Humor

[glenn kangiser]

pfffft..... moi?  ....

[Sonoran]

 
    New Denny's Breakfast
     
    In honor of Nadia Suleman, the mother of the octuplets (and 6 others by same method), Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:
     
    The In-Vitro Slam
     
    You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the person next to you has to pay the bill.
     

That's awesome!

[Redoverfarm]

For your amusement



CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOR.

Yes it does. Whoever made this up needs to be shot!



http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm

[glenn kangiser]

[Sassy]

For your amusement



CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOR.

Yes it does. Whoever made this up needs to be shot!



http://thedogpaddler.com/RandomUploads/Ball/ball.htm

yes they do!   

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

That news article is hilarious!!!!!

[Redoverfarm]

 A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating
their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their
table.


She said, "For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."


The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around
the world with my darling husband."


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is
all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
 
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
30 years younger than  me."


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but
a wish is a   wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the
husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful
bastards should  remember fairies are female.....

[MountainDon]

This might have appeared here before, but, (1) I don't feel like doing a search. (2) I came across it tonight on Boortz and it struck my funny bone. (3) it is funny, IMO.



Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be  found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,  raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You  have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL  DOWN:

                         Democrat's Answer

Well,  that's not enough information to answer the  question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to  attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.


                     Republican's Answer



                               BANG!




                          Redneck's  Answer

                BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
                             BANG! BANG! BANG!
                                         BANG !

                       Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

                  BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG! BANG!
                                           BANG!
                         BANG! BANG!
                         BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were  those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

.

[Sonoran]

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?

[Windpower]

Sounds like Boortz joke

He rarely gets anything right

I thought he promised to quit radio if there were no WMD found in Iraq


Kimbers have  7 round capacity magazines

[Redoverfarm]

This one is dedicated to Mountain Don.

Did you hear about the New Mexico  teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em. "

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[MountainDon]

 

[John_C]

 

During the years I had my studio, I photographed my share of small children.  Most were well behaved, but there were the other kind.  I have been known to comment that I was running a special this week..  small children wrapped in duct tape.

[Redoverfarm]

Nice Photo John.

[MountainDon]

Masterful. Can't even see the duct tape.

[John_C]

Thanks.  That's their decoy look.  It lulls you into getting closer, within range of their projectile vomiting.

The Moms often don't want to have to feed them at the studio.  They stuff them like a Thanksgiving turkey just before the session.  Sometimes it doesn't end well.

Seriously, one Christmas season I was bringing two or three changes of clothes each day.  After Christmas I was glad to get some commercial work.  I had a gig photographing the handling and disposal of mildly toxic waste.  At the time it seemed like a step up.

[Redoverfarm]

Route 22


A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[glenn kangiser]

Here is something the guys will be interested in I think.






These are unbelievable.....






How could they really be that huge?

[Windpower]

A love story in 3 pictures

It often starts with a wistful look






Then the first tender kiss









But sadly sometimes things don't work out

[Redoverfarm]

 Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than  me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it.

Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating? Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by theCapitol.Same here. Hmm.

How do you catch them? Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock  The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em! Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit Out of a Politician, there's nothingleft but an asshole and a briefcase

[glenn kangiser]

Funny but pretty well true.

[glenn kangiser]

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!!





Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. 
   
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough, and, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

[Alasdair]

 

[Redoverfarm]

The creation of West Virginia
******************************************

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven ,
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael
The archangel found him, resting on the seventh
Day. He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
Pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look Michael,
Look what I've made.'

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
Great place of balance.'

'Balance?', inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth,
'For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
Opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going
To be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
Spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white
People and over there is a continent of black people,'

God continued, pointing to different countries. 'This
One will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
Be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed
To a large land mass and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That's WEST VIRGINIA , the most glorious
place
On earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets. Mountains, forests,
Wild animals,
And rolling hills. The people from WEST VIRGINIA are going to
Be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going
To be found traveling the world. They will be
Extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving,
And they will be known throughout the world as
Diplomats and carriers of peace.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
Proclaimed, 'What about balance, God?' 'You said there
Would be balance!'
God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the idiots I'm
Putting around them in Ohio , Virginia , Kentucky ,
Maryland and Pennsylvania .

[Ernest T. Bass]

This is really funny... "Things you don't say to your wife", sung to the tune of Green Day's "Time of Your Life" by Tim Hawkins. I posted a different vid of his in the music thread.. His stuff is a riot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK2OakMoW_c&feature=PlayList&p=9584B7856E3940ED&index=0&playnext=1