CHRISTMAS

[benevolance]

I want a new mother in law...

Seriously... major problems at the homwefront... my wife has been crying every night.. not good

[StinkerBell]

Ut oh, thats not good at all.

[MountainDon]

Best wishes and good luck, Peter.  

[benevolance]

Well the problem is sort of averted...I just told the mother in law I would never go to her house again...She can come to mine... but she has to follow the rules in my house... mainly no putting me or my wife down... etc...

the whole family thinks I am an asshole now..Because I marched up to her and told her to take a good look at my ass... Because it is the last part of me you will ever see as I walk out the door..

I am glad that it is just over...I know it is hard for my wife...But I will not have someone criticize me over and over ditto for my wife... I cannot control what her mom does on her land...But I can control if I ever go onto her land...And thus I can make sure I never have to listen to that garbage ever again...

I am sort of happier now than I have been in months...Still my wife is upset..Which makes me feel bad..

Life goes on man.... life goes on... :-/

I always speak my mind...Half the time it gets me in trouble...Oh well I gotta be me

[StinkerBell]

It's done and now make sure you stand firm.
With that said I will give you a joke to ponder......


What is the difference between my mother in law and a pit bull?













She is the one with lipstick on.





I hope that cheers you up!

[glenn kangiser]

Wait a minute, Stink -- the pit bull is a female? :-?

[StinkerBell]

glen glen glen glen glen

[glenn kangiser]

 

[benevolance]

i will tell that joke to my wife

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Benevolence, good for you for standing up to your MIL.  Sometimes I don't think they realize the damage they do.  (I'm talking about my own mom and NOT my MIL here.)  My mom was frustrated with my husband once and called him stupid in front of our kids, in our house, at our dinner table.  My husband did not say a word.  Of course, I didn't hold my tongue; I wasn't mean either, but I told her that she would not be welcome in our house if she spoke to my husband like that.  It really took a while to get past it because it messed up the way the kids see their dad... they treated him like dirt for a few weeks, and treated me like dirt at times, too.  Part of the reason that we moved 900 miles from home was my mom's interference, but after a few years at this distance, we have a much better relationship with her.  I've already told her that if we do move back to OK, she can't come barging in on us every single weekend, unannounced, and using our house as a storage shed for all of her junk; she was a little miffed at first, but got over it quickly because she realized I wasn't saying stay away, but I was just asking for her to extend common courtesy.  Both of us have developed a little backbone in dealing with her since living away from her for a while because we're not so stinkin' mad at her all the time... it gives you a chance to look at things without emotion driving you crazy.  I don't wish for you a new MIL for Christmas, but wish you a new relationship with her that's healthier for all involved, including her.

[benevolance]

well

things have gotten pretty ugly...To the point where my wife wants to quit her job have us sell the house and move to Canada just to be rid of all the BS her mom is putting us through...funny as it sounds I am the only one talking her out of it...Telling her to stick with the teaching certificate program and to try to get past what her mom has said and done.

Her mom thinks I have horns and a tail... I imagine I would be to blame if her daughter moved 1800 miles away....Little does she know her daughter is ready to get as far away from her as possible...

Life is a funny kettle of fish sometimes.

The only thing I know is that no matter what happens I am the scapegoat... :-/

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

How close does this MIL live?   Sounds like your wife needs to speak up for herself (so that you don't get all the blame) and then stick to her guns on school.  Get caller ID, and if MIL calls and you're not in the mood to deal with it, don't answer.  If she shows up uninvited, politely tell her that you had other plans.  If either of you have other family nearby that you do get along with, don't move 1800 miles from home just to avoid MIL!  (Speaking from experience here.)  In spite of the fact that our almost three years away from home has been really good for us in a lot of  ways, I feel like we've missed out on so much with our kids not getting to be around their cousins and great-grandparents, and even great-great grandparents.  If you like the place you're in, and you like your work, and your wife likes her work, why let one person dictate where you live and what you do?  Sounds like MIL would be better off, and so would you and your wife, if you were to be very direct with her and set some ground rules and let her know what the consequences will be if she doesn't stick to them.... she'll be ticked at first, but you'll get along better in the long run.  Wish you the best.

I wish to be in Oklahoma for Christmas!

[fishing_guy]

Stick with it and don't make any drastic changes that you might regret later.

I got lucky.  My MIL turned out to be a pretty good one.  We lived with her for 10 years when she got laid off and had some health issues.  Did we fight?...sure.  Did she butt in sometimes?...sure.  But we looked past that, and when the grandkids came around, she was a totally different person.  Our kids loved the fact that they knew their grandma very well.  Hard to believe she's been gone 10 years now.

I am also seeing it from another side now too.  Our oldest just got married a couple of weeks ago, and my wife is much like her mom.  She loves my daughter, but has a propensity to stick her nose in things.  I have tried to tell her to back off a bit, but you know how that goes.  But over time, I think the new SIL will work out well for both of them.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I don't think most MIL's mean to interfere... most of them are probably really good  people with good intentions, but isn't it better to be direct about it than to sit and stew for days/months/years?  My mom is very blind to the stuff she does that drives people crazy... she sees it in everyone else, of course.  She always treated our house like it was her get away place.  She never asked, but would just show up... from the time my oldest daughter was born until the time we moved to WI she only missed two weekends showing up to "camp out" at our place for the weekend (that's two and a half years!!!)  She took our spare key for herself without asking, and if we didn't answer the door, she'd just let herself in!!! If we had planned to go somewhere, she'd just get in the car with us and go, and then expect us to pay, and we were dead broke at the time.  My food was never good enough for her because we didn't eat much meat because eating meat meant killing a hen that provided eggs... she'd show up and then want us to go out to eat, and then leave us with the bill EVERY time.  It was a total lack of courtesy and respect... she treated us like possessions rather than people.  It's sad because I was always very close to my mom, and it got to the point that I almost couldn't stand to be around her... she was damaging our marriage, and destroying my relationship with her.  Any lesser man than my husband would've divorced me over issues with my mom, and I'm not stretching it.  Every single time my mom showed up, she'd bring a van full of junk... stuff she picked up at yard sales, old stuff from her house that really should've been trashed, clutter...  she even parked a dead vehicle right outside our picture window at our old house for more than 5 years!!!  She didn't get rid of it until 3 days before we sold that house, and then only because I told  her that the realtor said it had to be gone or the deal wasn't going through.  I'd asked her to do it for me and my husband a hundred times or more, but she never would... it took the leverage of the realtor telling her to get rid of it.  
My kids love their grandma, and I wouldn't trade that relationship for anything... but I do get mad when I see her using guilt to manipulate them the way she's always done me.  She sometimes forgets that she is the grandma and not the mom... and I feel like she almost tries to take "ownership" of the kids....in a warped sort of way that is a little disturbing.  It also drives me nuts that when she gets onto my oldest daughter, she always yells my name instead of my daughter's.... more proof to me that she's trying to redo her parenting days??  I don't know.  I really want to move back closer to home, but my husband and I have decided that things WILL be different this time around.

[MountainDon]

G/L Peter.

Looks like it's High Noon.

Sounds like your wife has to have a serious talk with her Mom. You give her all the support you can muster.

[glenn kangiser]

G/L. Peter.

Homegrown, it sounds like if you move back you still need to be far enough away for it to be inconvenient to just drop in.  :-?:-/

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Aw, Heck, if we were within 5 hours, she'd find a way to just "drop in" if we didn't put a stop to it.  I used to get really mad at her, thinking she was fully aware of what a pain in the butt she was being.  Then just about 6 months ago she was here for my daughter's birthday, and we were talking about the potential for us to move back home.  I mentioned that my aunt was the only person who seemed to be against us moving back home, and mom said, "Ha, yeah, she tends to think that I interfere too much with your marriage and am too close to you. Can you believe that?"  I was dumbfounded for a few minutes and finally I got up the nerve to reply, "You do interfere too much.  If we move back, you can't just come over at will every single weekend.  You need to learn to call and ask first."  She really didn't have a clue that what she was doing was harmful... she kind of sulled up for a few minutes, but since then, I've had a better relationship with her because I feel like at least I was straightforward.  I didn't go so far as to tell her that she is the reason that my husband didn't even look for work in state when he finished his doctoral work, but she knows that if we move back, our house is not her place of escape.  It's also one of the many reasons we want a little house... no place for her to crash for the weekend comfortably enough to want to stay long term.  Our old house in OK was about 45 minutes from my mom's... this time, we plan on looking on the opposite side of the county just for that reason... we want to be close but not "too close".  My grandma is starting to need more help, and I really want to be close enough that I can go down for the day and help her clean her house or mow the yard or whatever.  I think that a lot of mom's issues (and probably mine, too) come from the fact that when she got a divorce when I was 6, I was put in charge of the house while she went to work... I did all the cooking and cleaning and so forth, and when I moved out and went to college, her house went to pot because I wasn't there to take  care of everything... she still blames me for the chaos in her home and I've been gone from home for 16 years or more.  I think to a degree she still resents my husband for taking away her cook and housekeeper.  The older I get, the more ridiculous some of those claims become...they don't make me feel guilty at all anymore, but I do feel sad for her.  I wish more than anything she had a life of her own, friendships of her own, and responsibility for her own actions (and inactions.)  I just hope I remember all this when my girls grow up and get married... at least I have more than one so that I can spread the craziness around a bit!!!  For anyone who has ever considered only having one child, don't do it!  Either have more than one, or remain childless...  I have an adopted sister, but because she didn't come along until much later (she was about 15 when I was 13) all of mom's hopes are tied up in me.  It is too much for one person to deal with... My husband jokes all the time about signing mom up on Eharmony.com because we both know if she had someone else, she wouldn't be hyperfocused on us.  I wouldn't bat an eye if he actually signed her up.  

[glenn kangiser]

It might be good if he did it and even let her know that the two of you felt sorry for her being all alone.

I am very knowledgeable about this as I called and old friend and set him up with my ex-wife.

I knew he liked her.  

Boy was she mad.  

She was ready to kill me but married him anyway.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

You're kidding!  That's hilarious... true or not.  I've tried a few times to set her up.  Never has worked out.  She's too bitter.  Keeps everyone at arm's length.  It would be even funnier if my husband picked someone out for her.  I've teased her about signing up for a dating service, but the closest she's ever come was joining a singles group at one of the local churches.  That lasted all of about a year... some creepy old man kept hitting on her at the events, so she quit going.  

[glenn kangiser]

Absolutely true.  Actually I think I sent the message to him through my brother-in-law and sister, but she knew that I did it.  Somehow I still fail to understand why she was not overjoyed.  :-?

[Sassy]

I agree with your mom - I attended some Christian singles groups - unfortunately, there's are lot of undesirables there...

[benevolance]

about 4 hours away between the mil and our house.

not far enough...

my wife does speak up and when she does her mom blames me for that too... It is too hard for her to accept the fact that her own daughter could pick me over her and her new live in boyfriend....And her mom does not accept the fact that we want to get away from her and her interference. It is easier for her to just demonize me than it is for her to look in the mirror and accept some of the responsibility in this.

I have made a few mistakes in this...Maybe I should have held my tongue and let things go....But I love my wife and I definately threw gasoline on the fire when my wife started getting upset and crying...I could not hold my tongue and I kind of burned the bridge to peace and forgiveness.

I am okay with my actions and the ramifications of them...If it means we are isolated from her family I am okay with that...I think family is important, but nothing supercedes my relationship with my wife...and anyone that does not understand that does not need to be a part of either of our lives....So if her family wants to be mad at me or us I am losing no sleep...I will make my peace with everything and get on with my life.

[StinkerBell]

I agree with you benevolance,

Biblically speaking that is why when a man and woman marry they are to leave their family and cling to each other (paraphrase).

Ok I am done slapping you with my bible.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Benevolence, I agree that the priority is on your marriage.  Sounds like your wife married well.    
My husband is just now coming to the conclusion that sometimes it would help if he would stand up for me... think he thinks he married such an "independent" woman that she should be able to take care of herself, but sometimes there are situations where it's necessary to present a united front (like raising kids.)  I think it is also tremendously helpful with my mom... he's finally started to stand up to her (which goes against every grain of his culture) and she listens to him better than she does me.  I hate to admit it, but I think she basically still sees me as a little kid incapable of knowing what I'm talking about.  She doesn't like it when he stands up to her, but she does listen.  About five years ago, my uncle, mom's youngest brother told my mom flat-out that if he were my husband, he would've left me because of the way my mom treats him.  Mom got all hurt and apologetic over it for a little while, but because we tried to make her feel better instead of agreeing with him and saying, "Yup, every word he said is true" she was able to kind of dismiss whatever he said... in a few months, she was back at it.  Now she's hearing it directly from us (not just me, as in the past... DH tends to get mad and just quit talking, so he was never backing me up... it was always, "It's your mom; you deal with her!")  Think DH has really had a turn-around in his way of thinking of late... instead of being mad at her, he feels sorry for her and wants to give her legitimate help (ie. speaking the truth in love... most of the family walks on eggshells around Mom and they're not willing to deal honestly with her.  It is easier to avoid dealing with some of her issues.)  Anyway, we might be jumping out of the frying pan and right into the fire by moving closer to home, BUT have a plan to deal with it.    I sometimes thinks God gives us families just to learn patience and perseverance, but then again, maybe it's just to drive us nuts!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I agree with your mom - I attended some Christian singles groups - unfortunately, there's are lot of undesirables there...

Woohoo, I think I figured out how to quote!

Sassy, you aren't kidding.  I was amazed at some of the gold-digger women and the dirty old men in that bunch!