Humor

Started by glenn-k, February 12, 2007, 07:59:23 AM

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johnecash

Husband takes the wife to a Club. 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large. He's break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people...the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?  25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
Husband says, "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Redoverfarm

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."


muldoon

Quote from: Redoverfarm on September 19, 2014, 06:29:53 PM
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

Great joke. 

I told it to my daughter when she was in 3rd grade and she wrote it up as a class story for homework..
(perhaps the word "crap" was cleaned up a bit).. 

she got an A+ on it. 

she is in 8th grade now.  time flies.. 

MountainDon

Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn't mean it is good design.

Redoverfarm

Just one more. ;)

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants


Redoverfarm


A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

garyc

If it wasn't for bad luck . I would 't have any luck at all.

garyc

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They, however, were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
If it wasn't for bad luck . I would 't have any luck at all.

garyc

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"
If it wasn't for bad luck . I would 't have any luck at all.


firefox

I'm offering a cash reward for their safe return!
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Cissie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. · I had no control over the drooling. · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

MountainDon

So the moral of the story is that testing one of these is not really a simple DIY project like building a cabin.


Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn't mean it is good design.

firefox

I would say that is a Yes...
I also noticed that this poor fellow is unclear on who his wife is....
Cissie or Julie. Hopefully the wife didn't notice.
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

rick91351

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now."
Proverbs 24:3-5 Through wisdom is an house builded; an by understanding it is established.  4 And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.  5 A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.

MountainDon

Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn't mean it is good design.


firefox

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9
Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from
the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You
must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do
you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a
3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog
replys, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is
a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures
what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room."
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

firefox

In honor of today....Saint Paddy's.........what's Irish and stays out in the yard all night?

















Paddy O' Furniture.
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

Redoverfarm


Two policemen call the station on
the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on
the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

carsfigter

Quote from: Sassy on May 23, 2007, 02:16:41 PM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the
    blockage will be almost instantly removed.


    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.


    3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just
    by using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an
    egg timer.


    5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
    be afraid to cough.


    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
    all about the toothache.


    8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
    In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
    If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
    If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.


    9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


    10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

   


It's very funny  ;D ;D ;D





Redoverfarm


A little humor for today...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

MountainDon

Just because something has been done and has not failed, doesn't mean it is good design.


Adam Roby

We've all been concerned about the batteries failing in our fire alarms...  well here is a mechanical one that doesn't need any batteries...


firefox

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:


1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Bruce & Robbie
MVPA 23824

glenn kangiser

Sometimes it is just so hard to please everyone, Bruce.... especially if they are clueless... Good ones...unbelievable..... [ouch]   :)
"Always work from the general to the specific." J. Raabe

Glenn's Underground Cabin  http://countryplans.com/smf/index.php?topic=151.0

Please put your area in your sig line so we can assist with location specific answers.

azgreg

I haven't laughed this hard in a while!

https://youtu.be/PLs5boKKAmY

Gary O


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir .'
      The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . '
      Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:  'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control . '

  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

      (I love this part)



Only when he's been drinking           
I'm enjoying all that I own, the moment.

"Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air." Emerson