Author Topic: Humor  (Read 320107 times)

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #150 on: March 16, 2008, 06:44:04 AM »
Just a few before St. Patricks Day.


The Pub

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
 



Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. 

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
 

Offline John Raabe

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Re: Humor
« Reply #151 on: March 17, 2008, 02:51:39 PM »
I got this from a good friend up in Canada. Hope this isn't in too bad taste?  ???



I needed a laugh on this historic day of the start of the Great American Meltdown. As I told my Canadian friend,

"Come-on down, great bargains on houses, mortgages and slightly used financial institutions. Up to 99% off. No reasonable offer refused!"
None of us are as smart as all of us.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #152 on: March 17, 2008, 05:50:07 PM »
John, that was great.  rofl rofl

You know we allow PG17 here, but boy --  that is one ugly lady.  She may be a bit past our limits.  I don't care what color...and you included a few of the perpetrators of the meltdown too. ;D
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #153 on: March 17, 2008, 05:57:53 PM »
Inspired by that, here is one my daughter sent Sassy and I today.

CALLING IN SICK     

             
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" ???


There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.



The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?"


If they only knew! ::)


Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline John Raabe

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Re: Humor
« Reply #154 on: March 17, 2008, 06:45:04 PM »
I'm waiting for the YouTube video to come out on that one.  ::) :P
None of us are as smart as all of us.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #155 on: March 18, 2008, 12:41:29 PM »
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all
mankind made." 

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."




Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #156 on: March 18, 2008, 06:13:12 PM »
John  rofl rofl

Red   rofl rofl
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You will know the truth & the truth will set you free

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #157 on: March 19, 2008, 02:56:50 AM »

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

    And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. 

    Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar." 

    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, " that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!";

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed . . .

    "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"







Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #158 on: March 20, 2008, 04:05:02 AM »
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession.



Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.



One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a
Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, an! d a Pl ayboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'when
he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks
up.


'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing
that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and,
Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin' bum.'


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room.


The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he tu rned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's
Centerfold.


'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's gonna run
for Congress

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #159 on: March 20, 2008, 05:52:31 AM »
...and he was going to be one of the good ones. rofl
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #160 on: March 20, 2008, 07:13:45 AM »
Barbara Bush had been feeling bad for a while so decided to go into the doctor and get checked out.

The doctor said, "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Bush?"

"Well, doctor, I seem to have extremely bad flatulence, but the good thing is it doesn't smell bad and it doesn't make any noise."

The doc said "OK, let me have a look."  hmm

"Take this medication for a week then come back in next Tuesday and we'll check your progress."

Following instructions for a week, she returned on Tuesday.

"I'm afraid, Doctor, that after taking all the medication, my condition is deteriorating..  My flatulence now smells horrible. Still no noise but, I almost make myself sick."

The doctor replied, "Great, it looks like we've cleared up the sinus problem.  Now lets see what we can do about your hearing."
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #161 on: March 20, 2008, 12:10:44 PM »



REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

 

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

 

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. 

 

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
 
I bet he felt like an idiot.






 


Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #162 on: March 20, 2008, 12:21:59 PM »
 rofl rofl rofl

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #163 on: March 20, 2008, 12:32:45 PM »
Estate Planning

When Joe found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his Stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #164 on: March 21, 2008, 02:41:22 AM »
WOMAN GAVE BIRTH AT 65.   
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.  When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. "May I see the new baby?" I asked.  "Not yet," She said, "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."  Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," She said.  After another few minutes had elapsed,I asked again, "May I see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied my friend.  Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?" "WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me."WHEN HE CRIES?"  I demanded.  "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?" "BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"



Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #165 on: March 21, 2008, 05:14:36 AM »
Makes sense to me.  hmm
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #166 on: March 22, 2008, 03:18:21 AM »
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #167 on: March 22, 2008, 11:57:53 AM »
rofl
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #168 on: March 22, 2008, 12:19:38 PM »
Sent to me by my daughter,

A family from East Tennessee was visiting Knoxville and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything
they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'Paw, what's
at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my taar life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the pretty young woman, said
quietly to his son, 'Boy..................go git yor Momma...............
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #169 on: March 23, 2008, 06:23:12 AM »
Not really sure whether this is humerous or not but it will become apparent that it is with everyone sitting around being able to "bust your own bubble" rather than having someone else do it for you. 

 BUBBLEWRAP
 http://www.therightfoot.net/mystuff/whatever/swf/bubblewrap.swf


Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #170 on: March 23, 2008, 09:11:22 AM »
a little disappointing in that it didn't do anything special after you popped them all.

 :(
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #171 on: March 23, 2008, 10:21:26 PM »
Just like real ones then. :)
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Offline John Raabe

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Re: Humor
« Reply #172 on: March 24, 2008, 06:27:39 AM »
Thanks Glenn for the elevator story... Good way to start the week!  ;D

(If only technology really worked that way!)
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #173 on: March 24, 2008, 12:21:18 PM »
Glenn I am offended. Just like in life the ones at the top get all the credit. You must have been asleep when this one flew past you. :D

http://countryplans.com/smf/index.php?topic=2529.msg47513#msg47513

Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #174 on: March 24, 2008, 12:39:26 PM »
Ah-ha! John I knew I had heard/read that one before! I couldn't remember where!  d*

Glenn's memory is worse than mine.  ;D ;D
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

 

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