Author Topic: Humor  (Read 305357 times)

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #125 on: March 07, 2008, 11:48:31 AM »
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."  He took a rag , soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you ain't laffin'...  You ain't livin'


 



Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #126 on: March 07, 2008, 01:22:59 PM »
 rofl rofl rofl  where do you find all these? 
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #127 on: March 08, 2008, 03:59:18 AM »
Science Experiment . .



     
  A  dog is truly a man's best friend.
  If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


  Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
 
  When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
 



=

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #128 on: March 08, 2008, 06:19:55 AM »
I can see it all now.  rofl
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Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #129 on: March 08, 2008, 07:38:06 AM »
 n* n*  [slap] heh
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #130 on: March 08, 2008, 10:01:54 AM »
The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 
Happy Mental Health Day!


Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #131 on: March 09, 2008, 01:59:27 PM »
The Compassionate Lawyer.

 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
 two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered
 his driver to stop so that he could investigate. The lawyer got
 out of his limousine and asked one of the men, "Why are you
 eating grass?"

 "We don't have any money for food," the poor man answered. "We
 have to eat grass."

 "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the
 lawyer said.

 The poor man replied, "But sir, I have a wife and two children
 with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
 man he said to him, "You can come with us also."

 The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also
 have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "No problem, bring them all as well!" the lawyer answered. They
 all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
 large as the limousine was.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
 said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
 with you."

 The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place
 - the grass is almost a foot high!"


Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #132 on: March 09, 2008, 07:03:42 PM »
Good one, John.

"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #133 on: March 11, 2008, 06:12:16 PM »
This one is for all the members of the opposite sex that usually catch the blunt of the gender jokes. 

To Be 6 Again...


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.  Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her  Birthday.
 
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.   
 
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
 
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was  reeling a nd her stomach felt  upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra  fries and a chocolate shake.
 
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband  and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and  lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my  dress size, you dumb ass!'
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
 

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #134 on: March 11, 2008, 06:18:09 PM »
got that right!    heh rofl
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Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #135 on: March 11, 2008, 06:18:37 PM »
I try to explain that to Sassy, but she just doesn't understand.  :(
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #136 on: March 11, 2008, 06:23:44 PM »
Sassy I owed you that one after the dog in the trunk .

Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #137 on: March 11, 2008, 07:07:28 PM »
How magnanimous of you Red!   :D

ok, don't know whether this is humorous or not...
FACTS TO PONDER:
 
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
* Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80000000.
(Yes that's 80 million)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year all age groups is 1500.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188.
* Statistics courtesy of FBI
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So statistically doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
 
Remember"Guns don't kill people doctors do."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand !
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Out of concern for the public at largeI have withheld the
statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic
and seek medical attention.
 
Respectfully submittedA Concerned Citizen
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Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #138 on: March 11, 2008, 07:28:17 PM »
ok, don't know whether this is humorous or not...
FACTS TO PONDER:

It's humorous in it's own way.
But my skeptical side would like to be able to find some proof to back the numbers of medical accidents. A google brings up multitudes of hits  on this same thing, but little else. I did find the number of doctors to be right in the ball park.

The CDC does state that 7000 US residents die from prescription errors caused by poor handwriting.

The next time I go to the doctor I'm taking my gun for certain.  ;D
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #139 on: March 12, 2008, 03:30:29 AM »
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas
They hired him because he was so funny.....

 
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Goat)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available .

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.

 If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy

blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.


 


Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #140 on: March 12, 2008, 07:29:07 AM »
Glad he got the job.  An overachiever for sure.
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Offline Homegrown Tomatoes

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Re: Humor
« Reply #141 on: March 12, 2008, 10:45:07 AM »
Took my kids to visit the Harn Homestead in downtown OKC this morning.  I remember going there when I was my oldest daughter's age and thought it was a neat place even back then.  We packed a picnic lunch and went on our merry way.  Well, when we got there, the parking lot was full of vehicles from various schools and there was  a sign up welcoming a conference for the Oklahoma School Board Association.    We went on our tour and had our lunch.  We sat near the entry gate where a sign was posted to please keep on the trails... we watched a steady stream of educators come along and glance at the sign only to step over the low rock border and merrily trip across the grass to the event barn, and my daughter decided that they were either the most illiterate or irreverent bunch of educators in the world. 

The real kicker was when we were getting ready to leave and DD was looking in one of the barns.  Suspended from the top of the barn loft was a hoist with a fierce-looking set of claws for hooking hay bales and lifting them to the loft.  The girls were looking at it and talking about it when who should wander up but the state secretary of education, Sandy Garrett.  She asked them if they knew what those claws were for, and they both nodded, and then she said jokingly that she thought they were for picking up little girls.  The girls looked at each other and shook their heads and told her, "No, those are for picking up bales of hay."  Sandy Garrett laughed and walked on with her group, and I asked Cori if she knew who that woman was... when I told her that she was the State Secretary of Education, she rolled her eyes and said, "Boy! Am I glad I'm homeschooled!!!  She didn't even know what that hay hook was for!!!" 

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #142 on: March 12, 2008, 01:40:05 PM »
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 

 

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

 

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

 

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?' 

 

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #143 on: March 13, 2008, 03:23:54 AM »
In Honor of St. Patrick's Day‏

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy..   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. 

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 



Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #144 on: March 13, 2008, 06:06:58 AM »
You almost made me spill my coffee, John.  Good one.
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #145 on: March 13, 2008, 06:28:06 AM »
 rofl rofl you certainly keep us entertained, Red!
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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #146 on: March 13, 2008, 04:26:32 PM »
THE OUTHOUSE

Once there was a little boy that lived in the
country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it
was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and
the boy determined  that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen
so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the
outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.

It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and
didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't in the cherry tree."





Offline MountainDon

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Re: Humor
« Reply #147 on: March 13, 2008, 04:56:27 PM »
Gotta love it John..... rofl
Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn’t mean it is good design.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #148 on: March 13, 2008, 07:37:27 PM »
Reminds me of the guy in the two holer who stood up to pull up his pants and a quarter fell out of his pocket, slipped through a crack in the floor and went into the hole.

The guy calmly got out his wallet, took out a twenty dollar bill and threw it into the hole.

This totally confused the guy sitting on the next hole, and he looked at the guy and asked, "What the heck did you do that for?" hmm

The first guy replies, "You didn't expect me to go down there for a quarter, did you?" d*
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Redoverfarm

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Re: Humor
« Reply #149 on: March 15, 2008, 03:30:58 AM »
Subject:  Catholic Beer



While shopping in a food

Store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.  One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.  She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'



 

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