Humor

[muldoon]

The love story of Ralph and Edna.                     
                                                                                           
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to.....doesn't  mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.     
                                                                                           
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.           
                                                                                           
  Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.                 
                                                                                           
  When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.                               
                                                                                           
  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'   

                                                                                 
  Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.



      How soon can I go home?'       

[lonelytree]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .
After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, The next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
Meet Coldwater...............

[glenn kangiser]

[Sassy]

. Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month..
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING , PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bed room in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will   be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention  of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call..

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS!!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off

[Terry]

E-mail I received.....

The Dead  Horse
>
>
> Young  Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
>
> The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have
some bad news... the horse died."
>
> Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
>
> The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."
>
> Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
>
> The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
>
> Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
>
> The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
>
> Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me..  I just won't tell anybody
he's dead."
>
> A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened
with that dead horse?"
>
> Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $998."
>
> The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
>
> Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
>
> Chuck grew up and now works for the government.  He's the one who
figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

[muldoon]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranchhand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hiredhand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by
the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
'Now take off my bra. Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Terry]

Oh, that was a good one, muldoon. 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Be careful using those cell phones!
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/389708/cell_phones_cause_accidents/   

[Redoverfarm]

Fart Football

  An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man
passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

  His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'  The
old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

  A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown,
tie score.'

  After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says,  'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'


  Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

  Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and, accidentally poops in the bed.

  The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

  The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides!'

[lonelytree]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

[firefox]

All I Need is a Miracle

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a
genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing,
low wages in third-world countries and fierce global
competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm
good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been
trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with
my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, rich, super
handsome, a great lover and is completely faithful and won't
even think about another woman. That's what I wish for. A good
mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said,

"Let me see that map again."

Bruce

[Redoverfarm]

Rasing Chickens


An Urbanite relocated to rural America.  When he visited a farmer which was a neighbor the farmer stated that he raises chickens for a living.  The city slicker got the idea that he too could make a living off of raising chickens and asked the farmer to sell him some chickens to get started.  The farmer sold the slicker 100 chickens.

After a week had passed the farmer met the slicker in town and asked him how his chickens were doing and the slicker said they all died.  Stunned the farmer thought that he had sold him so ill chickens and agreed to give him 100 more for his trouble.

After another week the farmer again met the slicker and inquired about his chickens.  To his dismay the slicker said that all of them died as well.  Stunned the farmer asked the slicker what he was doing to kill the chickens.

The slicker said I am not sure how they are dieing.  I am either planting them too deep or too close together.

[Drew]

I had the same problem.  More compost.

[firefox]

Auntie Sharon

    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
    parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
    stories.

    Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
    One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat
    of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got
    broken.

    'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

    'Very good,' said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
    But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs,
    but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
    story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

    'That was a fine story Sarah.'

    Michael, do you have a story to share?'

    'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
    was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
    whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
    landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
    bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
    broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your
    daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

    'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[firefox]

THE FORBIDDEN Saturday Night Live SKIT


It really zings everyone!

THE FORBIDDEN Saturday Night Live SKIT

Here it is, but stopped by administration from airing?
SNL did a "Bailout" skit, which has created some
rather awkward problems for NBC. They spiked the
video and tried to shut it down on the Internet.
But aha, there's still some sites that have it.

http://msunderestimated.com/SNLBailoutSkit.wmv

Very startling to see Saturday Night Live absolutely
nail the history and culprits of the Big Bailout.
No wonder the powers at NBC pulled the skit.
Through impersonations they present stark truth,
perhaps one of the most surprising presentations
almost allowed on NBC.

[apaknad]

got me on that one. gave me quite a chuckle

[Sassy]

Yeah, it'd be really funny if it wasn't so true!   

[Squirl]

I remember watching this that night.  The reason they pulled this was because of the Herbert and Marion Sandler reference. They were afraid of the litigation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Sandler

[Redoverfarm]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
     
         
     
      The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
     
             
      And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
     
      'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
     
      children!  I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
     
           
      And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
     
      tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but
     
      they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
     
            
      And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
     
      home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
     
      and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
     
      car.
     
         
      I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
     
      told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
     
            
      So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
     
      made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
     
      you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
     
            
      Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
     
      was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
     
      threw them away.
     
           
      Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
     
      that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
     
      not the "in" name this year.
     
           
      I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
     
      you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
     
            
      I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
     
      wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
     
      expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
     
      same.'
     
            
      The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
     
      my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
     
      to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything
     
      else that your wife doesn't use?'     

[firefox]

        > Subject: My dear bank
        > Date: Tue, 3 Mar 2009 12:55:55 -0500
        >
        >
        > Subject: Letter to the Bank...
        >
        > Dear Sirs,
        >
        > In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my
        > checks is returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me
        > or to you?
        >
        > Sincerely
        >
        >

[Redoverfarm]

Got to love kids !



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," the child began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went
'Sssss, sssss, sssss,' and before she could say 'shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

[glenn kangiser]

   Email funnies

1) I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
     

        * Internal Revenue  'Service'
        * U.S. Postal  'Service'
        * Telephone 'Service'
        * Cable TV 'Service'
        * State, City, County & Public 'Service'
        * Customer 'Service'

     
    This is NOT what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing. Now you are as enlightened as I am.
     

    2) New Denny's Breakfast
     
    In honor of Nadia Suleman, the mother of the octuplets (and 6 others by same method), Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
     
    The In-Vitro Slam
     
    You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the person next to you has to pay the bill.
     

[Alasdair]

 

[MountainDon]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.

[Sassy]

    I thought about DH & his Blackberry phone with all the songs he's downloaded