Humor

[glenn kangiser]

[John Raabe]

Absolutely classic! 

Thanks for making my morning.

[Alasdair]

 

[Redoverfarm]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'l l hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'

----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

[considerations]

This one just made me laugh 

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/Trucking_Duck_All__National_.html

[glenn kangiser]

  Pretty funny.

[Sassy]

HOW TO CALL
> THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD
> AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
>
> George
> Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian,
> Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told
> him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
> which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
> the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there
> were people in the shed stealing things.
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
> house?"
> He said "No," but some people are breaking into
> my garden shed and stealing from me.
>
> Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.
> You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when
> one is available."
>
> George said, "Okay."
>
> He hung
>  up the phone and counted to 30.
> Then he phoned the police again.
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
> there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
> don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
> them." and he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes, six Police
> Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a
> Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>
> One of the Policemen said to George, "I
> thought you said that you'd shot them!"
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
> available!"
>
> (True Story) I LOVE IT!
> Don't mess with old people.
>
> Live well, laugh often, love much!!!

[glenn kangiser]

Octomom - $1000,000 video clip released....

[MountainDon]

Grandma's letter...

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window,   ' For the love of God! '
' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[glenn kangiser]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. 

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir." 

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
   

[firefox]

        HONEYMOON SURPRISE

        A  young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

        "I had tolio as a child," he answered.
        "You mean polio?" she asked.
        "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

        When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
        "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
        "You mean measles?" she asked.
        "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
        The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

        As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
        "Don't tell me," she said.
        "Let me guess...




                    
         
        |
        V
         
         
         




        Smallcox?"

[Sassy]

The old priest lay dying in the hospital.  For years he had faithfully served the people of the Nation's capital.   He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.


"I would really like to see Harry Reid andNancy Pelosi before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response.  Soon the word arrived. Harry and Nancy would be delighted to visit the priest.  As they went to the hospital, Harry commented to Nancy," I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.  "Nancy couldn't help but agree.


When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Nancy's hand in his right hand and Harry's hand in his left.  There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally Nancy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."  The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

[John Raabe]

Google is having fun with April Fools Day 

Here's their new "Autopilot" feature: http://mail.google.com/mail/help/autopilot/index.html

[MountainDon]

 

[glenn kangiser]

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.



The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?"

The parrot says, " Kenya ..... they're all over the place!"

[Redoverfarm]

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO   

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.   

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.   

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'   

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'   

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.   

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.   
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'   

The other answered,   
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'   

MORAL OF THE STORY -   

Not all Irish are drunks,   
not all blondes are dumb,   
but all men...are men.

[Redoverfarm]

Hillbilly vasectomy‏


After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 

'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country)  light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor,   

'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1' 

'2'


'3'


'4'


'5'


( you'll love this..)


At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia,  and West Virginia.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing
his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was
not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the
mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What
a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife
with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

[gandalfthegrey]

And here is yet another example....

     Don't Talk to My Parrot


           Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat.  Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.  Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you . . . "

" . . . but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstan=

ces, talk to my parrot!"


           The bird spent the next two hours yelling, cursing and making loud noises.

            Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,



"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied,



"Get him, Spike!"


See--men just don't listen!

[MountainDon]

Louis CK on "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Thanks Don, that was hilarious.  I remember when I was growing up we only had a rotary dial phone... in fact, my mom still has it and still uses it.  But we had the fancy one with the loooonng cord that you could almost get across the kitchen with, and it would get tangled or knock stuff off the table.   My grandma had a bright orange one (still the same phone she uses in her bedroom now) that sat just inside the kitchen door, and there was a step-stool there that you could sit on if the conversation got long-winded because the cord was only about two feet long.  I was so fast at dialing my favorite cousin (and then you didn't have to dial a prefix, just the last four numbers) that I could tell by how long it took for the dial to get back around if I'd misdialed.  My cousins were on a party line, which I thought was great fun when I'd go visit them.  We'd pick up the phone and listen in on other people's conversations.

[Sassy]

Louis CK on "Everything's amazing, Nobody's happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jETv3NURwLc&feature=player_embedded

Thanks Don, that was great!     really puts things in perspective, doesn't he? 

[Sassy]

Just got this from Harry51

Terrorist Goes to Heaven

It was announced that Abu Musab al Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by American forces.

George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you fight against the nation I helped conceive.

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[Sassy]

PONDERISMS


·      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

·      Life is sexually transmitted.

·      Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

·      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

·      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

·      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

·      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

·      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'


·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

·      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

·      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[glenn kangiser]

Actual add from our Mariposa Freecycle adds.

"I just pulled out out old dishwasher Kenmoore Ultra wash II it needs a
timer. Come and get it we are near bootjack. If you recently moved
here you definitely need it in your front yard so you look local"