Dealing with Skeptics

[LK Fields]

I am a self-starter and generally am notdiscouraged by negative remarks from the nay-sayers.  HOWEVER...   I am married to a wonderful man who thinks we need to have a 3000 sq ft home for a family of four.  Sigh.

Have any of you had to deal with a partner who was not as enthusiastic about a small self-built cabin??  I am not wanting to change my husband..however I would like him to at least give this option a chance.

We own 65 acres in Georgia.  We currently rent a home 5 miles away from our property.  We cannot afford a home of $300K yet that is what my husband thinks we HAVE to have.  I would LOVE to build our own modest home.  My husband is good with his hands and does lots of woodworking.  He has built several barns and does a good job.  I *know* we could do this.  Yet he is sold on a huge wasteful log home.

Personally I feel we would be MUCH happier with a modest home we built ourselves and a much lower cost.

Any advice?  Tips?

[spinnm]

Does he want a kit of some kind?  One that you and he would erect?

Anyway, here's what I'd try.  Offer a compromise.
Design something that fits what you think your needs are.  But make that design expandable.  Make the expansion part of the initial design.

Then, if you do need more space it's easily obtainable.  One of you is wrong.  It could be you.
If you talk him into building small and you're the one who's wrong you'll hear the end of it about never.

Or, another idea.  Would it be possible to build your small house on a corner of the property that could be split off and sold if it turns out to be too small?

Or, could you turn your small house into a rental if the larger house is necessary?

Don't know how your man is, but I can't get mine to do squat if he thinks the project is foolish.

If you pick the expandable solution remember to design the kitchen big enough for a larger house.

[LK Fields]

My husband wants to buy a log kits, but doesn't want us to tackle that size of a home.

I have asked him about building smaller with the option of expanding later on.  He says no.  Sounds like our husbands are alike!  He won't back this idea because it sounds foolish to him.

I have ordered the Tumbleweed Tiny Houses book.  I am hoping that he will see that a smaller home doesn't mean less quality or a cramped lifestyle.

Thanks for the input.  We have some proerty we share with his brother and sister, alongside a river.  Maybe we can build something small there to satisfy me and he might just see it is a feasible idea.  :-)

Lori

[jraabe]

In my first year after I hung out my shingle and started designing houses, I think I worked with eight different couples who where planning to design and build a new house.

Of the eight five decided to get a divorce rather than build a house.

For a long time I wondered if I was the kiss of death for marriages.

However, I now know that planning a house is about projecting and building a future. Couples who have been able to adjust to rentals and other people's houses together without problems are sometimes surprised to find they don't project the same future.

[melwynnd]

LK,

My husband also had the "we need a big house" syndrome.  Hello!! Family of three, daughter already 12!

So I let him build a 2000 sq foot steel shop before we start on the house.  That way I can say the house is MY project.  So I get to pick the house plans now.  His only request is that I don't pick one that is just a single square like the 2 story cottage.  Anyway, this worked for us............

Sherry

[RAB]

I can relate to John's view points on big homes. Built/designed for 4 different couples, empty box's when done, all relationships strained, all congregated in "smaller" TV room. What a waste!

Not to take away from Johns designs but Sarah Susanka books merit a good look. I often show them to potential clients for the very view point of her titles.

http://notsobighouse.com/
http://www.powells.com/authors/susanka.html

Ryan B

[Amanda_931]

John has a point.  

Especially planning to build together is stress-making.  As opposed to saying of an existing house, "yep, it'll probably do fine."  I too have known marriages to bust up over building--or extensive remodeling--a house.

It's even stress-making for one person.
  :-/

You could get your heart set on a travel trailer and then size up to a small house!

Really, melwynnd's solution may be the best I've heard.

Check out on John's book page, Christopher Alexander's A Pattern Language.  There's also a web site.  The book is wildly expensive, but I think I know a dozen or so people who have built with it, on line and in person.  And I think that all professed themselves satisfied with the results.

[borgdog]

him build a 2000 sq foot steel shop

Heck with a 2000 sq ft shop, I don't need a house.  

We have upped and downsized our weekend place so many times its rediculous.  Always argue about bedroom on main floor or not, space for kids to sleep when they come visit, and stairs.  We have currently settled on the VC plans without the bedroom wing, full loft w/bedroom, all on full daylight basement (sloped lot).

[Greenbank]

We don't hanker after guests and don't have kids, nor will we, so it's a non-issue for us (thinking about room for guests).

One nice thing about our area is that there are tons of B&Bs. I've always offered to pay the overnight at a B&B for parents when they want to visit, even a few nights a year are MUCH cheaper than several largely unused rooms.

I've never particularly liked dual function guest rooms, either, but that's just me. I spend a LOT of time in my office, and have a lot of sensitive stuff on my computer (not secret, just not stuff I want "damaged"). Last thing I need is my workplace off limits because my brother and his family are camped out there, with kids wondering what the blue screen on Uncle's computer means.  

[spinnm]

Yep, I think Sherry's extremely insightful to let her husband have his mongo shop first.  Most men, including mine, wouldn't care about the house if they had that.

That's actually what I'm doing too.  40x60 metal building.  High enough to get a storage mezzanine in some portion of it.  12' lean-tos running down both 60' sides that can be quickly enclosed later on if necessary.

He's happily planning the work stations for various activites.  Gonna put a shower, toilet and slop sink in it and dare him to come inside to the house.

Life is good

[jraabe]

I think the "man's world" building idea is a good one!  

The story I posted above took place almost 30 years ago when both myself and most of my clients were younger. We were all more likely to be romantics then who thought Mr or Ms right was out there somewhere and it was worth starting over again with a new relationship just to get the perfect house.

Perhaps, like me, you are now older (wiser?, well maybe...)

Certainly less likely to think romance will solve all the adjustments needed when two imperfect human beans cohabitate.

I know I don't have the energy...

[glenn-k]

Hi Lori,

I was thinking over your problem today while working in the valley.  I remembered a site by a fairly reputable log home builder. His stuff makes sense to me and I think it would be a good idea if you at least check out his recommendations before you settle on a kit home.

Here is a link to his site-- study it over well then either heed his advice or ignore it as you wish.
Start with his warning page then check out the rest of the site.

http://www.loghomebuilders.org/log-cabin-kits.htm

http://www.loghomebuilders.org/

Glenn  

[Amanda_931]

I'd agree with Glen (and the site) on building log cabins.  

Somewhere I've got a book that talks about that method of building cabins--probably up in storage.

Then there's this one.  It really doesn't need to be built with logs that big--his "plans" say as small as 4" at the small end.  and unless they came dried, you'd need a lot of help to put those big things upright on the foundation.  Boom pole on a tractor helps.  Landscape screws are good for this.

but it's lovely and sturdy.

some gal who wrote for Countryside and/or Mother Earth News did a big one, which she left a t-shirt soaked in linseed oil on the deck while they went to town to celebrate.  Then she built another one.  She used standing dead pine for hers.  Logs would be a lot lighter than mixed, freshly cut hardwoods.

Plans--more a description than plans, but the price is just about right.

http://www.alaskacabin.net/

There are a couple of these in this county.  One, by a man who hauled logs.  So it was pretty easy for him to get two sides of each log taken off by a local sawmill.

The second used up some tornado damaged logs.

mine's the third.  Still unfinished.  Ahem.  But I did get framing lumber for the unfinished side, plan to use NOT COB but light clay to fill it in.

[DavidLeBlanc]

I'd wonder if someone who is hung up on building a very large house doesn't have some sort of psychology/self image/ego/prestiege thing going on...

[Epiphany]

If that's true, then we have a very large state full of them here (Texas).  Minus me and Jimmy Cason, of course...

[Amanda_931]

Some ego/prestige/etc. stuff going on.  

But also:

Bigger than my parents' house--because that's the way things are supposed to be.

Want to live HERE--good neighborhood, good schools etc. and fit in.

And lots and land are so &*$$!!# expensive that  putting a large house on the land doesn't seem like that much of a big deal.

Would we rather have a small house plus 5 outbuildings?