Humor

[glenn kangiser]

Ouch....

[Redoverfarm]

MAXINE ON BORDER CONTROL‏

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

[MountainDon]

 

I needed some levity.

[Sassy]

The Republicrat...   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kQxnut5RVw

[MountainDon]

Why ice fishing sucks



Thanks to John (redoverfarm)

[Sassy]

Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper  ;

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
                               

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!     

I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome  ;

because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)

'W I N A B A G E L'

[glenn kangiser]

Email from my niece.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

  Those are great.

Here's a couple from my second daughter.  She seems to just now be getting to the age to come up with some good ones.  Our pastor's name is Spencer Ledbetter.  The other day, DD(4) was talking about the potluck dinner after church and how "Spencer" had said such-and-such.  My husband, seeing the opportunity to teach her a little about manners, started a little lecture on how she should call him Pastor Spencer, or Pastor Ledbetter because he was a grownup and she is a little girl, and at the very least she should call him "Pastor".  Ev, sat there with her hands on her hips and head cocked to one side and when her daddy finally finished his little speech, she said matter-of-factly, "Well, you can call him pastor or whatever you want, but I call him Spencer.

Then this morning while I was feeding the baby, she hollered from the kitchen, "Mom, what are 'murpeanuts?'"  I had to have her repeat it a couple of times.  I told her I didn't think there was any such thing.  She said, "Yes there is.  It says so right on the can of Planter's peanuts.  On his hat, it says, 'M-R Peanut!!"  (This is what happens when your 4-year-old runs out of reading material... they start reading everything in the pantry.  She also informed me that there was a bag in the pantry that said "dried plums" on it, but all it really was was a bunch of prunes.)

[glenn kangiser]

Possibly she is of the ...call no man father or pastor belief.  Good for her.

Yes -- I'm just trying to cause trouble.

I'll probably even catch it from Sassy.

[muldoon]

showed up in my email, thought I would share.  some I agree with, some not. 

> Something to laugh at/with!
>
> Hurricane Education: What I've learned during our last hurricane . . .
>
>
> 1. Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
>
> 2. No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work
> without electricity.
>
> 3. My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the
> people in line who helped me push it).
>
> 4. Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in
> their hand.
>
> 5. Cats are even more irritating without power.
>
> 6. He who has the biggest generator wins.
>
> 7. Women can actually survive without doing their hair- you just wish
> they weren't around you.
>
> 8. A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.
>
> 9. There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
>
> 10. TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.
>
> 11. A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable
> temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8
> more hours.
>
> 12. There are a lot of dang trees around here.
>
> 13. Flood plane drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously
> wrong..
>
> 14. Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not
> required.
>
> 15. Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14
> generators.
>
> 16. People will get into a line that has already formed without having
> any idea what the line is for.
>
> 17. When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well
> but floats just the same.
>
> 18. Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
>
> 19. Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the
> battery remains charged.
>
> 20. 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you,
> and they are quick to point that out!
>
> 21. Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
>
> 22. If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be
> rich.
>
> 23. Price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.
>
> 24. Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing
> hole.
>
> 25. Tree service companies are under appreciated.
>
> 26. I learned what happens when you make fun of another states'
> blackout.
>
> 27. MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30%
> higher electric bill ??
>
> 28. Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's
> worthless.
>
> 29. I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
>
> For those of you in the Hurricane Ike hit areas - ***Hope your power is
> back on!***

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Possibly she is of the ...call no man father or pastor belief.  Good for her.

Yes -- I'm just trying to cause trouble.

I'll probably even catch it from Sassy.

Yep. Glenn the trouble-maker! 

[glenn kangiser]

 


Our local store raised the price of Ice during the fire.  I think it was a community service to keep people from hoarding....

[Redoverfarm]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'
pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

FREE KITTENS Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.
Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. 
The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.  It's Senator Obama.   
"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.
"Kittens" Little Mary Pat says.  "They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet." 
"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked. 
"Democrats" says Little Mary Pat. 
The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.  Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen.  Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. 
It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens. 
The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..   
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen.  Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat. 
"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."

"Yes sir," Mary Pat said, "They are all REPULICAN kittens"  Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Mary Pat says, "Yes, I know.  But today, they have their eyes open."

[glenn kangiser]

I dunno, John.  I think they would have had to be little anarchist kittens......

[Redoverfarm]

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS  STORIES....       
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his  small chair at the table, he looks into  his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been  eating my porridge?!!' he squeaks. 

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and  sits in his big chair. He looks into his  big bowl, and it is also empty. 'Who's  been eating my Porridge?!!' he roars. 

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,  'How many times do we have to go through  this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear  who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the  dishwasher from last night, and put  everything away, it was Momma Bear who  went out in the cold early morning air  to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled  the cat's water and food dish, and, now  that you've decided to drag your sorry  bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma  Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE @!#$*@! PORRIDGE YET'! 

[glenn kangiser]

What kind of an answer is that? hmm

[MountainDon]

From todays Albuquerque Journal, a cartoon by John Trevor

[southernsis]

I just received this from a former client.

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough,  as
they  could not afford a larger  bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to  10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I  may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see h ow putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the  doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry  bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the  can up to his ear and began to count!



'1'



'2'



'3'



'4'



'5'

 

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, and Mississippi.

[glenn kangiser]

Boy, am I glad I'm from California.... ow....

[Redoverfarm]

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis
he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it
into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
'And   if I had all the whiskey in the world,

I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
'For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile, life is too short not to!!

[MountainDon]

Patience & Wisdom



One of the greatest secrets to a long, happy life is having both patience and wisdom...

It's all about knowing when to step forward and when to defer, no matter how much you want something.

[apaknad]

great photo MD!

[glenn kangiser]

My dogs have not learned that trait yet, Don.  They have been sprayed at least 8 times in the last 6 months.