Humor

[ScottA]

   Sounds like our local cafe.

[Redoverfarm]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!   

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense..'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed .

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit'   



 

[muldoon]

[muldoon]

[glenn kangiser]

I wonder if that one was real?  Wonder if they caught him?

[southernsis]

Couldn't stop laughing. Where I live a lot of these are common sights. I have a neighbor that told me he had been working on his place for 10 years and he finally had it done. His landscaping consists of old car bodies, toilets, bathtubs and beer can. Just some local insight.

[BiggKidd]

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Got this from a friend this morning... some are more accurate for certain parts of the state than others.  I can't believe there is no reference to Coca-cola in the entire thing...

Things I learned living in Oklahoma



1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's dark -thirty.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pass time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive  then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma

[glenn kangiser]

Jeet has been shortened from dijaeet -- oh no -- wait a minute -- My ex's niece was from Arkansas.  Different language - similar roots I guess.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

or the other variant, which I'm more apt to use, jeet yet?

[Redoverfarm]

Subject: A Beer Before It Starts





A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".  She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.  When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.  It's gonna start".  This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.  When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second". 



"That's it!"  She blows her top.  "You  bastard!  You waltz in here, flop your fat-ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.  Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband signed, "Oh shit, it started".

[Redoverfarm]

Subject: Two Trees

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

Now wipe that smile off your face.

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the  Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing$1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in
the collection plate,' he stated.
'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money,
and I give some of it to the church.

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much d oes he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'
'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.
'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'
The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

[John_C]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid- term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Redoverfarm]

 GOT TO LOVE LITTLE BOYS!

            Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
            tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
            The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
            'Eight,' the boy replied.
            The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
            The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
            him.    He's my brother.  He's four.  We saw on TV that if you use these
            you would be able to swim and ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either
            one.'

[glenn kangiser]

So is it possible that if I bought a box, I may be able to swim?

[Redoverfarm]

 A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he
kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the
pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of
dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any
milk in my cereal? ' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week
either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You
gonna tell him or should I?

[John Raabe]

I think the moral is to be nice to animals. Right

[glenn kangiser]

There has to be some kind of lesson there.

[Redoverfarm]

 Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,
a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.
'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in....the hole-he-goes.'

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

never overlook the obvious

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need ... a new
suit! ' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new
suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44
long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.?

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe
and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one
hell of a headache!'

[glenn kangiser]

[mvk]

I got carded today at Agway when I asked for my senior discount
Mike