Humor

Redoverfarm · June 25, 2008, 01:38:33 PM

Will I live to see 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well'
for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'

ScottA · June 25, 2008, 03:03:26 PM

June 26, 2008, 07:02:08 AM

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to someplace expensive......

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

MountainDon · June 26, 2008, 10:31:39 PM

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

John Raabe · June 26, 2008, 11:37:40 PM

Perfect!!

June 27, 2008, 11:29:16 PM

High Flying

Presidential candidates
Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, 'You know I could
throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could
throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred
$10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their
exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out
of the window and make 325 million people very happy.'

I'm
voting for the Pilot!

glenn kangiser · June 27, 2008, 11:59:38 PM

I'd pay for his Av-Gas.

apaknad · June 28, 2008, 09:25:15 AM

just read page 18, had me LMAO.

got to go back and read the other pages.

Redoverfarm · July 02, 2008, 04:41:19 PM

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to
cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place . .. smack him again!"

If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you

Ernest T. Bass · July 02, 2008, 10:02:17 PM

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address. Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed and passed out cold.

The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen.

"My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

John Raabe · July 03, 2008, 03:32:32 PM

Classic! Just told it to friends...

Thanks, John

Redoverfarm · July 08, 2008, 06:32:06 PM

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same
as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

Homegrown Tomatoes · July 09, 2008, 10:18:05 AM

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

' A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

July 09, 2008, 12:13:17 PM

Redoverfarm · July 09, 2008, 03:55:23 PM

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY
REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR
VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

muldoon · July 09, 2008, 05:31:00 PM

Those are awesome.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

One thing I have learned is that if someone shows up to fix something and has either duct tape or wd40 it's a clear sign they don't know what they are doing.

WD40 is a terrible lubricant, it actually can produce rust over the long term. It's a water displacement compound - not a lubricant. A better approach might be PB blaster or even LPS. Duck tape is not even used in duct work unless its the aluminum backed type .. which is not what people think of when you say "duck tape". It melts in the sun and delaminates. terrible stuff.

John_C · July 09, 2008, 05:42:50 PM

I don't care much for WD-40 but I subscribe to the theory that you can do almost anything with duct tape. I offer as proof the duct tape prom dresses.

http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp

apaknad · July 10, 2008, 09:13:04 AM

geez, next you're going to tell me there's no santa claus.

what am i to believe anymore?

Homegrown Tomatoes · July 10, 2008, 11:16:17 AM

Quote from: John C on July 09, 2008, 05:42:50 PM
I don't care much for WD-40 but I subscribe to the theory that you can do almost anything with duct tape. I offer as proof the duct tape prom dresses.
http://www.ducktapeclub.com/contests/prom/entries.asp

I'm impressed... some of those were really elaborate. I sewed my own prom dresses when I was in school, but they weren't quite as flashy...

July 10, 2008, 08:37:00 PM

Now that's a good idea. I think I'll send my daughter to her prom wrapped in duct tape. And barbed wire.

John_C · July 10, 2008, 08:41:19 PM

Actually there is a $3000 scholarship for the couple with the best Duck Tape Prom outfit.

glenn kangiser · July 11, 2008, 01:26:01 AM

I think it's only appropriate that I bring this up again now.

http://tapesculpture.org/index.html

http://tapesculpture.org/gallery.html

Homegrown Tomatoes · July 11, 2008, 11:14:31 AM

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the
preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone
with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, 'Bubba, what
you want me to pray about?'
Bubba says, 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing.'
So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's
right ear and his left hand on top of his head and
prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left
finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top
of his head and prays some more.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands
and says, 'Bubba, how's your hearing now?'
Bubba says, 'I don't know preacher, it ain't til
next Wednesday '

glenn kangiser · July 11, 2008, 11:39:59 AM

Hmm... wonder if Bubba still had to make a donation? hmm

Humor

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