Humor

[Redoverfarm]

Whats the difference between a good ole boy and a redneck .... a good ole boy raises livestock and a red neck get emotionally involved.

[RainDog]

A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent.

The rancher replied,

"That would be me."

[MaineRhino]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."

[Redoverfarm]

 

[StinkerBell]

The women folk should enjoy this

http://www.youtube.com/user/oldspice?feature=chclk

its only 30 seconds, but very funny

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Dorky, but funny.

[StinkerBell]

Absolute cheesy factor. But for whatever reason it just makes me laugh.

[Redoverfarm]

Retiree Bathtub Test
>
> During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
> whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"
>
> "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to
> empty the bathtub"
>
> "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
> bucket because it
> is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
>
> "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
> a bed near the window?"

[RainDog]

Good one.

[gandalfthegrey]

Wife calls husband on the cell phone.  "You be careful driving home, there is a nut going the wrong way on I87."

He replies: "one? There are hundreds of them." 

[MaineRhino]

What to do when you are bored at work ...



1. Kill a few Flies

2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.

3. Once they are dry, grab a pencil and paper... Let your  imagination flow.


Here are a few examples...























Makes me wonder, though, where does someone work that there are this many
flies?   

 

[Redoverfarm]

 

[RainDog]

That's hilarious!

I mean, in a really, really weird way.

[bayview]

   I know that they are just flies . . .    But, that is kind of sick.

/

[poppy]

WRONG BITCH
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train a gain, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[MountainDon]

 

[glenn kangiser]

Regarding flies --- and old friend has related some of the stories of his younger days to me in an email - I think he is around 85 now.

"Yeah I went to third grade in a little town called lake view where there was no lake it was a little wooden building with first through high school with 3 and 4 grades in every room. The desks were  made for two students and I had a girl sitting next to me so I put my arm around her and then she smiled and didn't mind but the teacher did and she sent me into the room with the big kids and put me in a chair in front of the class.

That! was a big mistake! It was summer and the windows were open with no screens and there were flies .

I said to myself I'm going to get even and I caught a fly pulled off it's wings and let it run up and down my finger. The whole class was smiling and watching me and the teacher couldn't teach so she sent me back to my class. 

My mother came to school to talk to a teacher to see what was the matter and this teacher said he's just board stiff I've taught school in foreign countries and I know kids the other teachers just don't know how to handle him.

[RainDog]

From the NYT, Feb 16th.

"Dagestanis can tell ethnic jokes for hours, returning to beloved themes like the muscle-bound denseness of the Avars, the naked commercialism of the Dargins, the bookish pusillanimity of the Lezgins, the slyness of Lakhs and so on. And that's not counting jokes about especially dumb villages.

One example: An Avar is carrying a wounded Dargin off the battlefield. The Dargin entreats his friend to leave him behind, lest they both be killed, and asks the one favor of shooting him so he does not suffer. The Avar, finally convinced, pulls out his firearm but finds he has no ammunition. The Dargin roots in his pockets and pulls out a bullet. "I'll sell it to you," he says.

Or this one: An Avar is driving through Makhachkala with a Lakh in the passenger seat. Spotting a red light, he pumps the accelerator and speeds through it. "You just ran a red light!" the Lakh says. "Avars don't stop for red lights," the Avar explains, and speeds through another. In a few minutes, they come to a green light, and the Avar stops. "Why did you stop?" the Lakh asks. "You can't be too careful," his friend says, "an Avar might be coming the other way."

One anecdote has a guy approaching his neighbor Gitya, an Avar. He says, "Gitya, I heard a great joke the other day, but it's about Avars. I don't want to offend you, so I'll tell it about Azeris." He tells the joke, and Gitya laughs so hard that tears stream down his face. "Man," Gitya gasps, catching his breath. "Those Azeris sure are idiots!"

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/17/world/europe/17dagestan.html

[StinkerBell]

Obama administration gives recongnition to former President George W. Bush for his many years of public service. The Obama Administration will be honoring the 43rd President of the United States by naming the gap between the tectonic plates off the nation of Haiti after him. The area will now officially be named "Bush's Fault."

[Sassy]

Indian Wanting Coffee:


An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee......
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

[Sassy]

A friend just sent me this...

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Kwik Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly
maintained vehicle.
> >>
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
> >>Total: $31.00
> >>==========


> >>Oil Change instructions for Men:


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filterwrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill..
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between
knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
> >>
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

[Redoverfarm]

Subject: Old Cow

So this limo is heading down the road when suddenly....a cow jumps out into the road, the limo hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

The passenger, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old..

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says the passenger.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the passenger.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of Single-Malt Scotch, the wife gave me a
great meal and the daughter made fantastic love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the passenger ..

"I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[MountainDon]

Real life story....

I decided to replace the battery in the Honda. It's 4 years old and here in the  hot SW many batteries don't make it that far. I figure it's cheaper in the long run to change it before it dies.

So I took the old one to O'Reilly's and bought a new battery. The sales guy reminded me to remove the red and black plastic caps before hooking it up. I replied by saying, "Nobody would really hook the cables up with them in place, would they?"

He reached under the counter and tossed a baggie with two caps in it on the counter. I could see what appeared to be clamp marks.

He told me that a guy came in, bought a new battery, toook it home and installed it. Nothing worked. He called to say his new battery was no good. "Bring it back in here" he was told.

Yep. When he brought it into the store the plastic caps were still in place and it was obvious the terminals had been clamped over the protectors.

We had a real good laugh about that. Best one of the day so far.   

[RainDog]

Real life story....

I decided to replace the battery in the Honda. It's 4 years old and here in the  hot SW many batteries don't make it that far. I figure it's cheaper in the long run to change it before it dies.

So I took the old one to O'Reilly's and bought a new battery. The sales guy reminded me to remove the red and black plastic caps before hooking it up. I replied by saying, "Nobody would really hook the cables up with them in place, would they?"

He reached under the counter and tossed a baggie with two caps in it on the counter. I could see what appeared to be clamp marks.

He told me that a guy came in, bought a new battery, toook it home and installed it. Nothing worked. He called to say his new battery was no good. "Bring it back in here" he was told.

Yep. When he brought it into the store the plastic caps were still in place and it was obvious the terminals had been clamped over the protectors.

We had a real good laugh about that. Best one of the day so far.   

That's great! Best thing about it is how the sales guy saved the caps so as to have a laugh at the poor schmuck each and every time someone new came in to buy a battery. How MEAN!

 

[glenn kangiser]

New Mexico chili cook-off e-mail -- Frank - is that you?


NEW MEXICO CHILI COOK OFF......... .......



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then

there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This

is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile

cook-off in New Mexico .



Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay

attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

judge is even better.



For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about

the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza .  Judge #3 was an

inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting

from Springfield , IL .



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the

judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light

truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two

judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing

kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this

stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the

worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.



CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang..

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be

taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the

Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.

Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I

ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced

from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side

dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,

but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste

buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with

fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ..

just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chile an

aphrodisiac?



CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers freshly

ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more

tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong

statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my

forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and

four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me

brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm

burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other

judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chile.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,

onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled

with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I

farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.

Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt

with a snow cone.



CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw

in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should

take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears

to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull

the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in

one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing

water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed

out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what

killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need

air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my

stomach.



CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend  chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its

existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.

Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost

when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the

chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chile?

Judge # 3 - No Report.