Humor

[Redoverfarm]

 

[Redoverfarm]

IMPORTANT MESSAGE
ABOUT GROWING OLD
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  Well, CRAP!
Now I forgot what I was gonna tell ya!

 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Don, it doesn't just happen in Mississippi... had a friend in college from Oklmulgee, Oklahoma who used to take a buck he'd had mounted and stick it's head out his truck window (he had tinted windows dark enough you couldn't really see through them) and drive around town.  Nearly caused a few wrecks.  But gotta admit the one in MS is a step-up from that.

[southernsis]

Just found this with some very outdated laws. http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/1215/entry/22462/

[glenn kangiser]

[glenn kangiser]

Niece sent this.

I was barely sitting  down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm  not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I  don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And  the other person says:
'So what are  you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that  point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.' 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I  can when I hear another question: 
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely  end the conversation. I say:
'No........I'm a little busy right  now!!!'

Then I hear the person  say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have  to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering  all my questions!!' 

[Sonoran]

My art professor said something funny the other day.  The only guy in the class who noticed it was the man sitting next to me...it took me a while to realize why he was laughing.

It is the end of the semester and our professor decided to showcase some of his art at the request of the students.  Each classroom has a projector that is connected to a computer and a dvd/vcr player.  He showed us VHS footage of one of his "pieces" (artists phrase for their artwork) which was featured at an exhibit. 

After the video he decided to go on the computer and show us another one of his "pieces" and this is exactly what he half mumbled as he was trying to find where it was on the computer.

"Let me show you my piece, if I can get it up"

[glenn kangiser]

[Flutterby]

Here's another joke about artists - maybe Sonoran can share it with his art prof.

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

[glenn kangiser]

He obviously should have been working.

[MountainDon]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-*
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a$$ kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the #### and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Redoverfarm]

    .  The truth is revieled.

[considerations]

"The truth is revieled."

Or reviled.

[sparks]

I think I'm getting old.

http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/20070301jets.html

Check out the home page, if you have some time to spare.


sparks

sorry, homepage here: http://www.theblackriver.net/attic/index.html

[glenn kangiser]

A friend sent me seasons greetings....





and another....








and last but not least....... [burp]

[muldoon]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well", he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screamed to her brother,

"Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

[Sassy]

Just rec'd this from Glenn's daughter...

Judas Asparagus   

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire children's Bible.  This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that our children understand  what we are teaching them???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
  In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.  Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include:  Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:  Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?'  It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[glenn kangiser]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat It is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well", he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screamed to her brother,

"Don't eat it! It's an asshole!"

[Sonoran]

"What is going on around here...are gringos falling from the sky?"

CRASH

"Yes, El Guapo."

[Redoverfarm]

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument


Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank
children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they
have one of  'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and
talk.


Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the
time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer,

IPod, etc.


Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride
together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.



I've included a photo below of one of my sessions
with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Sincerely,
Your Friend


                                                               

[ScottA]

 

[Ernest T. Bass]

  Boy, that form of discipline would get expensive with a family as large as ours... 

[Redoverfarm]

                                                  LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.  Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,  have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

[MountainDon]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good litt le hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

[Sonoran]

I had the strangest dream last night.  (This isn't some story I found on the internet, this is real...fresh in my mind from last night.)

I don't build log homes anymore...but I had a dream that I was back on the job site.  My father-in-law was the contractor and he was gone.  I came into the dream at the point where I knew what my job was even though he hadn't officially told me.  I had my two younger brothers and my step-brother with me. 

I was in a panic because I had two jobs to do and both of them required some experience and my brothers didn't have any.  I was panicked because I wanted to get working but I didn't know how to arrange things and have everyone working.  I could lead one of the jobs but I only needed one other guy to help. That left two guys without any work and I was stressed to death running around the job site trying to find some work that I could have them do.

While I was running around the job site a deer showed up on the site.  It wasn't afraid and it got very close to us.  Here's where it gets shady...for whatever reason that I don't know or can't remember, I had to cut the deers butt hairs.  A pair of scissors appeared in my hand and I started chasing the deer around.  I got one snip and cut off one side of the butt hairs that were sticking out and had to get the other one.  My father-in-law showed back up to the job site.

I was chasing the deer with scissors, two of my brothers were sitting in a ditch talking and I didn't see the third one.  My father-in-law climbed up on the roof to get to work without saying anything. I chased the deer up the side of the house and it jumped onto the rough (through some magical and impossible way).  It was up on the peak and my father-in-law went to chase it off.  It ran down the peak and jumped off from the highest point into some small pine and cedar trees.  But then the deer dissappeared and it was my father-in-law crashing into the trees and falling into branches on the way down.

Well anyways, that's it...I cut some butt hairs off a deer and my father-in-law jumped off a roof. 

Merry Christmas everyone.