Author Topic: Humor  (Read 322510 times)

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Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1125 on: November 06, 2016, 04:43:10 PM »
An old joke rehashed:


Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.


As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. The Donald says to Hillary, “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”


Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “What did you do with the pastries?” Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”.
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline cbc58

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1126 on: February 15, 2017, 02:08:20 PM »
Ol' Blue


A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here in
Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says.
"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again
ran out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his
father asked..

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just
won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started
to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
program?"

"Just send $2,500 and I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the
end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read. So. he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
and hear him talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning,
just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is
your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who
lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before
he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to become a lawyer, then later on a member of congress...

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1127 on: March 07, 2017, 09:10:52 PM »
That one is entirely believable. :)
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline tigrr

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1128 on: February 15, 2018, 08:17:10 PM »
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’


Long range shooting is my passion, house building keeps me out of mischief.

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1129 on: February 02, 2019, 02:00:47 PM »
Just got a book at Ikea....

Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline akwoodchuck

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1130 on: February 03, 2019, 10:40:28 AM »
"The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne."

Offline katty81

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1131 on: February 14, 2019, 05:59:59 AM »
strange no funny gifs here?

Offline katty81

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1132 on: February 14, 2019, 06:20:47 AM »

Offline maureenowaters

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1133 on: February 07, 2020, 01:59:39 AM »
Everything is fair and war...

Offline old_guy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1134 on: February 10, 2020, 12:15:25 PM »
It was pointed out to me the other day that I didn't actually get smarter as I aged, I just ran out of stupid things to do.

Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1135 on: July 02, 2020, 04:18:04 AM »
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500". The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why …

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Mam, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"


The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.

"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.

 The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

 

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