This chili cookoff is from another of my off color sites

[peternap]

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[apaknad]

great chili humor. i literally had tears running down my cheeks and my side hurts from laughing so hard.

[ScottA]

This explains why the Yankees lost the war.

[muldoon]

Thats great. 

If you guys like hot, seriously, this is the one.

http://carolinasauce.stores.yahoo.net/blmavehotsa.html
http://hotsaucecatalog.stores.yahoo.net/hs3457.html
http://www.hotsauceworld.com/hsw1553.html

I tried this at the hot sauce festival last year..  and I like HOT,  I nearly cried like a lil girl.  I lost my vision and hearing for a few seconds.  Had to buy two bottles on the spot.  Now I like it in my ice cream.  Just a tiny dab, you cant taste it because it soo small, but you get the hot.. and the ice cream is soo cold, so you get some more and its hot .. and you want cold.  pretty soon you have a huge capacisian high.  freakin awesome. 

Not to ruin a good joke, but as a former chilli (and brisket) judge, the saying (at least in Texas) goes: anyone who knows beans about chili knows their aint no beans in chili.  ICS (International Chilli Society) rules expressly forbid the use of beans or pasta in chillis.  These are the rules most commonly used in chilli cookoffs..

[Redoverfarm]

This is a big deal for the Ski Resort here.

http://www.iplayoutside.com/Events/2008/07/11149c.html?PHPSESSID=75c9d9b6a14ecc9c499cae574a479373

[peternap]

Thats great. 


Not to ruin a good joke, but as a former chilli (and brisket) judge, the saying (at least in Texas) goes: anyone who knows beans about chili knows their aint no beans in chili.  ICS (International Chilli Society) rules expressly forbid the use of beans or pasta in chillis.  These are the rules most commonly used in chilli cookoffs..

Got any recipes muldoon

[benevolance]

no way I am putting that on my ice cream...

[Redoverfarm]

Last year my DW got me a bottle of Mother Pucker's "Liquid Lava" sauce.  I am use to hot sauces.  So when i opened it up and put it on a taco like always (other hot sauces) I imediately felt like "frank" at the the cook off. But instead it was all the symptoms at one.  Never pour it out again on food.  A little drop will do it now.  I don't think there is an cure for it other than time.

[glenn kangiser]

I don't do dat.

[benevolance]

Yeah my first encounter with haberno Peppers was like that.... I just bit into one and ate it...

Holy crap what a stupid thing to do.... time was the only thing that could cure the agony

[apaknad]

milk, white bread and the thai people have a cucumber/vinegar concotion where you just dip the end of your chopstick in it and touch it to your tongue and it stops the heat. hottest sauce i ever had was "dave's insanity sauce".

[NM_Shooter]

Not to ruin a good joke, but as a former chilli (and brisket) judge, the saying (at least in Texas) goes: anyone who knows beans about chili knows their aint no beans in chili.  ICS (International Chilli Society) rules expressly forbid the use of beans or pasta in chillis. 

Amen!

I never knew what chili was until I moved to New Mexico (green chili?  what do you mean "green"?!?!?)

New Mexico has an official state question... it is:  "Red or Green?"

I can't imagine living without it now.  We are just getting into roasting season, and the first batches from Hatch NM are making it north.

[muldoon]

Got any recipes muldoon

Yes, wait till it cools off some outside and I'll document a batch...