Humor

[Windpower]

check this out Sparks - we need to start pickng up those old pennies

they are worth 2.5 cents  hmmmm more than double your money

http://inflation.us/coins/coin_details.php?coinID=5



compare that to the quarters

http://inflation.us/coins/coin_details.php?coinID=12

[MountainDon]

Thanks to Paul Wheaton...  A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Redoverfarm]

40 Years of Marriage...

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a
wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with
my darling husband'.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for
the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me'.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish
is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became
92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female...

[John Raabe]

Here are some very funny and interesting graphic stories from Christoph Niemann:

http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/02/coffee/
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/03/red-eye/
http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/10/my-way/

For example - the diet:

[Ernest T. Bass]

That's an extremely talented and creative guy.. Thanks for sharing!

[John Raabe]

Descartes walks into a bar.  The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

[gandalfthegrey]

So! If you don't want to vanish,  have a beer!   

[glenn kangiser]

Had to study up but got it. 

[glenn kangiser]

The next elite choice for president.....



Transcript snip from Glenn Beck's radio show:

CO-HOST: How would you handle a situation like the one that just developed in North Korea?

PALIN: But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies. We're bound to by treaty—




Don't get me wrong.... I don't like either side of the one party system.....

[gandalfthegrey]

Just recieved this from my brother's # 1 daughter.

My cuzn's baby's daddy's lil bruda's bes fren's uncle's x-wife's boyfren's mama's awnt's nexdoe neigba's susta in law said tell you Mur Cripmus!   

[Redoverfarm]

good ol cowboy



A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash.  On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer
grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The
robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.  He then looked
around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone else, by now very scared,
looked intently down at the floor in silence.  The robber yelled, 'Well,
did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in
which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.  Then, one old cowboy
tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said,
'I didn't but my wife got a pretty good look at you.'

[glenn kangiser]

Ain't gonna be the first time this ol' cowboy spent the night alone...   MTB

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3zRplo9w50&feature=related

[glenn kangiser]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another
farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to
mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in
which to let the pigs mate.The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The
other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant.
If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to
try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."


"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."                              

[John Raabe]

Are you searching for SLACK?



http://www.subgenius.com/pam1/pamphlet_p1.html

This is classic "BOB" - the founder of the Church of the Subgenius.

[Sassy]

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.  I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.  The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[Redoverfarm]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,
trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down
Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign
up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the
girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker asks, "Are you serious? They're
ALL named Leroy?"

The momma replies, "Well, yes...it makes it easier. When it's
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' they all
comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into
the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the
smartest ideaI  ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE
kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their LAST names."
 

[bayview]

   She must be a "ell" of a caring woman . . .   

   Giving a home to all those adopted children named Leroy.

/.

[Don_P]

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
...........................
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be
.............................
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
...........................
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
...............................
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
...............................
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
...................................
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
......................................
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful
princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer
took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm
an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -
now that's cool."
........................................
A priest, a revolutionary, and an engineer were brought to the guillotine. The priest was to be executed first, but when the handle was pulled, the blade hung up and did not perform it's function. The Laws of the State required that the priest be set free, since it would be inhumane to keep trying. The Priest said "Praise the Lord!" and was set free.

The revolutionary was next, and the device failed again. As he was set free, he said "Viva la revolution!".

When the engineer was brought to the guillotine, he said "It looks like this lever needs lubrication."
............................
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

[glenn kangiser]

 
Hillbilly Farmer
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.' 'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[Sassy]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around
here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly
had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes
a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on
>his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German
Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and
>treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Redoverfarm]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

[Windpower]

At least it was a John Deere

[Sassy]

 

[Redoverfarm]

A good preacher story..
 
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a  Rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan  University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week  for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that  preaching to people isn't really
all that hard - a real challenge would be  to preach to a bear. One thing
led to another, and they decided to do an  experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,  preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all  came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his  arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and  limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
went into the woods to find me a  bear. And when I  found him, I began to
read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of  God, he became as gentle as a
lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to  give him first communion and
confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke  next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and  had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
claimed, 'WELL,  brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a  bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that  bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of
him and we began to  wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we  came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And  just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb.. We spent the rest of  the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both  looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
in a hospital bed. He was in a body  cast and traction with IVs and
monitors running in and out of  him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said:  "Looking back on it, .......circumcision
may not have been the best way to  start."

[Gingerbreadman]

There are two muffins baking in an oven. One of the muffins says, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" The other muffin looks at the first and says, "Oh, wow! Look! A talking muffin!"