How dee;
Does anyone have something in the toolbox that I can use to get my wife to "believe" in this project? Steps I have taken over 6 years to lay the ground work for the cabin build are the following:
1. Introduced her to the site on our honeymoon. FYI: A parcel, I might add, I purchased 5 years prior to even meeting her. I'm building the @#* thing like it or not.!!! ;D
2. Remodeled kitchen, bathroom, tiled entire house, electric, yada yada.
3. Worked with two of her uncles on projects who are in construction -to build credibility.
4. Smash thumbnails and cut body parts to show " commitment" to cause.
5. Pulled a well permit with 2 year shelf life, tick tock
6. Lay copies of floor plans and small cabin project articles around the house
7. Bookmark this website and copy attachments to her email of various links.
8. ???
"Honey, what makes you think you can build this? I don't want this to be a practice project that comes out wrong. Let's hire professionals." UGGGHH help :-X :-X
Tell her you are going to build the house...She gets to decide if it is a retreat dream like get away for the both of you....Or a new house for you after you get rid of her...
Okay maybe you should not take marriage advice from me... ;D
I personally think it would get the point across. I know I would be nowhere without the support of my wife....In life and a marriage your partner/spouse can either work with you or against you....
Just do whatever you need to to make saure she knows that this is something you are GOING to do no matter what....Then she can either choose to support you or not...
I think most people will support their spouse once they realise that they are going through with something and they could use some help and support.
JMHO,
-Peter
Would it do any good to show her projects built by people who have never built before? We have very good examples here in our owner builder section.
Tell her there is the possibility the "pro's" will take advantage of her the same way they do when she takes her car in for repairs.
Here are a couple good examples of first time builders.
http://www.countryplans.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1136612461
http://www.countryplans.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1114727619
http://www.countryplans.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?num=1148264750
http://schluterhomestead.blogspot.com/
Note that Sherry and her daughter are doing a lot of the building themselves --Maybe she would get the hint if you gave her her own personalized hammer. :)
Get a local buddy with some builder experience to be part of your team. Tell your wife this will be a joint effort with lots of knowledgeable people helping out.
For most people this help will prove invaluable anyway and even those who do most everything themselves call on others for advice once in awhile.
If she sees others (with perhaps more building experience) involved she will likely be more comfortable with your "nest building". And, once she gets to see that things are happening, get her involved too.
Do not listen to John and Glenn...Their usual excellent advice is not needed....Threaten her I tell you!!!!!! ;)
I have a little saying that has served me well over the years.
"I won't make you do anything you don't want to do. (I'll just make you want to do it.)" :evil
No, no, no, no, no...don't threaten her. She divorces you...she gets the land and partially built project...she hires the pros to finish it for her...and you get to live under the bridge.
You said you worked with two of HER uncles already. Does she trust them? Get them to convince her your building skills are sound.
Now, that is some sound advice, Tony. :)
Okay- I think you guys put me onto something.... the projects built by others
- good good... building buddy- check, I 've got that, dream or vacation .... okay she's thinking about that and conferring with a girlfriend,,, hmm- I don't want to overplay my hand... all this will help with the game plan.... 8-)
Dutch
Get a good beating stick....As Glenn said....Make her want to do it..This is what you meant right Glenn? ::)
Wait did I type that outloud?
Yes I am joking guys....
I think you are losing Peter. You are going to have to mend your ways. :-?
just following your advice man....Making her want to do it... ;) I mean it works for you right? :P
It works but I use psyops -- not a stick. :-/
My wife is alternately excited and dubious. For what it's worth, here is how I got the quasi-buy-in for this project (in no particular order):
1. I had to promise her that we would still do other things as a family. To demonstrate this, I we have been on three trips to other places as well as occasional ski trips.
2. We took the numbers for the project to our financial planner who is the tie breaker in our discussions. He looked over the property, comparables, probable resale value, etc, and then without hesitation, he said: if you can do this in a way that doesn't kill your marriage, you should go for it.
3. I cut my building teeth on the construction of a garage. It came in on time and under budget, and she likes having the storage.
4. I contracted the services of a local builder who came highly recommended. The deal with him is that I pay for his time to occasionally look over what I have done and to keep me out of trouble. So far, I have paid him a few hundred dollars and he has given me much more than that in his time, energy and advice. Plus we have a deal where I use his crew and pay them for work as-needed. Like last week at a concrete pour. Four guys for two hours--$200.
5. I was able to convince her that I really wanted to do this and it would be akin to her marathon training-- it takes a lot of time, but it makes her happy and healthy. I also point out that this makes me happy and we benefit from the investment.
6. The builder also pointed out that the foundation we just poured cost me about $2500 in materials plus $200 in labor. If I had contracted the whole thing out it would have cost over $6000. My wife was very pleased with the sound of that investment in my labor.
7. Like others have done, I showed her images from this site where others have built their own projects and they turned out well.
8. My friends who have places and love them have continually reinforced to her how great it is to have a place to escape to, and to use as a magnet to bring the kids home when they are adults.
Hope this helps. The train has left the station on our (my?) project....
mt
I still think that Glenn is correct...Get a big stick... ;)
Now we're all experts on relationships??!! :D
Not enough that we claim to know everything about construction.... 8-)
John, you know perfectly well that we are (or try to pass for) experts on everything!
Well, the only stick I have has a rusty nailin it so... ::)
I get 4 days alone in Colorado this summer to look over the property and decide on how to site the building. So, since I have permission already 8-) to be out there -- and I have a well permit... I think I have broken the ice.. baby steps, baby steps :o What else should I consider doing for this initial stage when I'm out there.
Dutch
So help me with some information to help me get into this effort a bit more:
Where do you currently live?
Where is this property? I ask because I used to live in CO and know the state pretty well.
What is your end game (e.g. vacation home, cabin off the grid)?
Thanks,
mt
Dutch, first let me state that I am an expert in anything that I know nothing about.
First tell her you lover her dearly then just ask her WHY is she against you doing this?
Tell Her you love her and address the reason/s she is against your dream.
Tell her you love her and that she too is part of your dream, a major part.
Tel her you love her and explain why this is so important to you.
Tell her you love her and that she is very important to so also.
Tell her you love her and that you want and need her input into building your dream.
Tell her you love her and ask her if she understands why this is so important to you.
Tell her you love her and ask her what she thinks now about your dream place.
(Depending on her anwser one of these are you next steps .)
(Yes she wants to go forth with your Dream)
Tell her you LOVE HER.
(NO she still against your dream)
Tell her you LOVE HER and get a big stick!!!
Good Luck
That might work, Mark but you forgot to mention that he may need a large towel to clean up after all that slobbering. :-/ :)
If you can some how work chocolate into the equation you can make it happen. ;)
No No No !!! Using a stick will cause obvious bruising . . . (Leading to the divorce . . . she gets everything.) Use a rubber hose. It shows no marks but is still an attention getter. ;)
I prefer the phone book...It leaves no indentations. ;) ::) ;)
I was referring to my preference when the wife beats me... :P
Mike T
I live in the South. The lot is in Summit County- Fairplay- about 10,000 ft up there. End game is a cabin that we can visit and enjot for several weeks at a time. This is not a second home.. rather a retreat.
Dutch
Okay- she just read every post here- we're all in BIG trouble ;D
I'd say she's about 75% sold on the idea- now I need to strike while the iron is hot.
HAVES HAVE NOTS
1. land 1. plans- design- siting
2. funding 2. crew- recruitment
3. time 8 weeks each summer 3. 100% wife approval
4. resources- this site 4. tools
5. motivation 5. ? :-/
Dutch
Uh-oh - Did you make her -- I mean request that she read the disclaimer, Dutch. We may not want to have her actually thinking we know everything about everything. :-/
Quote• Feel free to ask & answer questions about building smaller homes, cottages, cabins and additions. Realize that you are not getting professional advice here.
Are we out of trouble yet? Does she know how to type --- maybe she could get on here and give us her opinion. We all want to know - we are very concerned. ::)
Which of the Plans (http://www.countryplans.com/plans.html) did she like best? She might look at the Gallery (http://www.countryplans.com/gallery.html) and get some ideas. Here is one of John's plans built by a 17 year old girl. Heather's House (http://www.homestead.com/peaceandcarrots/HeathersHouse.html)
She has more faith in you than she does in a 17 year old girl, doesn't she , Dutch? :)
Pretty cool site...
I love my wife and she is great...But Any guy would be pretty lucky to meet a gal like that Heather when they were 18...
A gal that likes to build and is a hard worker not pre-occupied with trivial things like New Suv's or Housing with Electricity....
I was not sure if reading that website was real or I was alseep and it was a fantasy ;)
I saw pictures of sanding and it reminded me how much I hate my life about now...Nothing was ever meant to be sanded....Well at least that is how it ought to be
There is a "line" I stumbled upon while selling stuff--it works wonders IF everything you say is honest, not hyped.
Say "I don't understand "(why you're saying no). List all the reasons the decision makes sense, adding what others have offered in this forum and anything else you can think of, and then just LOOK at her.
Sounds too simple, but it works. And don't be confrontational, act confused.
Yeah, you're being manipulative, but you're doing it for her benefit. With those thousands of dollars saved, you can buy a new car or enjoy a killer vacation.
Oh you guys! thousands of years of evolution(or intelligent design-obvious misnomer) and you're still cavemen-sticks!
Fer the love!
I'm a wife; we had a cabin in Creede-some have heard the story. We purchased 4 log walls and over a couple of summers finished the cabin. Turned out just as we wanted, rustic cabin with modern conveniences. We sold it for a tidy sum. (good point to pursue-resale can be great if you don't go overboard on the building)
Have you taken her to a cabin to spend a week or two? ...in the summer when it's hot and disgusting elsewhere or in the fall when the leaves are changing with a hint of winter to come in the air? If she's the one who usually cooks, you cook while there. Have a nice bathroom with a bathtub for soaking-roughing it is OK for a few days but a nice soak is always welcome.
Don't know your family situation but plan spaces for gatherings of kids, grandkids-could be as simple as a loft with bunks. Or camping outside for extras-but include that in the pitch. We "wimmen" usually like to have our families around us, at least some of the time. Nice porch with rockers and a swing to sit outside and watch the birds, or clouds or read or nap can't hurt.
HAVE A PLAN! Did I say that loud enough. Timeline, finances, getting materials to the site, care of the cabin after finished (long distance ownership can be difficult). Sticktoitiveness! Most women I know HATE unfinished projects and that looooooooooong planning phase, especially when it occurs on the sofa...with your eyes closed...accompanied by snoring sounds! A project finished within the agreed upon timeframe is the best aphrodisiac. :-*
Anyway, that's a start.
Pictures of our former cabin are here:http://new.photos.yahoo.com/jwvastine/albums/
If we could find another piece of land at a decent price, we'd do it again.
Judy
disclaimer: I have never experienced ANY of the above behaviors from the DH but have talked with others who have. ;)
To the person who was drooling over Heather (and her cabin), she is no longer 18, she is about 23 now. And last I heard, she had a boyfriend! (Her mom used to be on the same homesteading list I was on.)
I was always the one who wanted to build in my family. I drew up the plans; planned the project; and supervised every saw cut and every nail pounded -- and did a lot of the work myself, I didn't make my husband do all of it. (It does go a lot easier if you have an extra pair of hands, sometimes, though.) So it baffles me when other women don't have any interest . . . afraid I don't know how to convince anyone, since it's about all I ever wanted to do.
For your trip to your land, though, I think the best thing to do is spend the time making a good site map, and thinking about how best to lay out your house. Consider where your 'utilities' will need to be (even if the utilities are an outhouse and water piped from a spring on the hill); where the best sun is for solar heat; how to avoid overheating; where you want outdoor access for outdoor living; views; access from the driveway; future garden or ?
Start with a storage shed, or a garage. That will give you some more practice, and show your wife that you can build something nice and actually finish it. Then it will give you a secure place to store supplies and tools, and to camp out while you work on the cabin.
Kathleen
Okay- we're NOT in trouble.... I cooked, I cleaned, I groveled, I watched Dancing with the Starz- >:( like pullin teeth! So, she did not read the disclaimer here- I am letting this thing brew like a good brew... I can't be too obvious. Oooh, she just walked by as I am tyoing and said, "oh, you're on our site, I see." OUR site- that's a step in the right direction ;).
Dutch
OK, Dutch. We are taking up a collection to buy you some salve for those scraped knees and palms. Look there , you've gone and worn holes in the knees of your new pants--------and maybe we should do something about those dishpan hands. :-/
Okay, I've regained some dignity and acutally watched a football game! LOL
I'm glad we're all having fun with this. Truth is, we are on the same page. I am building the construction trust factor and this site is 100% what I need.
I must admit that I spend a lot of time reading here.... man- so much information. !!
I must be some type of obssessed chronic because I find myself checking the weather and local news daily where my lot is located. Am I the only one with this condition??? UGGHH 14degrees and wind chill yummy... ;)
Dutch
Many have started with us knowing very little about building and ended up with a new house and many new skills.
Many times the pro's guard their secrets well because once the information is out, others find out that much of it is not all that hard.
Hi Dutch,
I'm rooting for you! It sounds like you are getting a lot of good advice - I like the chocolate and staying at the cabin advice, the build a storage shed advice (I'm using that one myself!) and the lots of reassurance advice. The one thing I would add is to make some kind of a schedule. The more organized and detailed a project is the easier it is to convince someone you are serious and have thought things out. This also gives you an opportunity to see how the schedule would work for you. I understand that there is a lot of demand for construction work these days and you might have long lead times for materials or for getting someone to work with you if you haven't planned ahead. I look forward to hearing how your project goes!
Bellla
BTW, I would take the "100% Wife Approval" off the Have Not list and split it 40%-60% or something with the Have list since it looks like you are making a difference.
Judy, I REALLY like your reply & agree with it 100%! (although, I too, have not experienced it :'( ;) ) I was just reading it aloud to Glenn - you should have heard his groans - he also complained that he detected some prejudicial statements... ie "intelligent design" ;D
So Dutch, follow Judy's advice & you can't go wrong! :-* :)
Kathleen
I was the guy that mentioned that the site for the cabin and the girl was awesome...And it was!
Pretty cool to see people do things by themselves... Most guys don't get that lucky to end up with a gal that has the ability to get things done...And vice versa.
It took me a long time floundering around with a few gals before I found someone I could really feel comfortable with in that she was on the same page as me....
And in no way was my wife the type that wanted to tackle living in the woods and building when she was 18.... Ten years later she is all over being outdoors and helping me with projects... I guess she had to get university and a few trips to europe out of her system before she was ready to stay in one place and build something with me.
It is funny...I have always wanted nothing more than to be in the woods away from everyone...Hermit lifestyle has always appealed to me... We had hunting camps growing up...But no money to build year round livable structures...No money for extra land...
15 years later I have a little more money but I have all these committments and responsibilities...So it is still a struggle to get into the wilderness or spend time building
I saw that website and saw someone who at 18 got a chance to build their own Cabin and live in the woods and I thought to myself...Why didn't I meet a gal like that when I was 18
I ended up okay....Found a keeper for me...Just took ten years longer than I would have liked...
One thing married life has taught me...If you find someone that will work with you instead of against you...Great things can be accomplished rather quickly
Less than 3 years married my wife and I have been fortunate enough to buy land for a someday cabin and a investment home which we are renovating as we speak....Going to buy and sell one home a year hopefully for the next three years while my wife works in the lower part of South Carolina...After her workterm is up we will decide where we want to move next.
I guess I see how much of a difference my wife made to my life...and I realise that had I had her helping me working with me towards something like land or a house when I was 18 we might really have a good start towards something.
Not picking on women...But not too many gals I have ever met are wanting and willing to unplug themselves from the norm... Men and women for that matter as a rule listen to what other people tell them.
When I told my friends growing up I was going to retire in my 40's they all laughed at me...But I will..When I told them that it was possible to own your own house without a mortage they all laughed...
Society tells people what they can and cannot do....what they must do...It enslaves us in many ways... I could always see this and I tried hard to free anyone that would listen to me...Most thought I was insane and paranoid....
When I found a gal that did not call the government or the mental hospital on me I married her...
Finding such a person in my experience is quite rare...and in my opinion it is why I am able to stay healthy happy and sane.
But yeah That gal Heather is cute...too young for me....But Cute....I have no doubt she has a guy...I hope for both of their sakes that they can work together instead of against each other.
One thing I have learned in life is that there are 2 types of marriages... Even in the few e-mails and letters I have gotten from members here.... Things in life started to progress only when male or females teamed with someone who was on the same wavelength...
I think the first or second letter I got from Glenn we talked extensively about this...Cathy and Glenn got the underground headquarters because they couldwork together for it.
My wife and I are a different application of the same principle.
So when I looked at the website and saw someone working on their own cabin off grid without debt at the age of 18 I thought to myself...Wow where was she when I was 18...
No worries I am going to leave my wife and start searching for the girl*LOL*
Although I might tell my wife that I have found her replacement if she decides to step out of line... ;D I need all the leverage I can get with my wife...She is stubborn and well stubborn :o
The only plans I have for the immediate future are finishing my new house and working on creating little Elanor or Andrew.. depending if we have a girl or a boy! Now that we have a new house my wife and I are both ready for the kids...So hopefully that is the next new project in our lives.. if we are able
by the time the little ones can hold the tape measure I might be ready to build the wilderness cabin I will retire to once they are out of highschool
What planet are you from, Peter? I've never seen a stubborn one. ::)
Glenn....
Exactly! ;)
QuoteJudy, I REALLY like your reply & agree with it 100%! (although, I too, have not experienced it :'( ;) ) I was just reading it aloud to Glenn - you should have heard his groans - he also complained that he detected some prejudicial statements... ie "intelligent design" ;D
So Dutch, follow Judy's advice & you can't go wrong! :-* :)
Thanks Sassy,
and give Glenn some Colace-he's probably just constipated!!
[smiley=evil.gif]
Judy
There----exactly the reason that nurses (and doctors) scare the crap out of me. :-/
Many years ago my ex-mother-in-law asked me to trim her little chihuahua's toe nails. I did as I was asked to do - grabbed up the little quivering beast and began clipping away. I scared her so bad she couldn't stand it and she crapped right in my lap.
That's how I feel when I go to the dentist -- or doctor --- or when a nurse comes at me holding any unknown (to me) object. So far I have managed to keep myself under control though.
Well it has been 17 years since I have been to the dentist...I know I probably have a cavity or two...But until I have pain I am not going back....
And I am never going to let them put mercury fillings in my mouth
Well- Happy Holidays to all- ;D
Dutch