Humor

[glenn kangiser]

Mines 39 -  I'm almost juvenile.

[Sassy]

At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless. 

What do ya mean?  That's nurse humor...  I could tell you lots more... 

[Sassy]

well, I kept putting the highest to the lowest at 1st - forgot the rules  got 55, then redid it & got 51 - aw well - at least the 1st time I got a couple years younger than my age - Glenn was pressuring me & making me nervous because he's so immature   

[glenn kangiser]

 

At first I thought that joke was in bad taste but I now realise it's just tasteless. 

What do ya mean?  That's nurse humor...  I could tell you lots more... 

You don't want to hear.

[glenn kangiser]

...at least I did an honest one try first time posting.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Did y'all hear that they were going to make another spinoff of the CSI series?  They were going to call it Arkansas CSI.  But they had to cancel it.  Arkansas doesn't have any dental records and all the DNA is the same.   

[Ernest T. Bass]

Its ridiculous to think that an 18 y.o. could actually get that score playing the game... Everyone in my family tried it and the lowest we got was 26. Maybe we're just slow...

EDIT: My little sister just made the record w/ 20.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

ummm... my score was 120....     What's that supposed to mean?

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

never mind... when I actually followed the directions, it was 35...not too far off.

[gandalfthegrey]

There were 3 sisters, ages 96, 94, and 92 years of age.

The 96 year old was going to take a bath.  She stuck her toe in the tub and hesitates,  "Was I getting into or out of the bath she hollered. "

Her 94 year old sister was coming up the stairs and stops to listen.  "Was I going upstairs or down she hollered."

The 92 year old was sitting at the table. "Hope I never get that old," she says to herself, "Knock on wood," she said as she tapped the table. She hollered up to her sisters, " I'll be right there to help as soon as I see who is at the door."

[Sassy]

HG, I was doing it the opposite way, too - kept picking the high to the low, even the 2nd time - bet I could do a lot better now but Glenn told me I would be cheating.  Well, Ernest T Bass, what would you expect from a bunch of home schooled kids??? 

gandalfthegrey,    I don't think I'm quite there yet...   

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

No, I was clicking ONLY the lowest and then the highest... I sort of missed the part that you were supposed to arrange them in ascending order and instead thought you just had to click from the "lowest" to the "highest" circles...

[glenn kangiser]

No wonder you got 120.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

yep...downright senile!

[Redoverfarm]

Bessie & Clyde
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
'Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after, a highway patrolman came upon the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took his gun out and shot her, right between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said 'How are you feeling?'
Now, what the hell would you say?'

[muldoon]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.  'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.  'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said.

The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti'.

'Two with meatballs, one without.  Send extra sauce.

[muldoon]

why trampolines are soo dangerous in Texas

[Sassy]

Great picture! 

Here's a great video "Send Bill O'Reilly Back to School"

http://foxattacks.com/kids/?utm_source=rgemail

[glenn kangiser]

Wow - those bucks look very horny.

[apaknad]

hi muldoon,

  what a great picture. we have alot of deer in michigan but i have never seen them do that.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

WHITE LIE CAKE  Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.  Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.  When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'  This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.  Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at
9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.  When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.  Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.  The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church membe r and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.  The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!  She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake !'  Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.' 

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Install A Home Security System In The South
===================================================

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size
  14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
  and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked
the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't
think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

[Sassy]

    those were both good!

[John Raabe]

Love the low cost backwoods security system.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

What do you call one politician stuck on the moon?
A: Problem
What do you call two politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Problems
What do you call ten politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Big problems
What do you call all politicians stuck on the moon?
A: Problem solved!