Humor

[MountainDon]

Abu al-Zarqawi died and George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the
Declaration of Independence ."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al- Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?" 

[glenn kangiser]

A bit of cussing - a bit of grossness - you may not want to read this one.  Sent to me by my daughter....

Subject:  Chili

WARNING: ONLY Read This If You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to "Lowes"(mega hardware store) recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself road-kill CHILI.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL burst into flames and fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement no.2's. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the "Lowes" store, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal... I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about... I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hits you at the wrong time...The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as clerk in a red apron turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate... Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh....... BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive gasseous issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand malassplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "aghh ah aaaghh", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,"OH MY GOD !!!" -- "Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?" He didn't wait for a response,and quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me... The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,"HOLY CRAP, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Target... I can't say anymore about that because I'm currently in court over the whole matter.

[RainDog]

Gee... uh...

Alright, then.

 

[glenn kangiser]

It was pretty bad, but a lady did that to me at a service station a few weeks back so I had to post it..... come to think of it though, actually being there and getting hit by it, it wasn't that funny.

I know she had some of that guys chili though..... maybe like 5 gallons....

[Redoverfarm]

Mujibar  was trying to get a job in India . 
 
The Personnel  Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.   
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify  for this job.' 
 
Mujibar said, 'I am  ready.' 
 
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using  the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ..' 
 
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,   
'Mister manager, I am ready.' 
 
The manager said,  'Go ahead.' 
 
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes  green,  green,
and I pink it up,  and say,
Yellow, this is  Mujibar.' 
 
Mujibar now works at a call  center. 
 
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know  I have.

[Redoverfarm]

Praying for Leroy
 
  "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday." 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question. "Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to members of the Cabinet and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. He goes to the Supreme Court and asks all nine members and doesn't get an answer. He goes to Congress and asks most of the members to no avail. Finally, he walks into the Colin Powell's office and says, "Colin, see if you can answer this riddle: Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell says, "It's me!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Sassy]

DON'T TELL ME BLONDS AREN'T SMART !!!!
       
   Last year I replaced all the windows  in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I  got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the  work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am  automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had  told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!    Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only  silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called  back. I bet he felt like an idiot.   

[Redoverfarm]

~ Cup of Tea ~




One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[LeoinSA]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

[Redoverfarm]

Blonde in the fourth row

A young ventriloquist is touring the county fairs: One night he's doing a show in a   Small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his Usual dumb blonde jokes, when a very well endowed blonde woman in the fourth row  stands on her chair, displaying a great body, long shapely fishnet clad legs in
An extremely short leather skirt , and shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little fellow on your knee.

[Sassy]

 THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS

(This one is priceless.................)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home  from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called  home to glory following a heart attack.  The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.   After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read :

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[Sassy]

I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.

At first the lady said dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.

So I explained to her that my dog is unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and has no clue who his daddy is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first check Friday.

Darn! Is this a great country, or WHAT?!!!

[glenn kangiser]

We just watched this again and figured it was time to re-post for the new ones....why the ladies don't get to have lawn parties any more.....

https://s778.photobucket.com/albums/yy62/the_troglodyte/?action=view&current=Old_Girls_Party.flv

[Redoverfarm]

Two Polish hunters from Cleveland hired a pilot to fly them to Canada  to hunt moose. They bagged four.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only two moose.

The two Poles objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded..

Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Stanisilaw asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"

Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Redoverfarm]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians   will no longer be referred to as
            'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

 
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'




 
 


 

[John Raabe]

Contractor of the year awards 

Third Place



Second Place



First Place

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Those are all hilarious!

[glenn kangiser]

Good stuff there , John --- and they actually did that... hmm 

email you may have seen....


Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.  I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on!!

[Redoverfarm]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " I will give you $10 if you hop on the back." "NO!" says the little girlas she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "I'm feeling generous today!

I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley, so ride it by yourself!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

True story:
This morning I'm munching away on a handful of sunflower seeds  when I notice some scattered on the table, chair, and floor.  I asked the girls about it and Ev says, "Yeah, Sylvie dumped the whole jar on the floor.  But it's OK, Mama.  We swept them all up and put them back!" 

[ScottA]

I hope your floor was clean. 

[John Raabe]

Got this in an email today...

Texas Hedge Trimmer




Is this what happens when a creative mind has too much machinery lying around?

[glenn kangiser]

I like that.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I'm sitting here wondering how long it's gonna be before Glenn tries that one.