Humor

[glenn kangiser]

A while - I haven't put the motor on the mower yet....

[Sassy]

The Haircut


One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The congressman was very happy and left
the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
The citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
   

[glenn kangiser]

 MARIJUANA
FILLED
FIREWOOD

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith. He's hidin'

marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he
gets it inside

them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on
Virgil's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the

Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun !!!!)

[Whitlock]

A woman from Los Angeles , CA  who was a tree hugger, a democrat,  and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.  In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a Doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.  She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, What took you so long?  He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.  I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


GOD BLESS AMERICA

[glenn kangiser]

Whitlock sent me some medical info....









Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn.  And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
     
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[ScottA]

 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Another true story, because sometimes the truth is funnier/stranger than things you could  make up!!

On Easter, I had my kids call my dad and stepmom to tell them happy Easter and to thank them for the presents they'd sent in the mail.   My stepmom wanted to talk to me, and I could tell from the get go that she was ticked off.  My mind was racing, wondering what I'd done this time....  Turns out, my aunt (Dad's sister) had stopped by to see them that day.  She and I are friends on facebook (something I question the wisdom of, even though I always enjoy chatting with her.)  My stepmom demanded to know if it was true that we were getting beehives.  I told her yes.  She started yelling, "Why the @#$% would you do something like that???!!!"  Still confused and wondering how she could possibly be mad about the bees, I feebly answered, "Ummm... for the honey."  Her response, "IS THAT REALLY WHY YOU'RE GETTING THEM???!!!"  I told her yes, and that local honey is expensive, but helps our allergies, so we decided to try to produce our own, and were hopeful that we'd someday have surplus to provide a little extra income.  She yelled at me for the next ten minutes or so.... and finally, I figured out the reason she was mad (if it can be called a reason!!)  My dad is severely allergic to bees (so am I... that's what epi pens are for!)  and she somehow got it in her head that we were getting the bees to keep my dad away, something that was entirely unnecessary as he has never been to our house in the year plus we've lived here!!  I guess in the few hours she'd had to stew on it in her self-centered universe, she'd decided it was my elaborate murder plot against my dad or something!!!!  I think that the fact that I kept laughing only made her madder, but it was impossible not to!  I kept thinking, she's joking, surely....  Nope, I'm a terrible daughter, certainly a terrible parent for endangering my children by allowing them to learn about beekeeping, and just all around a terrible person!   Even after reminding her that it was a feral bee in their own yard tha tnearly killed dad last time, she kept ranting.  Sometimes there is just no reasoning with an unreasonable person.

[Ernest T. Bass]

Ick.. Doesn't sound like a real funny situation to me. Sorry that you have people like that to deal with.. I've got two buzzing packages coming in a week or two!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I bet the mailman is anxious to get that off his hands!  Well, it isn't funny, and it is funny at the same time.  The randomness of her thought processes astounds me.  How do you make the leap from keeping honey bees all the way to plotting murder and mayhem? 

[Whitlock]

Pastor's Business Card


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. 


Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.


When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'


Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.  Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'  Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

[Sassy]

   good one!

[Redoverfarm]

When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...



A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[Redoverfarm]

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and
cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged

him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed

the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not
gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

"Nope....You are!  I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"

[Redoverfarm]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."   She said I

    wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
     
    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite
    animal.  I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of
    PETA.   He said they love animals very much. I do, too.  Especially chicken, pork and beef.
     

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.  I told him what happened, and he laughed too.  Then he told me not to do it again.
     
    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken.  She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.  So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again.  He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
     
    I don't understand.  My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.  Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
     
    I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
     
     
     
    Blessed Are the Cracked - For They Let In the Light
     

[John Raabe]

Dumb builder video clips on YouTube. Don't try these at home! (Actually, some are pretty easy to do.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zHuAo-QomM

[diyfrank]

Stupid is as stupid does. 

[glenn kangiser]

Fortunately there is not always a video camera around when I do stupid stuff....

[John Raabe]

Yep, imagine if cameras followed us everywhere... we could all edit our life down to 5 minutes of "My Most Stupid Mistakes!".

Would you watch it? Would you share it with your spouse and kids?

(Personally, 5 min isn't enough)

[firefox]

(Personally, 5 min isn't enough)

Are you bragging or complaining John?

Bruce

[John Raabe]

[glenn kangiser]

I have been working with Jose all week, but from the titles of the guys standing there, I think you would have to name me Hose "B"

[glenn kangiser]

[Sassy]

Men vs. Women


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
 

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to

leave, because otherwise, they were all going to fall.

 
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching

speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a

woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in

general and she was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

 
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

True story:  Today, my oldest daughter asked the youngest one to "go get my grasshopper out of the bug box and bring it here".  A few seconds later, Sylvie appeared in the door, grinning, but sans grasshopper.  Cori said, "I told you to get my grasshopper.  Where is it?"  With a couple of crunches and a twinkle in her eye, Sylvie opened her mouth to show Cori the grasshopper.  I asked Cori if she got the grasshopper out of Sylvie's mouth, and she said, "No, she swallowed it before I could get a chance!!"  So, I asked Sylvia how grasshoppers taste and she informed me that they are "nummy!"

[glenn kangiser]

Good story.  You have unique girls.