Humor

[Redoverfarm]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.


When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
 
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
 
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
 
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
 
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
 
'Rose! Where are you?'
 
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
 
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
 
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
 
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'


'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[Alasdair]

Aww, Hee hee

HEDGEHOGS!!!!?








































Why can't they just SHARE the hedge???

[sparks]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning to find it was a fine Spring day in his new Texas parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a dead jackass lying right there in the middle of the rectory lawn. He promptly called the police station.....and the conservation went like this......

"Good morning. This is Sgt. Jones, how might I help you?"

" And the best of the day te yerself sorr. This is Father O'Malley at St. Patrick's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind to send a couple o' yer lads to take care o' the matter?"

Sgt. Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, " Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...after which Father O'Malley replied....

"Aye,'tis certainly true, however, we are also obliged to notify the next of kin"




for glenn








sparks

[glenn kangiser]

Good one, Sparks.  Thanks

[Dog]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had
no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!"

[Redoverfarm]

My Duck is Dead


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,"  replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.  The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the
bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell
me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[MountainDon]

Teaching Math...

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there , holding the nickel and 3 pennies , while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her , she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying , it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[glenn kangiser]

Es veinte, maestro.

[Redoverfarm]

RYE BREAD


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
    Bench one morning.

-- The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
    Short of breath.

-- The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
    What he did to have so much energy.

-- The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
    Energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
    So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
    Looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

-- He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

-- She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

-- He said, "I want 5 loaves."

-- She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the
    3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

-- He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this crap but me."

[glenn kangiser]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

[John Raabe]

I thought you might want to know that if you ever get up this creek again, they now have paddles!

[MountainDon]

Not sure why; maybe someone was angry at someone?

[John Raabe]

Speaking of teaching math... You can always take the philosophical approach.

[glenn kangiser]

Funny? hmm

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

My Aunt Shirley came home from work complaining to my Uncle George the other day that she kept forgetting her password on her computer at work.  He asked her what her password was, to which she replied, "MickeyDonaldDaisyHueyDeweyLouieMinniePluto".  Uncle George asked her why she has such a long password.  She said, "Well, they said it has to be at least 8 characters long."

[Redoverfarm]

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your Father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in', said the kid.

'Is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a Family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'

(Government workers are so smart).

[glenn kangiser]

[glenn kangiser]

[lonelytree]

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

[glenn kangiser]

Two baby seals walk into a club.......

[glenn kangiser]

Permanent Markers make the ideal disguise in Iowa......



http://www.boingboing.net/2009/10/29/robbers-wearing-mark.html#more

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/29/iowa.marker.disguise/index.html

[Sassy]

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...


God addresses Al first...  ''Al, what do you believe in?''


Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,

but that it was your will that I did not serve..

And I've come to understand that now.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''


God then addresses Bill.  "Bill, what do you believe in?''

  Bill replies:  "I believe in forgiveness.

I've sinned, but I've never held a

grudge against my fellow man,

and I hope no grudges are held against me.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''


Then God addresses Barrack.  "Barrack, what do you believe in?''


He replies:  "I believe you're in my chair."

(sent to me by Harry51)

[Sassy]

MAMA & HER BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and they prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church,but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.


She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

[Redoverfarm]

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio..
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back inOhio cost
them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency
to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap
here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple
and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39...
You just have to know how to describe it!'
(Those HILLBILLIES know how "to git 'er done"; don't they?)

[Sassy]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ....

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large seagull with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late, I already saw you holding it.

have a nice day !!!!!!!!!!