Author Topic: Humor  (Read 305253 times)

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glenn-k

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Re: Humor
« Reply #50 on: November 02, 2007, 09:01:55 PM »
That would be useful, but many times they are busy advising and giving me replies to
Stinkerbell. ::)

Homegrown_Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #51 on: November 04, 2007, 08:48:48 AM »
I read that jellyfish story out loud to DH before we went to bed last night and we both laughed ourselves silly over it.  After we went to bed every few minutes, he'd crack up again and get me giggling about it again. As tired as we were, we must have laughed for half an hour.  This morning, I sent it to my uncle who used to work on offshore rigs  way back when because I knew he'd get a kick out of it.

glenn-k

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Re: Humor
« Reply #52 on: November 04, 2007, 09:06:43 AM »
I had to go back and re-read it -- that one will make you cry. ;D

http://www.countryplans.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1171285163/#6
« Last Edit: November 04, 2007, 09:07:41 AM by glenn-k »

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #53 on: November 09, 2007, 01:47:47 PM »
Humorous flight attendant preflight instructions

http://www.glumbert.com/media/preflight
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #54 on: November 09, 2007, 02:17:38 PM »
I was on a Southwest flight like that with an attendant with a great sense of humor... makes it a lot more interesting. ;)  At least for those who are paying attention.  

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #55 on: November 10, 2007, 05:02:04 PM »
Things We Can Learn From a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #56 on: November 11, 2007, 06:32:30 PM »
MtnDon, my SIL just sent me the preface to that advice... it's a neat story  :)

A Dog's Purpose, (from a 6-year-old)

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life-- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.
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You will know the truth & the truth will set you free

glenn-k

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Re: Humor
« Reply #57 on: November 16, 2007, 11:40:01 AM »
Gotta love those redneck ladies --

Presenting the Redneck Tank Top.


MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #58 on: November 16, 2007, 06:08:04 PM »
 The Game

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up And asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

glenn-k

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Re: Humor
« Reply #59 on: November 17, 2007, 07:59:45 AM »
From a Tom Green Guest:

Quote
1. I work in construction and got hurt on the job the other day.

Luckily it was just my feelings.

2.  Women are really getting forward nowadays.  I was sitting in a singles bar and one walked right up to me , from clear across the room and told me she didn't want to dance with me."

Sorry for that one -- I couldn't do better this morning.

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #60 on: November 29, 2007, 08:43:30 PM »
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico !'
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #61 on: January 13, 2008, 10:28:12 PM »
Here's one my BIL sent.

 Dad at the mall


 I took my dad to the
Mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a  bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.
 
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at  him. The
teenager would look and find  him staring every time.
 
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your  life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would
not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
 
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my son.
 
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2008, 08:40:43 PM »
This is from Glenn's daughter... 

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
 
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
 
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

 Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. And the wife continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.
 
Thunderstruck by the wife's account, the pastor slowly rose and hesitantly asked if any one else had anything to say.
 
A man rose and timidly walked to the podium. He announced, "Hi, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM ."
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Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #63 on: January 24, 2008, 07:33:46 PM »
On Political Correctness...
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore:


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL A$$" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


I hope no one is offended....
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #64 on: January 24, 2008, 08:09:56 PM »
I know this doesn't meet PC standards, but it is funny...

A Polish immigrant went to the MVD to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:


'*C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.*'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Sure", the Polish man replied, "He's actually a good friend of mine!"


Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #65 on: January 24, 2008, 09:11:12 PM »
Well within our self imposed PG-13 or so limits, Don.

I hope everyone here knows by now that no one here intends to offend -- we're just kidding around but not so stuffy that we must always be P/C. :)
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #66 on: January 25, 2008, 04:19:09 AM »
CANNIBAL RESTAURANT
>
>         A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
>
>            + Tourist: $5
>            + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
>            + Fried Explorer: $15.00
>            + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
>
>         The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"
>
>         The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?  They're so full of s***, it takes all morning


wingam00

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Re: Humor
« Reply #67 on: January 25, 2008, 04:42:33 AM »
If you are a parent you will understand the following;

  WORRY

   Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for
 their own Actions?  Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become
 detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, "It's Their
 life," and feel nothing?

    When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for
 doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head.  I asked, "When do
 You stop worrying?"  The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident
 stage."  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

    When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair In a classroom and
 heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And
 was headed for a career making License plates.  As if to read my mind, a
 teacher Said, "Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you
 can sit back, relax and Enjoy them."  My dad just smiled Faintly and said
 nothing.

    When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to
 ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open.  A friend said,
 "They're trying to find themselves.  Don't worry, In a few years, you can
 stop worrying.  They'll be Adults."  My dad just smiled faintly And said
 nothing.

   By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable.  I was
 still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle  There Was
 nothing I could do about it.  My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
 I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their
 frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments.

    My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and
 lead my own Life.  I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my dad's
 warm smile and his Occasional, "You look pale.  Are you all right?  Call
 me the minute you get home.  Are You depressed about something?"

    Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry?  Is
 concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
 Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown?  Is concern a curse or is it
 a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life?

    One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me,
 "Where were you?  I've been
    Calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried." I smiled a warm
 smile.      The torch has been passed.

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #68 on: January 25, 2008, 09:25:32 AM »
I like both stories and both so true...
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #69 on: January 25, 2008, 09:33:40 AM »
Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall

My granddaughter got away from me Sunday at the mall. She
approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little girl hesitated for a moment and then replied,


'Jack Daniels and women with big boobs.'
 

 



 
 
 
 
 

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #70 on: January 25, 2008, 09:37:04 AM »
That could have been 2/3 of the guys in the mall.

"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline benevolance

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Re: Humor
« Reply #71 on: January 25, 2008, 09:49:39 AM »
i better refrain from commenting on that one... hehe... too easy to get myself in trouble ;D

Offline John Raabe

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Re: Humor
« Reply #72 on: January 25, 2008, 09:51:08 AM »
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
None of us are as smart as all of us.

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #73 on: January 25, 2008, 10:00:35 AM »
 rofl

Here's a video "How the markets really work"  it's pretty funny although there is some politically incorrect examples...
http://www.brasschecktv.com/page/187.html 

This video was #1 last year....
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #74 on: January 25, 2008, 10:27:17 AM »
i better refrain from commenting on that one... hehe... too easy to get myself in trouble ;D

I censored part of mine before I posted t.  I was going to say something that was maybe a bit politically incorrect.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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