Author Topic: Humor  (Read 305355 times)

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #100 on: February 14, 2008, 05:26:51 PM »
 
Two boys were walking home fro m Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
 
One said to the other, 'What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?'
 
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #101 on: February 15, 2008, 01:57:48 PM »
Now this is a dog that loves snow or is nuts





Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #102 on: February 15, 2008, 08:09:52 PM »
Wow-- the canine snowplow.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #103 on: February 15, 2008, 08:17:16 PM »
Way cool dog!
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #104 on: February 15, 2008, 08:43:08 PM »
...and all my dogs know how to do is eat horse manure and cow manure. 

Yesterday out in the country they thought they were at an all you can eat Smörgåsbord. They were chowing down like fiends when I finally saw them and made them stop.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #105 on: February 16, 2008, 02:29:15 AM »
Glenn mine do the same thing.  Doesn't bother me for the outside dog but the house dog usually gets sick from it.  And of course they usually find some or something of unsavorable smell to roll in.  They will do it everytime.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #106 on: February 16, 2008, 07:32:16 AM »
...you got it, John.  As long as they don't try to give me a kiss.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #107 on: February 20, 2008, 11:55:34 AM »
''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young”I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to weddings and funerals.I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior, in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who drugged us! 

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #108 on: February 23, 2008, 03:59:20 PM »
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
 

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #109 on: February 26, 2008, 05:37:42 PM »
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.


If you can't eat it or play with it,
piss on it and walk away.


Offline Drew

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Re: Humor
« Reply #110 on: February 28, 2008, 01:29:00 PM »
Life Explained:

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that i s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #111 on: February 28, 2008, 01:39:32 PM »
 rofl

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #112 on: March 01, 2008, 05:59:36 AM »
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
 
Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
 
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.
 
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
 
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
 
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws).
 
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
 
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
 
Sincerely,
 
A Satisfied Taxpayer



Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #113 on: March 01, 2008, 07:19:59 AM »

E-mail rec'd from BIL


Subject: Quick Emergency Room Visit

EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues
and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the
front of my shirt.
 
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
 
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
quicker emergency service.

"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #114 on: March 02, 2008, 03:52:31 AM »
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's Morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his p ickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love George!   
 


Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #115 on: March 02, 2008, 05:46:26 AM »
Good ol' George. rofl
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Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #116 on: March 02, 2008, 06:28:15 AM »
 ;D  That's great... we had a Mildred in the church I grew up in, too.  She and her husband used to go fishing and play dominoes with my grandparents.  My grandpa was like George... quiet, and I think I only saw him really mad once in my life.  Well, we were at the lake with "Mildred" and her husband Bill and "Mildred" (obviously not her real name to protect the not-so-innocent) popped off something about how she wasn't sure she wanted to get in Grandpa's boat because it stunk like stink bait.  Without looking at all disturbed, Grandpa looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and softly said, "Well, I'm not sure I want you in my boat... big as you are, you might sink it."  It shut her up fast... I'd never seen this woman at a loss for words before that.  Another time after "Mildred" had lost a bunch of weight after having gastric bypass.  They were at Grandma and Grandpa's playing dominoes and Mildred was flouncing around and acting like a thirteen-year-old school flirt and said to Grandpa, "Don't you wish your wife was as skinny as me?"  Without looking up from his game, Grandpa replied, "I'm just glad she doesn't look like a dried up wrinkly prune like you."  Again, she was totally at a loss for words... gotta love those people who don't say much but boy do they have some zingers when they're needed and appropriate.  Grandpa was the only person I ever saw get the best of our local Mildred.

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #117 on: March 02, 2008, 08:56:22 AM »
 rofl rofl rofl
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #118 on: March 05, 2008, 03:51:28 PM »
In  Florida, an atheist became incensed over the
> preparation of Easter and
> Passover holidays He decided to contact his lawyer
> about the  discrimination
> inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations
> afforded to Christians
> and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had
> no holiday to celebrate.
>
>
> The case was brought  before a judge. After
> listening to the long passionate
> presentation  by the lawyer, the Judge banged his
> gavel and declared, 'Case
> dismissed!'
>
> The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
> ruling and said, 'Your
> honor, how can you possibly dismiss this  case? The
> Christians have
> Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews
> have Passover, Yom
> Kippur and Hanukkah...yet my  client and all other
> atheists have no such
> holiday!'
>
> The  judge leaned forward in his chair and simply
> said, 'Obviously your
> client is too confused to even know about, much less
> celebrate his  own
> atheists' holiday!'
>
> The lawyer pompously said, 'Your  Honor, we are
> unaware of any such holiday
> for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your
> Honor?'
>
> The judge said, 'Well it  comes every year on
> exactly the same date---April
> 1st! Since our  calendar sets April 1st as 'April
> Fools Day,' consider that
> Psalm  14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart,
> there is no God.' Thus, in
> my opinion, if your client says there is no God,
> then by  scripture , he is
> a fool, and April 1st is his holiday!  Now have a
> good day and get out of my
> courtroom!!
>
> Way  to go, Judge!   
>
>               AMEN

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #119 on: March 05, 2008, 08:34:20 PM »
Good one, Red!  You could give Glenn a run for his money in the stories & joke dept!   c*
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #120 on: March 06, 2008, 02:30:42 AM »
History happened on July 8, 1947

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, just over 60 Years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S Air Force and other federal Agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
       
         Albert A. Gore, Jr.
         Hillary Rodham
         John F. Kerry
         William J. Clinton
         Howard Dean
         Nancy Pelosi
         Dianne Feinstein
         Charles E. Schumer
         Barbara Boxer
       
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.

It did for me.

Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #121 on: March 06, 2008, 04:53:50 AM »
 rofl rofl rofl  I needed a good laugh this morning.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #122 on: March 06, 2008, 03:56:54 PM »
MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
>>
>>     'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
>>
>>     'Yes. What can I do for you?'
>>
>>     'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
>> marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
>> them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
>>
>>     'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
>>
>>     The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
>> search the shed where the firewood is kept .
>>     Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
>> marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
>>
>>     Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
>>
>>     'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
>>
>>     'Yeah!'
>>
>>     'Did they chop your firewood?'
>>
>>     'Yep!'
>>
>>     'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
>>
>>     (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)






Offline ScottA

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Re: Humor
« Reply #123 on: March 06, 2008, 04:11:27 PM »
That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #124 on: March 07, 2008, 12:10:34 AM »
That's great, but around here past policy had the Sheriffs in charge of the Mary Jane farms.  I'm afraid to ask if that's still the policy.  How do you get them to chop the wood?
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