Author Topic: Humor  (Read 339133 times)

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Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1025 on: November 29, 2011, 11:08:26 AM »
This one's been around, but it's just so darn fitting;


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men

along the road-side eating grass.

 

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

 

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to

eat grass."

 

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the

lawyer said.

 

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."

 

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

 

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us ,al so."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife and six children with me!"

 

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

 

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as

large as the limousine.

 

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you.

 

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The

grass is almost a foot high."

 
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1026 on: November 29, 2011, 05:46:44 PM »
Sorry, but I just can't believe that. There is no way a lawyer would be that nice,
even for a free lawn mowing.
Bruce & Robbie
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Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1027 on: November 30, 2011, 04:28:19 AM »
Sorry, but I just can't believe that. There is no way a lawyer would be that nice,
even for a free lawn mowing.
Well then, I guess you'll have just as hard of a time digesting the fact that he even reduced his consulting fee while in the limo to a group rate.........yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline Windpower

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1028 on: December 06, 2011, 07:58:13 AM »

Exercise after 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm now at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each bag.

Often, our ignorance is not as great as our reluctance to act on what we know.

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1029 on: December 06, 2011, 03:51:45 PM »
I am impressed! You can actually hold your arms straight out for a whole minute?
I need to practise more.
Bruce
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Offline gandalfthegrey

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1030 on: December 14, 2011, 08:27:11 AM »
While creating wives,
God promised men that
good and obedient wives
would be found in all
corners of the world.



 
 
And then He made the earth round.
 
Bad Wolf

Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1031 on: December 22, 2011, 05:28:44 AM »
Stole this from a dear friend of another forum.

Christmas letters are sometimes heart warming, and the updates are quite informative;


From A Mother With Love

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline Rob_O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1032 on: December 23, 2011, 02:16:28 PM »
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had
brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social
session over the years. Well, I have done something about it: a couple
of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few
too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but
knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back
safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had
never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.

Happy Holidays everyone, drive safely!
"Hey Y'all, watch this..."

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1033 on: December 28, 2011, 10:36:17 AM »
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reserve in Alberta asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called Environment Canada and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called Environment Canada again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at Environment Canada again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called Environment Canada again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied.'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824


Offline Whitlock

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1034 on: January 18, 2012, 01:31:08 PM »
 I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.  It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.  It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it slime green with pink trim.

The City Council told me, "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country.  It's the Government I'm afraid of...
Make Peace With Your Past So It Won't Screw Up The Present

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1035 on: January 19, 2012, 03:22:49 PM »
That is too close to the truth to be funny >:(
Bruce
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Offline Sassy

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1036 on: January 19, 2012, 07:24:21 PM »
My brother sent me this...
 
TOOLS EXPLAINED
 
     
        DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
         
        WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
         
        SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

        PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

        BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

        HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

        VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

        OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

        TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

        HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

        BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

        TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

        PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

        STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

        PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

        HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

        HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

        UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

        SON-OF-A-GUN- TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a GUN!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
         
         
        Hope you found this informative.
         

     

   
 

http://glennkathystroglodytecabin.blogspot.com/

You will know the truth & the truth will set you free

Offline Ernest T. Bass

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1037 on: January 19, 2012, 08:06:58 PM »
Those are great! Pretty accurate, but the flathead screwdriver is actually a lot worse than they make it sound. They forgot to mention all of the screws that it drops under your workbench and the occasional stabbing of your palm when it's used as a prying device..

And on the other hand, I don't have anything bad to say about vise-grips... Those things are a gift to mankind. ;D

Our family's homestead adventure blog; sharing the goodness and fun!

Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1038 on: January 20, 2012, 04:43:11 AM »
   "HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes."
 [rofl2] rofl........ ;D....... :-[..........d*
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson


Offline rick91351

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1039 on: January 20, 2012, 10:51:07 AM »
NOTE: A cheap pair of channel locks can also be substituted if pliers are not available.  Plus gives one more knuckle busting, skin abrasion options because of the greater fulcrum action of the handles. 
Proverbs 24:3-5 Through wisdom is an house builded; an by understanding it is established.  4 And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.  5 A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1040 on: January 21, 2012, 01:12:20 PM »
An African friend of mine posted this... pretty funny... true?

My brother who thinks I am better than him when it comes to religion sent me the following on my yahoo account..

One Sunday Morning during service, a 2,000 members congregation was surprised to see two men entering both covered from head to toe in black and carrying submachine guns.

One of the men proclaimed “Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are”… immediately, the choir fled…the deacons fled… and most of the congregation fled… out of the 2,000 there only remained 20.

Then the man who had spoken took off his hood…he then looked at the preacher and said “Okay pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites…now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!” and the two men turned and walked out…
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1041 on: February 07, 2012, 06:04:28 AM »
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
 
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
 
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
 
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
 
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:
 
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had messed in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1042 on: February 07, 2012, 09:18:15 AM »
Is Gracie  letting you pet her again Gary?
Bruce
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1043 on: February 07, 2012, 11:10:05 AM »
Is Gracie  letting you pet her again Gary?
Bruce

there's just no getting anything past you, Mr Fox, now is there
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1044 on: February 07, 2012, 07:32:31 PM »
I have been trying to get things past my wife for over 40 years and failing
miserably. I don't think you have anything to worry about Gary. Just keep up the excellent work. It really is appreciated.
Bruce
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824


Offline Gary O

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1045 on: February 08, 2012, 04:13:58 AM »
Here for ya, Brucie
Thanks for the love (I think)
I’m enjoying all that I own, the moment.

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” Emerson

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1046 on: February 08, 2012, 09:37:43 AM »
You are quite welcome. (I think)  ;D
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

Offline glenn kangiser

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1047 on: February 14, 2012, 09:16:15 PM »
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ’s people don’t want me to die.”
She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America ”.
So he grabbed the second pack and jumped..
The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the Anointed One."
So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my God the best I could.
I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That’s okay Dr. Graham.
There’s a parachute left for you. America ’s smartest President took my schoolbag."



yes - I copied and pasted... [waiting]
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

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Offline sparks

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1048 on: February 16, 2012, 09:20:16 PM »
  I see you did a 'copy and paste'

I'll try to do this one from ..........memory?

  Several months ago the Prez and his entourage stopped by a small country in Africa. As is custom, the Prez dined and commisserated with the locals............

 Afterwards, the Prez was asked to speak.......and so he did.

 Each of his statements, with all of the rhetorical stuff was met with an over whelming 'Oomgwalla'

 And the more he spoke, the Oomgwalla's became louder and louder.

 And soon the reply was, Oomgwalla-Oomgwalla

 The Prez went to bed that night , feeling that the people loved him.

 The next day, the Prez went on a tour of the local wildlife preserve......enjoying the view...

 Then suddenly the guide threw his arm out and yelled 'stop'!

 The Prez was stunned....."what's wrong?"

 The guide pointed down at the ground......and said....."must be careful.....you nearly stepped in huge pile of Oomgwalla-gwalla......

My vessel is so small....the seas so vast......

Offline firefox

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Re: Humor
« Reply #1049 on: February 27, 2012, 08:11:10 PM »
Take a piece of blank paper and a pen or pencil.
Write on the piece of paper the word "the",
Now write down the abreviation for
the Internal Revenue Service emeadiatly
after it.
If you view the two things as a single word, what word does it spell?
Bruce
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MVPA 23824


 

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