Explanation of tools.

[hunter63]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal  
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings  
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained  
heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the  
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned  
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW  
...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes  
until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of  
blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor  
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,  
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your  
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense  
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable  
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the  
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood  
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known  
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible  
future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to  
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of  
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably  
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and  
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your sh  
irt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw  
heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to  
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power  
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by  
hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were  
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds  
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket  
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used  
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the  
object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in  
walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard  
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents  
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector  
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for  
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while  
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next  
tool that you will need.

[glenn-k]

Seems to be mostly correct.

[Rover]

Thanks for the laugh.
I was in tears reading it.

[Amanda_931]

Me too.

[John_C]

You left out one of my favorites,

FLASHLIGHT: Cylindrical object in which dead batteries are stored just prior to their disposal.  

[MountainDon]

Love it, hunter63!

[jwv]

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to  
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

I knew I was right!!  :bhumbsup

Judy

[wilco]

At least some of these are from Peter Egan's column in Road & Track. He's generally quite funny.

Steve

[J.T.]

I love it. Been startled on more than one occasion hand holding parts that vanished before my eyes or were mangled beyond repair from a hungry wire wheel. John

[hobbiest]

My wife's favorite tool is the common household butter knife.  Amazingly, it can be used for anything from removing flathead screws, to  driving finish nails to mount pictures, to opening that heirloom foot locker that is always so stubborn to open.  The only tool this woman needs.  Don't forget to keep plenty of extra bubbles for your level...and a metric left-handed crescent wrench.

Crescent wrench:  an adjustable wrench, gift from the gods to everyday man.  Its uncanny mix of adjustability and size allows one to tighten it to any bolt with parallel faces, but only turn 1/64th of a rotation before the long handle, and bulky head make it impossible to either go any further, or remove without first turning it back 1/64th of a rotation.  Also used extensively by women as a hammer/prybar.

[MountainDon]

My wife's favorite tool is the common household butter knife.

I have some of those around here... ends are all twisted funny