Humor

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Thanks Glenn.   They keep me entertained.  Even better than the original happening was when Sylvie told  the story to Grandma on the phone yesterday evening.  She is the most animated barely 2 YO story-teller you'll ever see.  She told grandma, "I put the gass-hopper in mine mouth and went 'om-nom-nom-nom'.... it tastes nummy!"

[glenn kangiser]

[muldoon]

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted

[John Raabe]

Do yoga and drinking provide similar benefits?

http://theflintskinny.blogspot.com/2009/09/drinking-and-yoga-are-long-lost-cousins.html

[glenn kangiser]

I think you have a winner there, John.      

[Sassy]

 

[Sassy]

    Copper wire:
    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists
    found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
    conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
    than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a
    California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
    A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of
    200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
    had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
    earlier than the New Yorkers"

    One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:

    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Maypearl , Texas ,
    Bubba Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
    absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
    Texas Had already gone wireless".

    Just makes a person proud to live in Texas , don't it.

(note - I was born in Texas, lol)

[Sassy]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged


with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.


With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries,


houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes


making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter


an attorney wrote to the FHA (Federal Housing Administration) on behalf


of a client:


You gotta hand it to this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan


would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of


property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back


to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending


the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


(Actual reply from FHA):


"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we


note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we


compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the


application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the


proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be


accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:


(Actual response):


"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note


that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by


the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this


country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know


that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803,


the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of


uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership


was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from


Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery


made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had


been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish


monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and


almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing


the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's


expedition.    Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of


Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created


this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made


that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the


owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of


time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's


original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"



The loan was immediately approved.

[Redoverfarm]

 

[John Raabe]

Classic  ,

A lawyer who earned his fee, I suspect!

[glenn kangiser]

[John Raabe]

[Sassy]

A friend sent me this little history lesson today...

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in  Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat..

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud ! or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to  America  . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....


GO GREEN: Recycle Congress.

FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME: Do not re-elect any one!

[Whitlock]

    "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
beautiful children beyond compare.

          With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

          Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he
explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to
marry one of them.

          The Redneck simply replied,"They're lookin' to get married, so
you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you
want."

          The man dated the first daughter.

          The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

          "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you
can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

          The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

          The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

          "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

          The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see
if things might be better. So he did.

          The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

          "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

          So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
          When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to
his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.

          "Well," explained the Redneck..."She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell.... pregnant when you met her."

[Redoverfarm]

Well I was torn to where this should be posted.  It is somewhat political but more humor to me.  Can you believe that these two people are trying to run this country.  OMG 

You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area.  For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .  The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards.  'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'

[Homegrown Tomatoes]

Haha ha ha haha haha!  Love that one.  Going to have to pass it on....

[MountainDon]

Too bad it's been shown to be a figment of someone's imagination. Google "joe biden cattle guards"  the story goes back to clinton.

[glenn kangiser]

I got that one too and googled it a bit... cute though and dang near believable...

[Redoverfarm]

Funny Don I "snoped" it and there was nothing but the recent. 

[rick91351]

I think it was going around here when Bruce Babbit was trying to lock up huge sections of the western states.  He was credited with saying they would be able to lay off cattle guards if the west went cattle free in '93.  Of course they - them disavowed any knowledge of this being said.  I don't think even Babbit was that stupid.... but

But John I still giggle at the thought!
 

[MountainDon]

Funny Don I "snoped" it and there was nothing but the recent. 

I didn't try snopes on that one, just googled and that brought up some hits. Nothing's perfect. Some days you can't win for trying.   

[Redoverfarm]

Usually 365 of them.

[sparks]

During the last 3 or 4 months I've noticed something weird.

I've been finding pennies on the ground all over .......when ever I get out of my vehicle.....or just walking down the sidewalk......or lying on the floor in a motel room......or walking into a business ......or pumping gas into my car..........

Given the financial and political climate in this country............

.......are people just losing their 'cents'...?


sparks

[glenn kangiser]

I'm not sure, Sparks ...

Were you following Pelosi around....

I have heard she's going through the change...

[glenn kangiser]

An Aggie named Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."