Humor

[NM_Shooter]

Man goes to doctor, doc tells him "I have bad news.  You are dying."

Man understandably is alarmed... he asks "Doc, how long do I have?"

Doc says "10".

Man says "10 What?  Don't toy with me doc, this is serious."

Doc says "9".

[glenn kangiser]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Florida.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of  distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.


In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.


When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.


The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.






I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


   

[Gary O]

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an
era before the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill &
Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you
poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir,
you will either die on the gallows or of
some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,
"whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter
Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none
of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have
read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word
that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your
book; I'll waste no time reading it." -
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a
nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark
Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely
disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first
night of my new play; bring a friend.... if
you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second....
if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's
almost like having you here." - Stephen
Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his
creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's
hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the
cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine
to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
always yielded easily." - Charles, Count
Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to
him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an
envelope without any address on it?" -
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts... for support rather than
illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy
Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful
evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho
Marx

[John Raabe]

Thanks Gary O - great stuff.

Here is one I got today...

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."
- Ellen Goodman

[Gary O]

Oh man, that is just as true as ironically funny

....and being a one time avid golfer, I know irony

Most foursomes consist of four sardonic, sarcastic, acerb, sportsmen of the lowest caliber, and they are the greatest

Some golf truisms (BEEN AROUND)

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

2. The game of golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.
 
3. Because bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

5. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

8. When your shot has to carry a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

11. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

12. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

13. Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

14. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

15. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

16. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

17. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

18. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

19. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

20. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

21. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

22. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90 percent of the time.

23. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple-bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

24. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

25. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.

26. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

27. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

28. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

29. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

30. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

31. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

32. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[Gary O]

This might be old, but I just got it and have to share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw&feature=player_embedded

[glenn kangiser]

[Windpower]

"The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."

[Gary O]

  darn funny, and sadly true!

[MountainDon]

BAD Parrot
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Native_NM]

 

[Native_NM]

Don, that reminds of this one:

Johnny was having a heck of a time with math.  His parents were worried; they had tried everything, but he still struggled.

One of their friends suggested Catholic school, as the class sizes were smaller, and the teachers were well respected.  The family was atheists, but in the interest of their child's education, they agreed to try.  They knew nothing about religion, but the school welcomed the new student and promised to take good care of him.

The first day home from his new school, Johnny runs upstairs and starts studying his math.  Two solid hours.  Downstairs for dinner, and back upstairs to study some more.  His parents are amazed and shocked.  The next day was a repeat of the first.  For the next month, in fact, he comes home every day and studies math.  They barely see him.

As he heads out to school one morning, he tells his parents "I have a big test today.  I hope I see you tonight."  His parents exchange weird glances as Johnny heads off to school.  That night, Johnny comes home, tells his parents he got an "A", and heads back up to study.  Curiosity has finally got the best of them, and they head upstairs to talk.

"So tell us about this sudden interest in math, son.  We have to know.  Is it the smaller class sizes?" says dad.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"The instructors, they must spend a lot of individual time with you then." says mom.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"Well then they must have a different way of teaching than your last school..." says mom.

     "Nope" says Johnny.

"Well then why the sudden change?", asks his dad.

     "Well", says Johnny, "They told me the first day that it was going to be harder than public school, and that they were serious about education and all that usual BS.  But when we went to mass after lunch the first day and I saw that guy nailed to the giant plus sign I knew they meant business!"

[glenn kangiser]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.  Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the      window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "About a gallon

[John Raabe]

• For Fun - from the Oct 24 New Yorker, p. 36, "Dear Mountain Room Parents" on the perils of email and Halloween.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2011/10/24/111024sh_shouts_semple

[Sassy]

  

[Windpower]

"Barack Obama meets the queen of England":

"He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please.Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden , his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden "Let me get back to you on that one."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot !! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C. "

[Redoverfarm]

A SENIOR MOMENT


"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irrate customer calling the Toronto Star newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the Star employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ....."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either

[Gary O]

Y'know John, that's probably even a true story, and those are the best.
Worked at an emergency call center on a 2nd job, graveyard.
In the early hours one morn, an aged office gal whipped in, put her fingers to her lips, silencing us dispatchers, and commenced to set up a surprise birthday party, cake, decorations, ribbons hanging from the ceiling, tossing confetti on and around the birthday boss's desk, humming away gleefully as she built quite a lather getting it all done before everyone arrived.
Then she was gone, kinda like santa.
In a matter of moments, we noticed the main office lights go back on.
There she was, taking all the stuff back down. Seems she discovered the Sunday paper at the front door.
S'pose she coulda left it all for 24 hrs, but as she was vacuuming away at the confetti, told me her boss was known to pop in on the weekends, holding me to a vow of silence.
She left, muttering something about 'no wonder the traffic was so light'

[glenn kangiser]

[Sassy]

Dad's reply
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

[glenn kangiser]

New study suggests people who feel lonely don't sleep as soundly as others cuz it's hard to get comfortable with all those cats in your bed.

[Gary O]

"As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again."

One of Jack handy's Deep Thoughts

[Sassy]

The Last Word

           An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio,
Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the
only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

             He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the
hitch rail.

             As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his
face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

             The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,
saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

             The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No
son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

             A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and
said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started
shooting at the old man's feet.

             The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

             Everybody standing around was laughing.

             When his last bullet had been fired, the young
gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go
back into the saloon.

             The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

             The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

             The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he
turned around very slowly.

             The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the
young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of
those twin 12 gauge barrels.

             The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old
man's hands, as he quietly said;

             "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

             The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but
... I've always wanted to"

             There are a few lessons for all of us here:

             * Don't be arrogant.
             * Don't waste ammunition.
             * Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
             * Always make sure you know who is in control.
             * And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
               they didn't get old by being stupid.

             I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Sassy]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Sassy]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"