 to consult with key partners on matters of mutual interest. "


I don't know which is funnier - Bush calling Cheney his No. 2 or Bush thinking his No. 2 can talk.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 25, 2008, 02:06:25 PM
He has to so something to take up his idle time between now and Jan 1 instead of shooting people.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on August 25, 2008, 05:00:46 PM
Does this circus ever end?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 25, 2008, 07:35:02 PM
Sometimes current events are funnier than humor. [crz]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 26, 2008, 10:26:47 AM
I finally found the light switch plates for my cabin.



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Funtitled-switch.jpg&hash=4672719eeaf8c9c96d1b8b896b800f63)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on August 26, 2008, 10:51:01 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi256.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fhh196%2Falianita%2Fcountryplans%2Fcinders.jpg&hash=2bf2396bd8b6a0777d1bcc7b367434d4)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/north_yorkshire/7448006.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/north_yorkshire/7448006.stm)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 26, 2008, 02:34:19 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi256.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fhh196%2Falianita%2Fcountryplans%2Fcinders.jpg&hash=2bf2396bd8b6a0777d1bcc7b367434d4)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/north_yorkshire/7448006.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/north_yorkshire/7448006.stm)

Al, that looks like one happy pig. 

There is a farmer here who has a pet pig they keep in the house -- very clean and covers itself with a blanket when it goes to sleep.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 26, 2008, 02:35:49 PM
I finally found the light switch plates for my cabin.



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Funtitled-switch.jpg&hash=4672719eeaf8c9c96d1b8b896b800f63)

John , I don't know if I'd want to grab hold of that to flick it up and down or not. [crz]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on August 26, 2008, 03:15:42 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.brightok.net%2F%7Ecyscott1-ss%2Fpics%2Fa-nacktes-paerchen-10200876-v02.jpg&hash=2ec953e39a06fa5b5f1ab4d56e8454e4)

Must have been a good party.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 26, 2008, 04:00:51 PM
Ahhhh -- to be able to sleep in in the morning.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 26, 2008, 04:28:13 PM
I couldn't sleep with my shoes on. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 26, 2008, 05:10:02 PM
You got that right --what was he thinking? hmm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on August 27, 2008, 05:16:49 AM


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Funtitled-switch.jpg&hash=4672719eeaf8c9c96d1b8b896b800f63)


"If the light stays on for more than four hours, seek an electrician's attention.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 27, 2008, 10:28:13 AM
 rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on August 28, 2008, 04:51:23 AM
Children's Science Exam

You just have to love these children!!!!
Children's Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on August 28, 2008, 05:35:05 AM
Art Linkletter is rolling in his grave!  rofl rofl rofl

Also, thanks to Drew & Redover for the enlightening graphic! (Would you mind turning that light off for me?)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 28, 2008, 07:07:38 AM
  rofl rofl rofl  thanks for my morning laugh!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on August 28, 2008, 09:41:02 AM
very cute, like art linkletters old show. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on August 28, 2008, 01:19:50 PM

Also, thanks to Drew for the enlightening graphic! (Would you mind turning that light off for me?)

Just think of planning departments and income taxes, John.  It'll go off by itself.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 28, 2008, 01:35:52 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 02, 2008, 11:08:49 AM
                         The Donkey
 
 An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
 
 The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
 
 As they went along they passed some people
 
 who remarked it was a shame the old man
 
 was walking and the boy was riding.
 
 
 The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
 
 so they changed positions.
 
 
 Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
 
 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
 
 
 So they then decided they'd both walk!
 
 Soon they passed some more people who thought
 
 they were stupid to walk when they had a
 
 decent donkey to ride.
 
 So, they both rode the donkey.
 
 
 Now they passed some people
 
 who shamed them by saying how awful to
 
 put such a load on a poor donkey.
 
 
 The boy and man figured they were probably right,
 
 so they decide to carry the donkey.
 
 As they crossed the bridge,
 
 they lost their grip on the animal
 
 and he fell into the river and drowned.
 
 
 The moral of the story?
 
 If you try to please everyone,
 
 you might as well...
 
 Kiss your ass goodbye!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 02, 2008, 11:59:19 AM
...and that's about the way it is.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on September 03, 2008, 01:06:06 PM
First of all, let me say my apologies to Alabamans... I like Alabama, really I do.  We even went on vacation there last year.  My uncle in Texas sent this to me this morning, and I thought it was funny, though!


REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL
> After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
> enough, they could not afford a larger bed.  So the husband
> went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
> didn't want to have any more children.
>   
>  The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> expensive.  "A less costly alternative," said the
> doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (Fireworks
> are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
> hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
>   
>  The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a
> cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
> me."
>   
>  "Trust me," said the doctor.
>   
>  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
> beer can.
>   
>  He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>   
>  1
>   
>  2
>   
>  3
>   
>  4
>   
>  5
>   
>  At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his
> legs and continued counting on the other hand,
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 05, 2008, 11:16:25 AM
WOMEN OVER 40 YEARS OLD

This is sort of humorous in nature but mostly true.  Andy Rooney from CBS recited this on 60 minutes. 


As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! 

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! 


 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on September 05, 2008, 01:22:56 PM
True stuff.  ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 06, 2008, 08:41:33 AM
This just in from Glenn's daughter...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
 
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
 
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
 
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
 
"In case the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on September 06, 2008, 12:09:10 PM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on September 06, 2008, 05:49:32 PM
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

 So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.  This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, because gas prices were so high and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in 08'.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 06, 2008, 07:24:59 PM
 rofl  classic  [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 06, 2008, 07:25:36 PM
Good one... muldoon [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on September 07, 2008, 03:43:03 AM
that's a good one muldoon, made my morning(that and coffee). ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 07, 2008, 10:02:45 AM
This joke is from my cousin in Nebraska...  I cleared it through the "Administrator"

The Brothel ~
 
 
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
'May I help you?' she asked.
 
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
 
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.
 
'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
 
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
 
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
 
The man replied, ' North Carolina '
 
'Really' she said. 'I have family in North Carolina '
 
'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
 
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
 
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 07, 2008, 10:23:56 AM
and here's another that just might help all the guys better understand their wives or the women in their lives...

Public Restrooms


You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!
 
 
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line
of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn ,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
 
 
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.
 
 
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was
one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
 
 
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
 
 
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs
shake more.
 
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the
same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .
 
 
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You
know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could get.'
 
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
 
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.
 
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.
 
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper
 from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
'Here, you just might need this.'
 
 
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
 
 
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so
the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door!
 
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on September 10, 2008, 08:19:41 PM
My  80 year old neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
 
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist says:  'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
 The druggist says:  'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 10, 2008, 08:46:55 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 11, 2008, 03:24:05 PM
Wrong Bitch

 

 

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.  The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

 

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat."

 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.  "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."

 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

 

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

 

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!  Put this American in his place!"

 

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
 



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 15, 2008, 12:31:05 PM
                               
                                    Stutter


A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. 'Human 
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl 
raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, 
knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the 
girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the 
back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got 
a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence 
into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said 
the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, 
Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 16, 2008, 12:35:07 PM
Pay Attention

First-year students at Vet school were receiving their First anatomy class,
with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body.' For example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students. The students freaked out, but eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
 
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough; it's
even tougher if you're stupid.

 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 16, 2008, 07:11:51 PM
:barf
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 17, 2008, 12:03:41 PM

                               Multiply‏

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'


So - if you give her crap,

you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on September 17, 2008, 12:27:41 PM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 18, 2008, 03:07:41 PM
This is a little long but pretty funny.




Chuckle for the Day...



You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully
appreciate this.   

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you? 


COSTELLO:  Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  Your computer?

COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  What about Windows?

COSTELLO:  Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:  I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT:  Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:  No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run

my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:  I just did.

COSTELLO:  You just did what?

ABBOTT:  Recommend something.

COSTELLO:  You recommended something?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  For my office?

ABBOTT:  Yes

COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:  Word

COSTELLO:  What word?

ABBOTT:  Word in Office.

COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:  The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.  What about
financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  That's right.  What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:  What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT:  Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOTT:  One copy.

COSTELLO:  Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:  They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:  Click on 'START'
     
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on September 18, 2008, 03:11:58 PM
a few good ones from my overflowing email box after not checking for a week.. 

Becky was on her death bed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"



One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."




A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees
this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and
says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3
pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big
guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just
give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around."



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 18, 2008, 07:59:37 PM
Ouch.... [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 24, 2008, 01:36:11 PM

MAXINE ON BORDER CONTROL‏

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on September 24, 2008, 01:50:16 PM
 :)

I needed some levity.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 24, 2008, 03:11:17 PM
The Republicrat...   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kQxnut5RVw
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on September 25, 2008, 06:59:11 PM
Why ice fishing sucks

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi133.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq75%2Fdjmillerbucket%2Fvideo-miscellaneous%2Fth_WHYICEFISHINGSUCKS.jpg&hash=1fb8344a6529938fdccb5d98bc62c7ef) (http://s133.photobucket.com/albums/q75/djmillerbucket/video-miscellaneous/?action=view&current=WHYICEFISHINGSUCKS.flv)

Thanks to John (redoverfarm)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on September 26, 2008, 03:29:05 PM
Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper  ;

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
                               

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!     

I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome  ;

because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)

'W I N A B A G E L'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 26, 2008, 10:16:53 PM
Email from my niece.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2FikeATT03743.jpg&hash=3871459eafe443d1c9ea0e1327ca897c)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on September 29, 2008, 07:45:16 PM
 ;D Those are great.

Here's a couple from my second daughter.  She seems to just now be getting to the age to come up with some good ones.  Our pastor's name is Spencer Ledbetter.  The other day, DD(4) was talking about the potluck dinner after church and how "Spencer" had said such-and-such.  My husband, seeing the opportunity to teach her a little about manners, started a little lecture on how she should call him Pastor Spencer, or Pastor Ledbetter because he was a grownup and she is a little girl, and at the very least she should call him "Pastor".  Ev, sat there with her hands on her hips and head cocked to one side and when her daddy finally finished his little speech, she said matter-of-factly, "Well, you can call him pastor or whatever you want, but I call him Spencer. ::)

Then this morning while I was feeding the baby, she hollered from the kitchen, "Mom, what are 'murpeanuts?'"  I had to have her repeat it a couple of times.  I told her I didn't think there was any such thing.  She said, "Yes there is.  It says so right on the can of Planter's peanuts.  On his hat, it says, 'M-R Peanut!!"  (This is what happens when your 4-year-old runs out of reading material... they start reading everything in the pantry.  She also informed me that there was a bag in the pantry that said "dried plums" on it, but all it really was was a bunch of prunes.)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 29, 2008, 08:29:38 PM
Possibly she is of the ...call no man father or pastor belief.  Good for her. :) ::)

Yes -- I'm just trying to cause trouble. heh

I'll probably even catch it from Sassy. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on September 30, 2008, 05:58:33 AM
showed up in my email, thought I would share.  some I agree with, some not. 

> Something to laugh at/with!
>
> Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .
>
>
> 1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
>
> 2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work
> without electricity.
>
> 3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the
> people in line who helped me push it).
>
> 4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in
> their hand.
>
> 5. Cats are even more irritating without power.
>
> 6. He who has the biggest generator wins.
>
> 7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish
> they weren't around you.
>
> 8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.
>
> 9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
>
> 10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.
>
> 11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable
> temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8
> more hours.
>
> 12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.
>
> 13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously
> wrong..
>
> 14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not
> required.
>
> 15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14
> generators.
>
> 16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having
> any idea what the line is for.
>
> 17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well
> but floats just the same.
>
> 18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
>
> 19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the
> battery remains charged.
>
> 20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you,
> and they are quick to point that out!
>
> 21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
>
> 22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be
> rich.
>
> 23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.
>
> 24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing
> hole.
>
> 25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.
>
> 26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states'
> blackout.
>
> 27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30%
> higher electric bill ?????
>
> 28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's
> worthless.
>
> 29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
>
> For those of you in the Hurricane Ike hit areas - ***Hope your power is
> back on!***
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on September 30, 2008, 06:42:46 AM
Possibly she is of the ...call no man father or pastor belief.  Good for her. :) ::)

Yes -- I'm just trying to cause trouble. heh

I'll probably even catch it from Sassy. d*
Yep. Glenn the trouble-maker! 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 30, 2008, 07:36:39 AM
heh 


Our local store raised the price of Ice during the fire.  I think it was a community service to keep people from hoarding.... ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 02, 2008, 02:34:50 PM
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 02, 2008, 08:31:28 PM
heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 03, 2008, 02:15:44 AM
FREE KITTENS Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. 
The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.  It's Senator Obama.   
"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
 "Kittens" Little Mary Pat says.  "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet." 
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. 
"Democrats" says Little Mary Pat. 
 The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.  Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen.  Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. 
 It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens. 
The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..   
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen.  Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat. 
"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."
 
"Yes sir," Mary Pat said, "They are all REPULICAN kittens"  Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Mary Pat says, "Yes, I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 03, 2008, 08:04:43 AM
I dunno, John.  I think they would have had to be little anarchist kittens......
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 03, 2008, 11:57:54 AM
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS  STORIES....       
 Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his  small chair at the table, he looks into  his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been  eating my porridge?!!' he squeaks. 
 
 Papa Bear arrives at the big table and  sits in his big chair. He looks into his  big bowl, and it is also empty. 'Who's  been eating my Porridge?!!' he roars. 
 
 Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,  'How many times do we have to go through  this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear  who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the  dishwasher from last night, and put  everything away, it was Momma Bear who  went out in the cold early morning air  to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled  the cat's water and food dish, and, now  that you've decided to drag your sorry  bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma  Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....
 
 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE @!#$*@! PORRIDGE YET'! 



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 03, 2008, 06:29:53 PM
What kind of an answer is that? hmm

[rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on October 07, 2008, 05:39:38 AM
From todays Albuquerque Journal, a cartoon by John Trevor

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi133.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq75%2Fdjmillerbucket%2Fcartoons%2F1trever10-07-08.gif&hash=19a972cc01e07d26ce285e3be5189e58)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: southernsis on October 08, 2008, 12:20:53 PM
I just received this from a former client.

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,  as
they  could not afford a larger  bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to  10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I  may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see h ow putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the  doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry  bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the  can up to his ear and began to count!



'1'



'2'



'3'



'4'



'5'

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, and Mississippi.





Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 08, 2008, 08:49:10 PM
Boy, am I glad I'm from California.... ow.... heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 09, 2008, 04:48:08 AM
Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis
he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And   if I had all the whiskey in the world,

I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
'For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile, life is too short not to!!

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on October 14, 2008, 08:26:39 AM
Patience & Wisdom

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi133.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq75%2Fdjmillerbucket%2Foddsnends2%2Fpatiencewisdom.jpg&hash=93ac26ede919f8409074f95833d8837c)

One of the greatest secrets to a long, happy life is having both patience and wisdom…

It’s all about knowing when to step forward and when to defer, no matter how much you want something.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on October 14, 2008, 08:35:22 AM
great photo MD!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 14, 2008, 03:49:03 PM
My dogs have not learned that trait yet, Don.  They have been sprayed at least 8 times in the last 6 months. d* 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on October 15, 2008, 06:02:51 AM
that's a smart dog.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 15, 2008, 09:02:23 AM
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
 

She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'

Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on October 20, 2008, 05:19:16 PM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left .

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......


'Bastards won't let me fart.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 20, 2008, 05:38:27 PM
rofl Sassy showed me that one a while back --- the joke --- she wasn't in a wheelchair.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on October 24, 2008, 08:07:55 AM
Just got this one from my cousin in Nebraska...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe In the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent' They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.

'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll
Ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on October 25, 2008, 03:20:47 PM
My uncle sent me this one... don't know if the stories are true or not, but they are pretty funny.

TOP IDIOTS OF 2008 GET THEIR SIGNS

Number 1 Idiot of 2008
 
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008
 
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008
 
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and
wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and
left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008
 
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time a photo of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his
$40.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2008
 
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008
 
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
 
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. He lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008
 
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here, and I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on October 31, 2008, 06:28:05 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi36.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe44%2Fkathykrn%2FScreenShot025.jpg&hash=058ce623b84f7564888c29f363c7aa76)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: southernsis on November 04, 2008, 01:46:41 AM
Here is a link to chicken crossing road    http://www.politicaldisgust.com/2008/08/23/why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on November 04, 2008, 02:01:29 AM
That was cute, Southernsis.  I sent it to a few friends and relatives.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: southernsis on November 04, 2008, 03:18:32 AM
Homegrown, I was on my way to work yesterday and listening to the radio and they were doing this bit about the chicken. I started laughing, lightened my day. Looked up the link to share.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on November 04, 2008, 04:55:30 AM
I love the Top Idiots posts.

I wonder if a "Deer Crossing" sign would work in reverse.  If I put one up will the deer cross the road there? ::)    My bike ride would be a lot safer if I knew where to expect them to be blocking the road.  Nothing like coming round a bend at 40 mph on a bicycle to see the road blocked by 8 or 10 deer.  They never seem to be in my path when I'm going up that same hill at 4  or  5 mph.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 04, 2008, 01:19:11 PM
Go to your local State Farm and ask for a set of "deer whistles"  But you have to maintain 40 MPH for them to work.  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 04, 2008, 01:21:47 PM
Talking of Chickens.

                                               A DRUNK CHICKEN ? 


 Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelmi ng.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the  back of his
head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You s*%t the bed!'

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 04, 2008, 07:24:15 PM
     gottogo
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 04, 2008, 09:30:09 PM
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on November 06, 2008, 12:47:33 PM
Glenn,
Check your email.  I sent you a funny to post if you can figure out how.  I'm not patient enough for that sort of thing I guess.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 06, 2008, 08:46:59 PM
Got it, Homey.

I think I have it on the way here....  ???



MOVING THE BULL-REDNECK STYLE
     

                 

                    Oklahoma livestock hauler.

                     

                     seeing is believing....

                     

                    (and you thought they needed to have a trailer)


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fimage0012.jpg&hash=b9fe52fe185e2489bd968b8596f0048b)

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Git 'er done!
                     
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on November 07, 2008, 06:35:16 AM
thanx glen, i needed that :D i swear to god i could see you in the drivers seat!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on November 07, 2008, 08:29:39 AM
Oops.  Tried to post a link but it didn't work right. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 07, 2008, 04:57:57 PM
thanx glen, i needed that :D i swear to god i could see you in the drivers seat!!!

 rofl rofl  I told Glenn last night that the guy in the driver's seat looked like him when he was younger (he used to wear a cowboy hat...) 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on November 07, 2008, 05:16:31 PM
What's funny about that? Seems completly normal to me.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 07, 2008, 05:23:53 PM
That was Homey's bull--- not mine.... I just posted it for her... [crz] rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 08, 2008, 09:07:39 AM
I received this in an email forward from Sassy.




Caution - this image could be rather shocking....





Redneck Swim Party






(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fredneckswimparty.jpg&hash=03170bade5a05aabd6a27dec4f2e96b9)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on November 08, 2008, 09:32:52 AM
 [shocked]   rofl

And the winner of the Darwin award is...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 08, 2008, 09:56:07 AM
What are the chances it was a staged picture?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 08, 2008, 10:09:58 AM
I also considered that but I have no source to find out.  It looks like it at least should have been staged. It was just included in an email that included other pictures such as the ones below.

I would hope for their sake it was staged, or maybe not for our entertainment and cleaning of the gene pool.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fdreadlocks.jpg&hash=19270bd81cfe3db0ade308c9b01305fc)

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on November 08, 2008, 10:18:12 AM
My wife thinks it was staged too. But I've had customers who didn't know they had pipes in thier walls to deliver the water to their sinks and toilets. So...  ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on November 08, 2008, 07:18:14 PM
It might have been staged, but when we bought our first house, we started pulling up carpet and found an extension cord spliced in two places (once with electrical tape and once with duct tape) running under two layers of carpet from one room clear across the next to where the guy had plugged in his AC window unit! d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 08, 2008, 09:21:14 PM
Was the tape UL approved.... probably not stamped...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on November 09, 2008, 05:21:16 PM
Talking of spliceing...There was some back hoe activity just outsid one of the major buildings at UC Berkeley. This building housed the campuses main computer and network facility.

The enevitable happened and we experienced "back hoe fade" on a major fiber trunk to the internet.

Armed with OTDR's we located the aproximate location of the break,
but when we went out into the street we discovered that all the holes were filed in and paved.

Back come the back hoe operators and dig they did. Finally they discovered the broken cable....only it wasn't broken...it was very neatly spliced back together...each color coded fiber was neatly wire nutted to its corresponding fiber and neatly wrapped with electrical tape.

The electrician chimed in saying that this happens all the time, but we always put things back together. He was very proud of the job he had done.

Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 09, 2008, 05:43:49 PM
I used to work for the phone company.  I don't think that was an approved splice. :)
I did equipment maintenance, operating and cable splicing there.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on November 09, 2008, 07:02:21 PM
We had an 800 pair cable going between two adjacent buildings
for hooking up terminals in instructional labs. Got a call one day
from someone saying that they had mistakenly cut through our cable.

Luckily the labs had long since been upgraded to ethernet and the cable had been abandoned.

The guy was asking whether we needed it to be spliced back together.
I thought it but I'm not really that mean, so I let him off the hook.
Can you imagine splicing an 800 pair cable?

Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 09, 2008, 07:17:55 PM
Nearly.  I spliced about a mile of 600 pair cable - the old paper wrapped type in about 1973.  I probably did about 6 splices.  The boss got a good deal on it - it was a private company.  It was quite a project to dry out if it ever got wet.

Lotsa white beans on that one.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on November 10, 2008, 07:02:41 PM
You've got to be kidding, you used beenies to splice with. Yukk.
I've never used them but I think I saw a picture of a splice boot using
the clips like on 110 blocks except these were for 25 pairs each.
then you snapped them in to some kind of container. I mispoke on the last one, it was an 1800pair cable not an 800 pair, the weird part was that the wire was 26 gauge, not 24.

I am sure glad these are just memories.

Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 10, 2008, 08:02:14 PM
Yeah - they were not the later grease filled ones - these were about an inch long 1/4 wide and covered with white plastic.  They had pointed metal inside and you stick the wires in and smashed them flat with a special pliers.  I also wiped lead sleeves on lead covered cable - aerial - we had lots of it.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 11, 2008, 02:39:32 PM
For those of you that haven't got a turkey yet for Thanksgiving.

http://www.southbank-design.co.uk/turkeyshoot/index.htm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 11, 2008, 02:53:53 PM
Fun! My first time through it...

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi133.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq75%2Fdjmillerbucket%2Foddsnends2%2Fturkeyshoot.jpg&hash=757f9276a15b0b62c5e4bcf2bc929bc5)

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 11, 2008, 03:59:19 PM
Oh I forgot. Mine the first time was 10,320. I try to beat it next time.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 11, 2008, 04:10:28 PM
You're too good John.    ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: harry51 on November 11, 2008, 04:25:00 PM
You guys are good! I didn't even quite break 7000! But it was fun!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on November 11, 2008, 04:36:38 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.loopy.org%2Frecord.jpg&hash=bc9312fa15c3574bfddd299b0c106fa8)

that was fun!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 11, 2008, 05:11:32 PM
11,429 the 2nd go round. Once you pass  that they are more like a cubby of quail.  Need a semi-auto with a big magazine to catch Muldoon.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 13, 2008, 11:31:32 AM
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:   
 
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was   nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his   gloves.   

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.   
 
'No, I don't,' she replied.   
     
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank   of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in   their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them   
into boxes of the right size.'   
     
She didn't crack a smile.   
 
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.   
     
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,   she burst out laughing.   
 
'What's so funny?' he asked   
 
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made !'   
 
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working
   
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 13, 2008, 09:04:20 PM
Toronto Stock Exchange Ad...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da-CCGb_mkY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da-CCGb_mkY)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 16, 2008, 11:30:37 AM
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?



He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'?



The boy replied, 'What turkey?'?



The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?



The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?



The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.?



If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'?



The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'



May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 20, 2008, 10:31:15 AM
    What's Up With Up?

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now. My time is UP.

Don't screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book.   Now I'll shut UP.

By the way: If you are fed UP with me sending you messages like this one, UP YOURS!

Oh...one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?  U P

Jack
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 23, 2008, 08:28:49 PM
How the US-Bailout Works
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said"Sorry son but I have some bad news the donkey died."
 
Chuck: "Well then just give me my money back."
 
Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
 
Chuck: "Ok then just bring me the dead donkey."
 
Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"
 
Chuck: "I'm going to raffle him off."
 
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
 
Chuck: "Sure I can watch me! I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
 
A month later the farmer met up with Chuck.
Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"
 
Chuck: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
 
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
 
Chuck: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
 

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs...and will soon be appointed to Obama's cabinet.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on November 24, 2008, 05:41:55 AM
didn't know i could laugh and cry at the same time sassy. that's a good one.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on November 25, 2008, 09:16:50 AM
This is sort of humorous, sort of strange.  ???

Seen in Mississippi in the parking lot of a Bass Pro store.
The truck belongs to a taxidermist apparently.

Only in Mississippi?











(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi133.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fq75%2Fdjmillerbucket%2Foddsnends2%2FATT00017.jpg&hash=672d9360154de0af973dde57e086e627)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 26, 2008, 10:02:10 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi36.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fe44%2Fkathykrn%2FScreenShot027.jpg&hash=e2e161128a8a1f82cc108e93b7bf494c)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 26, 2008, 12:09:41 PM
 rofl rofl [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 01, 2008, 04:22:05 PM
IMPORTANT MESSAGE
ABOUT GROWING OLD
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V


  Well, CRAP!
Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on December 01, 2008, 07:31:14 PM
Don, it doesn't just happen in Mississippi... had a friend in college from Oklmulgee, Oklahoma who used to take a buck he'd had mounted and stick it's head out his truck window (he had tinted windows dark enough you couldn't really see through them) and drive around town.  Nearly caused a few wrecks.  But gotta admit the one in MS is a step-up from that.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: southernsis on December 09, 2008, 03:04:54 AM
Just found this with some very outdated laws. http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/1215/entry/22462/
 ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 09, 2008, 08:36:15 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 09, 2008, 10:26:31 PM
Niece sent this.

I was barely sitting  down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm  not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I  don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And  the other person says:
'So what are  you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that  point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.' 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I  can when I hear another question: 
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely  end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right  now!!!'

Then I hear the person  say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have  to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering  all my questions!!' 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on December 10, 2008, 12:42:12 PM
My art professor said something funny the other day.  The only guy in the class who noticed it was the man sitting next to me...it took me a while to realize why he was laughing.

It is the end of the semester and our professor decided to showcase some of his art at the request of the students.  Each classroom has a projector that is connected to a computer and a dvd/vcr player.  He showed us VHS footage of one of his "pieces" (artists phrase for their artwork) which was featured at an exhibit. 

After the video he decided to go on the computer and show us another one of his "pieces" and this is exactly what he half mumbled as he was trying to find where it was on the computer.

"Let me show you my piece, if I can get it up"






Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 10, 2008, 10:24:18 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Flutterby on December 11, 2008, 08:16:43 PM
Here's another joke about artists - maybe Sonoran can share it with his art prof.

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

 :o
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 11, 2008, 08:43:08 PM
He obviously should have been working. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on December 15, 2008, 01:25:53 PM
What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-*
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the #### and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 15, 2008, 01:39:41 PM
 rofl rofl rofl  .  The truth is revieled.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: considerations on December 15, 2008, 05:19:27 PM
"The truth is revieled."

Or reviled.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: sparks on December 16, 2008, 10:32:14 AM
I think I'm getting old.

http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/20070301jets.html (http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/20070301jets.html)

Check out the home page, if you have some time to spare.


sparks

sorry, homepage here: http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/index.html (http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/index.html)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 19, 2008, 08:04:48 AM
A friend sent me seasons greetings....

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fmissingelf.jpg&hash=58f8c8266e1a70c9539dcf9753427ff2)



and another.... [waiting]



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fmuchthankssnata.jpg&hash=4dce67ddf4696358a8e53dfbee04165c)




and last but not least....... [burp]






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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on December 19, 2008, 09:32:09 AM
DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well", he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screamed to her brother,

"Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on December 19, 2008, 10:13:49 AM
Just rec'd this from Glenn's daughter...

Judas Asparagus   
 
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire children's Bible.  This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that our children understand  what we are teaching them???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
  In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
 Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
 After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include:  Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
 Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:  Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?'  It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

 Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 19, 2008, 05:20:53 PM
DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well", he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screamed to her brother,

"Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

[rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on December 21, 2008, 08:34:45 PM
"What is going on around here...are gringos falling from the sky?"

CRASH

"Yes, El Guapo."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 22, 2008, 01:50:19 PM
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument


Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank
children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they
have one of  'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and
talk.


Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the
time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer,

IPod, etc.

 
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride
together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.


 
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Sincerely,
Your Friend

 
                                                                (https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi220.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd161%2Fredoverfarm%2Fscenes%2Fcountry%2520plans%2Fspanking.jpg&hash=b94b14c95aeaf81e6539a37f07717e5e)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on December 22, 2008, 01:56:56 PM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on December 22, 2008, 06:23:38 PM
 :) Boy, that form of discipline would get expensive with a family as large as ours...  ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 23, 2008, 11:20:18 AM
                                                  LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.  Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,  have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'


 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on December 23, 2008, 04:29:39 PM
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good litt le hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on December 25, 2008, 08:14:44 AM
I had the strangest dream last night.  (This isn't some story I found on the internet, this is real...fresh in my mind from last night.)

I don't build log homes anymore...but I had a dream that I was back on the job site.  My father-in-law was the contractor and he was gone.  I came into the dream at the point where I knew what my job was even though he hadn't officially told me.  I had my two younger brothers and my step-brother with me. 

I was in a panic because I had two jobs to do and both of them required some experience and my brothers didn't have any.  I was panicked because I wanted to get working but I didn't know how to arrange things and have everyone working.  I could lead one of the jobs but I only needed one other guy to help. That left two guys without any work and I was stressed to death running around the job site trying to find some work that I could have them do.

While I was running around the job site a deer showed up on the site.  It wasn't afraid and it got very close to us.  Here's where it gets shady...for whatever reason that I don't know or can't remember, I had to cut the deers butt hairs.  A pair of scissors appeared in my hand and I started chasing the deer around.  I got one snip and cut off one side of the butt hairs that were sticking out and had to get the other one.  My father-in-law showed back up to the job site.

I was chasing the deer with scissors, two of my brothers were sitting in a ditch talking and I didn't see the third one.  My father-in-law climbed up on the roof to get to work without saying anything. I chased the deer up the side of the house and it jumped onto the rough (through some magical and impossible way).  It was up on the peak and my father-in-law went to chase it off.  It ran down the peak and jumped off from the highest point into some small pine and cedar trees.  But then the deer dissappeared and it was my father-in-law crashing into the trees and falling into branches on the way down.

Well anyways, that's it...I cut some butt hairs off a deer and my father-in-law jumped off a roof. 

Merry Christmas everyone.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on December 25, 2008, 08:30:14 AM
Dreams are fun. Did you have some hard cider last night? Glad it wasen't me that fell off the roof.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 25, 2008, 10:26:26 AM
Cool story about the dog and cat Don.  Seems like our place....

Note to self:  If at Whitlock's and Sonoran shows up with a pair of scissors and a sleepy look in his eyes, and Sassy says, "Come here dear", do not turn my back on Sonoran.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on December 30, 2008, 06:50:57 PM
I had the strangest dream last night.  (This isn't some story I found on the internet, this is real...fresh in my mind from last night.)

I don't build log homes anymore...but I had a dream that I was back on the job site.  My father-in-law was the contractor and he was gone.  I came into the dream at the point where I knew what my job was even though he hadn't officially told me.  I had my two younger brothers and my step-brother with me. 

I was in a panic because I had two jobs to do and both of them required some experience and my brothers didn't have any.  I was panicked because I wanted to get working but I didn't know how to arrange things and have everyone working.  I could lead one of the jobs but I only needed one other guy to help. That left two guys without any work and I was stressed to death running around the job site trying to find some work that I could have them do.

While I was running around the job site a deer showed up on the site.  It wasn't afraid and it got very close to us.  Here's where it gets shady...for whatever reason that I don't know or can't remember, I had to cut the deers butt hairs.  A pair of scissors appeared in my hand and I started chasing the deer around.  I got one snip and cut off one side of the butt hairs that were sticking out and had to get the other one.  My father-in-law showed back up to the job site.

I was chasing the deer with scissors, two of my brothers were sitting in a ditch talking and I didn't see the third one.  My father-in-law climbed up on the roof to get to work without saying anything. I chased the deer up the side of the house and it jumped onto the rough (through some magical and impossible way).  It was up on the peak and my father-in-law went to chase it off.  It ran down the peak and jumped off from the highest point into some small pine and cedar trees.  But then the deer dissappeared and it was my father-in-law crashing into the trees and falling into branches on the way down.

Well anyways, that's it...I cut some butt hairs off a deer and my father-in-law jumped off a roof. 

Merry Christmas everyone.
LOL, that's funnier than some of the jokes and stuff... and it tops the one my husband had last week about being in a panic because he was supposed to be at a job interview (in the dream, of course) and couldn't figure out how to dial his cell phone even though he was looking right at it in the dream... he was standing in front of the building where the interview was to take place, but he was lost, and he couldn't dial the right number even though he was looking at it.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 03, 2009, 02:51:14 PM
Was this already posted here?

"Why are you late?" the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my dad. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'
Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting worst fears.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat, and last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
' Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!'
He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!
'Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 07, 2009, 09:23:45 AM
Actually recommended for me by Youtube...

Jensen Tips

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGfkmwqR74Y&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div

Warning - Fart humor

If you like you can pretend you are above watching it... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 09, 2009, 04:10:31 PM
Do you know why the British don’t build computers?



They haven’t figured out how to make them leak oil…



You need to own an old British motorcycle to fully understand that joke.  d* d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Squirl on January 09, 2009, 04:21:12 PM
 [rofl2]

Or car.  I have had many of both!

 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 09, 2009, 04:31:15 PM
I was helping a friend move an old Norton Atlas when I remembered hearing that gem some time ago.


I made the last British bike I had leak free with the liberal use of RTV silicone sealant.   :D

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: diyfrank on January 09, 2009, 05:09:39 PM
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: diyfrank on January 09, 2009, 05:14:24 PM
HER DIARY:

Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him

if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.   



HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on January 09, 2009, 05:29:56 PM
A study at the University of Missouri shows the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she’s at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she’s attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she’s menstruating or menopausal, she’s more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors jammed in his temple and a bat shoved up his ar$e while he’s on fire.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 12, 2009, 03:31:02 AM
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check undernea th. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 12, 2009, 09:36:10 AM
Some funny postings, ya'll  [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 13, 2009, 11:33:32 AM
Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens...

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
 
 





Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on January 13, 2009, 07:33:06 PM
I'm starting back up with college classes. Today was the first day for my Political Science course. Here's a quote from the syllabus:

"Plagiarism is the act of plagiarizing."   

Now I clearly understand what plagiarism is!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 13, 2009, 07:53:38 PM
 Sonoran you impling that I copied someone else joke. Your right I did. ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on January 13, 2009, 08:41:59 PM
No Red, I wasn't implying that.  I just find it humorous because it doesn't explain what plagiarism is.

It's like saying:

Yelling is the act of yelling.  If you don't know what yelling means...you won't know what the act of yelling means...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 15, 2009, 05:43:06 AM
DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?????????

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.  WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.  BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!  HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.  THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" " I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
 

 

 

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 15, 2009, 09:11:04 AM
Hey John.... this is what Sonoran was talking about --- YOU ARE YELLING...... rofl

Wonder if they used a handful of leaves..... hmm  [waiting]
Title: Where Madoff gets his investment ideas
Post by: John Raabe on January 16, 2009, 12:34:48 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fponzi.jpg&hash=8951f5f25bd7eb0593634e6b959e900c)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 16, 2009, 06:56:44 PM
Lessons In Life

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 16, 2009, 06:57:32 PM
Lessons In Life 2

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 16, 2009, 06:58:25 PM
Lessons In Life 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 16, 2009, 06:59:57 PM
Lessons In Life 4

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on January 16, 2009, 10:24:41 PM
MountainDon...Good ones! The full of wisdom... c*
The man comments...I was just thinking today about how men  d* are from Mars and women from Venus [rofl2] ...That hilarious. We're from a different galaxy all together! Somehow it works..and it's WORK!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: harry51 on January 20, 2009, 08:17:31 AM
Humor on the economy from Fred Thompson:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IrR3o7x1ps
Title: Humor
Post by: firefox on January 20, 2009, 09:31:32 AM

New Dewalt Nail Gun

The new nail gun, made by Dewalt can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold drink. When she has the board in the right place just fire away.. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else.

Not sure if this is new, but does sound good if you are a good shot...
 ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on January 23, 2009, 12:40:56 PM
SUNDAY CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
 
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way
So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.  They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:


'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on January 23, 2009, 06:14:17 PM
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: diyfrank on January 23, 2009, 07:06:52 PM
From the wife..


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s*!t."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 24, 2009, 05:29:22 AM
SUNDAY PAPER



 For all of us who are  seniors - for all of you who know  seniors - and for all of you who will be  seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it  when you are!

And, speaking of  senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY  paper?!" The irate customer calling the  newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to  know where her Sunday edition  was.

"Madam", said the  newspaper employee,   "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on  SUNDAY".

There was quite a  long pause on the other end of the phone,  followed by a ray of recognition as she was  heard to mutter,   
 
 
 
 "Well, shit.... so that's  why no one was at church today".
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 24, 2009, 11:14:18 AM
Sent by a friend

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fgunsign.jpg&hash=4a87d550afcd679bfe3f1915ae39e4b4)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on January 25, 2009, 11:59:55 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on January 28, 2009, 10:07:44 AM
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela’s associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?”

He replies,” Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on January 28, 2009, 10:53:40 AM
My mom didn't have to go to work today because she couldn't get out of her driveway because of the ice.  So, she called me a little while ago to read "Dear Abby" out of the paper to me because she thought it was funny.  Seems a while back, some girls wrote in to Dear Abby complaining that their mom didn't want them wearing thong underwear, so she asked her readers what they thought.  One letter caught mom's attention.  The lady said that when she was a newlywed, her husband gave her some money and told her to go buy "thongs".  The only thongs she knew of were flip-flop sandals, so she went and bought a pair of bright red ones.  She was surprised when her husband asked her to model them, but did it anyway.  She wrote that the look on her husband's face was priceless.  After he explained, she realized that she HAD seen thong underwear before, but had always assumed that they were "jock straps for transvestites"!  (At this point in mom's reading, I choked and almost blew popcorn out my nose.)  Anyway, the woman signed it, "Thongs are Wrong".     ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 28, 2009, 09:08:03 PM
[rofl2] Those were fuuuunnnny :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 30, 2009, 07:24:01 AM
got e-mail again - probably everyone got it? 



"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

    "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
    "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    "Q. Where will the government get this money?
    "A. From taxpayers.

    "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
    "A. Only a smidgen.

    "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
    "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    "A.  Shut up."


    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

    If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

    If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

    If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

    If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).


    If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

    If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

    And none of it will help the American economy.

    We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or  tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on January 30, 2009, 11:36:01 AM
So when I buy a TV at bestbuy, no American's get any money? 
What about a Japanese car?
Let's think about this...Japanese cars are made in America.  They need a factory.  Who gets the money for building that?  Who makes the materials to build the factory, and later the cars in the factory?  Who works at the factory?

"Since the first Honda plant sprouted in Ohio in 1982, foreign auto makers have dotted the American landscape with 10 auto assembly plants and scores of parts plants. "America is the No. 1 auto-producing nation again because the international auto makers have come here," says Philip Hutchinson, executive director of the foreign auto makers trade group.

Moreover, the foreign carmakers have become a significant part of the overall U.S. economy. The study found that foreign auto factories in the U.S. have created 1.3 million jobs and $50 billion in annual compensation. That amounts to 1% of total U.S. private-sector jobs and 1.3% of private-sector compensation. Says Cole: "Those who make policy in our country should not underestimate how important this industry is to our economy." Indeed, the transplants have taken root."

 http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/mar1998/nf80330a.htm



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 30, 2009, 02:03:46 PM
I think it's mostly American things that aren't made in America, Sonoran.

As soon as they finalize our third world country status and we will work for minimum wage the jobs that aren't cheaper to do overseas will be back here.

The big business - CEO's are more concerned about the world economy than they are about American jobs as most of them are global. 

I think they rather exaggerated the e-mail for the humor aspect. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on January 30, 2009, 02:46:32 PM
Foreign owned companies with manufacturing facilities in the USA may not be as beneficial to the US economy as if the manufacturing facility was wholy owned by an American firm.

The reason being that the accountants can play funny games. Some companies have been caught at it. Many years ago when there were VCR's still being made/assembles in the USA (yes, I'm that old) some of the parts used came from Japanese factories. The prices on some of those were being inflated in the books. That reduced the amount of corporate tax being paid in the US. It allowed more money to go to Japan.

Not all the parts that go into a USA or Canadian manufactured Honda originate within the USA. Some come from Japan' I forget which ones in our Civic are Japanese. So it would be possible to play games. I have no idea if they, or anyone else does, just pointing out it's possible.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 31, 2009, 09:47:24 AM
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 31, 2009, 09:02:30 PM
A humorous little video about the California Tax situation - sent to me by one of my septic money grab activist friends...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8btItth-9fM

Now if only it was not true - it could be funny...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on February 04, 2009, 08:54:43 AM
I was applying for jobs yesterday evening.  I saw a man walking through the parking lot as I was stepping out of my car.  He started walking towards me and asked me for money when he got close. Said he was trying to put together a meal.

I said..."you know what I'm doing...I'm applying for jobs right now."   Even after I said this, he still asked for a little change.  I still refused.

First of all...what part of, I don't have a job therefore I'm in no condition to lend money did I not portray in my statement.  Second,  I don't have money, therefore I am applying for a job!

I was afraid it may have come off wrong, like I'm slamming him for not getting a job. My wife said it didn't.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 09, 2009, 06:59:44 AM
A craigslist posting someone found and linked.  To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)  Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org  Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST  I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.  I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?  I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.  So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.  If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!  Alex
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 09, 2009, 08:11:52 AM
Cool rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 12, 2009, 03:53:00 PM
The Decision.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 13, 2009, 12:56:46 PM
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.


A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials
for his home. She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
Straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would
have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 15, 2009, 07:41:57 AM
email again ...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
 
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.. Hence the enormous smile."
 
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
 
" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
 
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
 
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
 
"Thought she was having her picture taken."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 17, 2009, 09:09:11 AM
An atheist was walking through the woods. 
'What majestic trees'! 
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even
closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right
paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came
out of the sky.  'You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer'? 

The atheist looked directly into the light,
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you
to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw
brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
 bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 18, 2009, 04:11:38 PM
The Zipper 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to disc over that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of t he bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on February 19, 2009, 08:27:33 AM
The love story of Ralph and Edna.                     
                                                                                           
 Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to.....doesn't  mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.     
                                                                                           
 He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.           
                                                                                           
  Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.                 
                                                                                           
  When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.                               
                                                                                           
  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'   

                                                                                 
  Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

 

      How soon can I go home?'       
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on February 20, 2009, 07:19:30 PM
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater...............
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 20, 2009, 07:33:41 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 21, 2009, 12:43:45 PM
. Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
 
Dear Sir:
 
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
 
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
 
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
 
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING , PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will   be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention  of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..
 
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
 
Your Humble Client
 
 
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS!!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off
 
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Terry on February 23, 2009, 04:21:34 AM
E-mail I received.....

The Dead  Horse
>
>
> Young  Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
>
> The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have
some bad news... the horse died."
>
> Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
>
> The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
>
> Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
>
> The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
>
> Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
>
> The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
>
> Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me..  I just won't tell anybody
he's dead."
>
> A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened
with that dead horse?"
>
> Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $998."
>
> The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
>
> Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
>
> Chuck grew up and now works for the government.  He's the one who
figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on February 23, 2009, 05:34:46 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranchhand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hiredhand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by
the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra. Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Terry on February 23, 2009, 08:06:00 AM
Oh, that was a good one, muldoon.  rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 23, 2009, 05:15:01 PM
Be careful using those cell phones!
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/389708/cell_phones_cause_accidents/    ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 23, 2009, 05:31:22 PM
Fart Football
 
  An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
 
  His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'  The
old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
 
  A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown,
tie score.'
 
  After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says,  'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
 
 
  Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
 
  Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
 
  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and, accidentally poops in the bed.
 
  The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
 
  The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on February 23, 2009, 05:50:56 PM
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on February 25, 2009, 08:27:38 AM
All I Need is a Miracle

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a
genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing,
low wages in third-world countries and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been
trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with
my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, rich, super
handsome, a great lover and is completely faithful and won't
even think about another woman. That's what I wish for. A good
mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,

"Let me see that map again."

Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 25, 2009, 04:00:57 PM
Rasing Chickens


An Urbanite relocated to rural America.  When he visited a farmer which was a neighbor the farmer stated that he raises chickens for a living.  The city slicker got the idea that he too could make a living off of raising chickens and asked the farmer to sell him some chickens to get started.  The farmer sold the slicker 100 chickens.

After a week had passed the farmer met the slicker in town and asked him how his chickens were doing and the slicker said they all died.  Stunned the farmer thought that he had sold him so ill chickens and agreed to give him 100 more for his trouble.

After another week the farmer again met the slicker and inquired about his chickens.  To his dismay the slicker said that all of them died as well.  Stunned the farmer asked the slicker what he was doing to kill the chickens.

The slicker said I am not sure how they are dieing.  I am either planting them too deep or too close together.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Drew on February 25, 2009, 04:59:04 PM
I had the same problem.  More compost.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on February 27, 2009, 08:03:18 AM
Auntie Sharon

    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
    parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
    stories.

    Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
    One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
    of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
    broken.

    'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

    'Very good,' said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
    But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
    but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
    story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

    'That was a fine story Sarah.'

    Michael, do you have a story to share?'

    'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
    was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
    whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
    landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
    bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
    broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your
    daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

    'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on February 27, 2009, 08:42:14 AM
THE FORBIDDEN Saturday Night Live SKIT


It really zings everyone!

THE FORBIDDEN Saturday Night Live SKIT
 
Here it is, but stopped by administration from airing?
SNL did a "Bailout" skit, which has created some
rather awkward problems for NBC. They spiked the
video and tried to shut it down on the Internet.
But aha, there's still some sites that have it.
 
http://msunderestimated.com/SNLBailoutSkit.wmv
 
Very startling to see Saturday Night Live absolutely
nail the history and culprits of the Big Bailout.
No wonder the powers at NBC pulled the skit.
Through impersonations they present stark truth,
perhaps one of the most surprising presentations
almost allowed on NBC.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: apaknad on February 27, 2009, 08:59:19 AM
got me on that one. gave me quite a chuckle
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 27, 2009, 09:12:19 AM
Yeah, it'd be really funny if it wasn't so true!   d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Squirl on February 27, 2009, 12:21:13 PM
I remember watching this that night.  The reason they pulled this was because of the Herbert and Marion Sandler reference. They were afraid of the litigation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Sandler
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 04, 2009, 10:07:18 AM
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
     
         
     
      The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
     
             
      And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
     
      'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
     
      children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
     
           
      And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
     
      tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but
     
      they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
     
            
      And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
     
      home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
     
      and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
     
      car.
     
         
      I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
     
      told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
     
            
      So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
     
      made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
     
      you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
     
            
      Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
     
      was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
     
      threw them away.
     
           
      Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
     
      that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
     
      not the "in" name this year.
     
           
      I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
     
      you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
     
            
      I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
     
      wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
     
      expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
     
      same.'
     
            
      The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
     
      my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
     
      to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything
     
      else that your wife doesn't use?'     

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on March 05, 2009, 02:32:15 PM


        > Subject: My dear bank
        > Date: Tue, 3 Mar 2009 12:55:55 -0500
        >
        >
        > Subject: Letter to the Bank...
        >
        > Dear Sirs,
        >
        > In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my
        > checks is returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me
        > or to you?
        >
        > Sincerely
        >
        >



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 06, 2009, 03:22:10 PM
Got to love kids !

 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the child began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss, sssss, sssss,' and before she could say 'shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 07, 2009, 10:25:01 AM
   Email funnies

 1) I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
     

        * Internal Revenue  'Service'
        * U.S. Postal  'Service'
        * Telephone 'Service'
        * Cable TV 'Service'
        * State, City, County & Public 'Service'
        * Customer 'Service'

     
    This is NOT what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing. Now you are as enlightened as I am.
     

    2) New Denny's Breakfast
     
    In honor of Nadia Suleman, the mother of the octuplets (and 6 others by same method), Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
     
    The In-Vitro Slam
     
    You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the person next to you has to pay the bill.
     
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on March 07, 2009, 10:33:38 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 07, 2009, 06:51:20 PM
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize… you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 07, 2009, 07:13:14 PM
 rofl [rofl2]  I thought about DH & his Blackberry phone with all the songs he's downloaded  rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 07, 2009, 07:14:11 PM
pfffft..... moi?  .... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on March 11, 2009, 08:52:44 AM
 
    New Denny's Breakfast
     
    In honor of Nadia Suleman, the mother of the octuplets (and 6 others by same method), Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
     
    The In-Vitro Slam
     
    You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the person next to you has to pay the bill.
     

That's awesome!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 11, 2009, 12:34:44 PM
For your amusement



CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOR.

Yes it does. Whoever made this up needs to be shot!
 


http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 11, 2009, 07:31:46 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fmotorman.jpg&hash=fe58cb7f412887c5a7c4fa06ce9cf1cc)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 11, 2009, 07:38:26 PM
For your amusement



CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOR.

Yes it does. Whoever made this up needs to be shot!
 


http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm


yes they do!   d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 12, 2009, 04:45:48 AM
That news article is hilarious!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 12, 2009, 12:44:14 PM
 A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating
 their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
 Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
 table.


 She said, "For being such an exemplary married
 couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."


 The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around
 the world with my darling husband."


 The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
 tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


 The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is
 all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
 
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
 30 years younger than  me."


 The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but
 a wish is a   wish.


 So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the
 husband became 92 years old.


 The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
 bastards should  remember fairies are female.....

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 12, 2009, 09:18:07 PM
This might have appeared here before, but, (1) I don't feel like doing a search. (2) I came across it tonight on Boortz and it struck my funny bone. (3) it is funny, IMO.



Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be  found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,  raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You  have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL  DOWN:

                         Democrat's Answer

Well,  that's not enough information to answer the  question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to  attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


                     Republican's Answer



                               BANG!




                          Redneck's  Answer

                BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
                             BANG! BANG! BANG!
                                         BANG !

                       Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

                  BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG! BANG!
                                           BANG!
                         BANG! BANG!
                         BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were  those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on March 13, 2009, 08:54:29 AM

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?

 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on March 13, 2009, 09:23:20 AM
Sounds like Boortz joke

He rarely gets anything right

I thought he promised to quit radio if there were no WMD found in Iraq


Kimbers have  7 round capacity magazines
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 13, 2009, 02:48:23 PM
This one is dedicated to Mountain Don.

Did you hear about the New Mexico  teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em. "

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 13, 2009, 04:10:40 PM
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on March 13, 2009, 04:54:22 PM
 [rofl2]

During the years I had my studio, I photographed my share of small children.  Most were well behaved, but there were the other kind.  I have been known to comment that I was running a special this week..  small children wrapped in duct tape.
 ;D

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fconneelystudio.com%2Fchildren%2Fdorian_lg.jpg&hash=df6c18b80b8f4a6b8ec8b868012bd417)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 13, 2009, 05:22:28 PM
Nice Photo John.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 13, 2009, 05:25:23 PM
Masterful. Can't even see the duct tape.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John_C on March 14, 2009, 04:32:24 AM
Thanks.  That's their decoy look.  It lulls you into getting closer, within range of their projectile vomiting.

The Moms often don't want to have to feed them at the studio.  They stuff them like a Thanksgiving turkey just before the session.  Sometimes it doesn't end well.

Seriously, one Christmas season I was bringing two or three changes of clothes each day.  After Christmas I was glad to get some commercial work.  I had a gig photographing the handling and disposal of mildly toxic waste.  At the time it seemed like a step up.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 14, 2009, 05:20:35 AM
Route 22


A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 16, 2009, 05:42:10 AM
Here is something the guys will be interested in I think.






These are unbelievable..... [waiting]






How could they really be that huge? [noidea'








(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fbiggestboobs.jpg&hash=f71ef96fe1de02003a59381597f37ee2)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on March 16, 2009, 07:40:56 AM
A love story in 3 pictures

It often starts with a wistful look



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi55.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg135%2FCrockette%2FCAU7AZU1.jpg&hash=9f141e0395d7552ca3cac3c95bace984)


Then the first tender kiss




(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi55.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg135%2FCrockette%2FATT00064.jpg&hash=836081dc10ebf2e7fa8a4d4dd5acd4c8)




But sadly sometimes things don't work out




(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi55.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg135%2FCrockette%2FATT00067.jpg&hash=6e23ee52ce0242c0c2392c0a69e0b579)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 17, 2009, 01:30:48 PM
 Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than  me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it.

Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating? Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by theCapitol.Same here. Hmm.

How do you catch them? Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock  The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em! Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit Out of a Politician, there's nothingleft but an asshole and a briefcase
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 17, 2009, 08:30:21 PM
Funny but pretty well true.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 18, 2009, 06:23:36 PM
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!!


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fhillbilly.jpg&hash=a68c5144c2e1f0c11d34e5b4b8ee4705)


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. 
   
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough, and, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on March 19, 2009, 03:07:20 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 23, 2009, 04:42:30 PM
The creation of West Virginia
******************************************

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael
The archangel found him, resting on the seventh
Day. He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
Pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Michael,
Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
Great place of balance.'

'Balance?', inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
Opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going
To be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
Spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
People and over there is a continent of black people,'

God continued, pointing to different countries. 'This
One will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
Be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed
To a large land mass and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That's WEST VIRGINIA , the most glorious
place
On earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets. Mountains, forests,
Wild animals,
And rolling hills. The people from WEST VIRGINIA are going to
Be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going
To be found traveling the world. They will be
Extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving,
And they will be known throughout the world as
Diplomats and carriers of peace.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
Proclaimed, 'What about balance, God?' 'You said there
Would be balance!'
God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the idiots I'm
Putting around them in Ohio , Virginia , Kentucky ,
Maryland and Pennsylvania .

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on March 23, 2009, 06:53:44 PM
This is really funny... "Things you don't say to your wife", sung to the tune of Green Day's "Time of Your Life" by Tim Hawkins. I posted a different vid of his in the music thread.. His stuff is a riot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK2OakMoW_c&feature=PlayList&p=9584B7856E3940ED&index=0&playnext=1
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 24, 2009, 06:26:07 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fgrandmacourt.jpg&hash=09fd35f139dae3583b958ff42e27e7dd)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 24, 2009, 06:33:23 AM
Absolutely classic!  ;D ;D ;D

Thanks for making my morning.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on March 24, 2009, 06:50:11 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 24, 2009, 08:42:00 AM
Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'l l hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'

----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: considerations on March 25, 2009, 07:46:32 PM
This one just made me laugh  :)

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/Trucking_Duck_All__National_.html
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 25, 2009, 08:01:46 PM
:)  Pretty funny.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 29, 2009, 05:42:36 PM
HOW TO CALL
> THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
> AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
>
> George
> Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian,
> Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told
> him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
> which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
> the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
> were people in the shed stealing things.
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
> house?"
> He said "No," but some people are breaking into
> my garden shed and stealing from me.
>
> Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.
> You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when
> one is available."
>
> George said, "Okay."
>
> He hung
>  up the phone and counted to 30.
> Then he phoned the police again.
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
> there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
> don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
> them." and he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes, six Police
> Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a
> Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>
> One of the Policemen said to George, "I
> thought you said that you'd shot them!"
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
> available!"
>
> (True Story) I LOVE IT!
> Don't mess with old people.
>
> Live well, laugh often, love much!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 29, 2009, 05:45:20 PM
Octomom - $1000,000 video clip released....

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fth_Nadya_Suleman_Giving_Birth.jpg&hash=09ad8e523a71cadc485c999bd85d662c) (http://s35.photobucket.com/albums/d184/glennkangiser/?action=view&current=Nadya_Suleman_Giving_Birth.flv)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on March 30, 2009, 08:23:45 AM
Grandma's letter...

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window,   ' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 30, 2009, 08:43:05 PM
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. 

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir." 

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on March 31, 2009, 10:32:37 AM

        HONEYMOON SURPRISE

        A  young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

        "I had tolio as a child," he answered.
        "You mean polio?" she asked.
        "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

        When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
        "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
        "You mean measles?" she asked.
        "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
        The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

        As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
        "Don't tell me," she said.
        "Let me guess...




       ???             
         
        |
        V
         
         
         




        Smallcox?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on April 01, 2009, 11:32:48 AM
The old priest lay dying in the hospital.  For years he had faithfully served the people of the Nation's capital.   He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

 
"I would really like to see Harry Reid andNancy Pelosi before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

 
The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.  Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.  As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.  "Nancy couldn't help but agree.
 

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy’s hand in his right hand and Harry’s hand in his left.  There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
 

Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."  The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on April 01, 2009, 03:55:35 PM
Google is having fun with April Fools Day  d* :D :D

Here's their new "Autopilot" feature: http://mail.google.com/mail/help/autopilot/index.html
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 01, 2009, 04:15:07 PM
 rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 15, 2009, 08:01:56 PM
Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
 
 
 
The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?"
 
The parrot says, " Kenya ..... they're all over the place!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 17, 2009, 06:12:17 PM
IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO   

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.   

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.   

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'   

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'   

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.   

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.   
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'   

The other answered,   
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'   

MORAL OF THE STORY -   

Not all Irish are drunks,   
not all blondes are dumb,   
but all men...are men.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 21, 2009, 02:46:42 PM
Hillbilly vasectomy‏


After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 

'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country)  light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor,   

'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1' 

'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


( you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia,  and West Virginia.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 21, 2009, 07:18:06 PM
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.



 
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on April 22, 2009, 09:25:50 AM
And here is yet another example....

     Don't Talk to My Parrot


           Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
 "I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.  Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you . . . "

" . . . but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstan=

ces, talk to my parrot!"


           The bird spent the next two hours yelling, cursing and making loud noises.

            Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,



"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied,



"Get him, Spike!"


See--men just don't listen!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on April 24, 2009, 06:01:35 PM
Louis CK on "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 25, 2009, 05:00:09 AM
Thanks Don, that was hilarious.  I remember when I was growing up we only had a rotary dial phone... in fact, my mom still has it and still uses it.  But we had the fancy one with the loooonng cord that you could almost get across the kitchen with, and it would get tangled or knock stuff off the table. ;D  My grandma had a bright orange one (still the same phone she uses in her bedroom now) that sat just inside the kitchen door, and there was a step-stool there that you could sit on if the conversation got long-winded because the cord was only about two feet long.  I was so fast at dialing my favorite cousin (and then you didn't have to dial a prefix, just the last four numbers) that I could tell by how long it took for the dial to get back around if I'd misdialed.  My cousins were on a party line, which I thought was great fun when I'd go visit them.  We'd pick up the phone and listen in on other people's conversations. heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on April 26, 2009, 03:29:58 PM
Louis CK on "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded)

Thanks Don, that was great!   rofl  really puts things in perspective, doesn't he? 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 01, 2009, 04:33:51 PM
Just got this from Harry51

Terrorist Goes to Heaven

It was announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 06, 2009, 02:54:30 PM
PONDERISMS


·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

·      Life is sexually transmitted.

·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

·      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

·      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

·      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

·      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'


·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

·      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

·      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on May 10, 2009, 06:56:22 AM
Actual add from our Mariposa Freecycle adds.

"I just pulled out out old dishwasher Kenmoore Ultra wash II it needs a
timer. Come and get it we are near bootjack. If you recently moved
here you definitely need it in your front yard so you look local"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on May 11, 2009, 08:50:20 AM
That's funny Glenn. It reminds me of an add I saw in the help wanted/ job listings.

"12 hard workers needed to replace the 12 that weren't."  Call Mr. ????
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on May 11, 2009, 04:57:52 PM
One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the banker said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the banker replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!
“Bring them all, as well,” the banker answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The banker replied, “Glad to do it.
“You’ll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.”
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on May 12, 2009, 09:47:03 PM
The Commanding Officer of a Squadron in the U. S. Air Force was about to
start the morning briefing to his Staff and Flight Commanders. While
waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose
a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit
frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound
sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how
much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded
with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation
at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the airman
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no
hesitation, the young airman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, Sir, began the airman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Enlisted!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on May 17, 2009, 07:23:24 PM
Sorry if it's a repeat. I'm only current on the past 5 humor pages.

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a seat belt.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sonoran on May 17, 2009, 07:38:04 PM
"Here kitty kitty kitty"



(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi617.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Ftt251%2Fsonoran86%2F2403154561_c20bd686a8.jpg&hash=c0924396d87944bde2c7f27a03819357)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: diyfrank on May 18, 2009, 03:18:18 AM
Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. ... When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on May 18, 2009, 06:06:05 PM
     LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....
     
     As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned
     myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President,
     and that our taxes, and
     government fees will increase in a big way.
     To compensate for these increases, our
     prices would have to increase by about 10%.
     Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
     the dismal state of the economy,
     we will have to lay off six of our employees
     instead. This has really
     been bothering me, since I believe we are family here
     and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
     
     So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
     lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on
     our employees' cars and have decided these folks will
     be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way
     to approach this problem. They voted for change;I gave it to them.

     I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on May 19, 2009, 04:59:03 PM
Oooh, that kind of discrimination would get you in big trouble nowadays, as fun as a story like that is to imagine! ;)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 20, 2009, 11:53:15 AM
Sounds fair enough to me - the boss gave em what they wanted - change  c*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 28, 2009, 07:27:43 PM
Did you hear about the new Obama postage stamps?  Seems that they weren't sticking to the envelopes, so the White House ordered a full investigation into what had happened to them.  After a lengthy investigation and 1.75 million dollars of taxpayer money, the investigators determined that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the stamps.  People were just spitting on the wrong side.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 01, 2009, 04:24:44 PM
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Just so someone doesn't get the wrong idea they are referring to the Rooster ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on June 01, 2009, 06:05:23 PM
build a banker a fire and keep him warm for the night.
set a banker on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 11, 2009, 12:22:38 PM
Blonde Mortician‏


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatev er this cost, I'm very satisfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you le ft yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)   

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on June 11, 2009, 02:10:03 PM
That was sick but funny!   ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on June 12, 2009, 10:45:44 AM
Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant? Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on June 12, 2009, 06:19:38 PM
 rofl [rofl2]   n*  You are naughty!   heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 21, 2009, 07:51:41 PM
Gooood one. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 26, 2009, 06:58:12 AM
My Next Life by Woody  Allen

In  my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead  and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension and then, when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol and are generally promiscuous and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born; and then you spend your last 9 months floating  in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then... Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my  case.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 26, 2009, 03:51:23 PM
Where do I sign up, John? hmm :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on June 26, 2009, 04:56:25 PM
It might not be as rosy as you imagine - think about a trip to the bathroom....  :o
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Phssthpok on June 26, 2009, 07:47:24 PM
OK...I have a few favorite flash animations I'd like to share, but was kinda hesitant as they're kinda borderline for 'mixed company' acceptability.

However, having read the text of some preceding jokes, I'm fair certain that we're all (more or less) adults here and can deal with some innuendo and an off color word or two in the intrest of a funny.

For the ex Dungeons and Dragons nerds:

Summoner geeks (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/80233/summoner_geeks/)

Always the first to die (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yXAEzp6W-U)

For the cow lovers:

I'm a cow (http://www.riddleme.com/html/cow2.html)

Cows with guns (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI)

And of course, Every one knows that The Internet is for Porn (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhTxRssxfuI)! (not as bad as it sounds, but the closest to the borderline)



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 26, 2009, 08:01:20 PM
It might not be as rosy as you imagine - think about a trip to the bathroom....  :o

Wait a minute there.... I don't even want to think about the timing of this trip.... wherever it came up, it probably wouldn't be good... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 26, 2009, 08:10:12 PM
OK...I have a few favorite flash animations I'd like to share, but was kinda hesitant as they're kinda borderline for 'mixed company' acceptability.

However, having read the text of some preceding jokes, I'm fair certain that we're all (more or less) adults here and can deal with some innuendo and an off color word or two in the intrest of a funny.

For the ex Dungeons and Dragons nerds:

Summoner geeks (http://www.metacafe.com/watch/80233/summoner_geeks/)

Always the first to die (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yXAEzp6W-U)

For the cow lovers:

I'm a cow (http://www.riddleme.com/html/cow2.html)

Cows with guns (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI)

And of course, Every one knows that The Internet is for Porn (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhTxRssxfuI)! (not as bad as it sounds, but the closest to the borderline)





I think most of us can handle it --- in real life, I'm probably way over the line, and I try not to censor unless I receive a complaint.

I have few limits of my own so sometimes have to rely on my wifes or others discretion or consider that we have a few who may find things offensive.  I try to keep a rough PG13 rating here as maximum but we have very few here who are prudes.  Mostly we kind of try to keep it family friendly and a place the ladies will not find too offensive as we like their input.  

I don't want to be nit-picky so thanks to all for your efforts to keep this a rather un-prudish but still pleasant place.  

I know --- a lot of help that was, but maybe that will explain a bit of the decisions I face in trying to not be an oppressive policeman.  [waiting]  :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Phssthpok on June 27, 2009, 05:07:43 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.moronail.net%2Fimg%2F3%2F2%2F1432.jpg&hash=6cb0ce891f55d74ee08f73535538b4cc)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 27, 2009, 08:35:03 PM
The Good Wife's ?Guide - Good Housekeeping article.

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi35.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fd184%2Fglennkangiser%2Fgoodhouskeeping.jpg&hash=e6bc4afcadebf4a7a0486086a4a51cb1)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on June 27, 2009, 08:58:52 PM
Glenn I need ink for my printer [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 27, 2009, 09:04:29 PM
Whitlock, I know this is not properly placed in the humor section, but perhaps the ladies will be caught off guard, read it and strive to be the best that they can be.... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on June 27, 2009, 09:05:32 PM
in your dreams   heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 27, 2009, 09:06:07 PM
[rofl2]

Sassy forwarded that to me along with a promise to strive to live up to the admonitions contained in the article....  [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on June 27, 2009, 09:19:35 PM
Whitlock, I know this is not properly placed in the humor section, ....

I thought it was (properly placed).


Kinda hard to believe that people actually believed that back then. Sadly some still do today.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 27, 2009, 09:21:34 PM
About 3/4 of it was my dad.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on June 28, 2009, 01:41:56 PM
Ray & Bubba
(Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.' 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.....

..... and helping to
distribute the money from the "stimulus package"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on June 29, 2009, 05:03:57 PM
Ray & Bubba
(Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.' 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.....

..... and helping to
distribute the money from the "stimulus package"

yeah I know it's just a joke but its buggin me... 

unbolting a flagpole and laying it down to measure it is the hard way.  As the pole is straight vertical we can assume a string from the top to the ground will make it right angle triangle.  Just run a rope up to the top of a known length say 25 feet.  See how far it from the base of the flag pole until it reaches the ground. 

Pythagorean's theorem: Length of Side A squared times the length of Side B squared equals the length of Side C squared in a right triangle.  A squared+B squared=C squared

25x25 = 625
assuming the rope touches the ground at 16 and a half feet from the pole
16.5x16.5 = 272.25

(a squared) + 272.25 = 625
square root of 352.75 = 18.6 - or 18 and a half foot - but no need for wrench. 


I believe all three of them can work for the government, they all obviously failed math - which seems to be a requirement these days d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on June 29, 2009, 05:16:46 PM
muldoon, dude...that's a great math lesson but seriously...you need a hobby.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on June 29, 2009, 06:13:39 PM
If you can run a rope up then why not run a tape measure up?

Why not just measure the length of the shadow, and then measure the length of your own shadow in proportion to your height.. ??? Use the same proportion to get the tree's height. 'Bout the same amount of math, and no need to run the flag down. ;)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on July 01, 2009, 08:24:32 AM
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun  that his men smelled bad.  The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
 The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

 The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.  Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising "Change", in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on July 01, 2009, 09:47:15 AM
If you can run a rope up then why not run a tape measure up?

Why not just measure the length of the shadow, and then measure the length of your own shadow in proportion to your height.. ??? Use the same proportion to get the tree's height. 'Bout the same amount of math, and no need to run the flag down. ;)

Around here we would just lay on our back next to the pole and use the range finder 8)

If you want to know how to do something the easy way ask a lazy man heh
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 01, 2009, 08:08:58 PM
The Hair Cut...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 03, 2009, 12:13:21 PM


BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
 
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
 
 
She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 09, 2009, 01:43:42 PM
THE OLD PROSPECTOR

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance, just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old
man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blow off or his boots
perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old
man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly
through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was
almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it
hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on July 09, 2009, 02:18:35 PM
The Man Knows His Math
He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.   That's 96
miles each day.  Of these, 16 miles each way is
bumper-to-bumper Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8
lane highway.   There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32
miles.   That works out to 982 cars every mile, or
31,424
cars.  Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000
cars.  That brings the total number to something like
36,000
cars that I pass every day.   Statistically, females drive
half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.  That's  449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.   That's  98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's  33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her
biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Give her the finger?


I don't think so.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on July 09, 2009, 04:42:25 PM
And an answer to the last 2 posts.  Nothing worst than a Molly (female) mule with PMS. :o


http://s704.photobucket.com/albums/ww50/gandalfthegrey1/?albumview=slideshow (http://s704.photobucket.com/albums/ww50/gandalfthegrey1/?albumview=slideshow)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on July 11, 2009, 06:10:24 AM
Glenn is this you????


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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 11, 2009, 12:48:20 PM
I go through life solving the problems of the world .... but no one will take me seriously... [waiting]



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 13, 2009, 12:07:04 PM
               
    WARNING !!!
 
 
If you get an email titled "nude photos of
Angelina Jolie," don't open it. It could contain a
virus.
>
>
>
>
If you get an email titled "nude
photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It
could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 13, 2009, 12:51:24 PM
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:


> On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
>
> One day the two were playing, when the horse f ell into a bog and began to sink.
>
> Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the c hicken to go get the farmer for help!
>
> Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
>
> Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
>
> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
>
> Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
>
> After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
>
> Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
> The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
> Best Buddies, Best Pals.
>
> A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
>
> The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>
> Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
>
> The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>
> The moral of the story?
> (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
>
> "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
>
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 13, 2009, 08:40:15 PM
[rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Phssthpok on July 14, 2009, 12:12:04 PM


Little Johnny came downstairs one morning and asked his mom "What's for breakfast?"

She replied "You ain't gittin nuthin till you does yer chores!"

Pissed little johnny goes out to do his chores. First he feeds the pigs...still in a foul mood he gives the sow a swift kick. While feeding the chickens he does the same, sending several birds squawking. After milking the cow he sends her on her way, prodding her out of the barn with another kick.

Finally he walks back inside and says "THERE....my chores are done! NOW can I have some breakfast?"

His mom slides him a small plate with a piece of dry toast on it.

"What's this? Wheres the bacon n eggs, and this toast doesn't even have any butter on it!"

His mom replied "I saw you kick the sow so you don't get no bacon, and the same goes for eggs cause you kicked the chickens too! As for butter, when you stop kicking the cow maybe you'll get some, but for now..DRY TOAST!"

Just then little johnny's father comes downstairs and trips over the cat as he walked into the kitchen. The cat, not being fast enough, received a swift kick to teach it the error of it's ways in sleeping in the middle of the floor.

Little Johnny looked at his mom and said "You wanna tell him or should I?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 17, 2009, 07:07:12 AM
I found some of these hilarious but I was also sadened by the thought that THEY WALK AMOUNG US

*One day I was walking down the beach
with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked
up at the sky and said...'where?'



I was hanging out with a friend when we saw
a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said,
'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?'
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked
him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.


***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

``Sadly, not only do they walk among us,
```````they also often reproduce``!!!!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on July 17, 2009, 08:57:59 PM
True story... I worked a summer at the Grand Canyon when I was in college, and there's a woman with her kids looking out over the canyon.  Just then some California Condors with about an 8' wingspan flew up over the rim, and the gal says, "Ooooh kids, look at the size of the BATS!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on July 18, 2009, 06:07:12 PM
There I fixed it (http://thereifixedit.com/)....Jiffy-Pop Fire alarm

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Low cost hot water system...

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Curtis on July 21, 2009, 12:44:18 PM
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http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.



From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen






Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 22, 2009, 06:40:11 PM




Lost Puppy:








I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.





Our neighbor, a widow woman, has lost her  Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.. She was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. Then she noticed the back door was open!  She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.. He answers to the name "Tiny".



 



THANKS FOR YOUR HELP








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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on July 24, 2009, 07:44:05 AM
TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's
important. Please send this warning to everyone you care about....

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on July 24, 2009, 11:08:42 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on July 24, 2009, 11:11:36 AM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper 's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on July 30, 2009, 05:32:42 AM
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on August 04, 2009, 09:38:34 AM
FRED!!
 
 
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted  speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
>               
> Fred, he replies.
>           
> Fred what?' the officer asks..
>             
> Just Fred,' the man responds.
>             
>            The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
>         
> Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?
>
> The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.  I was born Fred Dingaling.  I know - a funny last name.  The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. 
> I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,and finally got my degree, so I was Fred  Dingaling, MD
>             
> After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream!
> Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
>             
> Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my Assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was  Fred Dingaling MD DDS, with VD.
>
> When the ADA found out about the VD, they took away my DDS,
> the AMA took away my MD, and the VD took away my Dingaling,
> so now I am Just Fred.
>               
> The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on August 04, 2009, 09:46:34 AM
FEMA GENIE, A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work....You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.' 'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!' The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. 'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, an he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. 'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?' 'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!' After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

*** POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on August 04, 2009, 12:39:56 PM
Wow a Prince Chares joke:  He had it all and gave it up to be a tampon.   rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 06, 2009, 12:01:55 PM
Skinny Dipping
 
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit..
 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
 
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
 
Some old men can still think fast.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on August 07, 2009, 10:25:25 AM
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if she can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, it look like we got first and second place."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 09, 2009, 01:38:59 PM

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of
his identification.
 
Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was
stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
 
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
 
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
 
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
 
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
 
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
 
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
 
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago."
 
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"
 
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on August 10, 2009, 03:58:39 PM
That's bad Glenn [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 10, 2009, 04:32:10 PM
Thanks, Whitlock.  ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 10, 2009, 05:36:20 PM
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 10, 2009, 08:01:42 PM
His mistake was in asking... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: NM_Shooter on August 13, 2009, 05:39:47 AM
My all time favorite email:




Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

  3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

  A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

  B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 18, 2009, 08:58:18 PM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam  going into downtown Chicago .  Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.  They are asking for a $10 Million ransom.  Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.  We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 20, 2009, 02:29:07 PM
Life

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table:

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for
his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he
turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the
table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
 


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 21, 2009, 03:05:54 AM
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
 Afore It Be Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...
Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 21, 2009, 04:05:03 PM
 rofl [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 26, 2009, 05:01:47 PM
Fox News Alert - This just in from Washington.  Members of the Administration are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....
 
"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person.
The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussels sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 30, 2009, 07:51:43 PM
Caution... Older women should not be allowed to have lawn parties...



What would they do....



Can they be trusted to behave themselves?




(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Fth_Old_Girls_Party.jpg&hash=45a90207722f934266211252925a4999) (http://s778.photobucket.com/albums/yy62/the_troglodyte/?action=view&current=Old_Girls_Party.flv)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: bayview on August 31, 2009, 05:16:14 PM
RE:   Caution... Older women should not be allowed to have lawn parties...

    Now, there is something I won't forget soon . . . .   :)


/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on August 31, 2009, 05:16:49 PM
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
 

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
 
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
  
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
 
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
 
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
  
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
  
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
  
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
 
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
  
'Rose! Where are you?'
  
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
  
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
  
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
  
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

 
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on September 01, 2009, 04:49:55 PM
Aww, Hee hee

HEDGEHOGS!!!!????








































Why can't they just SHARE the hedge???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: sparks on September 17, 2009, 06:23:16 PM
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning to find it was a fine Spring day in his new Texas parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a dead jackass lying right there in the middle of the rectory lawn. He promptly called the police station.....and the conservation went like this......

"Good morning. This is Sgt. Jones, how might I help you?"

" And the best of the day te yerself sorr. This is Father O'Malley at St. Patrick's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind to send a couple o' yer lads to take care o' the matter?"

Sgt. Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, " Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...after which Father O'Malley replied....

"Aye,'tis certainly true, however, we are also obliged to notify the next of kin"




for glenn








sparks
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 17, 2009, 07:02:17 PM
:)

Good one, Sparks.  Thanks
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dog on September 18, 2009, 01:08:54 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had
no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 24, 2009, 01:24:42 AM
My Duck is Dead


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
 
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
 
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"  replied the vet.
 
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
 
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!"
 
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on September 24, 2009, 10:35:03 AM
Teaching Math...

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there , holding the nickel and 3 pennies , while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her , she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying , it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 25, 2009, 07:04:21 PM
Es veinte, maestro.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 29, 2009, 11:06:45 AM
RYE BREAD


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
    Bench one morning.
 
-- The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
    Short of breath.
 
-- The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
    What he did to have so much energy.
 
-- The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
    Energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
    So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
    Looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

-- He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
 
-- She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
 
-- He said, "I want 5 loaves."
 
-- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the
    3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
 
-- He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this crap but me."
 
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 29, 2009, 09:30:30 PM
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on October 10, 2009, 08:53:51 AM
I thought you might want to know that if you ever get up this creek again, they now have paddles!

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fscreek.jpg&hash=f0e22a1f47575d9f5f4bfc973f2bbe24)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on October 15, 2009, 11:16:10 AM
Not sure why; maybe someone was angry at someone?

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on October 17, 2009, 01:44:55 PM
Speaking of teaching math... You can always take the philosophical approach. ;)

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fmath.jpg&hash=caf466ea0cac0467c14c1fc98dfbc74c)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 19, 2009, 07:36:51 PM
Funny? hmm

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Fredneckmexicanbaby.jpg&hash=52ed2ec020d6077ff09905c4d7e054a5)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on October 21, 2009, 05:53:20 AM
My Aunt Shirley came home from work complaining to my Uncle George the other day that she kept forgetting her password on her computer at work.  He asked her what her password was, to which she replied, "MickeyDonaldDaisyHueyDeweyLouieMinniePluto".  Uncle George asked her why she has such a long password.  She said, "Well, they said it has to be at least 8 characters long."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 24, 2009, 03:22:12 AM
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
 
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
 
'Is your Father there?' asked the social worker.
 
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in', said the kid.

'Is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
 
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
 
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a Family?'
 
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'
 
 (Government workers are so smart).
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 24, 2009, 04:50:59 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 24, 2009, 04:56:36 AM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: lonelytree on October 27, 2009, 10:05:11 PM
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 28, 2009, 05:29:08 AM
Two baby seals walk into a club.......

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 29, 2009, 08:48:20 PM
Permanent Markers make the ideal disguise in Iowa......

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http://www.boingboing.net/2009/10/29/robbers-wearing-mark.html#more

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/29/iowa.marker.disguise/index.html
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on October 31, 2009, 07:12:15 AM
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...


 God addresses Al first…  ''Al, what do you believe in?''

 
 Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,

 but that it was your will that I did not serve..

 And I've come to understand that now.''


 God thinks for a second and says:

 "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

 
God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?''

  Bill replies:  "I believe in forgiveness.

 I've sinned, but I've never held a

 grudge against my fellow man,

 and I hope no grudges are held against me.''


 God thinks for a second and says:

 "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

 
 Then God addresses Barrack.  "Barrack, what do you believe in?''


 He replies:  "I believe you're in my chair."

(sent to me by Harry51)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on October 31, 2009, 07:27:28 AM
MAMA & HER BIBLE
 
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and they prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
 
The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church,but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
 
The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.


She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 31, 2009, 03:25:40 PM
A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio..
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back inOhio cost
them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency
to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap
here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39...
You just have to know how to describe it!'
(Those HILLBILLIES know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 05, 2009, 11:34:38 AM
I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ....

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late, I already saw you holding it.

have a nice day !!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 06, 2009, 04:50:56 PM
 
Post Turtle
 
YOU'VE GOT TO  LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO  LIFE

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand had
been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up
a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his being our president.
 

The old rancher said,  "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle.."

Now not  being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what the heck is a
"post  turtle?"

The old rancher said,  "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence
 post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
 
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued
to explain. 'You know he didn't  get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what
to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't going nowhere, and you just  wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin  with.'
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: leeschaumberg on November 07, 2009, 06:14:49 AM
   Not wanting to get yelled at I do the following!
           
          When bored I sing to my self. So here goes-

        It's begining to look a lot like - um , um, um , Thanksgiving!

         :D   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 07, 2009, 06:19:07 AM
I used to wish I could sing. [crz]

Now I wish you could sing.... [waiting]

w* to the forum, leeschaumberg.  :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 08, 2009, 07:58:16 AM
I finally got around to going fishing last weekend but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 10, 2009, 07:13:23 PM
 Lipstick in School......
 
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 21, 2009, 05:42:28 PM

 
 
Real School Absence Excuse Notes
Spellings Have Been Left Intact
11-21-9
 

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
 
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
 
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
 
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
 
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
 
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
 
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
 
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
 
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
 
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
 
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe (shits).
 
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
 
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
 
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
 
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
 
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
 
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
 
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
 
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
 
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
 
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
 
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
 
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

from

http://www.rense.com/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 22, 2009, 02:48:35 PM
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
 
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',  says the Genie.
 
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
 
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
 
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
 
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
 
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
 
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
 
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,
 'Fill it with water.'
 
 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 23, 2009, 02:57:47 AM
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips.  When she walks into a room,  people say,  "Oh My God."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Squirl on November 25, 2009, 10:17:39 AM
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking..

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can
hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 25, 2009, 06:21:25 PM
rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 28, 2009, 03:57:39 AM
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a#@ and let him go!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 28, 2009, 08:23:03 AM
Marrying, again!
 

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!


"He's a funeral director," she answered.
 

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

 
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?"

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

 [slap]

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 29, 2009, 05:22:14 PM
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
 
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
 
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -
a perfect night for romance.
 
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
 
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
 
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
 
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
 
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .
 
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..
 
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there
was anything she could do for him.
 
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 09, 2009, 06:48:34 AM
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.  Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.  Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 15, 2009, 08:12:27 AM
I am not sure whether I posted this before.  It has been around for sometime.  So if I have forgive me if not enjoy.


A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

 The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to   Hawaii  so I can ride over anytime I want.'

 The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

 The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

 The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'  
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 16, 2009, 05:17:53 PM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.
 
 Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

  Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

  Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
 
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

  Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

  Johnny is even madder than before.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their mouths shut!"
 
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 18, 2009, 01:15:19 PM
What marriage is about ...

He ordered one hamburger,
one order of French fries
and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking,
"That poor old
couple--all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries
a young man came to the table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were
just fine-
----They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the
little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them
to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said
"No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was
wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked
"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

"THE TEETH."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on December 26, 2009, 12:44:05 PM
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco .
 The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed
 that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
 He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon,
 and in the wagon was the figure of the
 little infant Jesus.
 
 So he walked up to the boy and said,
 "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
 The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
 "And why did you take Him?"
 
 The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
 little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
 Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on December 28, 2009, 10:35:25 AM
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.  He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.   He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than  He needs, but  He is not required to do any upkeep.  If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.  He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.  I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy crap, my dog is a democrat!

btw, there's not much difference in the democrats & republicans anymore except in their rhetoric...   d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: bayview on December 28, 2009, 11:05:00 AM
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.  He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.   He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than  He needs, but  He is not required to do any upkeep.  If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.  He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.  I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy crap, my dog is a democrat!

btw, there's not much difference in the democrats & republicans anymore except in their rhetoric...   d*

I hope you don't mind . . . I would like to print this out and send to a couple of relatives . . .


/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on December 28, 2009, 07:08:52 PM
Go for it! 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 01, 2010, 10:40:49 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Fglobalwarmingproof.jpg&hash=c856d626184a7e54f3324784efa8cc7f)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 06, 2010, 07:57:22 AM
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern New Hampshire, a state cop on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.  "What's the matter?" asked the cop.

        "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

        "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

        "Can't."

        "OK, Watch me and I will show you."

        The policeman lubricated the carburetor, as promised.  The bike
started and the rider drove off, waving.


        A few days later, the officer received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

        It began:  "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: NM_Shooter on January 07, 2010, 05:22:01 AM
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back-country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I
didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave
and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what
else
to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for
my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
 
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
 
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in
septic tanks for over twenty years."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: bayview on January 16, 2010, 06:28:54 PM



   New airport security . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZfbTlYpKYo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZfbTlYpKYo)


/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 17, 2010, 07:04:40 PM
Whats the difference between a good ole boy and a redneck .... a good ole boy raises livestock and a red neck get emotionally involved.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on January 26, 2010, 06:45:00 PM

 A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent.

The rancher replied,

"That would be me."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MaineRhino on February 11, 2010, 11:13:18 AM
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 11, 2010, 11:42:26 AM
 rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on February 11, 2010, 12:18:32 PM
The women folk should enjoy this

http://www.youtube.com/user/oldspice?feature=chclk

its only 30 seconds, but very funny
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on February 12, 2010, 07:10:20 AM
Dorky, but funny.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on February 12, 2010, 10:01:41 AM
Absolute cheesy factor. But for whatever reason it just makes me laugh.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 12, 2010, 10:19:35 AM
Retiree Bathtub Test
>
> During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
> whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"
>
> "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to
> empty the bathtub"
>
> "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
> bucket because it
> is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>
> "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
> a bed near the window?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on February 12, 2010, 11:17:07 AM

 Good one.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on February 17, 2010, 08:19:44 AM
Wife calls husband on the cell phone.  "You be careful driving home, there is a nut going the wrong way on I87."

He replies: "one? There are hundreds of them."  [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MaineRhino on February 17, 2010, 03:19:53 PM
What to do when you are bored at work ...
 
 
 
1. Kill a few Flies
 
2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.
 
3. Once they are dry, grab a pencil and paper... Let your  imagination flow.
 
 
Here are a few examples...
 
 
 
 (https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi223.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd127%2FMaineRhino%2Fmisc%2FATT00200.jpg&hash=4966baf307bc3b18840ac0cc05519256)

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Makes me wonder, though, where does someone work that there are this many
flies?    ???
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 17, 2010, 04:01:01 PM
 [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on February 17, 2010, 04:13:56 PM

 That's hilarious!

 I mean, in a really, really weird way.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: bayview on February 17, 2010, 05:30:28 PM


   I know that they are just flies . . .    But, that is kind of sick.

/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: poppy on February 17, 2010, 05:59:27 PM
WRONG BITCH
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train a gain, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 17, 2010, 06:07:43 PM
 rofl rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 17, 2010, 09:21:40 PM
Regarding flies --- and old friend has related some of the stories of his younger days to me in an email - I think he is around 85 now.

"Yeah I went to third grade in a little town called lake view where there was no lake it was a little wooden building with first through high school with 3 and 4 grades in every room. The desks were  made for two students and I had a girl sitting next to me so I put my arm around her and then she smiled and didn't mind but the teacher did and she sent me into the room with the big kids and put me in a chair in front of the class.

That! was a big mistake! It was summer and the windows were open with no screens and there were flies .

I said to myself I'm going to get even and I caught a fly pulled off it's wings and let it run up and down my finger. The whole class was smiling and watching me and the teacher couldn't teach so she sent me back to my class. 

My mother came to school to talk to a teacher to see what was the matter and this teacher said he's just board stiff I've taught school in foreign countries and I know kids the other teachers just don't know how to handle him.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on February 19, 2010, 08:35:55 AM

 From the NYT, Feb 16th.

 "Dagestanis can tell ethnic jokes for hours, returning to beloved themes like the muscle-bound denseness of the Avars, the naked commercialism of the Dargins, the bookish pusillanimity of the Lezgins, the slyness of Lakhs and so on. And that’s not counting jokes about especially dumb villages.

One example: An Avar is carrying a wounded Dargin off the battlefield. The Dargin entreats his friend to leave him behind, lest they both be killed, and asks the one favor of shooting him so he does not suffer. The Avar, finally convinced, pulls out his firearm but finds he has no ammunition. The Dargin roots in his pockets and pulls out a bullet. “I’ll sell it to you,” he says.

Or this one: An Avar is driving through Makhachkala with a Lakh in the passenger seat. Spotting a red light, he pumps the accelerator and speeds through it. “You just ran a red light!” the Lakh says. “Avars don’t stop for red lights,” the Avar explains, and speeds through another. In a few minutes, they come to a green light, and the Avar stops. “Why did you stop?” the Lakh asks. “You can’t be too careful,” his friend says, “an Avar might be coming the other way.”

 One anecdote has a guy approaching his neighbor Gitya, an Avar. He says, “Gitya, I heard a great joke the other day, but it’s about Avars. I don’t want to offend you, so I’ll tell it about Azeris.” He tells the joke, and Gitya laughs so hard that tears stream down his face. “Man,” Gitya gasps, catching his breath. “Those Azeris sure are idiots!”

 http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/17/world/europe/17dagestan.html (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/17/world/europe/17dagestan.html)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: StinkerBell on February 20, 2010, 09:03:54 AM
Obama administration gives recongnition to former President George W. Bush for his many years of public service. The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates off the nation of Haiti after him. The area will now officially be named "Bush's Fault."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 20, 2010, 11:13:01 AM
Indian Wanting Coffee:
 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 20, 2010, 01:47:37 PM
A friend just sent me this...

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Kwik Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly
maintained vehicle.
> >>
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
> >>Total: $31.00
> >>==========


> >>Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filterwrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill..
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between
knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >>
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 21, 2010, 09:52:05 AM
Subject: Old Cow

So this limo is heading down the road when suddenly....a cow jumps out into the road, the limo hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

The passenger, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old..

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says the passenger.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the passenger.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Single-Malt Scotch, the wife gave me a
great meal and the daughter made fantastic love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the passenger ..

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 22, 2010, 12:31:53 PM
Real life story....

I decided to replace the battery in the Honda. It's 4 years old and here in the  hot SW many batteries don't make it that far. I figure it's cheaper in the long run to change it before it dies.

So I took the old one to O'Reilly's and bought a new battery. The sales guy reminded me to remove the red and black plastic caps before hooking it up. I replied by saying, "Nobody would really hook the cables up with them in place, would they?"

He reached under the counter and tossed a baggie with two caps in it on the counter. I could see what appeared to be clamp marks.

He told me that a guy came in, bought a new battery, toook it home and installed it. Nothing worked. He called to say his new battery was no good. "Bring it back in here" he was told.

Yep. When he brought it into the store the plastic caps were still in place and it was obvious the terminals had been clamped over the protectors.

We had a real good laugh about that. Best one of the day so far.   :D

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on February 22, 2010, 12:38:04 PM
Real life story....

I decided to replace the battery in the Honda. It's 4 years old and here in the  hot SW many batteries don't make it that far. I figure it's cheaper in the long run to change it before it dies.

So I took the old one to O'Reilly's and bought a new battery. The sales guy reminded me to remove the red and black plastic caps before hooking it up. I replied by saying, "Nobody would really hook the cables up with them in place, would they?"

He reached under the counter and tossed a baggie with two caps in it on the counter. I could see what appeared to be clamp marks.

He told me that a guy came in, bought a new battery, toook it home and installed it. Nothing worked. He called to say his new battery was no good. "Bring it back in here" he was told.

Yep. When he brought it into the store the plastic caps were still in place and it was obvious the terminals had been clamped over the protectors.

We had a real good laugh about that. Best one of the day so far.   :D



 That's great! Best thing about it is how the sales guy saved the caps so as to have a laugh at the poor schmuck each and every time someone new came in to buy a battery. How MEAN!

  rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 23, 2010, 06:55:33 PM
New Mexico chili cook-off e-mail -- Frank - is that you? [noidea'


NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... .......



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile

cook-off in New Mexico .



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend  chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on February 25, 2010, 02:45:48 PM
Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
 
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"
 
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense"
 
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence ."
 
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.
 
As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
 
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" 

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 02, 2010, 02:18:57 PM
A bit of cussing - a bit of grossness - you may not want to read this one.  Sent to me by my daughter.... [waiting]

Subject:  Chili

WARNING: ONLY Read This If You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to "Lowes"(mega hardware store) recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself road-kill CHILI.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL burst into flames and fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement no.2's. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the "Lowes" store, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about... I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hits you at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate... Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh....... BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive gasseous issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand malassplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "aghh ah aaaghh", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,"OH MY GOD !!!" -- "Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?" He didn't wait for a response,and quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,"HOLY CRAP, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Target... I can't say anymore about that because I'm currently in court over the whole matter.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: RainDog on March 02, 2010, 03:59:20 PM

 Gee... uh...

 Alright, then.

  :-\
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 02, 2010, 04:09:27 PM
It was pretty bad, but a lady did that to me at a service station a few weeks back so I had to post it..... come to think of it though, actually being there and getting hit by it, it wasn't that funny.

I know she had some of that guys chili though..... maybe like 5 gallons.... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 03, 2010, 12:06:23 PM
Mujibar  was trying to get a job in India . 
 
The Personnel  Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.   
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify  for this job.' 
 
Mujibar said, 'I am  ready.' 
 
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using  the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ..' 
 
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,   
'Mister manager, I am ready.' 
 
The manager said,  'Go ahead.' 
 
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes  green,  green,
and I pink it up,  and say,
Yellow, this is  Mujibar.' 
 
Mujibar now works at a call  center. 
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know  I have.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 04, 2010, 04:58:24 AM
Praying for Leroy
 
  "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
 
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
 
 Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday." 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 04, 2010, 07:57:39 AM
Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell says, "It's me!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 06, 2010, 09:11:29 PM
DON'T TELL ME BLONDS AREN'T SMART !!!!
       
   Last year I replaced all the windows  in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I  got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the  work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am  automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had  told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!    Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only  silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called  back. I bet he felt like an idiot.   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 09, 2010, 08:36:05 AM
~ Cup of Tea ~




One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: LeoinSA on March 10, 2010, 04:07:26 PM
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 10, 2010, 06:06:08 PM
Blonde in the fourth row

A young ventriloquist is touring the county fairs: One night he's doing a show in a   Small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his Usual dumb blonde jokes, when a very well endowed blonde woman in the fourth row  stands on her chair, displaying a great body, long shapely fishnet clad legs in
An extremely short leather skirt , and shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!
 I'm talking to that little fellow on your knee.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 10, 2010, 08:49:31 PM
 THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

(This one is priceless.................)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home  from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called  home to glory following a heart attack.  The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.   After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 11, 2010, 04:50:29 PM
I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.
 
At first the lady said dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.
 
So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and has no clue who his daddy is.
 
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
 
My dog gets his first check Friday.
 
Darn! Is this a great country, or WHAT?!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 13, 2010, 10:36:09 AM
We just watched this again and figured it was time to re-post for the new ones....why the ladies don't get to have lawn parties any more.....

http://s778.photobucket.com/albums/yy62/the_troglodyte/?action=view&current=Old_Girls_Party.flv
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 14, 2010, 06:17:56 AM
Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada  to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 17, 2010, 05:40:34 AM
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians   will no longer be referred to as
            'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'


 

 
 
 

 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 19, 2010, 05:35:19 AM
Contractor of the year awards  :D :D :D

Third Place

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fcoy1.jpg&hash=285db40598d6d31c561287521575d891)

Second Place

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fcoy2.jpg&hash=35489b4183c9e9f936e6f7f99b9a43aa)

First Place

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Fcoy3.jpg&hash=f758ab745bbbd3904a3b3778cdc63af0)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 19, 2010, 06:20:47 AM
Those are all hilarious!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 19, 2010, 07:16:58 AM
Good stuff there , John --- and they actually did that... hmm 

email you may have seen....


Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.  I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 19, 2010, 11:12:17 AM
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girlas she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm feeling generous today!

I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley, so ride it by yourself!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 19, 2010, 01:16:09 PM
True story:
This morning I'm munching away on a handful of sunflower seeds  when I notice some scattered on the table, chair, and floor.  I asked the girls about it and Ev says, "Yeah, Sylvie dumped the whole jar on the floor.  But it's OK, Mama.  We swept them all up and put them back!" 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on March 19, 2010, 04:11:38 PM
I hope your floor was clean.  ;)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on March 21, 2010, 05:54:19 PM
Got this in an email today...

Texas Hedge Trimmer


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi56.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fg166%2Fjraabe%2Ftexas-2.jpg&hash=450bada5de16518e0cedc0d913c53760)

Is this what happens when a creative mind has too much machinery lying around?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 24, 2010, 04:21:39 AM
I like that.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 24, 2010, 07:21:47 PM
I'm sitting here wondering how long it's gonna be before Glenn tries that one.  :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 25, 2010, 08:12:21 PM
A while - I haven't put the motor on the mower yet.... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 26, 2010, 09:59:10 PM
The Haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
The citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
   
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 27, 2010, 01:35:26 PM
 MARIJUANA
 FILLED
FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith. He's hidin'

marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he
gets it inside

them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

 The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on
 Virgil's house.

 They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

 Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
 marijuana.

 They sneer at Virgil and leave.

 Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the

 Sheriff come?'

 'Yeah!'

 'Did they chop your firewood?'

 'Yep!'

 'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

 (Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun !!!!)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on March 28, 2010, 06:59:55 AM
A woman from Los Angeles , CA  who was a tree hugger, a democrat,  and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.  In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.  She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, What took you so long?  He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


GOD BLESS AMERICA
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 03, 2010, 06:51:16 AM
Whitlock sent me some medical info....


(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Fdoctor.jpg&hash=27905ee8a176146ae2f9c90e3318922e)






Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
     
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ScottA on April 03, 2010, 08:07:46 AM
 rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 06, 2010, 12:20:04 PM
Another true story, because sometimes the truth is funnier/stranger than things you could  make up!!

On Easter, I had my kids call my dad and stepmom to tell them happy Easter and to thank them for the presents they'd sent in the mail.   My stepmom wanted to talk to me, and I could tell from the get go that she was ticked off.  My mind was racing, wondering what I'd done this time....  Turns out, my aunt (Dad's sister) had stopped by to see them that day.  She and I are friends on facebook (something I question the wisdom of, even though I always enjoy chatting with her.)  My stepmom demanded to know if it was true that we were getting beehives.  I told her yes.  She started yelling, "Why the @#$% would you do something like that???!!!"  Still confused and wondering how she could possibly be mad about the bees, I feebly answered, "Ummm... for the honey."  Her response, "IS THAT REALLY WHY YOU'RE GETTING THEM???!!!"  I told her yes, and that local honey is expensive, but helps our allergies, so we decided to try to produce our own, and were hopeful that we'd someday have surplus to provide a little extra income.  She yelled at me for the next ten minutes or so.... and finally, I figured out the reason she was mad (if it can be called a reason!!)  My dad is severely allergic to bees (so am I... that's what epi pens are for!)  and she somehow got it in her head that we were getting the bees to keep my dad away, something that was entirely unnecessary as he has never been to our house in the year plus we've lived here!!  I guess in the few hours she'd had to stew on it in her self-centered universe, she'd decided it was my elaborate murder plot against my dad or something!!!!  I think that the fact that I kept laughing only made her madder, but it was impossible not to!  I kept thinking, she's joking, surely....  Nope, I'm a terrible daughter, certainly a terrible parent for endangering my children by allowing them to learn about beekeeping, and just all around a terrible person! rofl rofl [rofl2]  Even after reminding her that it was a feral bee in their own yard tha tnearly killed dad last time, she kept ranting.  Sometimes there is just no reasoning with an unreasonable person.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on April 06, 2010, 08:09:41 PM
Ick.. Doesn't sound like a real funny situation to me. :-\ Sorry that you have people like that to deal with.. I've got two buzzing packages coming in a week or two! :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 07, 2010, 04:57:21 AM
I bet the mailman is anxious to get that off his hands!  Well, it isn't funny, and it is funny at the same time.  The randomness of her thought processes astounds me.  How do you make the leap from keeping honey bees all the way to plotting murder and mayhem? 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on April 10, 2010, 02:59:04 PM
Pastor's Business Card

 
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. 

 
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

 
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

 
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on April 10, 2010, 06:47:59 PM
 rofl  good one!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 16, 2010, 05:22:27 PM
When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...



A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on April 18, 2010, 03:52:08 PM
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
 
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged
 
him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
 
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed
 
the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
 
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
 
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......
 
"Nope....You are!  I'm gonna burn down the Barn!”
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on May 29, 2010, 02:56:40 AM
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."   She said I

    wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
     
    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite
    animal.  I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
    PETA.   He said they love animals very much. I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef.
     

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed too.  Then he told me not to do it again.
     
    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken.  She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.  So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
     
    I don't understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.  Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
     
    I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
     
     
     
    Blessed Are the Cracked - For They Let In the Light
     
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 06, 2010, 06:43:37 AM
Dumb builder video clips on YouTube. Don't try these at home! (Actually, some are pretty easy to do.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zHuAo-QomM
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: diyfrank on June 06, 2010, 06:53:58 AM
Stupid is as stupid does.  ::)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 06, 2010, 07:12:39 AM
Fortunately there is not always a video camera around when I do stupid stuff.... :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 06, 2010, 07:37:33 AM
Yep, imagine if cameras followed us everywhere... we could all edit our life down to 5 minutes of "My Most Stupid Mistakes!".

Would you watch it? Would you share it with your spouse and kids?

(Personally, 5 min isn't enough)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on June 07, 2010, 07:33:15 PM
(Personally, 5 min isn't enough)

Are you bragging or complaining John? ;D

Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on June 11, 2010, 06:16:43 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1009.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf219%2Fcountryplans%2Fjose.jpg&hash=712a6932239376009ec52b9dafed5206)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 12, 2010, 08:36:06 AM
I have been working with Jose all week, but from the titles of the guys standing there, I think you would have to name me Hose "B"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 13, 2010, 01:32:10 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Frednecklove.png&hash=b00668aac068ef6d758f84263addf579)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on June 23, 2010, 10:30:55 AM
Men vs. Women
 
 
 Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
 
 
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to
 
leave, because otherwise, they were all going to fall.
 
 
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching
 
speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
 
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in
 
general and she was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
 
 
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 25, 2010, 06:30:02 PM
True story:  Today, my oldest daughter asked the youngest one to "go get my grasshopper out of the bug box and bring it here".  A few seconds later, Sylvie appeared in the door, grinning, but sans grasshopper.  Cori said, "I told you to get my grasshopper.  Where is it?"  With a couple of crunches and a twinkle in her eye, Sylvie opened her mouth to show Cori the grasshopper.  I asked Cori if she got the grasshopper out of Sylvie's mouth, and she said, "No, she swallowed it before I could get a chance!!"  So, I asked Sylvia how grasshoppers taste and she informed me that they are "nummy!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 25, 2010, 06:53:47 PM
Good story.  You have unique girls. :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 26, 2010, 02:14:38 AM
Thanks Glenn.   They keep me entertained.  Even better than the original happening was when Sylvie told  the story to Grandma on the phone yesterday evening.  She is the most animated barely 2 YO story-teller you'll ever see.  She told grandma, "I put the gass-hopper in mine mouth and went 'om-nom-nom-nom'.... it tastes nummy!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on June 26, 2010, 07:11:13 AM
:)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on July 12, 2010, 05:43:25 AM
Cardiologist's Funeral:

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on July 13, 2010, 02:42:32 PM
Do yoga and drinking provide similar benefits?

http://theflintskinny.blogspot.com/2009/09/drinking-and-yoga-are-long-lost-cousins.html

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fyepyep.gibbs12.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F09%2Fimageimage002jpg01ca2d55b95fe4e0.png&hash=3426d1968c6cfbca71591d00584c57c4)

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 13, 2010, 04:48:35 PM
I think you have a winner there, John.   :)   rofl
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on July 15, 2010, 10:24:18 AM
 rofl [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on July 23, 2010, 09:56:21 AM
    Copper wire:
    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
    found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
    conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
    than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
    California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
    A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of
    200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
    had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
    earlier than the New Yorkers"

    One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl , Texas ,
    Bubba Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
    absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
    Texas Had already gone wireless".

    Just makes a person proud to live in Texas , don't it.

(note - I was born in Texas, lol)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on July 31, 2010, 07:06:14 AM
Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged


with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.


 With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries,


houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes


making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter


an attorney wrote to the FHA (Federal Housing Administration) on behalf


of a client:


You gotta hand it to this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan


would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of


property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back


to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending


the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


(Actual reply from FHA):


"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we


note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we


compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the


application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the


proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be


accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:


(Actual response):


"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note


that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by


the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this


country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know


that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803,


the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of


uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership


was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from


Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery


made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had


been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish


monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and


almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing


the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's


expedition.    Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of


Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created


this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made


that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the


owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of


time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's


original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"



The loan was immediately approved.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on July 31, 2010, 08:17:04 AM
 [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on July 31, 2010, 11:00:41 AM
Classic  ::),

A lawyer who earned his fee, I suspect!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on August 02, 2010, 07:30:24 PM
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on August 17, 2010, 05:14:08 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1009.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf219%2Fcountryplans%2Flast-job.jpg&hash=83841bf8495e3b5d049f15afd39c6fb0)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 30, 2010, 10:27:25 AM
A friend sent me this little history lesson today...

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in  Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat..

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud ! or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to  America  . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....
 

GO GREEN: Recycle Congress.

FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME: Do not re-elect any one!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on September 12, 2010, 10:57:32 AM
    "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
beautiful children beyond compare.

          With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

          Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to
marry one of them.

          The Redneck simply replied,"They're lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you
want."

          The man dated the first daughter.

          The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

          "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

          The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

          The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

          "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

          The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see
if things might be better. So he did.

          The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

          "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

          So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
          When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to
his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.

          "Well," explained the Redneck..."She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 17, 2010, 02:38:40 PM
Well I was torn to where this should be posted.  It is somewhat political but more humor to me.  Can you believe that these two people are trying to run this country.  OMG  d* rofl

You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area.  For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .  The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards.  'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on September 18, 2010, 05:17:05 AM
Haha ha ha haha haha!  Love that one.  Going to have to pass it on....
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on September 18, 2010, 05:53:31 AM
Too bad it's been shown to be a figment of someone's imagination. Google "joe biden cattle guards"  the story goes back to clinton.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 18, 2010, 08:36:32 AM
I got that one too and googled it a bit... cute though and dang near believable...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 18, 2010, 04:51:34 PM
Funny Don I "snoped" it and there was nothing but the recent.  ???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: rick91351 on September 18, 2010, 06:48:47 PM
I think it was going around here when Bruce Babbit was trying to lock up huge sections of the western states.  He was credited with saying they would be able to lay off cattle guards if the west went cattle free in '93.  Of course they - them disavowed any knowledge of this being said.  I don't think even Babbit was that stupid.... but ???

But John I still giggle at the thought!
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on September 20, 2010, 03:35:07 PM
Funny Don I "snoped" it and there was nothing but the recent.  ???

I didn't try snopes on that one, just googled and that brought up some hits. Nothing's perfect. Some days you can't win for trying.   >:(
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on September 20, 2010, 04:11:43 PM
Usually 365 of them.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: sparks on October 07, 2010, 07:44:44 PM
During the last 3 or 4 months I've noticed something weird.

I've been finding pennies on the ground all over .......when ever I get out of my vehicle.....or just walking down the sidewalk......or lying on the floor in a motel room......or walking into a business ......or pumping gas into my car..........

Given the financial and political climate in this country............

.......are people just losing their 'cents'...????


sparks
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 07, 2010, 08:59:59 PM
I'm not sure, Sparks ...

Were you following Pelosi around.... [noidea'

I have heard she's going through the change... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 17, 2010, 08:14:13 PM
An Aggie named Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on October 18, 2010, 02:36:05 AM
check this out Sparks - we need to start pickng up those old pennies

they are worth 2.5 cents  hmmmm more than double your money

http://inflation.us/coins/coin_details.php?coinID=5



compare that to the quarters

http://inflation.us/coins/coin_details.php?coinID=12
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on October 18, 2010, 05:29:54 PM
Thanks to Paul Wheaton...  A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 23, 2010, 03:42:20 PM
40 Years of Marriage...
 
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.'
 
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with
my darling husband'.
 
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
 
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me'.
 
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish
is a wish.
 
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became
92 years old.
 
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female...

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on October 28, 2010, 04:49:37 PM
Here are some very funny and interesting graphic stories from Christoph Niemann:

http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/02/coffee/
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/03/red-eye/
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/10/my-way/

For example - the diet:

(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1009.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Faf219%2Fcountryplans%2Fdiet.jpg&hash=d50bc321e6b2cdb17c6c59a9027af551)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Ernest T. Bass on October 28, 2010, 06:25:55 PM
That's an extremely talented and creative guy.. Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on November 02, 2010, 11:06:46 AM
Descartes walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on November 02, 2010, 12:31:15 PM
So! If you don't want to vanish,  have a beer!    [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 02, 2010, 07:49:04 PM
Had to study up but got it.  :)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 25, 2010, 07:02:53 AM
The next elite choice for president..... rofl



Transcript snip from Glenn Beck's radio show:

CO-HOST: How would you handle a situation like the one that just developed in North Korea?

PALIN: But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies. We're bound to by treaty—




Don't get me wrong.... I don't like either side of the one party system..... [waiting]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on November 28, 2010, 08:22:56 AM
Just recieved this from my brother's # 1 daughter.

My cuzn's baby's daddy's lil bruda's bes fren's uncle's x-wife's boyfren's mama's awnt's nexdoe neigba's susta in law said tell you Mur Cripmus!   d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on November 30, 2010, 06:32:31 AM
good ol cowboy



A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.  On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer
grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The
robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.  He then looked
around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.  The robber yelled, 'Well,
did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in
which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.  Then, one old cowboy
tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said,
'I didn't but my wife got a pretty good look at you.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 30, 2010, 09:32:59 PM
Ain't gonna be the first time this ol' cowboy spent the night alone... :)  MTB

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3zRplo9w50&feature=related
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on December 03, 2010, 08:43:10 AM
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
which to let the pigs mate.The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The
other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.
If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to
try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."


"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."                              


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on December 25, 2010, 08:50:50 AM
Are you searching for SLACK?

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http://www.subgenius.com/pam1/pamphlet_p1.html

This is classic "BOB" - the founder of the Church of the Subgenius.

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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 05, 2011, 09:32:26 PM
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 10, 2011, 09:56:42 AM
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,
trailed by 15 kids.
 
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “are they all yours?”
 
“Yep, they are all mine,” the flustered momma sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down
Leroy.” All the children rush to find seats.
 
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign
up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
 
“Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the
girls are all named Leighroy.”
 
In disbelief, the case worker asks, “Are you serious? They’re
ALL named Leroy?”
 
The momma replies, “Well, yes...it makes it easier. When it’s
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’
An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ An’ they all
comes a runnin. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into
the street, I just yell Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the
smartest ideaI  ever had, namin’ them all Leroy."
 
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE
kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
 
“Then I call them by their LAST names.”
 

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: bayview on January 11, 2011, 03:58:06 AM

   She must be a “ell” of a caring woman . . .   

   Giving a home to all those adopted children named Leroy.

/.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Don_P on January 13, 2011, 06:23:06 AM
Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
...........................
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be
.............................
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
...........................
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
...............................
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
...............................
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
...................................
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
......................................
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful
princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer
took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm
an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -
now that's cool."
........................................
A priest, a revolutionary, and an engineer were brought to the guillotine. The priest was to be executed first, but when the handle was pulled, the blade hung up and did not perform it's function. The Laws of the State required that the priest be set free, since it would be inhumane to keep trying. The Priest said "Praise the Lord!" and was set free.

The revolutionary was next, and the device failed again. As he was set free, he said "Viva la revolution!".

When the engineer was brought to the guillotine, he said "It looks like this lever needs lubrication."
............................
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on January 23, 2011, 02:55:16 PM
 
 Hillbilly Farmer
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 30, 2011, 02:11:03 PM
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
 discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
 rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

 The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

 Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
 chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
 is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

 "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around
 here?"

 Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
 terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
 had me!"

 Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
 tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
 protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

 The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
 a deal for himself with the panther.

 The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
 squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
 canine!"

 Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
>his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
 the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
 them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
 Shepherd says...

 "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
 panther!"

 Moral of this story...

 Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and
>treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on January 31, 2011, 06:10:19 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
 in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
 of an old green John Deere.
 
 Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
 off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then
 hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
 overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
 Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
 stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
 his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
 
 Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
 doing, Billy Bob?"
 
 "Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
 obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
 
 "But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
 d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
 a tractor."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on January 31, 2011, 06:43:33 AM
At least it was a John Deere
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 31, 2011, 08:45:29 AM
 [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 02, 2011, 12:38:25 PM
A good preacher story..
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a  Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan  University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week  for coffee and to talk
shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that  preaching to people isn't really
all that hard - a real challenge would be  to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an  experiment.
 
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,  preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they all  came together to discuss their experience.
 
Father Flannery, who had his  arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and  limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a  bear. And when I  found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of  God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to  give him first communion and
confirmation.'
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke  next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and  had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
claimed, 'WELL,  brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a  bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that  bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of
him and we began to  wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we  came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And  just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb.. We spent the rest of  the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
 
The priest and the reverend both  looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body  cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of  him.
 
He was in really bad shape.
 
The Rabbi looked up and said:  "Looking back on it, .......circumcision
may not have been the best way to  start."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gingerbreadman on February 02, 2011, 03:19:06 PM
There are two muffins baking in an oven. One of the muffins says, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The other muffin looks at the first and says, "Oh, wow! Look! A talking muffin!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 11, 2011, 08:07:59 AM
A retired Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression
that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 12, 2011, 06:55:22 AM
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened..

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.   I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: HoustonDave on February 14, 2011, 07:37:47 PM
Dad blame it Coy....how'd you get that there motorcicle up there on the high dive anyway???
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on February 14, 2011, 07:55:05 PM
Quote from: glenn
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."


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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: HoustonDave on February 14, 2011, 08:22:30 PM
Quote
Understanding Engineers

 ;D

Truth hurts!!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on February 17, 2011, 05:02:46 AM
LITTLE JOHNN Y STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, That was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said …. 'My aunt Rose has a sweater with ten buttons,   but her
boobs are so big she can only "fassen-eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Native_NM on February 18, 2011, 07:58:05 PM
Two engineers and and an accountant are sharing a row on a long flight.  When the engineers find out their fellow passenger is an accountant, they begin snickering and telling accountant jokes.  During the flight, one of the engineers mentions he wants a coke and starts to get up.  The accountant, sitting on the aisle, offers to bring them all a drink.  As he walks off, the engineers notice that he had slipped off his wingtips, and decide to play a joke on him.  One grabs a shoe and spits in it, and the other grabs a shoe and puts a piece of old gum in it.   A few minutes later, the accountant returns with the drinks, and hands them out.  He can't help but notice the two engineers giggling and snickering.  A few minutes later he slips his shoes on, and feels the gum and the spit.  The engineers are laughing uncontrollably.  The accountant looks calmly over and states "My dear friends, how long must this animosity between our professions continue?  The childish games of one-upmanship, the hatred, the hostility and antagonism, the spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 23, 2011, 03:00:23 AM

    Subject: Mid East Threat

    This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if
    United States meddling in Egypt continued they intend to cut off  America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps .

     Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more
    presidents either.

     It's gonna get ugly, people


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on February 24, 2011, 05:35:43 PM
Sleeping with Bob
The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
         
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
       
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.. I watched him all night."
         
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said,
"Man, what happened?"
 
He  said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 25, 2011, 02:11:55 PM
Don't Click the pix - I warned you... [waiting]



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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on February 25, 2011, 08:06:44 PM
Had to chuckle at this.....

A couple days late with this but couldn't pass it up....

Feb 23 1942

The first Japanese attack on the U.S. mainland occurs when an I-17 submarine fires 13 shells at an oil refinery near Goleta, Southern California.

$500 damage was inflicted.

It was not clear why this target was chosen until much later, when it was found that the commander of this particular submarine had visited the site in the 1930's and stumbled into a field of prickly pear cactus.

Captain Nishino never forgave the ridicule he received from his American hosts that day.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on March 04, 2011, 12:23:52 PM
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 04, 2011, 01:07:04 PM
Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 09, 2011, 01:35:02 PM
*Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the “Union Worker”.
It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Alasdair on March 09, 2011, 04:17:01 PM
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD
THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER
AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO
COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE
TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on March 10, 2011, 07:25:25 AM
    Young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
    money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
    and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.**

    **She went to the ***front door***of the first house and asked the
    owner if he had any ***odd jobs***for her to do.**

    **"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
    "How much will you charge me?"**

    **Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"**

    **The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and
    everything she would need were in the garage.**

    **The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
    "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"**

    **"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.**

    **The wife replied, "You're right.  I guess I'm starting to believe
    all those ***dumb blonde jokes***."**

    **A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.**
    **"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.**

    **"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I
    gave it two coats."**

    **Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed
    it to her along with a $10 tip.**
    ****
    ****
    ****
    **"Thank you," the blonde said,  "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
    it's a Lexus.."**

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 17, 2011, 12:59:19 PM
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home.

     "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

 "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
 "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
 So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
 About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.
 "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
 " Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
 "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding!  How do we get Blue in that program?"
 "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
 The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
 So he shoots the dog.
 When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
 "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives  down the street?"
 The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-behive before he talks to your Mother!"
 "I sure did, Dad!"
 "That's my boy!"
 The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington in Congress.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on March 18, 2011, 05:01:19 AM
Thought I'd share a true to life funny from my kids.  Yesterday, my 8 YO daughter comes in from outside with her younger sisters and announces, "Mom, you know how people call people their 'BFFs' and all?  Well, I'm gonna call Evie my BM!  And she's gonna call me her BS!"

I didn't laugh out loud before I asked her what it stood for: "Bunk Mate" and "Big Sister". ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 18, 2011, 09:08:39 AM
That is soooo funny!  Your kids are always coming up w/the darndest sayings!  You could have your own Art Linkletter show "Kids say the darndest things."  That was before your time unless you saw reruns...  used to be one of my favorite shows - even when I was a kid.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on March 23, 2011, 06:39:25 PM
Got this in my email today - since there's a lot of Southerners here, (I was born in Texas) thought you might enjoy  ;D

Alabama
A group of  Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one's gonna  steal Henry!"
 

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the  University of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in  Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
 

Mississippi

The young man from  Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
 
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
 
 
North Carolina
A man in  North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."

 
   
Tennessee
A Tennessee   State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.  The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see that sign right over your head."
 
"Yep," he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: OkieJohn2 on March 29, 2011, 02:14:14 AM
I ran across this in another forum:
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer " Guns" Over Women!

 

 

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason


Why Men Prefer Guns over women ....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: considerations on March 29, 2011, 09:07:22 AM
"Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer " Guns" Over Women!"

You, know of course that this is not really a gender specific list....it could be turned around and be just as amusing

"Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns Over Men"

'nuff said
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: OkieJohn2 on March 31, 2011, 12:21:14 AM
Ah, how true.
What is ironic is the forum I copied this from is eggxpert.com and there is a tendancy for it to be a "boys" club.  There have been several instances when someone will be making a thank you post exclaiming, "Thanks guys" or "Way to go dude" when the person being responded to is a lady. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on April 02, 2011, 12:14:48 PM
I say "you guys" or "thanks guys" frequently - doesn't matter if it's to males or females...   ;D

Here's another joke...

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
    seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
    knocks at the door.


    Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back
    of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
    card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
    laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
    Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for
            I was naked.'

    Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass
    it on for
            'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 17, 2011, 04:57:36 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2Fgoats.jpg&hash=e2e1ec49ad8377fdddd54a17b2b66c2b) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ6xGMSOu1E)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on April 17, 2011, 05:39:55 AM
Great little video!  [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on April 17, 2011, 05:49:42 PM
The old dog walks like our old dog we just brought up here. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on April 21, 2011, 07:20:53 PM
Pretty cute.... ;D
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Native_NM on May 04, 2011, 06:14:40 PM
I just heard they named a new drink in honor of the Navy Seals - the bin Laden.  The ingredients are simple:   two shots and splash of water. 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: muldoon on May 05, 2011, 12:15:16 PM
oh boy nm... 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on May 09, 2011, 04:13:39 AM
Yesterday, we were working in the garden and had a sprinkler going.  A ruby-throated humming bird came to drink while we were there and my middle daughter exclaimed, "Look!  A redneck hummingbird!!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: rick91351 on May 17, 2011, 02:36:01 AM

GOD said ....

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on May 22, 2011, 06:53:09 PM
Float Alone
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.  The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"  "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on May 29, 2011, 07:04:56 AM
 Could this be true? I'd say so.
>
> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
>
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
>
> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
>
> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
>
> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
>
> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
>
> And....
>
> 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
>
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
>
> The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
>
> There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on June 01, 2011, 07:03:15 AM
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Texas Tornado on June 23, 2011, 05:33:06 PM
Guess what the product is before the end  ;)
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on June 29, 2011, 11:53:50 AM
Ha ha ha, thanks for posting.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on July 07, 2011, 04:55:13 PM
Email from a rebellious old Navy Friend.....

5 Year Old's First Job

Here's  a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and  spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly  replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the  teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Kind of  brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Native_NM on July 07, 2011, 05:29:09 PM
That was a good one.  Them Navy guys are funny.  Here is another old Navy joke:

A piece of string walks into the bar on the wharf right after a merchant marine ship docks.  The place is packed, and every spot is taken.  He sits down and says "I'll have a beer.".  The bartender looks over and tells him "hey, get the heck out of here. We don't serve your kind here.". The string walks back to the pier and sees two pieces of rope from a Navy frigate walking toward him. As they pass, the string smarts off, and the two pieces of rope grab him. A huge fight ensues, and the rope beats the string to pieces.  The string walks away, a twisted wreck. 

He passes the same bar and decides to try again. He sits down at the bar and says "I'll have a beer!". The bartender looks him up and down for a second and finally says " Hey, aren't you that piece of string I kicked out a while ago?".  The string looks back and says "no, I'm a frayed knot."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on August 03, 2011, 04:16:20 PM
 
From the BBC - by John Cleese.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
 
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Ticked Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on August 04, 2011, 07:26:32 AM
N RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...

THE DOG IS NOT FOR  SALE  !!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on August 07, 2011, 08:03:36 PM
Gary O; that's too funny.    Right on re the French, IMO.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on August 08, 2011, 07:14:46 AM
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population  ???


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.  d*
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on August 22, 2011, 07:18:45 AM
Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares (flowers) in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on August 24, 2011, 12:16:46 PM
The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. :o
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on August 25, 2011, 02:45:51 PM
The economy is so bad....
oh, this is too good.....
gotta frwd
TY gandalfthegrey
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on August 26, 2011, 03:32:18 PM


OK, this may have already been posted, so I looked…….hand fell asleep at the little wheel after page 8 of the 50 here.
So, even though I hate redundant repetitive recurring cyclic duplication….and jokes that are too lengthy as lengthy jokes are usually found not worthy after taking 10 minutes out of my life to read…….
These are neat Paraprosdokian sentences. Some new, some old.....
A paraprosdokian sentence is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning, creating a syllepsis.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine



 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on August 26, 2011, 05:28:46 PM
 [cool]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Homegrown Tomatoes on August 27, 2011, 09:31:21 AM
We were on our way home from our local beekeeper's meeting the other night and got off the interstate to fill up with gas.  There at the truck stop closest the exit, was a prostitute walking up and down the road by the exit ramp trying to catch the truckers on the offramp.  I muttered something to my husband about it, and my oldest daughter, 8, piped up from the back seat, "Mama, what on earth is that woman doing?"  I just said, "Something illegal" rather than trying to explain.  There was about a five second pause before she gasped and said, "She JAYWALKED?!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 03, 2011, 05:22:11 AM
I saw a few of those Jaywalkers when I was trucking.... darn them.....

Posted by a friend on FB

I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me (embarrassed) : "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me (attitude): "Hell No,
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: NM_Shooter on September 03, 2011, 10:51:44 AM
Man goes to doctor, doc tells him "I have bad news.  You are dying."

Man understandably is alarmed... he asks "Doc, how long do I have?"

Doc says "10".

Man says "10 What?  Don't toy with me doc, this is serious."

Doc says "9".
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 04, 2011, 08:52:26 AM
Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Florida.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of  distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
 
 
 
 
 
 
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
 
 
   
 
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on September 08, 2011, 11:56:59 AM
When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an
era before the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill &
Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you
poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir,
you will either die on the gallows or of
some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,
"whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter
Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none
of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have
read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word
that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your
book; I'll waste no time reading it." -
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a
nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark
Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely
disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first
night of my new play; bring a friend.... if
you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second....
if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's
almost like having you here." - Stephen
Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his
creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's
hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the
cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine
to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
always yielded easily." - Charles, Count
Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to
him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an
envelope without any address on it?" -
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts... for support rather than
illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy
Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho
Marx
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on September 20, 2011, 03:53:58 PM
Thanks Gary O - great stuff.

Here is one I got today...

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
 - Ellen Goodman
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on September 20, 2011, 04:22:43 PM
Oh man, that is just as true as ironically funny

....and being a one time avid golfer, I know irony

Most foursomes consist of four sardonic, sarcastic, acerb, sportsmen of the lowest caliber, and they are the greatest

Some golf truisms (BEEN AROUND)

 1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2. The game of golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.
 
3. Because bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8. When your shot has to carry a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple-bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on September 21, 2011, 06:45:35 AM
This might be old, but I just got it and have to share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw&feature=player_embedded

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on September 28, 2011, 10:19:51 PM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2F2012.jpg&hash=c14eb6fe20e6c361d84af38f3661cee5)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on October 01, 2011, 06:01:24 AM

"The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on October 01, 2011, 06:07:03 AM
 rofl darn funny, and sadly true!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: MountainDon on October 11, 2011, 09:20:35 AM
BAD Parrot
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Native_NM on October 11, 2011, 11:33:42 AM
 [rofl2] [rofl2] [rofl2]
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Native_NM on October 11, 2011, 11:57:57 AM

Don, that reminds of this one:

Johnny was having a heck of a time with math.  His parents were worried; they had tried everything, but he still struggled.

One of their friends suggested Catholic school, as the class sizes were smaller, and the teachers were well respected.  The family was atheists, but in the interest of their child's education, they agreed to try.  They knew nothing about religion, but the school welcomed the new student and promised to take good care of him.

The first day home from his new school, Johnny runs upstairs and starts studying his math.  Two solid hours.  Downstairs for dinner, and back upstairs to study some more.  His parents are amazed and shocked.  The next day was a repeat of the first.  For the next month, in fact, he comes home every day and studies math.  They barely see him.

As he heads out to school one morning, he tells his parents "I have a big test today.  I hope I see you tonight."  His parents exchange weird glances as Johnny heads off to school.  That night, Johnny comes home, tells his parents he got an "A", and heads back up to study.  Curiosity has finally got the best of them, and they head upstairs to talk.

"So tell us about this sudden interest in math, son.  We have to know.  Is it the smaller class sizes?" says dad.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"The instructors, they must spend a lot of individual time with you then." says mom.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"Well then they must have a different way of teaching than your last school..." says mom.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"Well then why the sudden change?", asks his dad.

     "Well", says Johnny, "They told me the first day that it was going to be harder than public school, and that they were serious about education and all that usual BS.  But when we went to mass after lunch the first day and I saw that guy nailed to the giant plus sign I knew they meant business!"






Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on October 19, 2011, 06:46:39 PM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.  Nothing is moving.
 Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the      window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
 
 "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
 The man replies, "About a gallon
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: John Raabe on October 22, 2011, 06:04:30 AM
• For Fun - from the Oct 24 New Yorker, p. 36, "Dear Mountain Room Parents" on the perils of email and Halloween.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/10/24/111024sh_shouts_semple
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on October 22, 2011, 08:33:09 PM
 [rofl2] 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on October 24, 2011, 05:09:20 AM


"Barack Obama meets the queen of England":

"He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please.Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden , his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot !! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C. "

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Redoverfarm on October 26, 2011, 10:34:44 AM
A SENIOR MOMENT


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irrate customer calling the Toronto Star newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the Star employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ....."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on October 26, 2011, 05:35:33 PM
Y’know John, that’s probably even a true story, and those are the best.
Worked at an emergency call center on a 2nd job, graveyard.
In the early hours one morn, an aged office gal whipped in, put her fingers to her lips, silencing us dispatchers, and commenced to set up a surprise birthday party, cake, decorations, ribbons hanging from the ceiling, tossing confetti on and around the birthday boss’s desk, humming away gleefully as she built quite a lather getting it all done before everyone arrived.
Then she was gone, kinda like santa.
In a matter of moments, we noticed the main office lights go back on.
There she was, taking all the stuff back down. Seems she discovered the Sunday paper at the front door.
S’pose she coulda left it all for 24 hrs, but as she was vacuuming away at the confetti, told me her boss was known to pop in on the weekends, holding me to a vow of silence.
She left, muttering something about ‘no wonder the traffic was so light’
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 05, 2011, 06:30:52 AM
(https://countryplans.com/smf/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi778.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fyy62%2Fthe_troglodyte%2F315042_180022438749330_174252539326.jpg&hash=f4570f1d09becb088e18cd949b383b4e)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 07, 2011, 01:48:03 PM
Dad's reply
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: glenn kangiser on November 08, 2011, 09:38:51 PM
New study suggests people who feel lonely don't sleep as soundly as others cuz it's hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on November 09, 2011, 05:58:24 AM
“As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.”

One of Jack handy's Deep Thoughts
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 09, 2011, 06:55:33 PM
The Last Word

           An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio,
Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the
only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

             He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.

             As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his
face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

             The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

             The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No
son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

             A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and
said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started
shooting at the old man's feet.

             The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

             Everybody standing around was laughing.

             When his last bullet had been fired, the young
gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon.

             The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

             The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

             The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he
turned around very slowly.

             The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the
young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of
those twin 12 gauge barrels.

             The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old
man's hands, as he quietly said;

             "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

             The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but
... I've always wanted to"

             There are a few lessons for all of us here:

             * Don't be arrogant.
             * Don't waste ammunition.
             * Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
             * Always make sure you know who is in control.
             * And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
               they didn't get old by being stupid.

             I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 14, 2011, 10:55:24 PM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on November 21, 2011, 09:34:25 AM
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on November 29, 2011, 11:08:26 AM
This one's been around, but it's just so darn fitting;


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men

along the road-side eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to

eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the

lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,al so."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife and six children with me!"

 

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as

large as the limousine.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The

grass is almost a foot high."

 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on November 29, 2011, 05:46:44 PM
Sorry, but I just can't believe that. There is no way a lawyer would be that nice,
even for a free lawn mowing.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on November 30, 2011, 04:28:19 AM
Sorry, but I just can't believe that. There is no way a lawyer would be that nice,
even for a free lawn mowing.
Well then, I guess you'll have just as hard of a time digesting the fact that he even reduced his consulting fee while in the limo to a group rate.........yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Windpower on December 06, 2011, 07:58:13 AM

Exercise after 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm now at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each bag.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on December 06, 2011, 03:51:45 PM
I am impressed! You can actually hold your arms straight out for a whole minute?
I need to practise more.
Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: gandalfthegrey on December 14, 2011, 08:27:11 AM
While creating wives,
God promised men that
good and obedient wives
would be found in all
corners of the world.



 
 
And then He made the earth round.
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Gary O on December 22, 2011, 05:28:44 AM
Stole this from a dear friend of another forum.

Christmas letters are sometimes heart warming, and the updates are quite informative;


From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Rob_O on December 23, 2011, 02:16:28 PM
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social
session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: a couple
of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few
too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but
knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back
safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had
never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.

Happy Holidays everyone, drive safely!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on December 28, 2011, 10:36:17 AM
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reserve in Alberta asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called Environment Canada and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called Environment Canada again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at Environment Canada again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called Environment Canada again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Whitlock on January 18, 2012, 01:31:08 PM
 I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.  It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.  It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it slime green with pink trim.

The City Council told me, "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country.  It's the Government I'm afraid of...
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: firefox on January 19, 2012, 03:22:49 PM
That is too close to the truth to be funny >:(
Bruce
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Sassy on January 19, 2012, 07:24:21 PM
My brother sent me this...
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED
 
     
        DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
         
        WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
         
        SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

        PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

        BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

        HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

        VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

        TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

        HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

        BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to conv