Humor

[harry51]

Humor on the economy from Fred Thompson:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IrR3o7x1ps

[firefox]

New Dewalt Nail Gun

The new nail gun, made by Dewalt can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get the wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax with a cold drink. When she has the board in the right place just fire away.. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else.

Not sure if this is new, but does sound good if you are a good shot...

[muldoon]

SUNDAY CLOTHES

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,'
Answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church.
Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl.
'What about you? '

'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,'
Replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way
So they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,'
Replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
Off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy.
'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.  They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:


'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a
BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!

[muldoon]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her..

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[diyfrank]

From the wife..


"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s*!t."

[Redoverfarm]

SUNDAY PAPER

For all of us who are  seniors - for all of you who know  seniors - and for all of you who will be  seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it  when you are!

And, speaking of  senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY  paper?!" The irate customer calling the  newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to  know where her Sunday edition  was.

"Madam", said the  newspaper employee,   "today is Saturday.  The Sunday paper is not delivered until  tomorrow, on  SUNDAY".

There was quite a  long pause on the other end of the phone,  followed by a ray of recognition as she was  heard to mutter,   



"Well, shit.... so that's  why no one was at church today".

[glenn kangiser]

Sent by a friend

[Ernest T. Bass]

 

[Drew]

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

My mom didn't have to go to work today because she couldn't get out of her driveway because of the ice.  So, she called me a little while ago to read "Dear Abby" out of the paper to me because she thought it was funny.  Seems a while back, some girls wrote in to Dear Abby complaining that their mom didn't want them wearing thong underwear, so she asked her readers what they thought.  One letter caught mom's attention.  The lady said that when she was a newlywed, her husband gave her some money and told her to go buy "thongs".  The only thongs she knew of were flip-flop sandals, so she went and bought a pair of bright red ones.  She was surprised when her husband asked her to model them, but did it anyway.  She wrote that the look on her husband's face was priceless.  After he explained, she realized that she HAD seen thong underwear before, but had always assumed that they were "jock straps for transvestites"!  (At this point in mom's reading, I choked and almost blew popcorn out my nose.)  Anyway, the woman signed it, "Thongs are Wrong".     

[glenn kangiser]

Those were fuuuunnnny

[glenn kangiser]

got e-mail again - probably everyone got it? 



"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

    "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
    "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    "Q. Where will the government get this money?
    "A. From taxpayers.

    "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
    "A. Only a smidgen.

    "Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
    "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    "A.  Shut up."


    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

    If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .

    If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

    If you purchase a computer it will go to India .

    If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).


    If you buy a car it will go to Japan .

    If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

    And none of it will help the American economy.

    We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or  tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

[Sonoran]

So when I buy a TV at bestbuy, no American's get any money? 
What about a Japanese car?
Let's think about this...Japanese cars are made in America.  They need a factory.  Who gets the money for building that?  Who makes the materials to build the factory, and later the cars in the factory?  Who works at the factory?

"Since the first Honda plant sprouted in Ohio in 1982, foreign auto makers have dotted the American landscape with 10 auto assembly plants and scores of parts plants. "America is the No. 1 auto-producing nation again because the international auto makers have come here," says Philip Hutchinson, executive director of the foreign auto makers trade group.

Moreover, the foreign carmakers have become a significant part of the overall U.S. economy. The study found that foreign auto factories in the U.S. have created 1.3 million jobs and $50 billion in annual compensation. That amounts to 1% of total U.S. private-sector jobs and 1.3% of private-sector compensation. Says Cole: "Those who make policy in our country should not underestimate how important this industry is to our economy." Indeed, the transplants have taken root."

http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/mar1998/nf80330a.htm

[glenn kangiser]

I think it's mostly American things that aren't made in America, Sonoran.

As soon as they finalize our third world country status and we will work for minimum wage the jobs that aren't cheaper to do overseas will be back here.

The big business - CEO's are more concerned about the world economy than they are about American jobs as most of them are global. 

I think they rather exaggerated the e-mail for the humor aspect.

[MountainDon]

Foreign owned companies with manufacturing facilities in the USA may not be as beneficial to the US economy as if the manufacturing facility was wholy owned by an American firm.

The reason being that the accountants can play funny games. Some companies have been caught at it. Many years ago when there were VCR's still being made/assembles in the USA (yes, I'm that old) some of the parts used came from Japanese factories. The prices on some of those were being inflated in the books. That reduced the amount of corporate tax being paid in the US. It allowed more money to go to Japan.

Not all the parts that go into a USA or Canadian manufactured Honda originate within the USA. Some come from Japan' I forget which ones in our Civic are Japanese. So it would be possible to play games. I have no idea if they, or anyone else does, just pointing out it's possible.

[Redoverfarm]

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

[glenn kangiser]

A humorous little video about the California Tax situation - sent to me by one of my septic money grab activist friends...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8btItth-9fM

Now if only it was not true - it could be funny...

[Sonoran]

I was applying for jobs yesterday evening.  I saw a man walking through the parking lot as I was stepping out of my car.  He started walking towards me and asked me for money when he got close. Said he was trying to put together a meal.

I said..."you know what I'm doing...I'm applying for jobs right now."   Even after I said this, he still asked for a little change.  I still refused.

First of all...what part of, I don't have a job therefore I'm in no condition to lend money did I not portray in my statement.  Second,  I don't have money, therefore I am applying for a job!

I was afraid it may have come off wrong, like I'm slamming him for not getting a job. My wife said it didn't.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

A craigslist posting someone found and linked.  To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)  Reply to: pers-982078099@craigslist.org  Date:2009-01-06, 3:43AM EST  I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message.  I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?  I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.  So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.  If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!  Alex

[glenn kangiser]

Cool

[MountainDon]

The Decision.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did.....better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops"

[Redoverfarm]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
Came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials
for his home. She read 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
Straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would
have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

[glenn kangiser]

email again ...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress.. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

" The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

[MountainDon]

An atheist was walking through the woods. 
'What majestic trees'! 
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look.
He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his
shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even
closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right
paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came
out of the sky.  'You deny my existence for all these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit
creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer'? 

The atheist looked directly into the light,
'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you
to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could
make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw
brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy
bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'   

[Redoverfarm]

The Zipper 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to disc over that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin , she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of t he bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,

but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'