Humor

[muldoon]

anyone lose a cat?

[glenn kangiser]

I have had a few of those cats.  Odd breed.  Mine was named Ernie, after the guy who gave him to me.

Always walking around hissing and showing his teeth, although he never did bite me.

Nice thing was besides cat food, he would eat anything...vegetables , garbage etc.

[Sassy]

 
I raised one of those cats, too!  From a tiny baby that fit in my hand to a big thing - was really sweet, would let you hold it, pet it, feed it by hand - his name was Algernon (actually, don't really know if he was a he or she).  Had the softest fur...

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

My friend Rachel forwarded that one to me a few weeks ago and I sent it to a redneck Okie friend of mine who lives in Sacremento now... thought he would get a kick out of it.

In college, I had a couple of neighbors who became really good friends.  One was Pakistani and the other was Malaysian, and we used to cook and eat together a few times every week and play basketball every Friday.  They were nice guys.  Out of the goodness of their hearts and the emptiness of their wallets, they decided to take on a third roommate, Faraj, from Dubai.  Faraj was young, cocky, and trying desperately to fit in and impress American girls.  Mainly, he just annoyed his roommates.  And he smoked, a habit that the other guys detested.  Well, one night the other two guys and I had walked to the local little pancake house to have breakfast for supper, and we stopped back by their house for the awesome tea the Pakistani guy used to make.  When we came in, Faraj was sitting at the table, shaking like a leaf, and was completely pale.  He whirled around when we came in the door and said to me, "Hey, Mishi (his ridiculous nickname for me), how beeg do the rats geet around here?!"  His face was the most comical thing I've ever seen.  Turns out, he'd gone out for a smoke just after sunset, and heard something rustling in the bushes.  He thought he was seeing a cat and reached down to pet the 'possum, who spun and hissed and growled at him.  As he later told me, "That rat was thees beeg!  And he had glowing eyes and fangs thees long!!"  The other two guys and I laughed so hard I thought our sides would split.  Faraj quit smoking that day!

[Sassy]

     that's a good one!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

  I never could convince him that it was a marsupial and not a rodent, though.  I still giggle when I think about his face when we walked through their door! 

[Redoverfarm]

I became confused when I heard these terms
which reference the word
'service'

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[glenn kangiser]

Sorry, John.  You are not allowed to promote Vaseline sales on this forum.

[Redoverfarm]

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl., Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.   His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.  She opens the door. There sitting in the garage  is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

[glenn kangiser]

Probably did have a couple too many.

[Redoverfarm]

REDNECK VACATION


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

'Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

'Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

'Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'

[gandalfthegrey]

Some more on those "dam" plans.   Long so in 2 parts


Saw this over at the Alaska Forum.

Part#1




This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. The man's response follows...
DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
D Price
District Representative and Water Management Division. avid L.
***

[gandalfthegrey]

Here is Part #2

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[Redoverfarm]

gandalfthegrey I had gotten that before. Pretty good response letter though.

[Sassy]

 

[gandalfthegrey]

How about some Handy Conversions Factors ?

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
A Half-Bath: 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
step," the first step of a one-mile journey: 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones: 1 phone
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision

[John Raabe]

What can I say?

[Redoverfarm]

Subject:  on sale A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.  'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife <
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says  'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...  A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.  'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,  'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.  The man replies... " SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE FREAKIN'PRICE " 

[glenn kangiser]

    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their
    carts around
    Home Depot when they collide.
     
     
     
    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
    I'm looking
    for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to
    where I was going."
     
    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.
    I'm looking
    for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a
    little desperate."
     
     
     
    The old guy says, "Maybe we can help each other. What
    does your wife look like?"
     
    The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall,
    with blonde
    hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
    wearing tight white
    shorts, a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife
    look like?"
     
     
     
    The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for
    yours."






Sent to Sassy by a friend.

[Redoverfarm]

The Three Li ttl e Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said t he second little piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The dri nks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of be er,' e xclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'   

You're gonna LOVE    this....

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[glenn kangiser]

Corn Fed Venison - It Looked Good On Paper!

As I sit here behind this laptop, I now realize that this definitely wasn't the brightest idea I have ever had. I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer– no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature
off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
continued

[glenn kangiser]

continued from above

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.


http://www.bloggingwv.com/corn-fed-venison-it-looked-good-on-paper/

[Redoverfarm]

STUD ROOSTER


A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me.
Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud....
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
                                      'Dammit......
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral Of This Story ? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -
Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery
Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Red, I like that joke... the first time I heard it, I was in highschool.  My grandpa was in the hospital and wasn't doing so well.  In fact, he was in such bad shape that he couldn't talk.  I'd go see him every day after school.  I'd always try to find a new joke or two to tell him when I went, and I remember when I told him that one, his face lit up in a big old grin.  I didn't have to wonder anymore if he heard me or not.   

[Sassy]

This one from Glenn's daughter...

No Good Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma .
He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring ay it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,

'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler
and in his best Okie manner says, 'Nah, go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over
to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly
down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, Yep, that's as far as I got, too........'