Humor

Homegrown Tomatoes · October 15, 2008, 10:02:51 AM

that's a smart dog.

Redoverfarm · October 15, 2008, 01:02:23 PM

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him 'playing church' with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back
to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'

Johnny looked up at her and said, 'He should have thought about that before he joined my church.'

October 20, 2008, 09:19:16 PM

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left .

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

glenn kangiser · October 20, 2008, 09:38:27 PM

Sassy showed me that one a while back --- the joke --- she wasn't in a wheelchair.

Sassy · October 24, 2008, 12:07:55 PM

Just got this one from my cousin in Nebraska...

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe In the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent' They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.

'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent' They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, 'Well I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll
Ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'

October 25, 2008, 07:20:47 PM

My uncle sent me this one... don't know if the stories are true or not, but they are pretty funny.

TOP IDIOTS OF 2008 GET THEIR SIGNS

Number 1 Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and
wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him
write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells
Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and
left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days
later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time a photo of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his
$40.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008

Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. He lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole
event was caught on videotape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin ) We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here, and I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...they REPRODUCE...and they VOTE!!!

Sassy · October 31, 2008, 10:28:05 PM

southernsis · November 04, 2008, 05:46:41 AM

Here is a link to chicken crossing road http://www.politicaldisgust.com/2008/08/23/why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road/

Homegrown Tomatoes · November 04, 2008, 06:01:29 AM

That was cute, Southernsis. I sent it to a few friends and relatives.

November 04, 2008, 07:18:32 AM

Homegrown, I was on my way to work yesterday and listening to the radio and they were doing this bit about the chicken. I started laughing, lightened my day. Looked up the link to share.

John_C · November 04, 2008, 08:55:30 AM

I love the Top Idiots posts.

I wonder if a "Deer Crossing" sign would work in reverse. If I put one up will the deer cross the road there?

My bike ride would be a lot safer if I knew where to expect them to be blocking the road. Nothing like coming round a bend at 40 mph on a bicycle to see the road blocked by 8 or 10 deer. They never seem to be in my path when I'm going up that same hill at 4 or 5 mph.

Redoverfarm · November 04, 2008, 05:19:11 PM

Go to your local State Farm and ask for a set of "deer whistles" But you have to maintain 40 MPH for them to work.

Redoverfarm · November 04, 2008, 05:21:47 PM

Talking of Chickens.

A DRUNK CHICKEN ?

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelmi ng.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his
head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You s*%t the bed!'