Author Topic: Humor  (Read 308392 times)

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #175 on: March 24, 2008, 01:11:52 PM »
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that  her mother had several strands of white  hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and  make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'    The  little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,  'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are  white?'





A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"


« Last Edit: March 24, 2008, 07:21:49 PM by Redoverfarm »

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #176 on: March 24, 2008, 08:41:16 PM »
You know, John -- It sounded familiar to me too --- I failed to re-read the older posts.  I thought it was funny both times though.  rofl.

I was thinking about that very problem and wondering if I had posted another joke before.  I think If we have a question we should just go ahead and git 'er done. 

I was thinking that we would probably all crack up if we went back through the old postings.  Good Collection -- thanks for the hard work, John C.

It's cool because Sassy always forgets the jokes too.  She can laugh at the same joke every couple of days. ::)

So without looking back:

Three old men were discussing the problems of growing old.

The first one says "Yup, yup, yup --- since I got my prostate problem it takes me an hour to tinkle in the morning."

Not to be outdone, the second one says, "Well you think that's bad, sometimes I just have to sit there on the can for a couple hours, just trying to pass the big one."

The third old fella was kind of quiet for a minute then finally added his 2 cents. "We'll, I have no problem taking a leak.  6AM just like clockwork...every day.  Number two --- no problem.  By about 6:30 the deed is done."

Well, the other two looked at him -- "Thats not so bad -- whats the problem?"

He kind of looked down at the floor and said, "The problem is, I don't wake up until 8."

"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline sparks

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Re: Humor
« Reply #177 on: March 24, 2008, 09:45:24 PM »
   There's this guy out one day raking his lawn at his new home out in the sticks.

   And a car comes roaring up the road then comes to a dusty stop. The driver yells out ' Howdy neighbor, new here?'

   'Yup, been wantin' to git out to these parts for a long time'

    Then the driver says he's having a party at his place down the road later on that evening.

    ' Oh, yeah, what kinda party?'

    "Just the usual kind....you know...eating...drinking..games...party stuff....maybe even some fightin'... and
   
     love makin'

     And the guy leans on his rake and says "sounds like my kind of party, what should I wear?"

     "Don't matter, just gonna be you and me"

     
My vessel is so small....the seas so vast......

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #178 on: March 25, 2008, 05:53:31 AM »
 [shocked] [scared]
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #179 on: March 25, 2008, 05:17:04 PM »
   Another Dream shattered



Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!
                             Wouldn't you know it ?

Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #180 on: March 25, 2008, 06:02:56 PM »
 Bill and Hillary are at a Yankee's home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
 
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
 
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
 
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
 
Bill hesitates!... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
 
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.
 
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
 
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
 
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
 
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
 
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?
 
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #181 on: March 25, 2008, 07:20:48 PM »
   Another Dream shattered



Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!
                             Wouldn't you know it ?

That would be my luck.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #182 on: March 25, 2008, 07:23:41 PM »
Bill and Hillary are at a Yankee's home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
 
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill.
 
At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
 
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
 
Bill hesitates!... But begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
 
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok! If that is what the people want.
 
Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
 
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you !"$#@&!&! The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.
 
Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.
 
He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
 
Noticing that the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong?
 
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"

Homegrown, that was great.  rofl      [rofl2]
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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John_C

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Re: Humor
« Reply #183 on: March 25, 2008, 07:36:41 PM »
They shoulda been sitting in a sky box.   [cool]

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #184 on: March 26, 2008, 03:38:58 AM »
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other night a gal I know was invited out for a night with the "girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, She headed for home. Just as She got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning her husband asked what time she got in, She told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least. "Whew, I got away with that one!" she thought. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleare d its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #185 on: March 26, 2008, 07:05:24 AM »
[rofl2]
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #186 on: March 27, 2008, 11:09:49 AM »
An engineering grad student is walking across campus one day when a gorgeous blonde rides up on a really cool electric assisted bicycle.  She unzips the front of her jumpsuit and tells the young man in a seductive voice, "Take whatever you want."  The engineer scratches his head and says, "Gee, thanks a lot."  Then he hops on her bicycle and rides off.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #187 on: March 27, 2008, 01:26:33 PM »
Italian Boy's Confession



 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.


 The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'
 'Yes, Father, it is.'
 'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'


 ' Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
 As well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

 'I cannot say.'

 'Was it Teresa Volpe?'

 'I'll never tell.'

 'Was it Nina Capelli?'

 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

 'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

 'My lips are sealed.'

 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

 The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
 And I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
 You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
 Yourself.'

 Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
 Whispers, 'What'd you get?'

 '4 months vacation and five good leads.'

 


Offline Drew

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Re: Humor
« Reply #188 on: March 28, 2008, 03:32:34 PM »
What did the cannibal have for lunch?

A Sam handwich!

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #189 on: March 28, 2008, 09:00:42 PM »
George Bush walks into the doctors office with a frog stuck to his forehead.

Doc looks at him and says, "What seems to be the problem?"

Frog looks at him and asks, "Could you remove this wart from my butt?" hmm
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #190 on: April 03, 2008, 11:15:18 AM »
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 



Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #191 on: April 03, 2008, 07:28:15 PM »
rofl
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #192 on: April 04, 2008, 06:44:45 PM »
Dec 8
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

Dec 9
Woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

Dec 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

Dec 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

Dec 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

Dec 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very just cruel.

Dec 17
Way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

Dec 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.

Dec 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.

Dec 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

Dec 24
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

Dec 25
Merry  Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an' idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

Dec 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

Dec 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

Dec 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She’s driving me crazy!

Dec 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

Dec 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

Dec 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. Screw Bob, to heck with the wife!

Jan 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
My God…Why am I tied to the bed?
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #193 on: April 04, 2008, 07:06:05 PM »
It only took a month-- glad I don't have much snow.  Just filed the sights off my gun barrel in case a bear shows up.  I don't know about that shovel thing.
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Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #194 on: April 04, 2008, 07:10:22 PM »
I have the same snow shovel we bought in 1976 when we bought our first house. The blade is an inch or more shorter than it was when new. Worn off against the concrete.

Probably haven't used it half quarter as much in 23 years here as the 9 years back home.
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

John_C

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Re: Humor
« Reply #195 on: April 04, 2008, 07:25:10 PM »
There is a Family Dollar store in the strip mall where I have my office here in N. GA.  Every year corporate sends the store another box of snow shovels in anticipation of winter.  Seems they have been piling up in the store room for a few years as no one ever buys a snow shovel.  This year, in an effort to regain some storage space, the new manager put a couple boxes of them by the door with a sign "Free, take one". 
A week later he took all of them to the Goodwill store. Not a single snow shovel went out the door even for free. 

Snow shovels are not what you would call a popular item in the South. 

Offline StinkerBell

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Re: Humor
« Reply #196 on: April 04, 2008, 07:40:16 PM »
I think its a marketing issue John C. They should have said "Free Pooper Scoopers"

John_C

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Re: Humor
« Reply #197 on: April 04, 2008, 07:49:22 PM »
I'll mention it to him on Monday.  This is a rural area, people don't scoop after pets. The poop shovels and pitchforks are heavy duty items, a lot stouter than those snow shovels. 

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #198 on: April 05, 2008, 08:42:52 AM »
Two  women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as

her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize,

" Please allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd  allow me," she told him.  "Oh, no, I'll be

all right. I'll be fine in a  few minutes", the man replied.  He was in

obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands

together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed

her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened

his pants and put her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful

massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 

He replied, "It feels great .....but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 


Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #199 on: April 05, 2008, 01:55:37 PM »
I think its a marketing issue John C. They should have said "Free Pooper Scoopers"
My husband moved ours with us from Wisconsin, and I asked him if that's what he was intending to use it for, because we seldom have enough snow here to bother with a shovel. 

 

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