Humor

[John Raabe]

Great little video! 

[glenn kangiser]

The old dog walks like our old dog we just brought up here. 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Pretty cute....

[Native_NM]

I just heard they named a new drink in honor of the Navy Seals - the bin Laden.  The ingredients are simple:   two shots and splash of water. 

[muldoon]

oh boy nm... 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Yesterday, we were working in the garden and had a sprinkler going.  A ruby-throated humming bird came to drink while we were there and my middle daughter exclaimed, "Look!  A redneck hummingbird!!"

[rick91351]

GOD said ....

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.  How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.  For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?  That's a pretty long time to perform.  How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.  For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?  Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God.  "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.  For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.  For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.  And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.  I'm doing it as a public service.

[Sassy]

Float Alone
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.  The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"  "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

[gandalfthegrey]

 Could this be true? I'd say so.
>
> INTERESTING OBSERVATION
>
> 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
>
> 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
>
> 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
>
> 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
>
> 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
>
> And....
>
> 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
>
> THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
>
> The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
>
> There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

[gandalfthegrey]

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. TTYL -talk to you louder!

[Texas Tornado]

Guess what the product is before the end 
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Ha ha ha, thanks for posting.

[glenn kangiser]

Email from a rebellious old Navy Friend.....

5 Year Old's First Job

Here's  a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and  spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly  replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the  teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Kind of  brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Native_NM]

That was a good one.  Them Navy guys are funny.  Here is another old Navy joke:

A piece of string walks into the bar on the wharf right after a merchant marine ship docks.  The place is packed, and every spot is taken.  He sits down and says "I'll have a beer.".  The bartender looks over and tells him "hey, get the heck out of here. We don't serve your kind here.". The string walks back to the pier and sees two pieces of rope from a Navy frigate walking toward him. As they pass, the string smarts off, and the two pieces of rope grab him. A huge fight ensues, and the rope beats the string to pieces.  The string walks away, a twisted wreck. 

He passes the same bar and decides to try again. He sits down at the bar and says "I'll have a beer!". The bartender looks him up and down for a second and finally says " Hey, aren't you that piece of string I kicked out a while ago?".  The string looks back and says "no, I'm a frayed knot."

[Gary O]

 
From the BBC - by John Cleese.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Ticked Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled."

[gandalfthegrey]

N RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME...

THE DOG IS NOT FOR  SALE  !!!

[MountainDon]

Gary O; that's too funny.    Right on re the French, IMO.

[gandalfthegrey]

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population 


ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY. 

[Sassy]

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares (flowers) in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

[gandalfthegrey]

The economy is so bad that I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. A picture is now only worth 200 words. They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street". Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Gary O]

The economy is so bad....

oh, this is too good.....
gotta frwd
TY gandalfthegrey

[Gary O]

OK, this may have already been posted, so I looked.......hand fell asleep at the little wheel after page 8 of the 50 here.
So, even though I hate redundant repetitive recurring cyclic duplication....and jokes that are too lengthy as lengthy jokes are usually found not worthy after taking 10 minutes out of my life to read.......
These are neat Paraprosdokian sentences. Some new, some old.....
A paraprosdokian sentence is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but also play on the double meaning, creating a syllepsis.I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[MountainDon]

 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

We were on our way home from our local beekeeper's meeting the other night and got off the interstate to fill up with gas.  There at the truck stop closest the exit, was a prostitute walking up and down the road by the exit ramp trying to catch the truckers on the offramp.  I muttered something to my husband about it, and my oldest daughter, 8, piped up from the back seat, "Mama, what on earth is that woman doing?"  I just said, "Something illegal" rather than trying to explain.  There was about a five second pause before she gasped and said, "She JAYWALKED?!"

[glenn kangiser]

I saw a few of those Jaywalkers when I was trucking.... darn them.....

Posted by a friend on FB

I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me (embarrassed) : "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me (attitude): "Hell No,
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!