Humor

[glenn kangiser]

Nice van.

[MountainDon]

On that last one....  is he taking the parts car home, or the parts car to the wrecking yard??


I love the barge.     

I saw the double crane one before... from the UK I believe.

[yevgen]

http://www.liveinternet.ru/users/1774405/post47597268/

Сlick on kittens and it is kept.

Include a sound.

[glenn kangiser]

My dogs enjoyed that.

On that last one....  is he taking the parts car home, or the parts car to the wrecking yard??


I love the barge.     

I saw the double crane one before... from the UK I believe.

I'm not sure, but the bottom one - the van looks like it hit an IED.

[Redoverfarm]

The Drunk Guy


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
 
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
 
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."
 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!
 
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[yevgen]

Fallen out little snow:

[yevgen]

Some garages located a small puddle:

[yevgen]

FORD Focus:

[yevgen]

To drivers do not exceed the permissible speed:

[yevgen]

[yevgen]

[yevgen]

[Redoverfarm]

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and g oes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[glenn kangiser]

Looks like Bob got a good deal, John.

Interesting pictures, yevgen.  A good cop and what looks to be a rather deep puddle.

[yevgen]

[yevgen]

[yevgen]

[glenn kangiser]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.

He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,a
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed,saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I
just never wanted to."A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger
said,"Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at
the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew
his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking
down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass_?

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

[John_C]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.


Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.


Our OIL is located in

Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas



Our DIPSTICKS are located in  Washington, DC!! !

Any Questions???   NO? Didn't think So.

[Redoverfarm]

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making
her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck
would have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.  The
attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned.  Since Sister Mary Ann was on
the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to
her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resorceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. 

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. 

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If that thing starts, I'm
turning Catholic.'

[gandalfthegrey]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived. 
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said,
'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.   
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. 
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'






Forrest leaves to think the questions over.   
He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter,
who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one --
which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. 
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed,
'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but
you do have a point, and
I guess I did not specify, so
I will give you credit for that answer.'
'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but
I thunk and thunk about that, and
I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said,
'Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied,
'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but
I will have to give you credit for that one, too. 
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'

'Andy?'
exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song,
'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' '

St.  Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run Forrest, run!'

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices  the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



'Little Partner, ' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
         
       I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
         
       A half-gallon of 2% milk,
       A carton of eggs,
       A quart of orange juice,
       A head of romaine lettuce,
       A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
       A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

       
       As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to
       check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
       front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases,
       the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
         
       I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
       intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
       looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
       about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital
       status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know
       what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
         
       The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

[glenn kangiser]

The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices  the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



'Little Partner, ' the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.' The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[Redoverfarm]

   WHILE SUTURING A CUT ON THE HAND OF A 75 YEAR OLD
TEXAS RANCHER WHOSE HAND WAS CAUGHT IN A GATE WHILE WORKING
CATTLE, THE DOCTOR STRUCK UP A CONVERSATION WITH THE OLD MAN.

EVENTUALLY THE TOPIC GOT AROUND TO OBAMA AND HIS BID TO BE OUR
PRESIDENT. THE OLD RANCHER SAID, 'WELL, YA KNOW, OBAMA IS A 'POST TURTLE.'
NOT BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM,
THE DOCTOR ASKED HIM WHAT A 'POST TURTLE' WAS.

  THE OLD RANCHER SAID,'WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD
AND YOU COME ACROSS A FENCE POST WITH TURTLE BALANCED ON TOP, THAT'S A
'POST TURTLE.'

  THE OLD MAN SAW A PUZZLED LOOK ON THE DOCTOR'S FACE, SO HE
CONTINUED TO EXPL AIN. 'YOU KNOW HE DIDN'T GET UP THERE BY
HIMSELF, HE DOESN'T BELONG UP THERE, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHILE HE
IS UP THERE, AND YOU JUST WANT TO HELP THE DUMB ASS GET DOWN.'