Humor

[Redoverfarm]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
 

[yevgen]

Obvious example of fines for speeding:

[Redoverfarm]

Has anyone noticed the new highway signs for gas stations?  I saw one the other day for the first time.  What do you think of it.

[BiggKidd]

Got Gas?

Clik on image to watch short video.




Wonder if that guy's for hire? With my thirty six gal tank on my van I could use his services.

Larry

[Sassy]

          

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

There was a comedy skit on Leno a few weeks ago that was a mock advertisement for a game called "Siphon" that was pretty funny.  One of those nights I couldn't sleep, I think.

[glenn kangiser]

I caught a doper after he stole gas from my equipment - footprint went straight to his Cadillac.  He was likely passed out inside -- called the cops -- showed them the funnel and can sitting beside his open gas tank. 

They said they couldn't do anything because I didn't actually see him do it, (but would look the other way if his car mysteriously caught fire in the night).

I guess I should have done it.  I was just plain disgusted with the SYSTEM to protect the criminals.

[Redoverfarm]

Glenn sounds like Lazzzy officers.  That's almost as good as redhanded IMO.

[Redoverfarm]

 
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

[glenn kangiser]

I am not even going to mess with that one.

That's as bad as the wife who happily told her husband, "Honey, I lost 10 lbs. this week."

He replied, "Turn around, I think I found it."

[Redoverfarm]

> DIVORCE VS. MURDER
>
> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
> pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy
> some cyanide."
>
> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
> give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
> license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
> happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
> different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
>

[Sassy]

Where do you find all these, Red?   

[Redoverfarm]

Sassy that one came from my wife.  Yeah she is a hospital employee also but has more time than you as she is in administration.

[Redoverfarm]

Blonde Swimmer




A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy -five length s she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

 




.
 

[glenn kangiser]

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

My husband tried to tell a blonde joke yesterday, but messed up the punch line, so I'll try to correct it for him now.

A blonde was driving down a residential street in her pickup when she saw another blonde sitting in a speed boat in her front lawn, pretending to drive the boat.  Infuriated, she pulled over to the side of the road and began yelling at the blonde in the boat.  

"Hey, you!  Get out of that boat!  People like you are the reason that everyone is always making fun of us blondes!  You're making a fool out of yourself and all of us!"

The blonde in the boat paid no attention.

The other blonde shook her fist and yelled, "If I could swim, I'd drag you out of that boat and punch your lights out!"

[glenn kangiser]

How to catch an elephant...

Lay down in the grass and make noise like a peanut.

[Redoverfarm]

 

CAR ACCIDENT IN TEXAS... PRICELESS !!
If you don't listen to anything else today, listen to this one.  This will definitely make you laugh!  Turn up your sound and click on the website below.  The accident occurred in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area.  This is a phone call from a man who witnesses the accident involving four elderly women.  It was so popular when they played it on CHUM- FM, and they put it on their website.  The guy's laugh is contagious. Just close your eyes and picture what he sees.



http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I hope this link works... my cousin sent me this yesterday.  Enjoy.  It is a recording of a guy in TX witnessing an accident.

Click here: http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf 

I knew I'd posted this before... it's still funny though.... they say the memory is the first thing to go.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

I may have posted this one before, but it's another one that's still funny... the guy in the outhouse looks just like my dad, only I can't imagine dad wearing a tie for any reason.

http://gprime.net/video.php/ihatemondays

[Redoverfarm]

HT I think the baby is laying on your memory stem. I just posted that exact site 2 hrs before you.  Still funny though.

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

HT I think the baby is laying on your memory stem. I just posted that exact site 2 hrs before you.  Still funny though.

No, Red, look at the date on the quote... Jan 26th! 

[Redoverfarm]

HT I didn't look at the date  but wondered.  Shoot I can't remember what I did last week let alone in January. Is it crowning yet?

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

   I was just giving you a hard time.  Every time I listen to that one, it cracks me up.  Sounds just like a guy I dated in college for a while.


Here's another one I heard the other day:

Spud and Ethel went to the state fair, and Spud saw one of the rides that he'd really like to ride.  "Ethel," he said, "I'd really like to try that ride... it looks like a lot of fun."  Ethel shook her head and said, "But Spud, it costs ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks."

The next year they went back to the state fair, and the same ride was still there.  It was a really wild roller coaster.  Again, Spud told Ethel that he really wanted to ride it, and again she replied, "But Spud, ten bucks is ten bucks." 

This went on for years, and each year, Ethel thought the ride was too expensive.  They were getting on up there in years and one year the ride operator heard Spud say, "Ethel, I'd really like to ride that ride before I die."  As always, Ethel answered, "But Spud, it costs ten bucks, and ten bucks is ten bucks."  The ride operator got tickled at the old couple, so he said, "I'll make you a deal.  You can both ride it for free, but only if neither of you says a word the whole time.  If either of you holler, you owe me ten bucks."   Spud and Ethel climbed aboard, and the ride operator started the ride.  Neither one flinched or hollered.  He turned up the speed on the ride so that it got wilder and wilder, and still not a peep from Spud or Ethel.  He let the ride go twice as long as usual, and still silence.  Finally, he stopped the ride and said incredulously to Spud, "I can't believe you didn't scream!  I thought sure you would when your wife fell out ten minutes ago!"  Spud shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Ten bucks is ten bucks!"

[Sassy]