Humor

[Redoverfarm]

 
Post Turtle

YOU'VE GOT TO  LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO  LIFE

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand had
been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up
a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his being our president.


The old rancher said,  "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle.."

Now not  being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what the heck is a
"post  turtle?"

The old rancher said,  "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence
post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued
to explain. 'You know he didn't  get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what
to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't going nowhere, and you just  wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin  with.'

[leeschaumberg]

   Not wanting to get yelled at I do the following!
           
          When bored I sing to my self. So here goes-

        It's begining to look a lot like - um , um, um , Thanksgiving!

            

[glenn kangiser]

I used to wish I could sing.

Now I wish you could sing....

to the forum, leeschaumberg.  

[Redoverfarm]

I finally got around to going fishing last weekend but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without
incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

[Sassy]

 Lipstick in School......

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators

[glenn kangiser]

Real School Absence Excuse Notes
Spellings Have Been Left Intact
11-21-9


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathethe (shits).

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

from

http://www.rense.com/

[Redoverfarm]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',  says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

[Redoverfarm]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips.  When she walks into a room,  people say,  "Oh My God."

[Squirl]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,'  she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking..

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can
hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE  NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited...

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

"If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his a#@ and let him go!"

[Sassy]

Marrying, again!


The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!


"He's a funeral director," she answered.


"Interesting," the newsman thought.


He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?"

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

[Redoverfarm]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -
a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
 
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy
and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there
was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Redoverfarm]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.  Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.  Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Redoverfarm]

I am not sure whether I posted this before.  It has been around for sometime.  So if I have forgive me if not enjoy.


A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to   Hawaii  so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

[Redoverfarm]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early

dismissal.
 
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."

  Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

  Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
 
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

  Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

  Johnny is even madder than before.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

  Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their mouths shut!"
 
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Redoverfarm]

What marriage is about ...

He ordered one hamburger,
one order of French fries
and one drink.
The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger
and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries,
dividing them into two piles and neatly placed
one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and
then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the people around them
kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking,
"That poor old
couple--all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries
a young man came to the table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said they were
just fine-
----They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the
little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
sat there watching her husband eat
and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them
to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said
"No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was
wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the
little old lady who had yet to eat a single
bite of food and asked
"What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered

"THE TEETH."

[Redoverfarm]

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco .
The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed
that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon,
and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said,
"Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

[Sassy]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.  He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.   He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than  He needs, but  He is not required to do any upkeep.  If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.  He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.  I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy crap, my dog is a democrat!

btw, there's not much difference in the democrats & republicans anymore except in their rhetoric...   

[bayview]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.  He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.   He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than  He needs, but  He is not required to do any upkeep.  If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.  He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.  I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy crap, my dog is a democrat!

btw, there's not much difference in the democrats & republicans anymore except in their rhetoric...   

I hope you don't mind . . . I would like to print this out and send to a couple of relatives . . .


/

[Sassy]

Go for it! 

[glenn kangiser]

[Redoverfarm]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern New Hampshire, a state cop on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.  "What's the matter?" asked the cop.

        "Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

        "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

        "Can't."

        "OK, Watch me and I will show you."

        The policeman lubricated the carburetor, as promised.  The bike
started and the rider drove off, waving.


        A few days later, the officer received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

        It began:  "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

[NM_Shooter]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I
didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the
funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave
and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what
else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept,
we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started
for
my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in
septic tanks for over twenty years."

[bayview]

   New airport security . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZfbTlYpKYo

/