Humor

[Whitlock]

Glenn I need ink for my printer

[glenn kangiser]

Whitlock, I know this is not properly placed in the humor section, but perhaps the ladies will be caught off guard, read it and strive to be the best that they can be....

[Sassy]

in your dreams   

[glenn kangiser]

Sassy forwarded that to me along with a promise to strive to live up to the admonitions contained in the article....  

[MountainDon]

Whitlock, I know this is not properly placed in the humor section, ....

I thought it was (properly placed).


Kinda hard to believe that people actually believed that back then. Sadly some still do today.

[glenn kangiser]

About 3/4 of it was my dad.

[ScottA]

Ray & Bubba
(Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.' 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.....

..... and helping to
distribute the money from the "stimulus package"

[muldoon]

Ray & Bubba
(Arkansas mechanical engineers)
were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.' 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.  Then she took a tape measure from her
pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'
and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.....

..... and helping to
distribute the money from the "stimulus package"

yeah I know it's just a joke but its buggin me... 

unbolting a flagpole and laying it down to measure it is the hard way.  As the pole is straight vertical we can assume a string from the top to the ground will make it right angle triangle.  Just run a rope up to the top of a known length say 25 feet.  See how far it from the base of the flag pole until it reaches the ground. 

Pythagorean's theorem: Length of Side A squared times the length of Side B squared equals the length of Side C squared in a right triangle.  A squared+B squared=C squared

25x25 = 625
assuming the rope touches the ground at 16 and a half feet from the pole
16.5x16.5 = 272.25

(a squared) + 272.25 = 625
square root of 352.75 = 18.6 - or 18 and a half foot - but no need for wrench. 


I believe all three of them can work for the government, they all obviously failed math - which seems to be a requirement these days

[ScottA]

muldoon, dude...that's a great math lesson but seriously...you need a hobby. 

[Ernest T. Bass]

If you can run a rope up then why not run a tape measure up?

Why not just measure the length of the shadow, and then measure the length of your own shadow in proportion to your height.. Use the same proportion to get the tree's height. 'Bout the same amount of math, and no need to run the flag down.

[Sassy]

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun  that his men smelled bad.  The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.  Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL:
Someone may be promising "Change", in Washington; but don't count on things smelling any better!

[Whitlock]

If you can run a rope up then why not run a tape measure up?

Why not just measure the length of the shadow, and then measure the length of your own shadow in proportion to your height.. Use the same proportion to get the tree's height. 'Bout the same amount of math, and no need to run the flag down.

Around here we would just lay on our back next to the pole and use the range finder

If you want to know how to do something the easy way ask a lazy man

[glenn kangiser]

The Hair Cut...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Redoverfarm]

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
 
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
 
 
She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!   

[Redoverfarm]

THE OLD PROSPECTOR

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As
he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did
dance, just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said,
'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old
man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blow off or his boots
perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old
man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly
through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young
gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was
almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it
hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's
hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's a$$?'

The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

I just love a story with a happy ending.

[firefox]

The Man Knows His Math
He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.   That's 96
miles each day.  Of these, 16 miles each way is
bumper-to-bumper Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8
lane highway.   There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32
miles.   That works out to 982 cars every mile, or
31,424
cars.  Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not
bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000
cars.  That brings the total number to something like
36,000
cars that I pass every day.   Statistically, females drive
half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.  That's  449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.   That's  98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's  33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her
biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
homicide, has PMS, and is armed.


Give her the finger?


I don't think so.

[gandalfthegrey]

And an answer to the last 2 posts.  Nothing worst than a Molly (female) mule with PMS.


https://s704.photobucket.com/albums/ww50/gandalfthegrey1/?albumview=slideshow

[Whitlock]

Glenn is this you?

[glenn kangiser]

I go through life solving the problems of the world .... but no one will take me seriously...

[glenn kangiser]

               
    WARNING !!!


If you get an email titled "nude photos of
Angelina Jolie," don't open it. It could contain a
virus.
>
>
>
>
If you get an email titled "nude
photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It
could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

[Redoverfarm]

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:


> On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
>
> One day the two were playing, when the horse f ell into a bog and began to sink.
>
> Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the c hicken to go get the farmer for help!
>
> Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
>
> Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
>
> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
>
> Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
>
> After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
>
> Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>
> The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
> Best Buddies, Best Pals.
>
> A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
>
> The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>
> Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
>
> The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
>
> The moral of the story?
> (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
>
> "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
>

[glenn kangiser]

[Phssthpok]

Little Johnny came downstairs one morning and asked his mom "What's for breakfast?"

She replied "You ain't gittin nuthin till you does yer chores!"

Pissed little johnny goes out to do his chores. First he feeds the pigs...still in a foul mood he gives the sow a swift kick. While feeding the chickens he does the same, sending several birds squawking. After milking the cow he sends her on her way, prodding her out of the barn with another kick.

Finally he walks back inside and says "THERE....my chores are done! NOW can I have some breakfast?"

His mom slides him a small plate with a piece of dry toast on it.

"What's this? Wheres the bacon n eggs, and this toast doesn't even have any butter on it!"

His mom replied "I saw you kick the sow so you don't get no bacon, and the same goes for eggs cause you kicked the chickens too! As for butter, when you stop kicking the cow maybe you'll get some, but for now..DRY TOAST!"

Just then little johnny's father comes downstairs and trips over the cat as he walked into the kitchen. The cat, not being fast enough, received a swift kick to teach it the error of it's ways in sleeping in the middle of the floor.

Little Johnny looked at his mom and said "You wanna tell him or should I?"

[Redoverfarm]

I found some of these hilarious but I was also sadened by the thought that THEY WALK AMOUNG US

*One day I was walking down the beach
with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked
up at the sky and said...'where?'



I was hanging out with a friend when we saw
a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said,
'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time
she turned her head?'
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told
the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked
him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.


***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

``Sadly, not only do they walk among us,
```````they also often reproduce``!!!!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

True story... I worked a summer at the Grand Canyon when I was in college, and there's a woman with her kids looking out over the canyon.  Just then some California Condors with about an 8' wingspan flew up over the rim, and the gal says, "Ooooh kids, look at the size of the BATS!"