Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.



"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.

Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.



"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery,

spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."



"The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?""

Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?"  inquires the Inspector.



"He thought he was having his picture taken."

During my physical, my doctor asked me about
my daily activity level, and so I described a typical
day this way:

" Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along
the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild
dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several
rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of
quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake
and 'peed' four times behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You
sound like one **** of an outdoors man!"

'No,' I replied, "I'm just a ****ty golfer.

A nun walked up to a group of men outside a pub in Dublin and began berating them for drinking.

One of the men asked her if she had ever tasted good Irish whiskey.

"Strong drink has never passed me lips young man" said the nun.

"Well Sister...how can ye pass judgement on something without trying it?" he said.

She thought about it a minute and say "Sure your right.....maybe I should taste a drop."

The gent said he would get her a drink and started to enter the pub.

The sister says, "would you get it in a teacup young man.....I wouldn't want the people seeing me drinking liquor out of a glass."

The guy goes in and tells the bartender to give him a shot of Irish in a teacup.

The bartender looks over the bar and says "is that dared nun out there again?"

 Ole lived across the Minnesota river from Clarence, whom he didn't like at all.

They were yelling across the river at each other all the time.

Ole would yell at Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofer dere an beat
you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha, by golly!"

Clarence would yell back, "Ya don't scare me, ya old turd. I cud beatcha wit one hand
behind me back, fer sure!"

This went on for years.

Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up
dat Clarence like you said you vud?"

Ole replied, "OK, by yimmy, I tink I vill do yust dat!"

Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then
turned around and came back home.

Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen
I yell at him from across DA river, he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on DA bridge
dat says "Clarence is 13 feet, 6 inches.
__________________

Good Ones Firefox   

   The Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Home Sick





If You're From NJ...You'll understand.

I'm in South Carolina.... and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Newark".

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

The near-naked woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?"

She then wiggled her backside and walked off.

"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Err... Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "Whose profession? Yours or hers?".

An important reminder about remembering appointments. 

 * I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. At first I swore it wouldnt sync, but its syncing now
* When chemists die, they barium.
* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
* I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
* This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
* We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? * When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
* Broken pencils are pointless.
* I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
* I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
* All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
* I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
* Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
* Velcro—what a rip off!
* A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
* Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
* The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
* Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

This was sent to me from a close friend...kinda cute...it may have been around...forgive me

My inconclusive travel plans for 2013

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! You might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior:  "Life is short.  Smile while you still have your teeth."
From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!                   

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.


She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.


In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."


He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTHERN ALBERTA COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER
THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH
OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.

SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 40-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

It has been awhile since there has been a post to this thread. Here is a tech update for those who remember Al Capp.

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How ...much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Quote from: firefox on September 08, 2013, 06:05:09 PM
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How ...much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

The day I got fired at Green Giant at Buhl, Idaho

  Sort of reminds me of when we were switching refrigerated boxcars at Green Giant Corn at Buhl, Idaho in 1977.  TJ and I were standing there shaded up smoking a cigarette waiting for them to finish loading.  When they pulled the loading ramps we could then pull the cars spotted at the loading dock then shove in and spot fresh empties.  They had like a 3:00 PM release meaning they were supposed to be finished and all the cars sealed and billed by 3:00 PM.  Those after that were billed the next day.  However if there were loading ramps in cars and they still had crews and forklifts in them, we sure could not pull them.  So the best we could do is be ready and wait.

A young manager appeared with a white hard hat.  He stood there beside us as we watched the forklifts shuttling in more cases of frozen corn products.  He would shuffle his feet and glare at us.  Pretty soon he disappeared and reappeared with a flock of older managers all wearing white hard hats.  As they approached we nodded hello and one that must have been the most senior asked where we worked.  TJ felt the hook set - me I was not so in tune.  TJ sort of pointed off to the railroad cars.  The older manager said that we should go clock out and tell personal we were let go.  TJ by now had lit another cigarette and was rolling it around in his fingers as he looked in to the senior mangers eyes and calmly said he figured he did not have the authority to fire us.  Now the manger's face was glowing red and the others were as white as their hard hats.  The manager informed us he indeed did.  TJ took a long drag of his cigarette looked at him and asked if he fired us who was going to switch his railroad cars?  The manager asked, "You guys work for the railroad?"  Yep we are standing right here ready to go.  That is if your crews ever get done here, as it is they are about an hour late.  Off went the white hat entourage with  the young manager in tow.  I worked for Union Pacific for another 33 years...................  

Rick, that gave me a laugh for the morning.  Thanks.

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?

"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, you're the expert!!".

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'YES.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Just did a delete on all of Congress......it came back as some sort of 'file error'.......oh, well

A short line or two from an aquaintence of mine...............

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

sparks

Although humorous this is an actual event regarding the wintertime mail delivery in an area of Pocahontas Couty know as Cheat Mountain. 

The Trotter brothers had the contract to deliver mail from Staunton, Virginia to Parkersburg, West Virginia. After several complaints about their sporadic service, the Postmaster General sent a reprimand from his cozy little office in Washington, D.C. The brothers had no doubt received some of these complaints in person and this letter was just about the last straw. They responded to the Postmaster's letter, "If you knock the gable end of Hell out and back it up against Cheat Mountain and rain fire and brimstone for forty days and forty nights, it won't melt the snow enough to get your damned mail through on time." The Trotters never heard the Postmaster complain again.

This epistle, later framed and hung in the office of the Postmaster General

My buddy - my grandson today in school per his mom

Christian's question in class today:
Teacher: "Christian, is this a 5th grade question or a quantum physics question?"
Christian: "How is an atom the smallest possible thing if you can split an atom."
Teacher: "Well, if we lived in Europe and had a particle collider we could talk about that but since we live in Boise, we're going to say an atom is the smallest thing."
Christian raises his hand again.
Teacher: "I'm not sure I want to call on you."

Quote from: rick91351 on September 08, 2013, 10:20:18 PM
The day I got fired at Green Giant at Buhl, Idaho

  Sort of reminds me of when we were switching refrigerated boxcars at Green Giant Corn at Buhl, Idaho in 1977.  TJ and I were standing there shaded up smoking a cigarette which I got from ecigfiend, waiting for them to finish loading.  When they pulled the loading ramps we could then pull the cars spotted at the loading dock then shove in and spot fresh empties.  They had like a 3:00 PM release meaning they were supposed to be finished and all the cars sealed and billed by 3:00 PM.  Those after that were billed the next day.  However if there were loading ramps in cars and they still had crews and forklifts in them, we sure could not pull them.  So the best we could do is be ready and wait.

A young manager appeared with a white hard hat.  He stood there beside us as we watched the forklifts shuttling in more cases of frozen corn products.  He would shuffle his feet and glare at us.  Pretty soon he disappeared and reappeared with a flock of older managers all wearing white hard hats.  As they approached we nodded hello and one that must have been the most senior asked where we worked.  TJ felt the hook set - me I was not so in tune.  TJ sort of pointed off to the railroad cars.  The older manager said that we should go clock out and tell personal we were let go.  TJ by now had lit another cigarette and was rolling it around in his fingers as he looked in to the senior mangers eyes and calmly said he figured he did not have the authority to fire us.  Now the manger's face was glowing red and the others were as white as their hard hats.  The manager informed us he indeed did.  TJ took a long drag of his cigarette looked at him and asked if he fired us who was going to switch his railroad cars?  The manager asked, "You guys work for the railroad?"  Yep we are standing right here ready to go.  That is if your crews ever get done here, as it is they are about an hour late.  Off went the white hat entourage with  the young manager in tow.  I worked for Union Pacific for another 33 years...................

Well it was very exciting one.. I will share it with my friends and they will crack of the day:)