Humor

[Redoverfarm]

5 Surgeons Five

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who the best patients to operateon are. The first surgeon, from New York says, I like to see accountants on myoperating table, because when you open then up, everything inside is numbered. The second, from Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded. The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, No I really, think librarians are thebest, everything inside them is in alphabetical order. The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: You know I like constructionworkers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed:You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, noballs, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[glenn kangiser]

This is the humor section, John.  You shouldn't be posting facts here.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Three things to think about this morning:
1.  C O W S
>
>         Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during

> the mad
>         cow epidemic our government could track a single
> cow, born in   
>         Canada  almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
> slept in
>         the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their

> stalls.
>         But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
> wandering
>         around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
>
>
>
>
>
>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>         2.  T H E    C O N S T I T U T I O N
>
>         They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
>    Iraq   .... Why 
>         don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
> really smart
>         guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it

> anymore.
>
>
>         
>

>
>
>
>
>         3.  T H E    1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S
>
>         The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted

> in a
>         courthouse is this:
>         You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,'
> 'Thou Shalt Not Commit 
>         Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of
> lawyers,
>         judges and politicians...It creates a    hostile
> work  environment.
>
>

[glenn kangiser]

Well said.

[muldoon]

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  See this card?  The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.  No questions asked or answered.  Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull.  The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...

"Your card!  Your card!  Show him your card!

[glenn kangiser]

Perfect treatment  for a power trip.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

love that one!

[gandalfthegrey]

Young Chuck, moved to  Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for
$100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next
day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the
horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened
with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a net profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works for the government.

[Ernest T. Bass]

I'll have to remember that one!

[glenn kangiser]

There are three kinds of men;

1.) The ones that learn by reading

2.) The few who learn by observation

3.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

[apaknad]

  OUCH!!!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

 The Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.? After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen

[muldoon]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Me too!!!

[John Raabe]

Muldoon, What a great story! 
I'm going to send this to a couple of friends.

[Sassy]

Christmas Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York on Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son asks. The father says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."  Frantic, he calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."  She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.  "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

 

[Redoverfarm]

NEVER TICK OFF THE NURSE

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,

'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'

After a pause, the doctor confessed.....

'Not with a carnation.' 

[Redoverfarm]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

[Sassy]

Shirley & Marcy                     

     A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

    So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

    She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

    The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

    As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

    Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

    The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

    'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

    'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

    'Well,' Timmy explained, 'Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'


    May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

    I know you smiled! I sure did.

[Sassy]

Here's another...

Old George In The Hospital

                                           

George was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child.  She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we
ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'
Old George had had enough of this particul ar nurse.  One
day, at breakfast, Old George took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.   
Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So . you know where the juice went!  The nurse came in a
little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it.  'My,
it seems we are a little cloudy today .'
At this, Old George snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run
it through again.  Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted!    Old George just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

[ScottA]

At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless. 

[Redoverfarm]

How old is your brain?  Check on the link and follow the directions.  You can tell us what your answer is if you what it made public. Now be honest.

Procedure of  Flash Fabrica Game:
>
> 1. Touch 'start'   
>
> 2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.   
>
> 3. Memorize the number's position on the screen, then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number.   
>
> 4. At the end of game, computer will tell you how old your brain is.
>
> Good luck !!


> http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html
>   

[Redoverfarm]

Oh I forgot.  Mine did actually match my age.  That's all I am saying.

[apaknad]

i'm too scared to play the game. i've had a couple of lemonade and vodkas and it's 10:30 pm. i'll check it out tomorrow.