Humor

[Redoverfarm]

A retired Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit,
replied with a smirk,
''Well now Father, it was always my impression
that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true;
but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

[glenn kangiser]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened..

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.   I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[HoustonDave]

Dad blame it Coy....how'd you get that there motorcicle up there on the high dive anyway???

[muldoon]

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[HoustonDave]

Understanding Engineers

Truth hurts!!!

[Redoverfarm]

LITTLE JOHNN Y STRIKES AGAIN


The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating".

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, That was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate".

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said .... 'My aunt Rose has a sweater with ten buttons,   but her
boobs are so big she can only "fassen-eight!"

The teacher sat down and cried

[Native_NM]

Two engineers and and an accountant are sharing a row on a long flight.  When the engineers find out their fellow passenger is an accountant, they begin snickering and telling accountant jokes.  During the flight, one of the engineers mentions he wants a coke and starts to get up.  The accountant, sitting on the aisle, offers to bring them all a drink.  As he walks off, the engineers notice that he had slipped off his wingtips, and decide to play a joke on him.  One grabs a shoe and spits in it, and the other grabs a shoe and puts a piece of old gum in it.   A few minutes later, the accountant returns with the drinks, and hands them out.  He can't help but notice the two engineers giggling and snickering.  A few minutes later he slips his shoes on, and feels the gum and the spit.  The engineers are laughing uncontrollably.  The accountant looks calmly over and states "My dear friends, how long must this animosity between our professions continue?  The childish games of one-upmanship, the hatred, the hostility and antagonism, the spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

[glenn kangiser]

    Subject: Mid East Threat

    This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if
    United States meddling in Egypt continued they intend to cut off  America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

    If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps .

     Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more
    presidents either.

     It's gonna get ugly, people

[Sassy]

Sleeping with Bob
The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
         
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
       
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.. I watched him all night."
         
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They said,
"Man, what happened?"

He  said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[glenn kangiser]

Don't Click the pix - I warned you...

[glenn kangiser]

Had to chuckle at this.....

A couple days late with this but couldn't pass it up....

Feb 23 1942

The first Japanese attack on the U.S. mainland occurs when an I-17 submarine fires 13 shells at an oil refinery near Goleta, Southern California.

$500 damage was inflicted.

It was not clear why this target was chosen until much later, when it was found that the commander of this particular submarine had visited the site in the 1930's and stumbled into a field of prickly pear cactus.

Captain Nishino never forgave the ridicule he received from his American hosts that day.

[glenn kangiser]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

[Redoverfarm]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table,
the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

*Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Obama. It will be named the "Union Worker".
It doesn't work and you can't fire it.*

[Alasdair]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD
THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW
MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER
AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO
COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND
SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE
TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Redoverfarm]

    Young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
   money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
   and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.**

   **She went to the ***front door***of the first house and asked the
   owner if he had any ***odd jobs***for her to do.**

   **"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
   "How much will you charge me?"**

   **Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"**

   **The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and
   everything she would need were in the garage.**

   **The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
   "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"**

   **"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.**

   **The wife replied, "You're right.  I guess I'm starting to believe
   all those ***dumb blonde jokes***."**

   **A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.**
   **"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.**

   **"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I
   gave it two coats."**

   **Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed
   it to her along with a $10 tip.**
   ****
   ****
   ****
   **"Thank you," the blonde said,  "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
   it's a Lexus.."**

[Sassy]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.  He calls home.

     "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.  The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding!  How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives.  But our hero has a problem.  At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue?  I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.  Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives  down the street?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-behive before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington in Congress.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Thought I'd share a true to life funny from my kids.  Yesterday, my 8 YO daughter comes in from outside with her younger sisters and announces, "Mom, you know how people call people their 'BFFs' and all?  Well, I'm gonna call Evie my BM!  And she's gonna call me her BS!"

I didn't laugh out loud before I asked her what it stood for: "Bunk Mate" and "Big Sister".

[Sassy]

That is soooo funny!  Your kids are always coming up w/the darndest sayings!  You could have your own Art Linkletter show "Kids say the darndest things."  That was before your time unless you saw reruns...  used to be one of my favorite shows - even when I was a kid.

[Sassy]

Got this in my email today - since there's a lot of Southerners here, (I was born in Texas) thought you might enjoy 

Alabama
A group of  Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.  That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.  "But I figured no one's gonna  steal Henry!"


Georgia
The owner of a golf course in  Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the  University of  Georgia and I need some help.  If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."


Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in  Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in  Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi
The young man from  Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina
A man in  North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.  Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back.  He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  I never did understand it neither."


   
Tennessee
A Tennessee   State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.  The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.  The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[OkieJohn2]

I ran across this in another forum:
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer " Guns" Over Women!





And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason


Why Men Prefer Guns over women ....


#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

[considerations]

"Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer " Guns" Over Women!"

You, know of course that this is not really a gender specific list....it could be turned around and be just as amusing

"Top Ten Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns Over Men"

'nuff said

[OkieJohn2]

Ah, how true.
What is ironic is the forum I copied this from is eggxpert.com and there is a tendancy for it to be a "boys" club.  There have been several instances when someone will be making a thank you post exclaiming, "Thanks guys" or "Way to go dude" when the person being responded to is a lady. 

[Sassy]

I say "you guys" or "thanks guys" frequently - doesn't matter if it's to males or females...   

Here's another joke...

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it
    seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated
    knocks at the door.


    Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back
    of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his
    card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
    laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
    Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for
            I was naked.'

    Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Pass
    it on for
            'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

[glenn kangiser]