Humor

[Sonoran]

That's funny Glenn. It reminds me of an add I saw in the help wanted/ job listings.

"12 hard workers needed to replace the 12 that weren't."  Call Mr. ?

[muldoon]

One afternoon an investment banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the banker said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the banker replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!
"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The banker replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

[lonelytree]

The Commanding Officer of a Squadron in the U. S. Air Force was about to
start the morning briefing to his Staff and Flight Commanders. While
waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose
a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit
frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound
sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how
much of it was 'pleasure?' The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded
with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation
at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the airman
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no
hesitation, the young airman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, Sir, began the airman, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent. God Bless the Enlisted!!!

[Sonoran]

Sorry if it's a repeat. I'm only current on the past 5 humor pages.

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought
his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even
though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went
around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more
slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was
quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past
the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried
a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the
mail for driving without a seat belt.

[Sonoran]

"Here kitty kitty kitty"

[diyfrank]

Some excitement at the White House yesterday. The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence. ... When they caught the man, the Secret Service said, 'Not so fast. You have three more years, Mr. President

[MountainDon]

     LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....
     
     As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned
     myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President,
     and that our taxes, and
     government fees will increase in a big way.
     To compensate for these increases, our
     prices would have to increase by about 10%.
     Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to
     the dismal state of the economy,
     we will have to lay off six of our employees
     instead. This has really
     been bothering me, since I believe we are family here
     and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
     
     So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
     lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on
     our employees' cars and have decided these folks will
     be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way
     to approach this problem. They voted for change;I gave it to them.

     I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

[Ernest T. Bass]

Oooh, that kind of discrimination would get you in big trouble nowadays, as fun as a story like that is to imagine!

[Sassy]

Sounds fair enough to me - the boss gave em what they wanted - change 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Did you hear about the new Obama postage stamps?  Seems that they weren't sticking to the envelopes, so the White House ordered a full investigation into what had happened to them.  After a lengthy investigation and 1.75 million dollars of taxpayer money, the investigators determined that there was absolutely nothing wrong with the stamps.  People were just spitting on the wrong side.

[Redoverfarm]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

Just so someone doesn't get the wrong idea they are referring to the Rooster

[muldoon]

build a banker a fire and keep him warm for the night.
set a banker on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.

[Redoverfarm]

Blonde Mortician‏

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatev er this cost, I'm very satisfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you le ft yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)   

[Dog]

That was sick but funny!   

[Redoverfarm]

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, I had an elephant? Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

[Sassy]

       You are naughty!   

[glenn kangiser]

Gooood one.

[John Raabe]

My Next Life by Woody  Allen

In  my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead  and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension and then, when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol and are generally promiscuous and then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid and you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born; and then you spend your last 9 months floating  in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then... Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my  case.

[glenn kangiser]

Where do I sign up, John? hmm

[Alasdair]

It might not be as rosy as you imagine - think about a trip to the bathroom....  

[Phssthpok]

OK...I have a few favorite flash animations I'd like to share, but was kinda hesitant as they're kinda borderline for 'mixed company' acceptability.

However, having read the text of some preceding jokes, I'm fair certain that we're all (more or less) adults here and can deal with some innuendo and an off color word or two in the intrest of a funny.

For the ex Dungeons and Dragons nerds:

Summoner geeks

Always the first to die

For the cow lovers:

I'm a cow

Cows with guns

And of course, Every one knows that The Internet is for Porn! (not as bad as it sounds, but the closest to the borderline)

[glenn kangiser]

It might not be as rosy as you imagine - think about a trip to the bathroom.... 

Wait a minute there.... I don't even want to think about the timing of this trip.... wherever it came up, it probably wouldn't be good...

[glenn kangiser]

OK...I have a few favorite flash animations I'd like to share, but was kinda hesitant as they're kinda borderline for 'mixed company' acceptability.

However, having read the text of some preceding jokes, I'm fair certain that we're all (more or less) adults here and can deal with some innuendo and an off color word or two in the intrest of a funny.

For the ex Dungeons and Dragons nerds:

Summoner geeks

Always the first to die

For the cow lovers:

I'm a cow

Cows with guns

And of course, Every one knows that The Internet is for Porn! (not as bad as it sounds, but the closest to the borderline)

I think most of us can handle it --- in real life, I'm probably way over the line, and I try not to censor unless I receive a complaint.

I have few limits of my own so sometimes have to rely on my wifes or others discretion or consider that we have a few who may find things offensive.  I try to keep a rough PG13 rating here as maximum but we have very few here who are prudes.  Mostly we kind of try to keep it family friendly and a place the ladies will not find too offensive as we like their input.  

I don't want to be nit-picky so thanks to all for your efforts to keep this a rather un-prudish but still pleasant place.  

I know --- a lot of help that was, but maybe that will explain a bit of the decisions I face in trying to not be an oppressive policeman.    

[Phssthpok]

[glenn kangiser]

The Good Wife's ?Guide - Good Housekeeping article.