Humor

[MountainDon]

But if you already own one why not keep it.

When we moved to NM from Canada I didn't think I'd ever use our snow shovel. The first summer I used it to shovel blown in sand from the doorway.  Within a year the first snowfall came, only a few inches but it was nice to be able to clear the sidewalk so snow didn't get tracked inside. I haven't used it every winter, but probably most. This past winter twice at least, maybe three times.

[glenn kangiser]

Thats a good one, John. 

[glenn kangiser]

Check your add for typos before posting it.

Free Estimates does not include service calls, Insured and Boned

[Redoverfarm]

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.   

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.   

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.   

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.   

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'   

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just t fine - they were used to sharing everything.   

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.   

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'   

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)       


 






 



'THE TEETH.'

[glenn kangiser]

Better than gumming it to death I guess. 

[John_C]

Advertising slogans that didn't quite translate


The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"


Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."


Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the  following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."


Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.  Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."


When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.


Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the  name of a notorious porno magazine.


An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the  Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato"  (la papa).


Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in  Chinese.


The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela",  meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with  Wax", depending on the dialect.  Coke then researched 40,000  characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."


Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to  make a tender chicken,"   was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."


When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its  ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket  and embarrass you."  The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to  embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant!"


When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Those were great!
When I was living in Korea, I had a collection of funny signs in English.  Here is a sampling, though I can't remember all of the good ones.

On a styling salon advertisement:
"Jesus's Hair Park" --funny enough, they were open on Sunday.  I don't know if they thought they were good enough Jesus could get his hair done there or what.

On the "Tom Cat" restaurant's sign near a US military base:
"Beer, Wine, and Skittles.  Here, you can rule the roast!"  I have a feeling that instead of Skittles, as in the candy, they meant vittles?  And ostensibly, roost instead of roast... or maybe the roast is generally unruly in Korea?

A sign for parking translated into English:
"Par King"

Another restaurant sign:
"Best Rest Runt"

In an English menu in Korea:
"We prepare our food with absolute courtesy and diligence."

There were too many to remember them all... wish I could.   Somewhere I have a running list.  However, my absolute favorite was one in the movie theater.  Before the feature film, they showed the typical no smoking symbol, followed by a symbol for no cell phones and no feet on seats, and the kicker was saved for last when an outline of a whole squid appeared with the big red circle and line drawn across for "no squid".  Whole dried squid is a popular snack item sold by street vendors.  The vendors briefly wave the shoe-leather-tough squid across a burner and then you eat it whole, like really super-tough beef jerky that smells like it came out of a horse's rear end.  I'm assuming it was banned from the theater because even Koreans admit it smells awful! 

[Redoverfarm]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


"You've got Male"

[Redoverfarm]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One



We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We  turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet  parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived  and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't  want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife  doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the  night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's  just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,  as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to  poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take  off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket  to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Redoverfarm]

Yup, Sho'Nuff, It'S Comin'!!!


Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge inEl Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights.  One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.  The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly  he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"


The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'

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[BiggKidd]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.


That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
Positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'


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[Redoverfarm]

'Good morning, welcome to Wal Mart!'

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't  believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.'

[glenn kangiser]

Sometimes you really have to wonder. 

[Redoverfarm]

A tribute to all the wives. Against my better judgement.

Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

[glenn kangiser]

Sassy gets emails from an old friend, sometimes sending along some humor.

Here is one he sent today.

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO

THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST

NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS,

THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD

GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO

UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN

INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE

SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF

MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE

DIFFERENCE.

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO

OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR

BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'


'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL

THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE

WAS A WITCH .

A WITCH ??. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY

THAT?

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER

ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN

SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK

MY TEETH WITH HER!'   

[Redoverfarm]

Well this ones on me.  I sure some can relate but after the fact it was pretty funny. 

I was building a raised hearth for the fireplace today.  Standard 2X framing covered by 1/2 ply, followed by storm guard and then lath wire for the stone.  Just prior to putting a piece of Hardee board on top I couldn't find my 2' level.  After several minutes of searching it just wasn't anywhere to be found.  Guess what. Yeah you are right. INSIDE THE HEARTH.       Luckily I was able to pull the top piece up and reach in and pull it out.  After the hardee board for the hearth stone to sit on I concreted the space between the hearth and the fireplace opening.  If I hadn't remembered it would have been a time capsule of sorts I guess.

[glenn kangiser]

Senior moments already?  hmm

Last one I remember was looking for my cutting glasses - for the torch - and not finding them because they were on my hat, which was on my head.

Not sure where my head was.  The sun must not have been shining though.

[Redoverfarm]

Glenn that reminds me once that my secretary kept walking from office to office. Seem to go on for 1/2 hour or so.  I said S****** what are you doing.  She walked back to my office and said she had lost her D** glasses.  I told her to look on top of her head.  She walked away #$%@##.  Good girl but from farther down in the sticks from me.

[glenn kangiser]

I hate it when that happens -- I have a bit of swede in me but not blond.

Might be if I had more hair.

[John_C]

I read somewhere that the average person spends twenty minutes a day searching for things they have misplaced.  In my case twenty minutes a day is a goal.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Here's one on me today, too:  Had to make a grocery run because I didn't go last week and we really needed some food in the house.  Seemed like everything that could postpone the trip kept happening, and then my mom called just as we were about to walk out the door.  When I finally got off the phone with her, I grabbed my purse and keys and ushered the girls out the front door.  Just as I was pulling the door to, the phone started ringing again, so I ran back inside and tried to catch it when I saw DH's cell number on the caller ID, because I know he never calls without reason.  Unfortunately, he'd hung up by the time I got the phone.  Well, I figured I'd call him back with my cell phone as I was getting kids in the truck, so I dug my phone out of the purse and strode back through the door, pulling it closed behind me.  DH answered just as I realized my keys were sitting on the counter next to the home phone, and the door was locked.  DH apologized because he'd accidentally called home instead of calling his office phone to test out the new answering system that they were having trouble with... so there was no reason for the call.  And, by now, the kids and I are locked outside in hot humid weather with no food or drink, or even a place to hang out, really.  The doors are all locked.  The truck is locked.  As it turned out, we sat on the front stoop for more than two hours waiting on DH to get home from work.  He was teasing me because I looked like some sort of homeless pregnant bum sitting on the concrete slab and leaned up against the door.  My feet were all swollen and the kids were all hot and sweaty, but we did finally get back in.  What a waste of an afternoon.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

My uncle emailed me this one this morning...cheesy joke of the day


The Wedding of the Wongs


Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?


Sum Ting Wong

[glenn kangiser]

That was almost enough to start me on my Confucius jokes but I don't know any clean ones.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

   My husband didn't get it.  I had to read it out loud twice, slowly, before it began to sink in finally (I'd emailed it to him at work and he wrote back that he didn't get it.)  Engineers!

[glenn kangiser]

I probably wrote this one before, but a Chinese fellow went into the eye doctor because he was having problems seeing.

The doctor took a look and said , "Hmm, looks like you have cataracts."

The man replied, "No, Rincoln Continental."