Humor

[glenn kangiser]

The Disaster Preparedness Plan prepared by the local DHS for Union County NC explains what steps you should take if you have to evacuate and take your pet fish: "Your name and where you will be located should be on an ID tag and taped to the fish bowl. This should include your description of all your fish and pictures of them with you in the pictures for identification purposes."

The only thing funny about this is that this is our leadership preparing this for us.  hmm

[rick91351]

The Disaster Preparedness Plan prepared by the local DHS for Union County NC explains what steps you should take if you have to evacuate and take your pet fish: "Your name and where you will be located should be on an ID tag and taped to the fish bowl. This should include your description of all your fish and pictures of them with you in the pictures for identification purposes."

The only thing funny about this is that this is our leadership preparing this for us.  hmm

Surprised they do not require names and ages of fish, breeds and sex, check box three if neutered.

[Gary O]

What is Celibacy?


Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.


While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.

Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

"Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?"

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[firefox]

Upon seeing the first pic, my thoughts raced to the following.
Oh no, they have finally developed a chip to imbed in the body to test for sexual activity,
and log occurences along with gps coordinates!
We are doomed!!!   

[Redoverfarm]

THE JIG SAW PUZZLE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says,

"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ..............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Windpower]

Cardiologist and Motorcycle Mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

T he mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[rick91351]

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
 
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
 
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
 
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London.

"Shalom!"

[Bob S.]

Rick:
    I have always thought some form of that type of device would work for IED's in the middel-east. Maybe a signal that would make all cell phones within several miles ring at the same time ect. I have read that they use cheep cell phones as part of the detonator. When a target drives near thay call the phone to detonate the blast.
Bob

[Sassy]

                Subject:  WOODEN LEG INSURANCE
                
                   
                    Wooden Leg Insurance

                    A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia,
                    from Indiana .

                    The husband had a wooden leg, and to get insurance on it
                    back in Indiana it cost them $2000 per year!

                    When they arrived in West Virginia they went to an insurance agency
                    to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

                    The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.

                    The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
                    West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Indiana !

                    The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and
                    said, "Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

                    "Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it is
                    $39. You just have to know how to describe it!"

                    (HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done"; don't we?)
                     
                   

   

[Gary O]

Subject: Tranquility



Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the liberal Democrat you're holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

[Jens]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The priest orders a beer, and stands there holding it.  Suddenly he says, "if I drink this, I might go to purgatory".  The minister takes it saying, "I don't believe in purgatory" but just before he drinks it he says, "but if I drink this, I might go to hell."  The rabbi takes it saying, "well, I don't believe in purgatory or hell...but, is this beer kosher?". 

The bartender shakes his head and says, "I don't care what you believe in, somebody owes me $5"

[tigrr]

Why Parents Drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes, ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy, ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME .'

[John Raabe]

See if this image loads...




Maybe we should have thought out this house moving thing out a bit more....

[Redoverfarm]

Perhaps this photo has been posted before?




Maybe we should have thought out this house moving thing out a bit more....

John

I am not getting the picture.  The infamous Box w/red "X" is showing on mine.

[MountainDon]

ditto

[John Raabe]

Hummmm.

I recaptured and uploaded the image to Picasa and then modified my post and copied in the new URL. Can you see it now?

[MountainDon]

Yes!   There it is!!

[rick91351]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.  You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
 
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct.  But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going.  You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Sassy]

"like"

[Gary O]

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many 'gigs'. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Paupers's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave, looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[John Raabe]

What is the circle of life? How do we measure success?


http://www.scribd.com/khayaal/d/2634069-The-Circle-of-Life

[Redoverfarm]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White..

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio

[Gary O]

Blonde in the saddle

A blonde decides to try horseback riding ... even though she has had no lessons ... nor prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted ... and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace ... but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror ... she grabs for the horse's mane ... but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck ... but she slides down the horse's side anyway.  The horse gallops along ... seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally ... giving up her frail grip ... the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately ... her foot has become entangled in the stirrup ... she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground ... she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune ... Frank ... the Wal-Mart greeter ... sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say, "Hello."

[Sassy]

Oh gee willikers, you had me going, Gary   

psst...  don't tell anyone, Gary, but I think I read this before but I don't seem to ever remember the punch lines so Glenn can tell me jokes over & over 

[Sassy]

Purchasing New Brains
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.  After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.  "That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."  "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain, for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."  "Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician's brain? Why on earth is that?"  "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we have to kill?"