Humor

[glenn kangiser]

I'm not far behind that, John. 

[Redoverfarm]

This is a little longer than I would like but pretty good.

YANKEE AND SOUTHERNERS

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a
single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The
conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the Station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding. The
Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[glenn kangiser]

That's cruel, John.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I hope this link works... my cousin sent me this yesterday.  Enjoy.  It is a recording of a guy in TX witnessing an accident.

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf 

[glenn kangiser]

Thanks, Homegrown.  That was funny.

[Redoverfarm]

 

 



WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[MountainDon]

... another from redoverfarm...  [I had to split the image up in order to get it thru photobuckets size limits... reduced quality a bit for speed/file size]

Country Technology

[Redoverfarm]

Two Newfie buddies are walking home from the local pub when one of them
drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the
cell phone and dials 9-1-1.

The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are you?'

The Newfie buddy replies:' I don't know what happened, we were walking
home on Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell
down!'

The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'

The phone seemed to go dead.

The operator now really concerned kept shouting because she could hear
him panting!

Finally he came back on the line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak
street, that's O-A-K.'

[glenn kangiser]

[Drew]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[glenn kangiser]

Drew, you're gonna get me started on my elephant jokes and nobody wants that.

[Drew]

Step away from the pachyderms, Glenn!

[ScottA]

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

[Redoverfarm]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were
in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son: 'Boy.........go gitcha Momma..............'

[Redoverfarm]

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[Sassy]

  Those are good ones Red!  I liked the Country Technology too!

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Hey, I see patients like that everyday who've just driven themselves to the ER!   

[Redoverfarm]

INFAMOUS WAL-MART MURDER!

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-
happy marriage, a young husband decided to
solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself
as the beneficiary, & then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with
a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least somethingup front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he
surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor......

...the manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to
leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings
were captured by the hidden security cameras &
observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police.

Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the
police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrange-
ments with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared ...




'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!'

[MountainDon]

Follow da' link to "Bored, Tubby & Mild"  [with apologies to John Kay and Steppenwolf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn0sr2HsUso


the original, some of it anyways.... http://av.steppenwolf.com/mp3s/all_time_greatest_hits_lo/brntbwldl.mp3

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McCpBsH9cOQ

In case you haven't seen this... hopefully this isn't where I first saw it.  It's hilarious.

[MountainDon]

That's absolutely great, HGT!!  I've never seen it before. Thanks!

Even greater is the story of The Young@ Heart Chorus. They have a WEBSITE. Here's a wee bit from they "about" page...

When the Young@ Heart began in 1982 the members all lived in an elderly housing project in Northampton, MA called the Walter Salvo House. The first group included elders who lived through both World Wars. One of our members had fought in the Battle of the Somme as a 16 year old and another, Anna Main, lost her husband in the First World War. Anna was a stand-up comic who at 88 told jokes that only she could get away with. She sang with us until she was 100. We celebrated her 100th birthday with a parade downtown. We actually had to reschedule the parade for a year later when her family informed us that we had the date wrong and she was only 99. This initial group also included Diamond Lillian Aubrey who came on our first two European tours and wowed the audiences with her deadpan version of Manfred Mann's "Doo Wah Diddy". In later years she appeared "on stage" via video, performing the Stone's "You Can't Always Get What You Want".

Also if you do a YouTube search for Young@Heart there are several more videos. The group also has a CD available.

Young@Heart is partially funded by the NEA [National Endowment for the Arts]. This is the first NEA funded project I've run across that I approve of. That's your money, our taxes, at work, or is it play?. Much better spent on this instead of some of the other $hit (literally, click for link) the NEA has funded.

Here's Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side.

I'd like to see them do some Warren Zevon, maybe Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner or Excitable Boy 

CountryPlans members who don't cruise surf all the topics are sure missing out!

[glenn kangiser]

I've noticed that off topics is really getting popular lately...and the building problems are all getting handled too.  Great job, people.

Thanks for that news item on Artie, John.  Good one.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Don, I think we'd all live longer if we did stuff like that... I really admire the spunk of the folks in Young at Heart.  When my husband was a graduate student, there was a professor in his  department that I used to see jogging around campus in neon spandex or singing with the local barbershop singers, etc., and I was floored to learn that the guy was nearly 80 years old! (He had an amazing tenor voice, too, by the way.)  He'd teach class in dress clothes and leather hiking sandals with white tube socks.  One of DH's advisors is the same age as my grandma, but he still drives to the university two times a week (a little over an hour one way) and to my mom's company once a week as a consultant, and he ranches full time southwest of Oklahoma City.  Not only that, but the man reads voraciously and is more on top of all the current research in that field than all the younger guys... and he does all his calculations long hand with a pencil.  I've never seen him use a calculator.  I want to be like that when I'm 80.  My great-grandpa lived independently until he was 93, and then he decided to move into the nursing home because "those old folks there needed him";  it used to crack me up to see him pushing people in wheelchairs down to the cafeteria for dinner, when they were considerably younger than him.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Here's another funny song my uncle sent me today.  I hope the link works for y'all.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071221/MULTIMEDIA/283841756

[Sassy]

   good one, HG!
here's one my SIL sent me today
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....




_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[glenn kangiser]

I only did karaoke one time when my daughter talked me into it.  They sent me a link to my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NsdF_sk7fQ&feature=related

This is Sunday isn't it?