Humor

[Drew]

Also, thanks to Drew for the enlightening graphic! (Would you mind turning that light off for me?)

Just think of planning departments and income taxes, John.  It'll go off by itself. 

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

                         The Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people

who remarked it was a shame the old man

was walking and the boy was riding.


The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

so they changed positions.

 
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,

'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
 

So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought

they were stupid to walk when they had a

decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.


Now they passed some people

who shamed them by saying how awful to

put such a load on a poor donkey.
 

The boy and man figured they were probably right,

so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge,

they lost their grip on the animal

and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone,

you might as well...
 
Kiss your ass goodbye!

[glenn kangiser]

...and that's about the way it is.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

First of all, let me say my apologies to Alabamans... I like Alabama, really I do.  We even went on vacation there last year.  My uncle in Texas sent this to me this morning, and I thought it was funny, though!


REDNECK BIRTH CONTROL
> After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
> enough, they could not afford a larger bed.  So the husband
> went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
> didn't want to have any more children.
>   
>  The doctor told him there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> expensive.  "A less costly alternative," said the
> doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (Fireworks
> are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
> hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
>   
>  The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a
> cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
> me."
>   
>  "Trust me," said the doctor.
>   
>  So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
> beer can.
>   
>  He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>   
>  1
>   
>  2
>   
>  3
>   
>  4
>   
>  5
>   
>  At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his
> legs and continued counting on the other hand,

[Redoverfarm]

WOMEN OVER 40 YEARS OLD

This is sort of humorous in nature but mostly true.  Andy Rooney from CBS recited this on 60 minutes. 


As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! 

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! 

[ScottA]

True stuff. 

[Sassy]

This just in from Glenn's daughter...

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"In case the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[ScottA]

 

[muldoon]

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.  This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, because gas prices were so high and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in 08'.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

[Sassy]

   classic 

[glenn kangiser]

Good one... muldoon

[apaknad]

that's a good one muldoon, made my morning(that and coffee).

[Sassy]

This joke is from my cousin in Nebraska...  I cleared it through the "Administrator"

The Brothel ~


The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' North Carolina '

'Really' she said. 'I have family in North Carolina '

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Sassy]

and here's another that just might help all the guys better understand their wives or the women in their lives...

Public Restrooms


You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line
of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn ,
you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.


You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait
has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the
modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was
one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around
your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'


In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can
hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the
seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs
shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the
same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .


Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and
life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You
know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you
could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the
empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the
wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper
you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and
walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from
your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper
from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
'Here, you just might need this.'


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?'


This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so
the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!

[lonelytree]

My  80 year old neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.  At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist says:  'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
The druggist says:  'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

Wrong Bitch





The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.  The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"



The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat."



The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.  "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired."



She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"



This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.



The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour!  Put this American in his place!"



An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You hold the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Redoverfarm]

                               
                                    Stutter


A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students. 'Human 
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl 
raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, 
knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the 
girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the 
back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got 
a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence 
into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said 
the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, 
Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.

[Redoverfarm]

Pay Attention

First-year students at Vet school were receiving their First anatomy class,
with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling
them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body.' For example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students. The students freaked out, but eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
 
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough; it's
even tougher if you're stupid.

[glenn kangiser]

:barf

[Redoverfarm]

                               Multiply‏

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'


So - if you give her crap,

you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle

[ScottA]

 

[Redoverfarm]

This is a little long but pretty funny.




Chuckle for the Day...



You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully
appreciate this.   

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you? 


COSTELLO:  Thanks.  I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  Your computer?

COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

ABBOTT:  Mac?

COSTELLO:  I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT:  What about Windows?

COSTELLO:  Why?  Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO:  I don't know.  What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT:  Wallpaper.

COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT:  Software for Windows?

COSTELLO:  No.  On the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run

my business.  What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT:  I just did.

COSTELLO:  You just did what?

ABBOTT:  Recommend something.

COSTELLO:  You recommended something?

ABBOTT:  Yes.

COSTELLO:  For my office?

ABBOTT:  Yes

COSTELLO:  OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT:  Office.

COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT:  I recommend Office with Window's.

COSTELLO:  I already have an office with windows!  OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT:  Word

COSTELLO:  What word?

ABBOTT:  Word in Office.

COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO:  Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT:  The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers.  What about
financial bookkeeping?  You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  That's right.  What do you have?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT:  It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO:  What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT:  Money.

COSTELLO:  Money comes with my computer?


ABBOTT:  Yes.  No extra charge.

COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer?  How much?

ABBOTT:  One copy.

COSTELLO:  Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO:  They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT:  Why not?  THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT:  Super Duper computer store.  Can I help you?

COSTELLO:  How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT:  Click on 'START'
     

[muldoon]

a few good ones from my overflowing email box after not checking for a week.. 

Becky was on her death bed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"



One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"


A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."




A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees
this HUGE African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and
says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3
pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big
guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says,
"What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
me?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just
give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around."